to be angry DH has ruined our sex life because of ED?

[thesparrowflieshigh]

He's had it really since we met 18 years ago but I was young and in love and thought we'd get past it. He probably manages a decent erection 10% of the time and the other times we manage it with a semi erection. This is pretty much always in the missionary position as he doesn't like trying anything new because of the ED. He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited. I've sort of gone along with this for years and as I can orgasm pretty easily when I fantasise a lot. However, recently my sex drive has just died and I am left feeling resentful towards DH that he can't just relax and get a normal erection. It also makes me feel rubbish and undesirable There is nothing wrong medically. He has had Viagra which works but only takes it every now and then. I really don't know how to move forward from here. In other aspects of our relationship we are a great match and I wouldn't leave him over this. I am just really sad that this part of me has been taken away.

No YANBU, I accept that you married "knowing" this but you've realised that this is making you deeply unhappy.

Has he tried everything possible to improve the situation?

@draughtycatflap do you have sexual issues? Does your partner reject you? Because you don't seem to be able to realise that adults can and do enjoy good sex? Why come out with such a bitchy comment when OP has just asked for advice on a sexually related problem. It's like you think that a woman can't want decent sex?

Sorry OP you do need to sit down and be honest, gentle but honest. He then needs to take steps to try and improve the situation.

This would upset me too. The odd time DH has had a drink or whatever and can't perform properly I get annoyed and frustrated so I can't imagine how you must feel. You can't help but feel you are somehow to blame. I don't think I could've married someone with that problem to be honest - it just wouldn't work for me - I know that probably sounds awful.
I would imagine therapy and/or viagra could help but if not I really don't know what the answer is. you do have my sympathies and I don't think you deserve to be attacked for feeling this way. What have you said to your DH about it? Does he know you get angry?

I agree with @spongejack

It’s worth sitting down and having the difficult conversation.

Don’t give up.

Agre you need to tell him. I strongly suspect if he thinks he's doing a good job then it's because you're enabling him to think that, you need to tell him it's not working for you.

Just encourage him to take Viagra or Cialis more frequently.

YANBU it sounds frustrating to me. Especially the way he is very specific about the way he wants to have sex. Has he actually tried to anything about it? Obviously depending on the cause it has he even tried to find out the cause?

'Assuming the ED isn't self inflicted by lifestyle, this isn't his fault. '

@SleepingStandingUp Yes but he's been given tablets that help, and rarely bothers to take them. So his having ED is now his fault.

@thesparrowflieshigh Have you told him you much prefer the sex when he uses the tablets, and would want him to use them every time?

*that you would

I would sit him down and tell him, he isn't doing a great job with out it and you want him to take it .. if he is left to bloke he is doing ok nothing will change !

He thinks it's all good with a semi because you're brilliant at self arousing

Now your libido has dropped he needs to step up and take the viagra regularly

You've been accommodating him, now he has to accommodate you

Oh - and you need to explain all this to him

I did have a good sex life prior to DH, unfortunately with men who were incompatible in other ways.

Life is a compromise. You'll never get 100% perfection. When you married him, you made the decision that other aspects were more important than his ED. Perhaps you're forgetting all his other good points and the baggage you endured with the others before him?

YANBU. Tell him no viagra, no sex. A more healthy lifestyle would probably help as well.

Just encourage him to take Viagra or Cialis more frequently.

Difficult when GPs limit your prescription. OH has Cialis and only gets 4 tablets per month!

How old is he? Has he ever seen a doctor about it?

I don't think this would be half as much of a problem if you had a decent sex life in other ways. ED doesn't and shouldn't mean that you can't enjoy mutual masturbation, cunnilingus, fingering, vibrators, kinky stuff, or anything else that floats your boat. If you yourself are personally fixated on penetrative sex then I can see it's a huge problem, but you'd both have a lot more fun if you explored other ways to give and receive pleasure, surely.

I think if you enjoy yourself more with viagra and there's no reason he can't take it more often, you need to tell him you'd like him to use it more frequently. Tell him in a positive way rather than "I don't get much from you humping me in missionary with a semi." You could say "I absolutely love it when you can relax from worrying about the ED and we can try different positions. It makes me feel so hot when you do it from behind" (or whatever).

If you can't talk to your husband about what you do and don't like in your sex life then you have some bigger problems than the ED. But I understand it can feel awkward and embarrassing at first. What have you got to lose, though?

I think I've put up with it because I've managed to fantasise during sex and been able to orgasm. In fairness, he does know which technique to use for that. But the past few months I am really struggling to turn myself on so cannot really enjoy it and just keep thoughts of him losing his erection or his semi erection take over. It's like my sex drive has completely gone.

A pump is usually effective. Worth a go. Buy one with a ring as part of it, and not the cheapest ones. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/penis-extenders-enlargers/penis-pumps/

I think people are being very harsh and unfair to OP.
What about just dealing with the facts as they are now?

I completely agree with the person who wrote this.

However this AIBU, and who wants to deal with the facts when we can give someone a good kicking, especially if there's a man somewhere that can be blamed.

There are countless women putting up with a crap sex life because they never wanted to hurt a new partner's feelings. Even without ED factored in.

Maybe just take a break from sex for a while if you're not into it. Or when you want sex, tell him to take viagra. It's time to stop letting him believe he can get the job done with a semi! Just say it doesn't work for you anymore.

It sounds like you really do need to sit down and ,gently, talk about it. From his point of view, nothing has changed for him - except you. I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling like this, but there does seem to a lack of communication.

Has he seen a gp? You can definitely take viagra regularly, bil takes it for his Raynauds, so that shouldn't be a reason not to.

He doesn't want to do anything about it - see a doctor, use Viagra, pumps, etc. You made a mistake in staying with him. Tell him how you feel. I'd probably go somewhere else for it, tbh.

I’m just imagining what adverts will start to appear on my Mumsnet page, if I click on that, Interestedwoman! 😳🤣

IMAGINE if this was a women who posted about her husband's dissatisfaction with her sexual performance.

And you know, you don't need to do the gentle and softly approach but the truth. Own up to having hung onto the relationship.