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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry DH has ruined our sex life because of ED?

246 replies

thesparrowflieshigh · 22/01/2020 15:56

He's had it really since we met 18 years ago but I was young and in love and thought we'd get past it. He probably manages a decent erection 10% of the time and the other times we manage it with a semi erection. This is pretty much always in the missionary position as he doesn't like trying anything new because of the ED. He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited. I've sort of gone along with this for years and as I can orgasm pretty easily when I fantasise a lot. However, recently my sex drive has just died and I am left feeling resentful towards DH that he can't just relax and get a normal erection. It also makes me feel rubbish and undesirable There is nothing wrong medically. He has had Viagra which works but only takes it every now and then. I really don't know how to move forward from here. In other aspects of our relationship we are a great match and I wouldn't leave him over this. I am just really sad that this part of me has been taken away.

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 23/01/2020 07:59

I think start by not thinking of sex as penis centric, or about his orgasm, which it seems he is at the moment, maybe read a book like Come as you are and gently. The penny dropped for me when I read wirework about the difference between heterosexual pre marriage sex (equal) and post marriage sex when both can inexplicably fall into habits of pleasing or doing for the male.

Cheesespreading · 23/01/2020 08:34

For a start it’s not his fault and I think you’re in the wrong to be annoyed when you knew what kind of relationship you were getting into. You’ve never had a decent sex life so saying he has taken that from you is false. You really shouldn’t have stayed with him if it’s such a big problem for you. All you can do now is leave him if it’s too much for you cope with but fucking hell, don’t make him feel bad. That would be petty on your side.

Scapegoatforlife · 23/01/2020 10:00

You're bitter and resentful.

You knew from day one this was an issue and most likely would get worse as he got older yet you made your choice.

ED is extremely common and says nothing about how he feels about you.

Give yourself a head wobble

HannaYeah · 23/01/2020 11:10

@Scapegoatforlife

I think the bitterness relates to the post above yours.

ED is not, her DH could solve the problem by demonstrating regularly that he that he cares about her happiness with their love life. Right now it’s all about him. But I think that’s going to require her having a tough conversation with him.

HannaYeah · 23/01/2020 11:10

*ED or not!

MimiLaRue · 23/01/2020 13:26

The DH here is under no obligation to have sex with the op, particularly if he finds it too difficult. He doesn't have to take medication just for ops benefit

He is under no obligation, no. She is also under no obligation to stay with someone with an unsatisfactory sex life. It cuts both ways!

Vanhi · 23/01/2020 13:27

I.do not understand why the same rules don't apply to men who do not want or are unable to have sex as they do for women.

In this case, the DH wants to have sex but is unable to do this in a matter that satisfies the OP. Now, this may be a breakdown in communication and she does need to try more communication first. But there's no point in saying 'oh if the genders were reversed you'd all be saying something different' and then giving examples of situations which are not equivalent anyway.

He wants sex but does it in a way which is not a turn on for the OP and may actually be painful. If a man said his wife was hurting him during sex in a way he didn't want, I'd give similar advice - she needs to buck her ideas up and stop hurting you.

MimiLaRue · 23/01/2020 13:28

If a man said his wife was hurting him during sex in a way he didn't want, I'd give similar advice - she needs to buck her ideas up and stop hurting you

Exactly! its really not that difficult to see the difference here FGS

LolaSmiles · 23/01/2020 13:43

There's a few issues in this situation.

  • You continued the relationship knowing the issues and have given the impression that the current set up is acceptable. Women make a mistake of not telling their partners what they like/dislike end up sacrificing their sex lives to avoid hurting feelings. You would be unreasonable to be annoyed at him for this when you went in with your eyes open.
  • He has ED, the desire for sex and a means to help relieve ED, but he chooses not to take appropriate action. Instead he expects you to put up with less than satisfactory sex and poor levels of intimacy and affection. YANBU to be frustrated with this situation.

Both parties need to be on board with regards to their sex life. Nobody should feel pressured to go through the motions or accept sex that isn't right for them. There needs to be some open and honest communication.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 23/01/2020 13:47

If this were a man posting that his wife had vaginismus would you all, seriously, be telling him that she needs to focus on him, do things to give him enjoyment even if she couldn't enjoy sex herself, that she was selfish for not doing absolutely everything to alleviate the problem and that, even if only 1 position made it possible for her to have sex in that she has to become more adventurous in order to satisfy his needs?

One, you're comparing a painful disorder to a non-painful one, they're not equivalent.

Two, I would suggest what I'm going to suggest here and would suggest in any situation where PIV is difficult: outercourse.

Stop shagging. Stop trying to shag. Stop seeing PIV as the goal. Stop seeing foreplay as a necessary evil prior to PIV. Start touching, kissing, cuddling, and stroking with no expectation of PIV at the end of it.

JacquesHammer · 23/01/2020 13:56

Exactly! its really not that difficult to see the difference here FGS

Oh come on, why actually attempt to see a difference when an MRA can hit someone’s post and start throwing in whataboutery. Wink

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 23/01/2020 14:30

One, you're comparing a painful disorder to a non-painful one, they're not equivalent.
It's not just about pain though is it? Women might not want sex for any number of reasons. The point stands. No one is entitled to sex, man or woman.

Stop shagging. Stop trying to shag. Stop seeing PIV as the goal. Stop seeing foreplay as a necessary evil prior to PIV. Start touching, kissing, cuddling, and stroking with no expectation of PIV at the end of it.

Maybe he is not able to do that because of the dynamic that has been built up. Maybe the expectation is that it always leads to more. He should be getting enjoyment from whatever they do too and maybe he just isn't?

It's not being an mra to point out that not wanting or being able to have sex is something that should be respected by your partner

Original poster
thesparrowflieshigh · 23/01/2020 15:35

Thank you for taking the time to reply. This has been incredibly helpful as I have never discussed this with anyone before. I know this isn't really just his fault - I should have not led him to believe I was happy with the way things were in our sex life. I have been nowhere near vocal enough and now I fear I have dug myself into a hole. I really don't want to upset him and destroy what little confidence he has in his ability to perform but this is affecting our relationship. I feel angry and upset that we'll probably never have a normal sex life. But I know I'd never leave him so I need to come to terms with that and move on because at the moment I am being frosty with him. I just feel a bit stuck and unsure of how to proceed.

OP posts:
Bloomburger · 23/01/2020 16:13

thesparrowflieshigh I don't know where you're based but I could give you the details of the therapist who has sorted out DH.

It's an ongoing thing. It takes work and being v v honest but she saw DH first then me alone then us as a couple.

DH wasn't selfish, somewhat the opposite, which put a lot of pressure on me to achieve orgasm before he'd think about penetration. I got to the stage where I just wanted a good shag and not the whole bells and whistles and he, until we'd seen the lady couldn't do that.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 23/01/2020 18:50

It's not being an mra to point out that not wanting or being able to have sex is something that should be respected by your partner

Sure. But it's not unreasonable for someone to want to improve matters and ask for advice as to how to do that. When one partner can't have PIV for physical reasons, outercourse is a pleasurable way to work around that.

There's also a massive difference in attitude between someone who isn't wanting PIV because of agonising pain and someone who gives the least foreplay possible to get his own dick hardish: the second one's selfish. No one has a right to sex, but if you're going to have sex then you should make an effort to please your partner. You're using them as a walking fleshlight if you don't.

MimiLaRue · 23/01/2020 18:53

There's also a massive difference in attitude between someone who isn't wanting PIV because of agonising pain and someone who gives the least foreplay possible to get his own dick hardish: the second one's selfish. No one has a right to sex, but if you're going to have sex then you should make an effort to please your partner. You're using them as a walking fleshlight if you don't

YES! If people cant see the 2nd one is horribly selfish and not remotely comparable to the first then I really dont know what to say. I guess a lot of people must be in sexually unhappy relationships which is a shame

JacquesHammer · 23/01/2020 18:54

It's not being an mra to point out that not wanting or being able to have sex is something that should be respected by your partner

It is however being an MRA to hop onto a thread about one poster’s problems and use it as a “but what about the double standards” cheerleading platform.

By all means start your own thread about the nonsensical notion of “double standards” but it’s clear what your motives are on this (and many other!) threads.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 23/01/2020 19:04

OP: I should have not led him to believe I was happy with the way things were in our sex life. I have been nowhere near vocal enough and now I fear I have dug myself into a hole.

"I'm bored, let's try something different. Instead of shagging, I'd like [to do different nice thing, e.g I'd like you to spend ten minutes kissing my neck]." That may spark an uncomfortable conversation, but if you're not happy, you need to have that talk. I've found that as I get older, I need more stimulation to get off; you could say something like that to defend against the "but you've always been happy before".

The biggest mistake I made with my last bf was letting him put his dick in me. We'd been having amazing outercourse but as soon as I started letting him in, foreplay became a chore to be finished asap so he could dip his wick. Not repeating that mistake.

busybarbara · 23/01/2020 19:07

recently my sex drive has just died and I am left feeling resentful

Genuine question.. if you have no sex drive then why do you want sex? Clearly you do have a sex drive if a lack of sex is making you resentful?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 23/01/2020 19:14

He's not putting his own pleasure first if he isn't getting or maintaining an erection is he? As another poster said, if the erection goes it's not coming back so he could engage in foreplay that can't go any further. Would that suit the op? In which case, she's then putting her pleasure before her partner's isn't she?

There are clearly some very complex issues going on which could be physical, psychological or a mixture of the 2. I think he's trying to deal with it in the best way that he knows how. Given the description of his upbringing I would not be surprised if he was brought up to consider sex, particularly if for pleasure, as something wrong, hence why only missionary position.

Up to the op really isn't it? If she wants to try and work through this with him then she can't go in demanding and blaming. The fact remains however, he isn't obliged to have any form of sex with her not take medication to enable sex unless he wants to.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 23/01/2020 19:19

if you have no sex drive then why do you want sex? Clearly you do have a sex drive if a lack of sex is making you resentful?

Reading that and the past reliance on fantasising to reach orgasm, I suspect that the OP wants sex, just no longer with her husband.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 23/01/2020 19:24

Reading that and the past reliance on fantasising to reach orgasm, I suspect that the OP wants sex, just no longer with her husband.

If it's got to that then the relationship is over.

Lippy1234 · 23/01/2020 19:25

I read it as the OP is resentful that she’s not having sex where’s is not all about her DH’s penis. Will it get hard, is it nearly hard, it’s half hard so let’s get it in, all that without any thought to is the OP anywhere ready for intercourse or may want to try something out of the routine.

MimiLaRue · 23/01/2020 19:26

Reading that and the past reliance on fantasising to reach orgasm, I suspect that the OP wants sex, just no longer with her husband

This. I wouldnt want sex either with someone who was limp all the time and the only time he could do it was going in immediately without any kind of foreplay whatsoever. Thats a huge turn off

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 23/01/2020 19:28

if the erection goes it's not coming back so he could engage in foreplay that can't go any further. Would that suit the op? In which case, she's then putting her pleasure before her partner's isn't she?

  1. What stops him from being stimulated to orgasm once he gets it up whilst still not penetrating her?
  2. Why does PIV to his orgasm, if desired, have to mean the end of her sexual pleasure?
  3. In either 1 or 2, what stops him from pleasuring her after he's orgasmed?