to be angry DH has ruined our sex life because of ED?

[thesparrowflieshigh]

He's had it really since we met 18 years ago but I was young and in love and thought we'd get past it. He probably manages a decent erection 10% of the time and the other times we manage it with a semi erection. This is pretty much always in the missionary position as he doesn't like trying anything new because of the ED. He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited. I've sort of gone along with this for years and as I can orgasm pretty easily when I fantasise a lot. However, recently my sex drive has just died and I am left feeling resentful towards DH that he can't just relax and get a normal erection. It also makes me feel rubbish and undesirable There is nothing wrong medically. He has had Viagra which works but only takes it every now and then. I really don't know how to move forward from here. In other aspects of our relationship we are a great match and I wouldn't leave him over this. I am just really sad that this part of me has been taken away.

Counselling for his ED issues and I think his issues go further than this in all honesty and I think the OP mentioned his upbringing being not so great.

He also won’t give her foreplay, or have it himself as he loses his erection and so then just puts it inside her dry vagina, not good.

I hope the OP manages to sort it out and be happy as she loves him so there may be hope, although her hubby may not like change, lots of folks don’t.

If I had a hubby and I was approaching menopause (well I’m in the perimenopause) and didn’t want sex then I would allow him a free pass to have sex with someone else as I wouldn’t think it fair that he had to go without because of me, but then I’m not married so it’s easy for me to say this but I get why men cheat in these positions.

He also won’t give her foreplay, or have it himself as he loses his erection and so then just puts it inside her dry vagina, not good.
But where does she say that he puts it in her dry vagina? She doesn't. You've just assumed that. Maybe the op gets herself good to go? Maybe that was a joint decision. You're just assuming this. Same as you assumed about oral.

If I had a hubby and I was approaching menopause (well I’m in the perimenopause) and didn’t want sex then I would allow him a free pass to have sex with someone else as I wouldn’t think it fair that he had to go without because of me

I'd keep that quiet around here if I were you. That will not go down well at all.

Seems like a lot of fuss about a bit of sex. Just have a cuddle and go to sleep. Sex is only part of a relationship.

Lots of people are fussed about sex and obviously the OP is!

No foreplay usually means dry vagina, it’s not rocket science!

No foreplay usually means dry vagina, it’s not rocket science!grin

In your experience maybe, but depends on a whole lot of things. You don't need another person to get you excited do you, so lack of foreplay from the partner doesn't mean that the op didn't do other things to prepare.

Maybe she is sick of having to prepare herself though! Well no maybes about it, she is!

I get all that but if things are so bad, surely they can go their separate ways? However they could look back in twenty years and realise how good the relationship was in other respects. They've been together for eighteen years so there must be something.

Seems like a lot of fuss about a bit of sex. Just have a cuddle and go to sleep. Sex is only part of a relationship
It is a very important part of a relationship, if one partner wants sex, not everyone is satisfied with a cuddle for intimacy.
I'm sure there is lots more in the relationship but you only live once.

because virtually the whole thread has now centred on posters stating that the op wants oral, he must do oral, all women want oral etc etc etc. That's all anyone is talking about when it comes to foreplay.

I question your reading comprehension because that's not what I'm getting out of the thread.

I’m not surprised he’s struggling with it tbh.

The thing that struck me is that he wants to progress to sex as soon as he is hard! Then after sex, that's it. What's stopping him pleasuring you after you have DTD, other than selfishness?

though I think this man doesn’t like sex from the sounds of it and this is perhaps why he gets ED I agree.
There is plenty he could have brought to the bedroom in 18 years, sensual massive, foreplay, there's more than one way to skin a cat so to speak.

You need to talk to him. Tell him your sex drive is less now that you are In peri menopause (or whatever) and you want to spice things up. Get a dildo. Tell him you don’t want his semi, you just want to find new ways to come. Let him experiment with his mouth, hands and toys. After you come he can try whatever he wants so he can come too. Schedule this new sex and on days when you are doing it the traditional way explain you still need to come first. For me intercourse before a lot of foreplay hurts. You need to be good and ready before he goes inside. And tell him you can’t handle the semis. More drugs!

BengalGal

I think there are so many things wrong with your post. No one should have to take drugs in order to satisfy their partner sexually. If he doesnt want to take Viagra then that's the end of the discussion. He shouldn't be bullied into taking it. The same goes for him doing anything else that he doesn't want to do - oral or anything else.

He sounds like he has a very difficult and complicated relationship with sex, possibly formed during his childhood. He absolutely should not be bullied into doing things that he is so uncomfortable with. What he really needs is to have some counselling to see if issues from his past can be resolved.

Now, whether the op chooses to wait that out or not is of course, entirely her decision and she shouldn't be forced into staying with him or living a celibate life but that doesn't mean that she gets to bully another person into doing stuff that they don't want to do. That is so wrong on so many levels.

I don't think anyone here has proposed coercion or bullying. I think a lot of people have proposed things that the OP could suggest to her DH and some people have expressed dismay that he won't do simple things like taking viagra. HearHooves I don't know where you get your ideas of coercion from.

What does BebgalGals post mean then?

Tell him you don’t want his semi, you just want to find new ways to come. Let him experiment with his mouth, hands and toys. After you come he can try whatever he wants so he can come too. Schedule this new sex and on days when you are doing it the traditional way explain you still need to come first.

And tell him you can’t handle the semis. More drugs!

What does all of that mean? Tell him this, tell him that, tell him you don't want this, he's got to do that, including more drugs.

What should op do to give him pleasure? What happened to them talking about it and working out a mutually satisfy way forward? Why should he have to take Viagra if he doesn't want to?

What happened to them talking about it and working out a mutually satisfy way forward?

The only thing that poster is out of order on is the viagra. How can "them talking about it" be meaningful if she doesn't spell out what she wants? How can they talk about sex if she's not allowed to spell out what she wants because HearHooves thinks that a woman stating her desires clearly is somehow coercion?

It's misogyny to cast women stating their desires (for oral, a decently-hard cock, or anything else) as inherently coercive. "I want" doesn't automatically mean "you must provide", so don't pretend that it does.

I'm not sure if you can just say "I want" within a marriage if the "I want" is impossible for the partner to achieve without taking medication or if that partner can't provide the "want" due to possible psychological issues.

Would it be ok for a male partner to issue the same demands for a blow job, knowing that his wife has deep psychological issues around it? I don't think it would and the fact that they are in a relationship adds more emotions to the situation, around will the relationship be over if the partner doesn't agree to the request - that is what makes it coercive for me.

Tell him you don’t want his semi, you just want to find new ways to come.

Isn't being said to the DH though, is it? It's being said to the OP. One would reasonably expect that the OP might phrase the request differently.

Where has the OP said that DH has psychological issues surrounding cunnilingus?

The op hasn't but she posted that he struggled to show affection and she blames his parents who were unaffectionate, distant and strict throughout his childhood. Other posters asked whether they were strict around the idea of sex and was he brought up to believe it's dirty. Op didn't answer this, I don't think. However, given that he's had ED from a fairly young age, he will only have sex in the missionary position and his strict upbringing it's not a massive leap to guess that he's got psychological issues around sex.