to be angry DH has ruined our sex life because of ED?

[thesparrowflieshigh]

He's had it really since we met 18 years ago but I was young and in love and thought we'd get past it. He probably manages a decent erection 10% of the time and the other times we manage it with a semi erection. This is pretty much always in the missionary position as he doesn't like trying anything new because of the ED. He also wants to start intercourse as soon as he is hard enough to enter me so foreplay is very limited. I've sort of gone along with this for years and as I can orgasm pretty easily when I fantasise a lot. However, recently my sex drive has just died and I am left feeling resentful towards DH that he can't just relax and get a normal erection. It also makes me feel rubbish and undesirable There is nothing wrong medically. He has had Viagra which works but only takes it every now and then. I really don't know how to move forward from here. In other aspects of our relationship we are a great match and I wouldn't leave him over this. I am just really sad that this part of me has been taken away.

You need to see a psychosexual therapist, DH had a pretty horrific experience in his adolescence which affected his ability to maintain an erection and seeing a therapist has changed our lives.

I understand all tumour feelings and how you end up blaming them but they are feeling just as bad as you are.

YANBU @thesparrowflieshigh. DH has the same issue and has for quite a few years now. He is 53 and I am 40. I would say maybe 8ish years now. It has put me off ever instigating sex TBH as it was quite soul destroying if I did and it didnt happen even though he appeared up for it. Same as you though, he does it semi hard but as time goes on I feel resentful which I know is totally wrong. He wants to rush straight in but thats obviously not ideal for me and sometimes it doesnt last till orgasm even (sorry TMI but thats the nature of this thread I guess)

He has been to the doctors but they said stress related but I think that just triggered it and now it's all the time.

I find it difficult to talk about as doesnt matter what I say about it I sound selfish. I did actually start a thread at the time and got all sorts of vile things said to me as I had said how I was feeling rather than it all going about him and even had Male posters PMing me making all kinds of offers

It's a difficult situation and I cant see it improving, I feel sad about it if I'm honest.

I guess my only advice is to talk to him openly about it but I totally appreciate that is so difficult to do!

Is this part of a diagnosed medical issue? If he's never had medical advice could you have a serious talk about him going to the GP? If that's already been done then maybe he needs talking therapy?

There is no reason that 'foreplay should be limited' - on the contrary, lots of foreplay, not rushing to penetration would help you both.

There are several advantages to extended foreplay - not least that it takes the pressure off him so he stops thinking about whether he's erect or not. You would feel fulfilled so are no longer frustrated (use a dildo and/or a vibrator during foreplay) and only let him penetrate you when you are fully aroused and have already come.

You need to talk to him honestly, and get him to use Viagra more regularly. I can't understand why he doesn't spend a good deal of time on foreplay for your enjoyment at the very least. Why does he rush to penetration when it's the thing he's least able to achieve? He's (and you are) missing out on all the other wonderful things sex brings to a relationship, like intimacy and a myriad of sensual pleasure which itself brings closeness.

Why not start with massage, and plenty of time to relax.

Generally women are taught that commenting negatively on someone's performance will cause Ed. That if you mention it, it will make it worse as he'll lose confidence.

And here we are telling OP it's her fault for not telling him.

No one is saying that @picklemepopcorn, they are giving advice.

he thinks he does a pretty good job with a semi erection
he must know this isnt satisfying for you though?
has he tried other ED meds?

Nobody's saying it's her fault but if she's given the impression she's fine with it to avoid hurting his feelings then how will he know she's not?

For a long term relationship to flourish you have to be brave and talk about things like this with kindness and compassion. Being open and honest is the best way forward, and then together make the changes that will develop deeper intimacy in the future.

YABU because blaming him for his erectile dysfunction is definitely the best solution to improving things.

There is no reason that 'foreplay should be limited' - on the contrary, lots of foreplay, not rushing to penetration would help you both.

Not necessarily. With my ex bf once he got an erection, which might happen fairly quickly if it was going to happen at all, he wanted penetration ASAP. Waiting meant he could very easily lose it and if so, not regain it that day.

Why does he rush to penetration when it's the thing he's least able to achieve? He's (and you are) missing out on all the other wonderful things sex brings to a relationship, like intimacy and a myriad of sensual pleasure which itself brings closeness.

Again, with my ex bf he did something similar. The one thing he focused on was the thing he found most difficult, despite my reassurances that there were lots of other things we could be doing. Any foreplay tended to be dismissed as me pressuring him for sex so he didn't like it. I couldn't do anything right, no matter what it was.

In the end, he dumped me. I'm glad he did though as we just weren't compatible and my experiences with other men since then have been much, much better.

The problem with men with ED, apart from the obvious lack of erection, is that they become the "all important" person in the set up. Ladies must not upset him with any complaint or comment so women accept this without complaint. There is no thought to how the woman feels. She thinks she has turned ugly and undesirable because of a problem with the man. Men with ED seem never to think that perhaps they would also benefit from pleasing the woman in other ways.

I was affected by OH having ED. It was awful. Every man passing me in the street was suspected of being my secret lover. When I had had enough of the accusations and left I was hounded in every possible way. I was being phoned at all hours of the night despite having to work and having a sick DC. It was impossible!
Finally I got free and later met someone else. It was very difficult after my previous experience. There was a lot of emotional worries involved. Luckily current DP is a very understanding person with a lot of patience.

Thebouquet that s a bit of a sweeping statement and doesn't apply at all to how my DH used to be.

Why doesnt he spend more time on foreplay for you before he focuses on himself. It comes across as extremely selfish for you to spend time on him then he wants to shove it in with no prep for you before he loses it. Sorry but that sounds like its all about him and his pleasure.

I couldn't stay with someone like this. Only ever doing it in missionary- how bloody boring, no wonder you feel fed up OP.

Life is too short for bad sex- find someone else

What @TheBouquets said is right - it's often about what's in their head, not about the pleasure they are able to give the woman. Their anxiety prevents them from engaging in other ways, like intimate conversation, meaningful looks, stroking, hands can work magic as well as words. Foreplay in fact.

@Vanhi - you have described a situation where all the focus is on what the man can't do. In his head it's all about his feelings. If he had been able to concentrate on making you feel wonderful then it's possible he would have found the whole thing a huge turn on and his erection might have returned. If not the first few times, then eventually. You don't know.

Ladies must not upset him with any complaint or comment so women accept this without complaint. There is no thought to how the woman feels

Totally agree!

There’s lots of ways of being intimate without penetration. Can you explore these?

If this were a man posting that his wife had vaginismus would you all, seriously, be telling him that she needs to focus on him, do things to give him enjoyment even if she couldn't enjoy sex herself, that she was selfish for not doing absolutely everything to alleviate the problem and that, even if only 1 position made it possible for her to have sex in that she has to become more adventurous in order to satisfy his needs?

I have never seen that. All I've ever seen is instructions for the DH to use his hand to relieve his frustration.

In this case the DH has ED and op has loss of desire. What is the op doing to regain her desire while DH is popping Viagra and getting psychosexual counseling, as mandated by MN?

This thread is oddly timed. I was coming home from work tonight thinking about a similar thing!

I honestly don't know the answer. I'm 37 and Dp 48. For the last several years it has been once a year at best. He recognises he may have ED but refuses to go to the Dr. I actually raised the issue last night with him, and he ignored me and walked out of the room. The last time was in June 2019, and he lost his erection after 5 seconds. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Your not alone OP.

I feel very angry and resentful towards him as he won't properly address the situation, and frankly I feel like he has taken the best sex years of my life away.

@IsAnybodyListening there is no shame from walking away from that relationship. Ignoring you and walking away is just not acceptable.

How old is this gentleman? does he have health problems? Should this be checked?

If this were a man posting that his wife had vaginismus would you all, seriously, be telling him that she needs to focus on him, do things to give him enjoyment even if she couldn't enjoy sex

If she was expecting him to do something that could be painful and uncomfortable (penetration without adequate foreplay) then yes. That is what he seems to expect her to do isn't it? Also I'm not even getting into "poor men" stuff because if a woman wasnt up for sex most men would leave or find someone else to shag so no, I dont feel an ounce of guilt for saying she should consider leaving.

Yanbu. You can't be a saint put up and shut up.
I don't have any practical advice though just adding my bit to say yanbu to want a decent sex life.

Sorry not read all posts. Any chance that your own hormones might have taken a bit of a dip OP? Would you consider or benefit from a bit of HRT? I only suggest this as i noticed my own libido had dived over around last 12 months. Like you, I’m a fantasist orgasmer 😁 and for some reason the magic was failing. A pump of ostragel has really put the spring back in my step and I’m considering viagra for my partner too! I know this is all the chemically supported route but do you know what? I’m not complaining! 😁

SO many are so conditioned, too, to put up with shit sex. You see it here all the time, give him another chance, suggestions of how it's the woman's job to shore up the shit sex, the you should be grateful he's nice otherwise, sex isn't everything blah blah blah. The time to have bailed was way long ago, OP, but it's not too late now. He's not going to change, see a GP, become interested in foreplay and mutual pleasure. So it's talk up, tell him the sex is no longer working so you either split or become free agents to pursue sex with others.

1. if hes got away with a passable semi as long....youre NOT doing so badly. i cant resisit saying i meant that tongue in cheek...lol...

ffssfsfsdfdss -lack of satisfaction-like satisfaction has to be a 2 way street.your points is..an invalid noise o[-sspeak to him,be honest and try to get to a place you explore..options..together..good luck x