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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want to fly with me to visit my family

246 replies

happychange · 22/01/2020 20:45

My family live the other side of the world, think Australia way. I'm having baby no 2 soon, and taking a year out for Mat leave. I would love for our two kids to spend an extended time back home with my family, over 1-2 months, while I have the time.

I did this and flew solo on my own with DC1, but a bit hesitant to fly solo on my own with 2 kids.

I mentioned this to DH and asked if he could fly with me in Dec say to help with the two kids on a flight, and then come back in February to pick us up again. He would of course have a couple of weeks in a hot summer weather as well.

He scoffed at this suggestion, and asked if I could ask my family instead to do it. At which point, I got a bit annoyed - why on earth, if he can't be arsed to do it, would someone in my family want to do it??

AIBU to expect him to do this? Or should I fly solo again with the two kids? Or ask my family to help?

FWIW, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and he's been home late from work every night this past two weeks, which has also annoyed me no end. He's not around to help with DC1, so this latest comment has made me wonder why I don't just go solo and do it all alone.

OP posts:
lovepickledlimes · 22/01/2020 21:46

I think you are being a little unreasonable. Not only just with the flying but also separating him from his children for 2 months basically. Not only that but he is missing out on your youngest child's first christmas. Is there any reason you want to stay that long? I could not imagine happily being away from my DP for that long. I have done it due to family emergency but I did miss him terribly and would not do it again if it can be avoided. Could your family potentially come over here for a visit rather then having you fly there?

BinkyandBunty · 22/01/2020 21:47

Like a pp I suspect the long working hours are probably linked to the fact that all these extra flights are even a consideration for you, financially. So I suggest you think about what's important to you and pick your battles there.

As for the idea, YABU. Have you looked into Etihad? I believe they have an inflight nanny who is around to lend a hand and entertain children.

BadLad · 22/01/2020 21:48

Use the money you would spend on his ticket to upgrade.

Marmitepasta · 22/01/2020 21:48

I'm surprised by the answers you've had so far. I think yanbu!
Flying solo that far with two little ones is not fun and he is their dad and I'm surprised he wouldn't want to do at least the outward journey with you.
I would expect this from my dh and he would do it.

lovepickledlimes · 22/01/2020 21:51

@Marmitepasta you don't think she is being unreasonable making him miss his youngest child's first christmas and taking them away from him for 2 months?

NailsNeedDoing · 22/01/2020 21:53

I can completely understand why he wouldn’t want to do this and would scoff at the suggestion.

Fair enough to expect him to visit with you if he can reasonably have the time off work, but how likely is that if he’s going to take time off for the birth as well?

If you can understand why your family wouldn’t want to do it, what makes you think that he would want to? It would be for no ones benefit except yours, and maybe your family’s, and it’s a huge thing to ask of him.

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/01/2020 21:54

He doesn't sound like he is fussed re DC2's Xmas as he doesn't seem to mind OP going. He just doesn't want to do the flights, understandably.
I like there idea of him flying out with you and, perhaps, getting a family member to fly back with you.

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/01/2020 21:54

*the

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/01/2020 21:56

Well he isnt, so why are you so bothered lovepickledlimes?

ANd thats the crux of the matter for me. New baby imminent and he is absenting himself physically and emtionally. He isnt in the slightest bit bothered about his kids and wife being away for that long and when his wife asks for help he says "get your family to do it", ignoring the fact that he IS her family!

More to this than a long haul flight...............

Sexnotgender · 22/01/2020 21:57

So your husband doesn’t see his kids for 1-2 months, and one a newborn? What does he think of that?

That’s what I was wondering too!!

Purpleartichoke · 22/01/2020 21:58

Is he really ok with missing 1-2 months of his very young children’s lives?

Ohyesiam · 22/01/2020 21:59

I had trouble coping on my own flying to Australia, it’s a bloody nightmare. Is it 20 hours? I’ve tried to block it outWink
But I can see why dh wouldn’t want to do it.

Original poster
happychange · 22/01/2020 22:00

I didn't say we would spend Christmas without him! End December is fine for us to fly or we could all go on holiday for two weeks over Christmas

I think if I want to do this, sounds like consensus is I would have to do it on my own

No he doesn't work a job that is paid by the hour so working overtime is definitely not going to make us extra money in the short term. But I guess if he's got more responsibility etc might get a payrise longer term

He comes home around 10pm every night, leaves at 8am. Drives me crazy as I do all childcare on my own. He doesn't see DC now other than the weekend anyway, and I get no help during the week, so what difference would it make if I take the kids off to my family for 2 months (especially as my mum will cook and clean and entertain the kids for me!)

FWIW, I also work full time and get paid the same amount as him but I set clear boundaries at work that I have to leave at 5 to pick DC up from nursery. Clearly not the same for him

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 22/01/2020 22:00

I think it's unreasonable to expect him to take (and pay for) four long-haul flights just to accompany you, yes!

Sexnotgender · 22/01/2020 22:00

Is it 20 hours?

Probably closer to 30 depending on the route.

lovepickledlimes · 22/01/2020 22:01

@PyongyangKipperbang I can imagine his reaction is due to op probably having no regard for his feelings at all when she suggested this. If my fiancé announced to me he was taking both our young children away so I was unable to share the youngest first christmas and did not think twice about leaving me for two months I would on a level emotionally check out too

lovepickledlimes · 22/01/2020 22:03

@happychange Reading your update I can understand how you feel but I think the issue is not the flying with you or not. Can you talk to him that you need more support?

spongejack · 22/01/2020 22:05

How many weeks holiday does he get a year?

Swimmum78 · 22/01/2020 22:05

I think asking him to fly out and have a holiday with you and see your family is a reasonable request but not to ask him to come back just to fly back with you. We (me and dh) flew long haul with my 2 dc’s when my youngest was only 8 months. We were absolutely exhausted when we got back as the kids slept through most of the flight and were full of beans when we got home. We had been awake for around 24 hours. Would have been great to have someone to hand over to when we got back so use it to your advantage and have him support you when you get back to recover from jet lag etc.

TatianaLarina · 22/01/2020 22:05

The issue here is not Australia, it’s his complete abdication from childcare and family life.

Jeleste · 22/01/2020 22:09

I would compromise and have DH come with you the first flight for example and then go home early and you follow alone with the 2 kids. We used to live in Australia when we had DC 1 and i came back on my own all the time to see my family.
We moved back to Europe when DC 2 was born and now i sometimes take both kids to see the inlaws on my own. We go there once a year as a family, but i take them on my own at least one additional time a year, sometimes more depending on how often the inlaws visit us.
Kids are 4 and 5 now. O e is great on the plane, the other is a bit meh. But i actually find it easier by myself, somehow they are always better behaved when DH isnt with us.
With a newborn it wont be too hard, if youre lucky he will just sleep and you can carry him in a sling.

lovepickledlimes · 22/01/2020 22:10

@TatianaLarina while I agree on some level it is unfortunate that these hours have to be done by someone sometimes and doing these hours could likely lead to payrises and promotions etc. It does all depend on how hands on he is on the weekend or if he passes on the responsibility too if that happened

McCanne · 22/01/2020 22:11

Sounds like you have a drive to go to your family for support in general because you know you’re not going it from your oh. I wouldn’t blame you if you just stayed in Australia

Original poster
happychange · 22/01/2020 22:12

I guess the crux of the issue as some of you pointed out is really him not being at home to help with a very active 3 year old whilst I'm so heavily pregnant

I've spoken to him about it but his excuse is that his boss is very traditional and doesn't see that it's the mans job to do pick ups from nursery. He then tries for a bit to leave earlier but eventually it slips and becomes later and later

He never used to work this much, only been like this for the past year or so.

OP posts:
Angelw · 22/01/2020 22:13

YANBU, the people who feel it’s your problem alone are ABU.. not sure which world they are from because I remember flying alone with my first baby/child and it wasn’t something I’d repeat ( long haul flight).

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