Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry DH has ruined our sex life because of ED?

246 replies

thesparrowflieshigh · 22/01/2020 15:56

He's had it really since we met 18 years ago but I was young and in love and thought we'd get past it. He probably manages a decent erection 10% of the time and the other times we manage it with a semi erection. This is pretty much always in the missionary position as he doesn't like trying anything new because of the ED. He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited. I've sort of gone along with this for years and as I can orgasm pretty easily when I fantasise a lot. However, recently my sex drive has just died and I am left feeling resentful towards DH that he can't just relax and get a normal erection. It also makes me feel rubbish and undesirable There is nothing wrong medically. He has had Viagra which works but only takes it every now and then. I really don't know how to move forward from here. In other aspects of our relationship we are a great match and I wouldn't leave him over this. I am just really sad that this part of me has been taken away.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/01/2020 16:58

On nights when he is not wanting to take viagra or thinks the ED is worse, has he ever just done non-PIV stuff to you for your enjoyment?

SlightlyWizened · 22/01/2020 17:00

The two of you need to completely review your sex life. Things have to change. He needs to take the viagra or similar more often and start concentrating on your experience and satisfaction.

Hopefully he can be open and you can find ways to discuss the issues with him without him getting hurt, defensive or losing confidence.

SunshineCake · 22/01/2020 17:01

One can but cialis on line from a chemist whose name has escaped me right now.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 22/01/2020 17:03

What are the circumstances of him taking his Viagra or whatever the brand name is that he has ?

I'm confused as to why he doesn't take it more often. Does he ejaculate during PIV sex with you with a semi on ?

Can you ask him to take his prescription every time you agree to have sex. It's very difficult to ask but if you establish a phrase that you are both comfortable with, it might get easier.

What you really have is communication problem.

MashedSpud · 22/01/2020 17:06

You need to talk to him. Be gentle but make him understand.

Tiptoeing around the situation is causing resentment.

JinglingHellsBells · 22/01/2020 17:06

I'd say @thesparrowflieshigh, that you need to have a conversation with your H, not anons on a forum.

You are trying to mind read him 'I think he thinks...'

He's your husband and you are in bed with him! what's stopping you asking or telling him how you feel?

There are so many factors here and both of you bear some responsibility for how things are.

1 You because you appear to have let him think this sex life is okay.
2 Him for not using Viagra or whatever when he needs to.

You say it is not a medical problem- how do you know? Has he been to the GP? If he has how can you trust that? Might he be lying?

If ED is a physical condition it is potentially very dangerous as it is directly linked to furring up of the arteries = heart attack territory.

You should both think about seeing a cousellor who deals with sexual difficulties in couples.

Take some responsibility instead of not talking to him and talking to us!

AutumnCrow · 22/01/2020 17:10

Tadafil

GinDaddy · 22/01/2020 17:11

" I'd probably go somewhere else for it, tbh."

Can everyone please remember this when the next person comes on here wailing about how their DP left them for another woman...

andyjusthangingaround · 22/01/2020 17:12

@thesparrowflieshigh - YANBU
Sex (aka Love Making) is crucial part of a relationship - I couldnt be with my DH without it

Shodan · 22/01/2020 17:12

How is the rest of the relationship? Does he make you feel desirable, interesting etc?

I ask because I had a similar issue. XH had ED from the beginning of our relationship and it was honestly fine for many years (although I have to confess I did always slightly miss the 'usual' obvious sign of excitement) because he made me feel good outside of that area.

However when he started to treat me more like the resident housekeeper than someone who was interesting enough to pay attention to, I found my sex drive waning and I got increasingly annoyed by his lack of sexual performance. Viagra did help for a while, but ultimately it was what was going on in my head that put that final nail in the coffin, sex-wise.

Do you have a good relationship otherwise?

PanicAndRun · 22/01/2020 17:13

You need to talk to him and tell his it's not working for you anymore. He can't help his ED , but he can take the meds for it.

He can engage in foreplay before. He can give you oral/fingers/toy stimulation after. You can still spice things up.

But he needs to know it's not working and what you want/need. If he doesn't make any changes then, you can be as angry as you want at him.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/01/2020 17:15

Has he had his hormone levels checked?

AgathaVanHelsing · 22/01/2020 17:17

@user1497207191 that's a shag a week! You don't mean to tell me you want more than that?!? Greedy mare!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

cushioncovers · 22/01/2020 17:20

What's his diet like? Studies have shown cutting out red meat and dairy have helped ED.

Original poster
thesparrowflieshigh · 22/01/2020 17:21

I've tiptoed around it for so long that it's difficult to talk about but I have started. He knows I'm unhappy with how things are and it is stopping me being able to enjoy sex but I've only just really told him this. We had pretty disastrous sex last night where I was unable to get turned on and he ended up loosing it altogether :( We did have a talk after and he said he'd start using viagra each time. I'll try to carry on that conversation later.

OP posts:
okiedokieme · 22/01/2020 17:23

If everything else is good then why worry ... encourage other activities!

Evilspiritgin · 22/01/2020 17:24

Maybe you should both see the doctor, him about his Ed and you about your lack of desire

Original poster
thesparrowflieshigh · 22/01/2020 17:25

@Shodanhodan, he's pretty rubbish at being affectionate (never given any as a child and a had very distant relationship with his strict parents) but does a lot of practical things for me. I know he loves me but i do miss affection.

OP posts:
MisterT373 · 22/01/2020 17:25

There is a Cialis product that you can take on a daily basis. Cialis isnt as obviously effective as Viagra but it means that should the mood arrive it provides help in getting hard.

Cheeseandwin5 · 22/01/2020 17:27

So just to confirm , it is his fault that he doesn't get and maintain an erection and also his fault when you don't get turned on.
Also you have just told him you are dissatisfied, but it his fault for not being a mind reader.
Anything else he is too blame for?
You not telling him you are not happy, is not helping matters and is probably making things worse.
Good sex needs amongst other things good communication and shared responsibility, maybe you should try thinking it as more of a team effort and not just for him to make it all work.

Interestedwoman · 22/01/2020 17:28

@thesparrowflieshigh I was the same btw- having had an on and off relationship with a guy for 17 years or something, only then did I truly realise what I was missing out on sexually for some reason.

'Difficult when GPs limit your prescription. OH has Cialis and only gets 4 tablets per month!'

@user1497207191 It's a lower dose, but they can be bought in chemists now. There 4 or £5 a pop, but I don't think that's too bad for a shag. :)

'I’m just imagining what adverts will start to appear on my Mumsnet page, if I click on that, Interestedwoman!'

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily Might spice it up a bit Grin Grin Grin

Yeahnah2020 · 22/01/2020 17:30

So really he just wants to get his end away and not worry about your needs? There is no reason he shouldn’t be seeing to your needs with lots of good foreplay first. He might find it improves his ED and gets more turned on. He sounds very selfish. I’m with you OP. I wouldn’t be happy about the situation at all.

Vanhi · 22/01/2020 17:30

It is difficult OP. I was with someone with ED and I get that feeling of rejection - also the having sex before you're ready just because he's ready. I would say if I found myself in that situation again I would be much clearer from the start. No sex until I'm ready - it's painful and I don't want to. And whilst yes, I am sympathetic, this is important and it does need addressing. That means talking to a GP and finding out if it's physical. If it's psychological that means therapy. I have sympathy for someone with a problem. That sympathy wanes if they do not try to fix it.

It will be difficult for him to talk about but don't let that stop you. You can be kind, but watch that in your efforts to be kind you don't become unclear.

Justmuddlingalong · 22/01/2020 17:34

Was he taught that sex is a dirty thing, not to be discussed by his strict parents. What medical advice has he had? Has he ever seen anyone?

Berrymuch · 22/01/2020 17:34

Maybe try with the Viagra each time, and be more vocal about what turns you on- most men are actually receptive to this as long as it's not done in a you're rubbish in bed, but a this feels really good way.

Swipe left for the next trending thread