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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH asked me to take underwear pics at work

290 replies

AdalbertWaffling · 22/01/2020 17:31

So today I get a text from DH asking for me to go and take some pics of me in my underwear in the loos at work and send them to him. I replied "No... X". Firstly I was super busy so didn't have time, secondly I can't think of anything less sexy than taking my top off in a toilet cubicle and trying to take a selfie, and thirdly I'M AT WORK so really didn't feel like it was appropriate.

I have now asked him something else and just got back "No... X", so he's obviously pissed off at my response, or lack of. Tbh knowing him he probably would have been fine with me saying no by laughing it off, or in a way that didn't make him feel bad for asking. I'm really not sure if IABU here! I don't think I was in that I was at work, but also we're in a loving relationship and maybe I should have been a bit kinder in my response? Or maybe I should have just nipped off for 2 mins, taken a selfie and not been such a prude???

OP posts:
honeyloops · 22/01/2020 19:08

Aw, I think this is cute. Keeping the spark alive, isn't it? I don't blame you for not fancying it if that's not your kind of thing or you two have never done it before, but if sending photos is a thing you've done previously I think this is nice (or maybe me and OH are perverts, who knows?)

TigerOnATrain · 22/01/2020 19:08

@AdalbertWaffling WTF is wrong with him, seriously.

Without going into too much detail, a friend of mine said her DH went into a strop, and refused to speak to her for a day and a half, because she wouldn't perform oral on him when they had just had intercourse. He went into a cold dark mood and 'punished' her for not doing what he wanted sexually, by refusing to speak to her for about 36 hours.

Amazing that men like this exist. Vile, controlling, misogynistic scumbags.

Sounds like you are married to one. I am genuinely sorry for you.

As many posters have said, what your DH asked you to do is BANG out of order. Wrong, and weird.

speakout · 22/01/2020 19:09

But there's nothing wrong with two adults in a relationship exchanging photos of each other.

I agree- absolulutely nothing.

But those pieces of data can stick around long after a relationship is over.
Loyalities and confidentiality can- like relationships- can fade with time.
That is my biggest concern.

However much you trust someone, however much you think the relationship is a lifelong one.....

Love may not last - a jpeg file is forever.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 22/01/2020 19:09

Ewww

DesLynamsMoustache · 22/01/2020 19:10

Absolutely the safety of taking photos is an issue. But it's a different issue from those who seem to think it's some sort of disgusting behaviour.

TigerOnATrain · 22/01/2020 19:11

@AdalbertWaffling

we are in a loving relationship.

Doesn't sound like it, if he asks you to do pervy stuff, and then gets 'pissed off' when you refuse.

Goldenwrapper · 22/01/2020 19:11

I agree it's not for everyone and I'm not encouraging anyone to send nude pictures. I chose to send pictures of myself to my partner, trusting they are for his eyes only and vice versa

augustusglupe · 22/01/2020 19:11

Absolutely fine...I would’ve taken off my very old, greying, M&S knickers and bra that is similarly unattractive and taken pics of them but with me not actually in them...he wouldn’t ask again trust me Grin

TheFastandTheCurious · 22/01/2020 19:12

Really @Fivestoryfour?

LotteLupin · 22/01/2020 19:13

I would definitely have done it. I would have gone out of my way to do it. A bit like when there might be something on sex that makes your jaw ache a bit (?!!) or you don’t feel like stroking his back for him because you’re tired but you do it because you love him. I doubt it would have turned me on and yes it would have been rushed and the loos cold and horrid but ... you’re his only source of sex. As he is yours. And if you wanted something you should feel ok about asking. And if he says no you might feel a bit rejected but would understand. Which is what he’s doing. Feels a bit rejected and is trying to let you know how it felt, but he’s getting in with it.

He wasn’t unreasonable to ask. It was ok fir you to say no.

But your niggle really is should you have made the effort, despite it being the wrong time. That’s the bit that’s up to you. That’s your relationship. I would have, but that’s me, and plenty will skate me for it.

But if I’m his and he’s mine, then I’d be happy he felt able to ask me. And I’d probably reward him by doing it.

Because you are in

TigerOnATrain · 22/01/2020 19:14

Agree with others also, that no WAY would anyone, not even my DH be taking/getting hold of pics of me naked.

@AdalbertWaffling Sorry I misworded my first post. I didn't mean to say your DH is a vile controlling misogynistic scumbag, but the way he is behaving sets of warning bells for me. With the getting arsey coz you didn't want to do what he asked. It's a slippery slop. He shows early warning signs of being controlling and misogynistic. Hope I am wrong.

cavabiensepasser · 22/01/2020 19:15

You sound a bit sad, Lotte. All this sounds very sad.

TigerOnATrain · 22/01/2020 19:15

Agree with others also, that no WAY would anyone, not even my DH be taking/getting hold of pics of me naked.

@AdalbertWaffling Sorry I misworded my first post. I didn't mean to say your DH is a vile controlling misogynistic scumbag, but the way he is behaving sets off warning bells for me. With the getting arsey coz you didn't want to do what he asked. It's a slippery slope. He shows early warning signs of being controlling and misogynistic. Hope I am wrong.

TigerOnATrain · 22/01/2020 19:17

@LotteLupin Give your partner a bit of 'head' even if your jaw aches a bit, is a bit different to sending him photos of you naked! As a pp said, those pics are out there forever. No fucking way!

MimiLaRue · 22/01/2020 19:17

You dont have to do anything you are uncomfortable doing. Thats that.

However, if I spontaneously suggested something risqué to my H and he responded like that, i'd probably be a bit miffed too. Maybe he's trying to spice things up. I dont think its "sleazy" as people are suggesting - you are married to each other, its not as if youve only been on one date.

littlepaddypaws · 22/01/2020 19:18

lotte pretty much speechless at your post tbh, i've personally set my bar a hell of a lot higher than that.

messolini9 · 22/01/2020 19:19

Or maybe I should have just nipped off for 2 mins, taken a selfie and not been such a prude???

Hold on ... what's with this "should"?
When is it EVER ok to perform a sexual/sexy act because you SHOULD rather than because you WANT to?

WTF is "prudish" about not wanting to indulge somebody else's sexual desire? Especially when to do so would have inconvenienced you at work, & you didn't feel like it.

How is it even remotely ok that DH is now punishing you with his "NO ...X"?
Tbh knowing him he probably would have been fine with me saying no by laughing it off, or in a way that didn't make him feel bad for asking.
Why is it not occuring to DH that his manner of asking for a quick thrill from you maybe made YOU feel bad?
Why is your focus only on how HE might feel bad because you did not respond "correctly" enough to keep him sweet?

Unless he's being lighthearted with his refusal to answer your question, (we can't know that, only you are in a position to judge) then he is manipulating you.

The fact that you felt you need to ask if YOU are being unreasonable here is a bit ... worrying.
If he were not your DH, would you have felt able to shoot back with a "fuck off you pervert, I'm working?"
As he IS your DH ... how would he have responded if you had texted back exactly that phrase?

TigerOnATrain · 22/01/2020 19:19

@LotteLupin I agree with @cavabiensepasser .. Just read your post all through. And it's a bit weird. And I agree that you do sound a bit 'sad...' Do it because he is your only source of sex. WTAF? Confused

user3575796673 · 22/01/2020 19:21

If you want to "spice up" your relationship you do that on your own time not work time.

AlaskaElfForGin · 22/01/2020 19:25

there's nothing sinister about it

Um, I disagree. That would be a massive turn off for me. Does he have no respect for the fact that you're paid to work, not send him smutty photos?

MimiLaRue · 22/01/2020 19:25

urgh noone "should" do anything just for a man. I dont agree with that at all.

But sending sexy pics to each other is hardly out of the ordinary or crazy- lots of couples do this.

cavabiensepasser · 22/01/2020 19:26

It's just so sad to see women pander to sexual requests when they don't want to/it's inconvenient for them. Why this desperate need to please a man if it causes you discomfort or isn't convenient? Why the desperation for male approval? Why put a man's erection above yourself?

I would hope that most women would set their standards far higher than that. I hate to see so many covertly insecure women. It's awfully, awfully sad.

messolini9 · 22/01/2020 19:31

Why is it ok for you to text him "No...X" but not for him to text you the same thing?

I wondered how long it would take this comment to arrive, & @FiveStoryFire supplies us with Mumsnet Bingo by page 1 ...

As you don't seem to have a very firm grasp on how consent works & what respectful communication between partners looks like, let me explain it for you Five:

The first "No ...X" was a human being declining a sexual invitation & asserting her right to her own bodily autonomy.
The second "No...X" was a pop at that human being, for declining a sexual invitation & asserting her right to her own bolidy autonomy.

The first person is (mistakenly) wondering if she should have complied, & worried about her partner's feelings.
The second person is just pissed off not to get his own way, is punishing his partner for it, & is thus clearly not interested in his partner's feelings.

HTH.

Interestedwoman · 22/01/2020 19:33

YANBU. Don't do anything that feels like a chore if you can avoid it. xxx

messolini9 · 22/01/2020 19:34

" I don't work anywhere where it would have been classed as gross misconduct"

I don't think your workplace's conduct rules are any part of the problem here OP ...

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