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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be angry DH has ruined our sex life because of ED?

246 replies

thesparrowflieshigh · 22/01/2020 15:56

He's had it really since we met 18 years ago but I was young and in love and thought we'd get past it. He probably manages a decent erection 10% of the time and the other times we manage it with a semi erection. This is pretty much always in the missionary position as he doesn't like trying anything new because of the ED. He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited. I've sort of gone along with this for years and as I can orgasm pretty easily when I fantasise a lot. However, recently my sex drive has just died and I am left feeling resentful towards DH that he can't just relax and get a normal erection. It also makes me feel rubbish and undesirable There is nothing wrong medically. He has had Viagra which works but only takes it every now and then. I really don't know how to move forward from here. In other aspects of our relationship we are a great match and I wouldn't leave him over this. I am just really sad that this part of me has been taken away.

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 07:07

I think this man doesn’t like sex from the sounds of it and this is perhaps why he gets ED.

Maybe he doesn't like it. Do you think that he should have to do it anyway?

MimiLaRue · 27/01/2020 08:34

Maybe he doesn't like it. Do you think that he should have to do it anyway

Nope. But he has to do SOMETHING. By the sounds of it he has no clue and isn't doing any foreplay at all. OP said he only wants missionary and no foreplay. How bloody boring. That sounds absolutely awful.

Bull. Go on a mens forum, post that your unhappy with you sex life because you’re wife will only have sex in one position, won’t give you any foreplay and won’t get help, and then come back and tell us what the men say.

Exactly!

JacquesHammer · 27/01/2020 08:45

I’m loving the “poor hard done by chap” posts.

This is a post BY a woman, asking for advice. This isn’t the time for trite “but if this was the other way round....” type posts. They have no relevance and are utter nonsense anyway.

Inappropriatefemale · 27/01/2020 08:50

No he shouldn’t have to do it if he doesn’t like it but he needs to be honest and tell his wife so that they can fix it all.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 11:31

But he has to do SOMETHING.

Why does he have to do something?

Why should anyone do anything during sex that they don't want to do? If the op isn't happy with what he is comfortable with doing then she has a decision to make doesn't she?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 11:32

No he shouldn’t have to do it if he doesn’t like it but he needs to be honest and tell his wife so that they can fix it all.

Maybe they can't fix it?

Inappropriatefemale · 27/01/2020 12:09

Hearhooves well they should split then! Are you a man by any chance?

Cheesespreading · 27/01/2020 14:40

Did you read the part of the OP where she said when he finally gets an errection he wants to stick it in immediately without any foreplay?

Well.. yeah. If I managed to get hard (I’m a female by the way so hypothetically) and I knew it was about to disappear I’d want to start too. If the ops husband likes giving oral then yeah, I could see maybe forgoing all penetrative sex and just focus on foreplay but I can’t imagine the op being told to suck his dick to get him hard and help him stay that way etc.

Cheesespreading · 27/01/2020 14:49

Why should anyone do anything during sex that they don't want to do? If the op isn't happy with what he is comfortable with doing then she has a decision to make doesn't she?

Yep, this. So many on here are trying to say he should do something he wants but I guarantee if he wanted oral from op and she didn’t want to everyone would again be telling her to leave him. Op needs to leave the relationship and quite honestly, she should have done so many, many years ago.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 15:40

Hearhooves well they should split then! Are you a man by any chance?
If the lack of sex is such a problem then they probably should split and no, I'm not a man

JacquesHammer · 27/01/2020 15:49

Are you a man by any chance?

You don't actually need to have a penis to have a group of cheerleaders hailing your cocks every move Wink

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 15:52

Honestly, why is it cheerleading cocks?

I happen to believe that no one has to have sex if they don't want to, no one has to perform any sex act that they don't want to and no one should have to take medication that they don't want to take in order to facilitate someone else having sex. Call me old fashioned. I'm surprised that so many people on here think the aforementioned is ok.

JacquesHammer · 27/01/2020 15:59

I happen to believe that no one has to have sex if they don't want to, no one has to perform any sex act that they don't want to and no one should have to take medication that they don't want to take in order to facilitate someone else having sex. Call me old fashioned. I'm surprised that so many people on here think the aforementioned is ok

Don't be deliberately obtuse.

You're cheerleading cocks (as is your usual MO to be fair) as you have come on a thread where a woman asks for advice to bemoan the double standards for the poor menz. If you feel MN is a hot bed of double standards (newsflash, that's utter rubbish) then please do start your own thread about how tough men have it sexually.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 16:11

I'm not being obtuse.

The opinions on this thread this person should do what their partner wants in order to satisfy them sexually even if they don't want to do it and that in order to have sex with their partner they should take medication to make that possible. That is exactly what has been said on this thread.

What advice can the op get? She shouldn't be pressuring her husband into doing things he doesn't want to do, nor into taking medication that he presumably doesnt want to take so what advice is there? The only person that she can control is herself so therefore has to decide if she can carry on like this or not.

What advice do you want to give her - to force him to perform oral sex on her??? Is that your advice?

MimiLaRue · 27/01/2020 18:21

I'm not being obtuse

Yes you are. OP never said anything about "forcing him" to give her oral sex, where the fck did you get that from? foreplay doesnt have to be oral sex and you are assuming he hates it and she is "forcing" him. Why are you making all these assumptions about some bloke you know nothing about? we are going on what the OP has told us, at this point you are making him out to be a hapless victim when HE is the one expecting her to have uncomfortable/painful, dry sex with no foreplay. The OP already said she can only orgasm when she takes care of it herself. Its the OP who is making all the compromises in this scenario, not him. The OP is the one looking after BOTH his orgasm and hers. She's not only allowing him to put it in when she's not ready (for the sake of his errection), she is "going along with it" for his sake and not speaking up to the fact its not enjoyable. Not only that, she is looking after her own orgasm too. The only person here who appears to be taking any responsibility for anyone's orgasm is the OP.

With regard to the medication, that was prescribed by his doctor and he is not being "forced" to take it. His doctor will have decided that this medication was wholly appropriate for him to use for this purpose and it will have been a discussion he had with his GP. You aren't his doctor so it is not for you to make any pronouncements about him not taking it, the GP clearly felt it was safe and appropriate to use otherwise it wouldn't have been prescribed would it?

The only mistake the OP has made in this scenario is not speaking up sooner and not talking to him about the fact she simply isn't enjoying sex. By her OP, it sounds like she really cares about him and the only reason she hasn't brought it up is to spare his feelings. Why else would she go along with something she doesnt particularly enjoy? the only motivation I can see is that she cares about him and doesnt want to hurt him.

She has a right to have a fulfilling sex life. We all do. She's been in an unsatisfying marriage for long enough. She needs to talk to him about it and if he refuses to compromise as she has already been doing for years then yes, I think she should leave him.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 18:38

Sorry, now who's making assumptions?

Where does op say the sex is painful or uncomfortable?

You say she's responsible for hers and his orgasms - where does she say that he orgasms?

Yes, the medication is prescribed for him but he doesn't take it every time. Presumably that's because he doesn't want to.

Op wants oral sex but he doesn't do it, presumably because he doesn't want to?

So, to get him to take the medication more often, when he doesn't want to, or to get him to take the medication more frequently, when he doesn't want to, is wrong.

She has a right to have a fulfilling sex life.

No one has a right to a sex life. She may want a fulfilling sex life. It might not be possible within this relationship so op should leave if that's what she needs.

She needs to talk to him about it and if he refuses to compromise as she has already been doing for years then yes, I think she should leave him.

What compromise do you want?

MimiLaRue · 27/01/2020 19:00

Op wants oral sex but he doesn't do it, presumably because he doesn't want to

Nope. Nowhere in this thread does OP even mention oral sex. You have embellished that entirely from your own imagination.

Yes, the medication is prescribed for him but he doesn't take it every time. Presumably that's because he doesn't want to

Presumably? yet another assumption. You have no clue why he's not taking it and in fact, in an update, OP said he was going to take it more often so he cannot be that averse to taking it or against taking it.

No one has a right to a sex life. She may want a fulfilling sex life

Everyone has a right to determine what they consider to be important in a relationship. Its not up to you to dictate what should be important to OP or not. It clearly IS important to her because she has stated over and over again that it makes her feel "rubbish and undesirable".

What compromise do you want?

Well for starters he could be more affectionate. OP says he isn't affectionate and it makes her feel unloved. So not only is he not acting in loving way towards her, the sex is bad. Its no wonder she feels dissatisfied. Affection is important in a relationship- OP says "he's pretty rubbish at being affectionate".

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 19:12

Nope. Nowhere in this thread does OP even mention oral sex. You have embellished that entirely from your own imagination.

Wasn't me who came up with oral sex. That's many of the posters on your side who have said that's what he must do, including 1 poster who said that all women want it and he should know that.

Everyone has a right to determine what they consider to be important in a relationship. Its not up to you to dictate what should be important to OP or not. It clearly IS important to her because she has stated over and over again that it makes her feel "rubbish and undesirable".

Everyone does have the right to determine what is important in a relationship but that isn't what you said. You said that op has a right to a fulfilling sex life and I said that no one has a right to a sex life, fulfilling or otherwise.

Affection is important in a relationship- OP says "he's pretty rubbish at being affectionate".

She also said that he didn't have a good upbringing which she thinks might be feeding in to some of these problems. Regardless, maybe he isn't affectionate. Again the op has a choice - leave or stay. She can't make him be someone that he isn't. None of us can change anyone else. All we can do is to decide whether we want to stay or go.

Inappropriatefemale · 27/01/2020 19:19

Ok I made an assumption by saying that every woman wants oral sex and that all men like to give it, not every woman wants it and not every man likes to give it but the only men I know that don’t like giving oral sex are the inexperienced ones, or the ones that don’t like sex full stop, most men with a healthy appetite for sex with women love giving oral sex, in my personal experience anyway.

I apologise for this assumption but it’s an easy assumption to make, especially about men liking giving it!

The OP said there is no foreplay as he loses his erection so I would assume that she would most probably like oral sex on her, and yes there are other forms of foreplay but oral sex is a major one, I think anyways!

MimiLaRue · 27/01/2020 19:19

Wasn't me who came up with oral sex

lol you just said:

"Op wants oral sex but he doesn't do it, presumably because he doesn't want to?" Its clear you are just making stuff up now to fulfil your own agenda

All we can do is to decide whether we want to stay or go

Agreed. I wouldnt blame someone for leaving a partner who was both unaffectionate and wasnt making an effort in bed. Thats not a loving way to treat someone you supposedly love.

MimiLaRue · 27/01/2020 19:23

oral sex is a major one, I think anyways

Totally agree! But for some reason, some posters are now saying OP is "forcing him to do oral" which is hilarious considering the OP never even mentioned it in the first place! Its truly bizarre what people just make up as "fact"

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 19:34

lol you just said:

I know what I said but because virtually the whole thread has now centred on posters stating that the op wants oral, he must do oral, all women want oral etc etc etc. That's all anyone is talking about when it comes to foreplay.

Ok, if the op specifically wants him to do oral but he doesn't want to do it then she would be wrong to try to force, coerce or otherwise persuade him to do it. Ok?

Inappropriatefemale · 27/01/2020 19:43

She would be wrong yes but he would also be wrong to continue doing what he is doing and the only way he may change is if the OP refuses to have sex with him until he speaks to her, or a professional about his issues.

I finished with a guy once because there was zero foreplay and he wasn’t open to trying it and said giving a woman oral would be disgusting, he was a lights out, missionary position only type tooConfused and he was done within 2 minutes...

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 19:54

He's not wrong. He is doing what he feels comfortable to do. If that doesn't fulfill op then she can choose to leave, as she could have done 18 years ago.

Think about it. What if a man wanted oral sex but his wife didn't want to perform it - do you truly believe that she should go to counseling in order to get over her dislike? That is just wrong in my book.

We all have the right to our own boundaries as to what we will do it have done to us. The key is to then find partners who.align with our boundaries.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 27/01/2020 19:57

This thread is interesting because there have been many threads in the past from women, usually approaching menopause, who are no longer interested in sex and their husbands are getting increasingly unhappy. The replies are always along the lines of "tell him to use his hand, he's a disgusting pig, LTB, oh poor diddums can't get his end away"...

How so? According to you those women should be off to arrange counseling and hrt and then doing all they can to pleasure their husbands even if they never want sex again.