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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my husband couldn’t lay on top of hospital bed next to me?

347 replies

Amyarmadillo1990 · 22/01/2020 10:10

So I’ve been in hospital a couple of times over my adult life, twice when I had my children, both times during labour my husband would lay on the bed with me,
Mostly we would both sleep, then I had an operation a few months back and before the op whilst I was in pain he would again lay next to me, either to cuddle me or just to talk but it was just nice to know he was right next to me when I was so poorly. Recently I was taken into hosp again, really poorly, never felt so horrific in my life. I was in tears a lot of the time and just an all round mess. My husband was working nights but he still came to hosp every day to see me. Every day we would both lay on top of the covers and sleep, during my stay we saw many nurses, sister of the ward etc and no one said anything. On the last day, a nurse younger than us came into do my obs, and yelled at my husband to get off the bed as it wasn’t really appropriate. When I asked why, as we were only napping, on top of the covers, she said it just doesn’t look very good does it’
We’re 30 and married, what exactly doesn’t look good about it? It’s not as if we were naked 😂
I’m just wondering if this is an actual rule, and if so why it’s been allowed before, I’ve seen lots of partners lay on beds during the times I’ve been in hospital! Or is it up to the nurses to decide or was my nurse just having a bad day that day? 😂 genuinley curious! Hoping I don’t have to go into hosp again for a loooong time but just want to be up to date on bed rules just incase 🙈

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 22/01/2020 11:19

we weren’t spooning, simply laid next to each other and weren’t on a ward, private room!

I worked in hospitals for nearly thirty years and this must be a hospital bed I have not seen before or you both resemble toothpicks.

At the end of the day the bed is for patients only for lots of clinical and practical reasons. Exceptions are young children and those dying where it is appropriate and practical. As much as OP feels as though she may have been close to dying I genuinely doubt this was the case as it does not sound as though it was an acute setting.

On top of the valid reasons it’s just weird as fuck. It’s not your house or a hotel.

Sparklingbrook · 22/01/2020 11:19

Well I'm going against the grain here. I see absolutely no problem with it at all

Even after reading the thread and seeing all the reasons why it's a problem?

SarahAndQuack · 22/01/2020 11:20

I can entirely see the medical arguments about infection control, and those about coercion, and about breaking the bed. I really do.

But my heart goes out to you, @Urkiddingright, and I can see how that might be a situation where a compassionate nurse could make an exception.

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 22/01/2020 11:20

I think it's a bit odd and I wouldn't do it myself, but equally if I were on the same ward as the OP I wouldn't care if she was wanting the comfort of a cuddle from her partner - it's not as if they were having sex ffs, she was at death's door! Since she was actually in a private room, I think it's really quite mean of the nurse. Infection control is another matter, but if that - or anything else - was the rationale, the nurse would have said so, not it just doesn’t look very good does it, which is hardly a reason at all imo. So I don't think YABthatU, OP. Get well soon!

eminencegrise · 22/01/2020 11:21

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Cluckyandconfused · 22/01/2020 11:21

I disagree that in all situations this is inappropriate and I actually am a nurse who works on a haem/onc ward.
I recently had an 84 year old lady who was quite unwell and coming to the end of her life due to progression of her cancer. Her and her visiting husband would lie on the bed together and hold hands. No one uttered a word.
If you’re at the stage of active treatment though and I spot your visiting grandchild on the bed I will very clearly explain the risks to everyone in the room. I don’t order people off beds though, but I do tell visitors with enough authority no one has ever not relocated themselves.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 22/01/2020 11:22

I’m sure it’s infection control and this makes total sense.

Someone on the first page suggested it looked like a controlling partner. When I finished reading your post, I thought this was NOT the case with you, but when I clicked the link this was my first thought. The nurse hasn’t got time to differentiate between a loving partner giving a much wanted cuddle to a woman who is quite comfortable sharing the bed from a man who is selfishly hogging the patients bed because it’s all about him, he feels a little tired which trumps the patient’s actual need to recover or he actively doesn’t want her to rest and recover in case she gets above herself being cared for and considered.

It’s exacrly the sort of thing an abusive partner would do, exactly. Nurses can’t be pickignnand choosing who to ban from the beds, so there needs to be a blanket (excuse the pun) policy.

On another note, when I had had dd and was 5 days in the ward with her, I absolutely hated peoples sitting on the edge of the bed. Made me really uneasy - no doubt tiredness / hormonal but valid. It’s hard to tell people this without offending or them moaning about lack of chairs (for a short visit when they haven’t just given birth ffs) so again it’s best to just have a rule as some patients won’t like it by won’t like to say.

Hercwasonaroll · 22/01/2020 11:22

Bloody grim for him to want to lie next to you tbh. All sorts of red flags there. Beds are for patients. Patients are generally unwell or recovering. Not needing a man laid next to them.

Peoplearemiserable · 22/01/2020 11:23

Everyone has explained why but I came to say that the nurses age has no bearing on anything. She’s a qualified nurse therefore she was right to tell him to get off the bed. I hated the maternity ward because everyone’s visitors took the mick and were breaking rules left right and centre. Nobody pulled them up on it which was detrimental to my health. It was just chaos and I wanted to go home so I could rest. Just follow the bloody rules!

GeePipe · 22/01/2020 11:25

When i was growing up where im from theres nothing wrong with it and our hospitals were very high standard very clean no super bugs. Then when i moved my grandfather was in hospital all the time and we were allowed to sit on his bed. Now all the hospitals where i live are riddled with super bugs the furniture is infested, there was dried blood on the frame of my bed and in fairness the doctor who told me how serious my condition at the time was encouraged my dp to sit on the bed with me and give me a cuddle which he did. So yeah some of us cannot see an issue with this at all unless you both happen to be massively overweight breaking a bed which i cant really see tbh.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2020 11:27

When I was in labour last year it was the ward sister who told DH to get into the bed with me for a cuddle to see if it got things moving. In the end I was too massive and on a monitor so we didn’t but she was adamant we should if we wanted to.

okiedokieme · 22/01/2020 11:28

As it was a private hospital, they set their own rules too

Herringbone31 · 22/01/2020 11:29

I’ve literally been in hospital since the beginning of December. And no point did my husband lay in my bed and sleep......It’s strange. It is. I’m sorry. Infection control. Don’t forget it’s not just you. I have a condition which means I have to be very careful of infections etc. I’m usually in a side room. But for infection control it had to be done. For people like me.

When I had my child. Some guy stayed overnight when he wasn’t supposed to. The staff went nuts. At 5an when they saw him. I mean police were called and all sorts!

As someone above said. It would show maybe safeguarding. It’s weird.

formerbabe · 22/01/2020 11:32

Yabvu

It's a hospital not a romantic weekend away in a nice hotel.

PumpkinP · 22/01/2020 11:32

Weird weird weird. This would have made me very uncomfortable

PrincessHoneysuckle · 22/01/2020 11:32

A bit to PDA-ish if you ask me.When I was in hospital being induced,dh was in the chair next to me overnight.I had surgery on friday and dh stayed on the chair next to me until I was discharged.Each to their own but yeah it's a bit weird and would probably make staff feel like they were intruding in some way.

thrree · 22/01/2020 11:40

Maybe I'm mean but if I'm ill there's no way I'm squeezing up in an already cramped bed to allow DH on. I'm not sure I believe it's for infection control though as I'v had DD1 sat on the bed with me and no ones said anything. They've probably had cases of inappropriate behaviour.

Herringbone31 · 22/01/2020 11:41

@HuggedTrees

Ha. Totally! 100%. Spot on

Would you lie and cuddle your partner at Pizza Hut laying down? Or cuddle up whilst on the tube....

Dontstepinthecowpat · 22/01/2020 11:42

I honestly think it is just out of respect for themselves and others that the majority of people don’t do this. I was in hospital for 6 weeks before DS1 was born and we never felt this necessary. Admittedly I am not massive on psychical contact and would feel worse having someone that close to me when ill.

Sparklingbrook · 22/01/2020 11:43

It's about now the Daily Mail/Loose Women/This Morning will be picking this up...

SD1978 · 22/01/2020 11:44

Infection control. Safety- access to safety equipment, and because it's a single bed and trying to get someone to move off it or have to move round then is weird and quite frankly annoying. You're an adult. Having your husband lying on the bed is weird and I'm surprised no one else has told him to get off it.

Widowodiw · 22/01/2020 11:52

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Mrsjayy · 22/01/2020 11:53

I am suspecting loose women will run it Sparklingbrook

Sparklingbrook · 22/01/2020 11:55

Yes Mrsjayy which panellist will deem it ok? Coleen maybe?

Mrsjayy · 22/01/2020 11:59

Hmm I think colleen would hoik her bosum Stacey and Nadyia would see nowt wrong with it Grin