to be angry DH has ruined our sex life because of ED?

[thesparrowflieshigh]

He's had it really since we met 18 years ago but I was young and in love and thought we'd get past it. He probably manages a decent erection 10% of the time and the other times we manage it with a semi erection. This is pretty much always in the missionary position as he doesn't like trying anything new because of the ED. He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited. I've sort of gone along with this for years and as I can orgasm pretty easily when I fantasise a lot. However, recently my sex drive has just died and I am left feeling resentful towards DH that he can't just relax and get a normal erection. It also makes me feel rubbish and undesirable There is nothing wrong medically. He has had Viagra which works but only takes it every now and then. I really don't know how to move forward from here. In other aspects of our relationship we are a great match and I wouldn't leave him over this. I am just really sad that this part of me has been taken away.

Just a bit of medical info .
Dr informed my husband that Viaga can give you a heart attack if you have problems with blood pressure or heart problems.
Viaga was originally developed for treating colds .
But it didn't work but the side affects were that it brought on a Erection.
So the company sold it as a new product...
A pharmacist friend told me .

How about half a viagra every time and there’s absolutely no reason not to have some after play?

I suppose as you've been together for 18 years and you were in your 20's so now late 40's maybe early 50's?.

Can't remeber where it was writ but around 50% of men at that age suffer some degree of ED its quite common. Its pretty devastating to most men that they can't have sex like they once had and don't feel that much of a man anymore!

Yes of course you can do other things to pleasure your lady but most women like a decent PIV experence, and they don't like having to faff around with condoms and the like its just basic and raw the way nature inteneded it to be. Well thats what I've found anyway over time!

That said i think he'd be best off seeing a doctor and urologist to elimate any other practical medical sources of ED then see the best way and dosage to treat. Some men respond better to differnt ED meds and getting the dose right, and do not take on a full stomach or after a greasy meal, bit awkward if your having fun an hour or two after dinner! and the side effects etc.

And what you expect from him, your relationship. After some years of ED a mans intrest can wane and he may not be the man you used to know, couse a womens intrest can wane too after children and with aging etc so you may need to work on that counselling, whatever?

I'm now in my later 60's and of course the ED has been there for some time but i have fun and games with a FWB i know, we both know where we stand of that sometimes can mamage fine most times less the blue pills, but they do give that added confidence which makes for a better time but they do have odd side effected they can make it harder to pop and one other thing a lot of men using condoms have erectile loss if you can get around that, does help.

HTH and best of luck getting it all back on track:)

Just a bit of medical info .Dr informed my husband that Viaga can give you a heart attack if you have problems with blood pressure or heart problems.

@Jaci08 ^^ True but..... You're a bit out of date. Years ago, Viagra was only available on prescription as there was a very low risk of heart attack (as the drug increases BP.) It's now available over the counter because the risks are very very small.
Any man with ED though ought to see a GP because the risks of a heart attack are far greater with ED being caused by blocked veins and arteries than with Viagra.

Viaga was originally developed for treating colds

Err No, it was orignally devopled as a blood pressure med and during the trails some users noticed interesting side effects:)

Heart attack is a very very rare side effect!

You don't know.

I know he wasn't interested in trying to find out. It was a long time ago and I've learned not to go out with selfish men. Which is not to say that every man with ED is selfish - of course that isn't the case. But where selfishness and ED coincide you're onto a losing battle.

Viagra has some uncomfortable side effects. You can't just pop a pill. Generally there's a headache afterwards, a bit of a stomach upset, blue tinged vision, and a loosening of the bowels. Now I personally class that as a price worth paying, but I can quite understand that some people would prefer to manage without if at all possible.

IMAGINE if this was a women who posted about her husband's dissatisfaction with her sexual performance

This. It would be almost 99% LTB.

Other way round? “look after yourself hun”, “why is he being so lazy about ED?”

YABU. In sickness and in health.

While logically you know that it isn't his fault etc, it is quite normal for you to feel resentful. Feelings aren't always rational. Even those saying YABU on here well know that isn't how feelings work. It doesn't make you a bad person, just an unhappy and frustrated one.

What wouldn't be right would be for you to show that resentment to him. I don't have any advice about the actual problem, but don't beat yourself up for not having perfect rational reactions to shit things when you're unhappy.

This is pretty much always in the missionary position as he doesn't like trying anything new because of the ED. He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited.
I know he loves me but i do miss affection.

TBH I'm not surprised you're starting to feel resentful. It sounds like it's not so much the ED but more that he's acting rather selfishly all round.

YANBU. I'm in a similar but not identical situation. I could quite happily never have sex again - the planning ahead, him insisting that he can manage without the meds and his hurt-puppy act when I suggest that he might not be right about that, have killed all desire in me.

I've also noticed that he has become much more selfish in bed since he has had ED. It's all about him, and I just need to be there for him because that's the difference between sex and a wank. I've heard a lot from HCP about his need for support, and what will help him to feel better, but nobody cares about how I feel or what I want. To be honest, it all makes me feel like an appliance. And I want to scream at him about his entirely self-inflicted and predictable medical condition. I warned him for years and I tried to support him in lifestyle changes, but he knew better and now the damage is done.

Having a partner with ED is hard. Having a partner with ED who won't see beyond his egotistical need to manage without the meds is almost impossible.

@FFSFFSFFS
IMAGINE if this was a women who posted about her husband's dissatisfaction with her sexual performance.

I would say exactly the same! if you were in your 80`s then maybe it is a forgivable thing, but below 60? You certainly need the Deed!!!!

He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited

Why does HE need to have an erection instead of giving YOU the pleasure of foreplay?
How has it not occured to him to concentrate on turning his wife on, or that sex is about more than penetration?

I am left feeling resentful towards DH that he can't just relax and get a normal erection
Hmmm, you can't help feeling that, but I hope you never let it show ...

Why not help him relax by taking the focus away from whether he happens to be erect or not?
Show him how much pleasure & comfort you can take in each other's bodies without PIV.
Tell him you find his body & mind sexy, not just his penis FFS.
And encourage him to do the same for you.

Have either or both of you had any counselling about it?

And yet when women post to say that they've gone off sex and their husbands are saying that they are struggling everyone sympathises with the woman, tells her that her husband is selfish, that he needs to take care of things himself, that he needs to do more, be more romantic etc etc.

If a poster suggested going to the Dr to get medication for her loss of libido or to get counselling for it they would be shot down. If a woman has sex problems it's her husband's fault or he needs to just accept it. If a man has problems it's his fault and he's just bring selfish for not satisfying her even if he can't manage it or doesn't want it.

I'm assuming that the answer for women who don't want sex is to just pleasure their husbands then is it? No, I didn't think so, so how come it is in this case?

And yet when women post to say that they've gone off sex and their husbands are saying that they are struggling everyone sympathises with the woman,
Yes, that seems to be true, however! Usually women go off sex after having babies... so that’s kinda legit reason (especially if their partners not really pulling their weight)

What's a non legit reason for not wanting sex?

Life's too short OP.

If he can't get it up for you, you need to LTB.

No excuses.

you dont need to ltb.youve gone this far.ltb ,especially if otherwise happy is dumb..get adventurous ..im actually smitten with the satisfactory semi..tho..wouldnt be if as good as it gets..sex toys n sunshine can change your life.fact

YABU

He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited

OK this is quite a real problem and one I've experenced at times.

It may become hard quite quickley BUT it dosent stay that way for long its a sort of;

"If your going to use me then do it now! else i'm off on strike"

Hence the wording and definition of ED;

"The ablity to obtain and Keep an erection"

I don't quite know why, the mechanics of it all, but this does happen and yes it's very annoying it is very difficulet after a foreplay session to get it to rise again, rise enough for penetration and stay that way for long enough.

I have b heard that sometimes a cock ring thats like an elastic band gubbinms places on the bottom of the menber can help tpo keep it hard it constricts the blood flow OUT of the penis might be worth a try but in the OP's case I really think he needs to consult a speclist on the subject foir him.

And Also.

Some other medications can be a cause of ED well maybe not the prime cause bu they don' j help such as blood pressure meds and anti depressants and even i belive humble this like ibuprofen ! Its all in the BNF .

lilmisstoldyouso Thats very sympatic and understanding of you;-(

I have so much sympathy for you OP. I’m in a similar position and he just will not talk about it - he insists that makes it worse. He concealed it from me at the beginning of his relationship, had an incredible sex life with his ex and took it every day for her.

I really am loathe to get into advice giving because he has to be willing to address this - you can’t do it alone. But if it’s at all possible there is a technique where you take penetration off the table entirely. It does work but my dp gave up on it, after initially being really excited. I have no idea why he gave up. I think he wanted instant results.

Also if he can get a semi a cock ring is worth looking at (my dp has a metal one)

I'm assuming that the answer for women who don't want sex is to just pleasure their husbands then is it? No, I didn't think so, so how come it is in this case?

I'll happily answer that:

1. Because he is also being stingy in his affections so not only is OP not getting sex, she's not getting hugs/kisses/human touch etc

1. He is expecting penetration the MOMENT he gets an erection without any foreplay for her. Thats selfish and can be painful and uncomfortable for women.

1. He appears to have medication to fix it but is not taking it.

If she were not feeling like sex, expecting her H to do something sexually that was uncomfortable for him, to accommodate her, and showing him zero affection I'd say EXACTLY the same thing.

But you don't know why he has ED. Given what op said earlier about his upbringing he might have been conditioned from very early on that sex is something dirty. He may well have a huge psychological barrier about sex, hence why he will only ever consider the missionary position. It's not him being selfish.

If he wants intercourse before op is ready then she needs to tell him, particularly if it's painful for her.

As regards the medication, maybe they can't afford for him to take it every day. It's expensive if you have to buy it.

On every other thread where it's the woman who is unable, or doesn't want sex, posters state that having sex is not a right and that if the woman doesn't want sex then her partner just has to put up with it. Usually accompanied by a load of disparaging remarks about him too.

The poster will say that they are scared to show any affection for fear that the partner will assume sex will follow, which is maybe what's going on here, which is why the DH is withdrawn emotionally. Again, the woman will be sympathised with.

I have never seen a thread where the woman is told that if for any reason she doesn't want to, or cant, have sex, that she should just concentrate on her partner yet that's what's being said here.

The DH here is under no obligation to have sex with the op, particularly if he finds it too difficult. He doesn't have to take medication just for ops benefit, just as women don't have to take the pill or hrt to make sex possible for their partner.

The op here says that she has list her desire for sex and is blaming her DH for that. How come? How is he responsible for her loss of sex drive? Maybe that was always going to happen regardless of who her partner was.

I.do not understand why the same rules don't apply to men who do not want or are unable to have sex as they do for women. No one has to have sex if they don't want to. No one has to take medication in order to have sex if they don't want to. No one has the right to pressure a partner into doing anything that they don't want to do. These rules apply to both men and women. Imagine if the DH in this case took Viagra and then op still doesn't feel like sex - would you be telling her to crack on and "help him out"? No you wouldn't.

@user1497207191 that's a shag a week!

I thought that Cialis lasted for a couple of days.