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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry DH has ruined our sex life because of ED?

246 replies

thesparrowflieshigh · 22/01/2020 15:56

He's had it really since we met 18 years ago but I was young and in love and thought we'd get past it. He probably manages a decent erection 10% of the time and the other times we manage it with a semi erection. This is pretty much always in the missionary position as he doesn't like trying anything new because of the ED. He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited. I've sort of gone along with this for years and as I can orgasm pretty easily when I fantasise a lot. However, recently my sex drive has just died and I am left feeling resentful towards DH that he can't just relax and get a normal erection. It also makes me feel rubbish and undesirable There is nothing wrong medically. He has had Viagra which works but only takes it every now and then. I really don't know how to move forward from here. In other aspects of our relationship we are a great match and I wouldn't leave him over this. I am just really sad that this part of me has been taken away.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 26/01/2020 13:43

What is she doing for his pleasure?

Having sex his way every time.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/01/2020 14:11

I can't help thinking of this were a man on here saying
'Aibu to angry at my wife for ruining our sex life because of vaginimus'
He'd be hauled over the hot coals.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/01/2020 14:12

If you orgasm because you fantasize. I can't see an issue at least you do orgasm.

MimiLaRue · 26/01/2020 14:17

What is she doing for his pleasure?

She literally said she has been going along with it for years. FOR YEARS. She has been accommodating his issue for years and has finally got to the point where she is fed up of it.

'Aibu to angry at my wife for ruining our sex life because of vaginimus'

And if a man said his wife with vaginismus insisted she could only orgasm by him doing something that would be painful to him (equivalent to sex with no foreplay for women) I would think she was being EQUALLY as selfish. Especially if the man had put up with it for years.

Helmetbymidnight · 26/01/2020 14:17

i so loved it when mn was a female-centric website and people used to support women in distress rather than trotting out 'imagine if this were the other way round' as a way of shutting up women in pain.

MimiLaRue · 26/01/2020 14:19

If you orgasm because you fantasize. I can't see an issue at least you do orgasm

By this rationale, noone should ever want to be in a relationship should they? they can just orgasm alone by fantasising with a dildo.

Some people enjoy being turned on by their partner. Its hardly an unreasonable ask

MimiLaRue · 26/01/2020 14:21

@helmetbymidnight

Right? I feel like I'm in the twilight zone here! A woman says she is unsatisfied with her sex life and instead of support all she gets is

WHAT ABOUT MENS PLEASURE?

Geez.

jimmyjammy001 · 26/01/2020 14:41

But it's true on here, as soon as a bloke can't get it up, all the replys are 'leave him, it's his problem, find someone else' but as soon as a women has a problem down there and a bloke posts about it, it's 'your so selfish, you should be supporting her' so pathetic!

JacquesHammer · 26/01/2020 14:47

But it's true on here, as soon as a bloke can't get it up, all the replys are 'leave him, it's his problem

The ED isn’t a problem in and of itself. The OP’s partner’s attitude to sex is.

MimiLaRue · 26/01/2020 14:49

I think its unfair of either gender to have an issue like that and not make at least some effort to deal with it. Not taking the medication youve been prescribed or expecting your partner to have sex in a painful manner just because it suits you is incredibly selfish. I believe that applies equally to both genders.

nachthexe · 26/01/2020 14:55

Uh. The actual issue here is not the op’s dh, but that her sex drive has just died. Shebeen fine with the sex for a long time. She’s now (rightly or wrongly) projecting her own lack of sex drive onto her dh and is angry at him for it.
Whether her sex drive would improve if he took his viagra is an untested theory.

MimiLaRue · 26/01/2020 14:58

but that her sex drive has just died

Yes, because she has "gone along with it for years" and is now finally fed up of it. He wants to penetrate her with no foreplay. Would you want that for years? I bloody well wouldn't

Helmetbymidnight · 26/01/2020 16:28

But it's true on here, as soon as a bloke can't get it up, all the replys are 'leave him, it's his problem, find someone else' but as soon as a women has a problem down there and a bloke posts about it, it's 'your so selfish, you should be supporting her' so pathetic!

that's not true at all - each case on its own merits. i think its pathetic to pretend you can simply switch sexes and have exactly the same result and i don't get why people constantly do it.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 26/01/2020 18:12

For a start, no one knows whether this man has enjoyed sex for all of these years - maybe he hasn't.

Secondly, if your only complaint is that they've been having sex without foreplay well, now they're not having it at all so it's very comparable to a woman going off sex for any reason. In that instance her DH would be told that he's selfish, that no one is owed sex, and that he should support her. No one would insist that a woman should take medication either just so that she could have sex with her DH so why should this man have to take Viagra? If he doesn't want to he doesn't have to.

Inappropriatefemale · 26/01/2020 18:20

Nobody should have to have a sexless life either if they don’t want!

JacquesHammer · 26/01/2020 18:32

If he doesn't want to he doesn't have to

Absolutely his choice. It’s also the OP’s choice whether she stays in a partnership where her sexual needs aren’t being met.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 26/01/2020 19:30

I absolutely agree - no one should stay in a sexless marriage if they don't want to but I say that whether it's a man or a woman. Many posters on here rip into any man who is unhappy living in a sexless marriage and who is contemplating leaving.

Inappropriatefemale · 26/01/2020 19:53

Yeah I agree that it’s the same for both sexes, you can’t realistically expect your OH to be okay with no sex if this is what they want!

MimiLaRue · 26/01/2020 19:56

I wouldnt expect anyone to stay in a sexless marriage if they weren't happy and I have posted that about men too on other threads so there is certainly no double standard from me. It applies to both. In this case, OP is a woman and she should not stay with this guy if he is selfish in bed (which it sounds like he is) and she's not sexually satisfied.

Jay1289 · 26/01/2020 20:28

For someone who has struggled with sex and low sex drive for years (due to gynaecological issues) I would recommend just being honest with him. Don’t say you resent him for it but say how it is affecting you and what you want, chances are that it’s actually affecting him too, more than he lets on. The only way things will change is if you tell him. It might be a really hard conversation to have but it’s an important one to have. Just bare in mind how you would feel in the relationship if you were the one that had these problems. Maybe you both just need to work on ways to get that spark back for both of you, but communication is key.

Inappropriatefemale · 26/01/2020 20:46

Even if her hubby isn’t in the know about how she feels about their sex life then you would think it would be glaringly obvious that she would like foreplayHmm to be oral sex, I’m a bit confused as to why he doesn’t ‘just know’ this, maybe he isn’t very good at it, lots of men are crap at it imo and you have to show them how it’s done and sometimes where it actually is situated, the clit I mean, obvsGrin

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 26/01/2020 21:09

I really don't get why he should have to do oral (or anything else tbh) if he doesn't want. Nor should the op have to do anything that she doesn't want to either.

To be fair to him, if the op hasn't ever in18 years given him any reason to think that she is anything other than satisfied with their sex life then why would he think he's doing anything wrong?

The lack of communication is what is to blame here. I've read on here from a lot of posters who have said that they don't like oral so it's by no means a given that all women want it.

Vanhi · 26/01/2020 21:24

Even if her hubby isn’t in the know about how she feels about their sex life then you would think it would be glaringly obvious that she would like foreplayhmm to be oral sex

Nope. Not obvious. Not everyone likes it.

AngelsSins · 26/01/2020 21:27

This. It would be almost 99% LTB

*Other way round? “look after yourself hun”, “why is he being so lazy about ED?””

YABU. In sickness and in health

Bull. Go on a mens forum, post that your unhappy with you sex life because you’re wife will only have sex in one position, won’t give you any foreplay and won’t get help, and then come back and tell us what the men say.

Inappropriatefemale · 26/01/2020 21:42

Well the OP obviously likes it as she has stated he just won’t do it so he knows, plus lots of men like giving it as they get pleasure from giving pleasure, though I think this man doesn’t like sex from the sounds of it and this is perhaps why he gets ED.

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