DH doesn't want to fly with me to visit my family

[happychange]

My family live the other side of the world, think Australia way. I'm having baby no 2 soon, and taking a year out for Mat leave. I would love for our two kids to spend an extended time back home with my family, over 1-2 months, while I have the time.

I did this and flew solo on my own with DC1, but a bit hesitant to fly solo on my own with 2 kids.

I mentioned this to DH and asked if he could fly with me in Dec say to help with the two kids on a flight, and then come back in February to pick us up again. He would of course have a couple of weeks in a hot summer weather as well.

He scoffed at this suggestion, and asked if I could ask my family instead to do it. At which point, I got a bit annoyed - why on earth, if he can't be arsed to do it, would someone in my family want to do it??

AIBU to expect him to do this? Or should I fly solo again with the two kids? Or ask my family to help?

FWIW, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and he's been home late from work every night this past two weeks, which has also annoyed me no end. He's not around to help with DC1, so this latest comment has made me wonder why I don't just go solo and do it all alone.

@happychange how many weeks holiday is he entitled too?

I think him joining you for 2 weeks at one end of the holiday, and doing one journey with you, is reasonable.
I think him doing both journeys is beyond the call of duty. (And I'm speaking as the friend of someone who did accompany his wife and 3 kids on a last minuite flight to get to her mothers bedside. He literally left work on Thursday lunch, booked flights, flew there, turned round and was back at work on Monday. He was an absolute zombie for about a week.)

My kids are infinitely better behaved with flying with just me than with me and DH.

No maybe one trip with holiday but going back just to pick you up is crazy.

Hmmm he found completely absent from family life. I think I might be going to Australia and staying there if I were you!

@happychange is he hoping for a promotion at some point? I think at least while you are pregnant he could try to be more understanding. I do understand his fear that someone who can work these hours will over take him and get the promotions climbing up the pay scale but at least these few months he should do more to help you out

I think it’s too much to ask, I’d look for some young traveller (I’m sure you’ll find someone with childcare experience /qualification ) who wants a ticket paid back to the uk to lend a hand. That would be far cheaper and save your dh doing that gruelling journey twice in 2 months.

I would just go sooner if l was you. If you go when your your baby younger will be much easier for you. Just stick baby in a sling and feed . A 8month old be harder work. Then you can go by yourself with 2kids

@McCanne exactly! The thought of being stuck here on my own with 2 kids in the depths of winter is not very appealing!

Especially when I can be on the beach in warm sunny weather.. with childcare on tap!

He is pretty hands on during the weekend just not around during the week.

His boss may be traditional but it’s not really on to expect anyone to stay in the office until 10pm (unless he is a corporate lawyer working on a deal?) - having a family is irrelevant, it’s about having any sort of work life balance. Is he definitely working that late? It’s not unheard of for (some) fathers to stay away from home in the evenings because they can’t be doing with the bedtime chaos.

@spongejack he gets 28 days holiday plus the period between Xmas and new year is bonus free holiday too.

I’ve done that trip alone with a three year old. No problems. If you get a baby carrier and your three years old is not badly behaved you should be fine to do the trip alone. Just check into a hotel/use a lounge during your layover and it’ll be fine. Obviously this all depends on the three year old.

I have my family in the same sort of love as you and I had the same thought to spend time on both my Mat leaves out there for a few months. I flew both times there and back with the kids alone. Stop being precious if it’s what you want to do then do it! Don’t wait for your husband to help you. The flight with two kids alone isn’t fun but if you miss your family and want to spend time with them it’s worth it! This is coming from someone whose done this flight with two sown recently.

So he has started doing 10pm finishes since he had a toddler?

He is being absoutley unacceptable doing that.

I think you’re both being unreasonable. I don’t think he should opt out of family life in the week. I don’t think you should take his child and newborn baby away from him for up to two months.

Two months away isn’t going to solve the problems in your life and marriage.

Ok so he does have a decent holiday allowance.

I do think it's a massive expectation though, the work thing is a different issue to be dealt with.

One way and a two week holiday is fair.

@Reginabambina I think I will just have to brave it and go with it in that case
I managed it with DS when he was a small baby and I guess I will manage it again!

@HelloYouTwo while that is true a lot of jobs require these hours at times. Fiancé had a big project at work for over a year. We have no family but it meant him rarely being home before 10 if not away all week. I was alone on my birthday and most of the christmas period. I really felt lonely but realised career wise it was best he does this. He got a pay rise more responsibilty and very much is one of the top staff members on the team now. I fully expect this to continue once we have children. If he gets more money it means more money for the family so a win us as a unit.

To be blunt, if you feel nervous about such a long trip, you can't really blame your dh for not wanting the long trip - and you have the motivation to go (your family); he doesn't really. (And reasonable or not, the recent images of bushfires could easily make some people a bit uneasy about travelling there, even apart from the length of the journey.) And for him to make two trips to Australia as well as you sounds enormously expensive, unless he really wants to make the trip.. It sounds much more realistic for your family to meet you and to help you once there. Do you really want to travel with such a tiny baby, though - dh or no dh? Could one or two of your relatives visit you instead this time; and you go there when your younger baby is slightly older?

YABU.

Only you can understand his work situation. Personally I’d be happy to support those sort of work hours if there was an end game and it was a means to that IE career development that would reap rewards and bring more balance. My df was all work when I was young as he was building the business but this didn’t last forever. I can understand wanting in those circumstances to go home to spend some time with your mum. No one would bat an eye Or questioning your family dynamic if you were on here asking about dh having to go away for 2 months for work. Army fathers have to do it all the time.

He's working late every night (but not getting paid overtime). Conveniently has a boss who expects all the men to do unpaid overtime. Seems fed up of you and your toddler. Doesn't seem fussed about you all going away for 2 months.

Any chance he's having an affair?

That's an absolutely insane idea. Bonkers.

Yabu

Why is he working so late? Is it typical for the work he does.

Suddenly working til 10pm and not being fussed about you all leaving for 2 months....

What’s the reason he gives for having to work til 10?