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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why my husband couldn’t lay on top of hospital bed next to me?

347 replies

Amyarmadillo1990 · 22/01/2020 10:10

So I’ve been in hospital a couple of times over my adult life, twice when I had my children, both times during labour my husband would lay on the bed with me,
Mostly we would both sleep, then I had an operation a few months back and before the op whilst I was in pain he would again lay next to me, either to cuddle me or just to talk but it was just nice to know he was right next to me when I was so poorly. Recently I was taken into hosp again, really poorly, never felt so horrific in my life. I was in tears a lot of the time and just an all round mess. My husband was working nights but he still came to hosp every day to see me. Every day we would both lay on top of the covers and sleep, during my stay we saw many nurses, sister of the ward etc and no one said anything. On the last day, a nurse younger than us came into do my obs, and yelled at my husband to get off the bed as it wasn’t really appropriate. When I asked why, as we were only napping, on top of the covers, she said it just doesn’t look very good does it’
We’re 30 and married, what exactly doesn’t look good about it? It’s not as if we were naked 😂
I’m just wondering if this is an actual rule, and if so why it’s been allowed before, I’ve seen lots of partners lay on beds during the times I’ve been in hospital! Or is it up to the nurses to decide or was my nurse just having a bad day that day? 😂 genuinley curious! Hoping I don’t have to go into hosp again for a loooong time but just want to be up to date on bed rules just incase 🙈

OP posts:
WaterOffADucksCrack · 23/01/2020 13:38

Also I was in hospital for a while second time round and I asked the HCPs what they thought of partners staying over. All of them said it was usually better for the women as they were too short staffed to provide any care such as help with the baby/fetching food and drink (breakfast is only available to those who can get it so wasn't an option for many. And the rest didn't fancy walking to get it with their catheter/drip etc). But many said they had to tell many men off for forcing the woman to sit on the chair whilst he slept on the bed. One said that particular morning a man had the bed and his wife only a few hrs c section was on the chair when she shouldn't have been and said to the nurse he was tired! He had the option to go home and sleep if he couldn't cope with so little sleep!

Clymene · 23/01/2020 13:49

Partners don't belong on hospital wards. They need to go home because too many of them are selfish arseholes.

Hospitals should be providing decent maternity care to all women, not just those who have a partner that does it for them.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 23/01/2020 13:57

Clymene I agree but unfortunately we don't live in that world. Under the government we have they would prefer women to be made uncomfortable/suffer/be at risk at one of their most vulnerable times if it saves the nhs some money.

HoppingPavlova · 23/01/2020 14:10

I love how posters are pilling on to call the OP needy, immature and childish for wanting a cuddle...all while ignoring the implausibility of the infection control argument.

Putting the infection control issue aside, there’s lots of other reasons which have all been covered.

Risk of someone falling off the bed which is meant for one. Now you have 2 patients, not one and a fuck tonne of paperwork.

While there are special beds for high weights, normal beds are up to the challenge but not so much for 2 people combined and you risk damaging them. You can’t have a system where some patients can have visitors on beds and some can’t dependent on weight of patient and visitor, you need a blanket rule. That’s one person in the bed, the patient.

You are meant to have unhampered access to the patient at all times for routine and emergency purposes. Having someone else on the bed makes that hard.

If someone is that ill then there’s generally a bit of equipment involved which can be easily disturbed by someone else lying with the patient. I would argue if you don’t have this issue, you are not that ill and would question the need to have someone in bed with you for comfort. Also, in my experience, patients who are genuinely that ill don’t tend to give a flying fuck about anything and are not needy in that sense.

The other thing is, even if it is a private room, it’s still considered a public space. Others have to be around you to do their jobs. Most people are very uncomfortable dealing with patients sitting there cuddled up in bed. It’s an inappropriate PDA and lacks social sense and boundaries. In short, it’s fucking weird.

You also need to put a boundary in place as some people have absolutely none and people do have sex in the bed. We have all seen this. Much easier to have a blanket patient only on the bed rule. Sad but true.

Terminally ill is a different matter. Generally if at the point someone can climb into bed with them they have no equipment and are just being made comfortable. It’s also one sided generally, very different to two people in a PDA on a bed. It’s understandable and not weird.

Paeds are also a different matter. Weight issues would rarely be a factor. Inappropriate behaviour not a factor. Kids have comfort needs the average adult should not so are more manageable, treatment compliant and less work if secure and that often means an adult in the bed with them. Even if factoring in infection control, then all of this overrides. Equipment can be tricky but again in my experience if they are really sick they are too sick to compute if someone’s in the bed with them or not so this rarely happens and most acute environments you could not get in the bed with them due to access and emergency so not an issue. Of course if they are dying, it all becomes moot and remove everything possible and hop on in.

eminencegrise · 23/01/2020 14:12

Wow, guess those women who have no bloke who can stop with them just starve and get no care then.

I love how posters are pilling on to call the OP needy, immature and childish for wanting a cuddle...

He was kipping on the bed after finishing work.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 23/01/2020 14:34

Wow, guess those women who have no bloke who can stop with them just starve and get no care then. That's what happens I'm afraid. I was with a different partner for my first who wasn't there much so it stuck with me to take food, drink and pain relief. As I said breakfast was a no for me as I was physically unable to get it. I took food too second time round as they said they couldn't offer me anything due to me having coeliac disease Confused eldest is only 5! I was fine to shower along first time but second time I was so dizzy and struggled so dp helped me. Some women had their mums there or a friend.

virginpinkmartini · 23/01/2020 14:44

@Wateroffaduckscrack
I understand what you're saying. I was gutted when my partner had to go home not long after the birth of my son, because of visiting times. I was too weak to do anything, couldn't even get out of bed to feed my son and so had to wait what felt like a lifetime for nurses to come along after buzzing them, as well as the other women buzzing constantly. It was god awful. So I understand the benefit of having a helper.
But I don't think this is the answer. I don't want to sleep feet away from strange men. I just want the NHS to not be so overstretched so that we women are getting the appropriate aftercare. After all, your partner isn't going to be much use if you're having problems with your baby latching on.

memberofseven · 23/01/2020 14:45

I slept in the same bed as my just 2 year old when he had a tumour removed from his head. No one minded and it meant he went to sleep rather than cried all night. By the time he was 3 I would have sat in the bed with him but slept on the parental side bed. But your husband. Yuck. Whatever where you thinking.

stophuggingme · 23/01/2020 14:48

See the old chestnut about men being HCAs and midwives has started on here now.

ODFOD

stophuggingme · 23/01/2020 14:50

Your partner or your husband is a stranger to everyone but you on a ward.

I am so absolutely sick of the “but they aren’t abusive or inconsiderate they are just there to look after me and baby”

No they are literally not there to do that.
The staffing debate is a separate issue but it cannot and will not be covered or dealt with by Paul or Steve or whoever staying and tending to you

Lizzie030869 · 23/01/2020 15:12

I really don't understand why anyone, never mind someone who is in hospital, would want to have their partner sharing their hospital bed. I can't imagine anything worse, because I'd be horribly cramped. Sitting in the chair, holding my hand and talking about trivia, that's what I would really appreciate.

Blingismything · 23/01/2020 15:17

It's a hospital not a doss house, show some restraint and respect to others.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 23/01/2020 15:39

All these experts knowing that contamination control is a load of rubbish Hmm

Yet those working on wards tell you something different

Of course yabvu. Yes human contact helps to comfort people you can still do this without lying on the bed and it’s not a weird thing just in this country standards need to be kept in order to keep hospitals as safe as possible for patients

EverybodyLangClegTonight · 23/01/2020 15:39

theres possibly an insurance issue wrt non-patients sleeping in patients beds with them.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 23/01/2020 15:58

virginpinkmartini I don't think it's the answer either that's my point!

Booboostwo · 23/01/2020 16:36

HoppingPavlova you are just making things up:

The risk of an adult falling out of a hospital bed with guardrails is negligible. It's probably riskier to allow visitors into the hospital in the first place.

A quick google suggests that hospital beds are capable of supporting a maximum of 205 to 250kgs, depending on make, so again they could easily support most people even if there are two of them.

In case of routine and emergency care the visitor would get out of the bed just as he would move away from sitting by the bedside. Arguably the chair by the bedside would hamper your access more than a person who jumped out of the way.

The claim that only people who need equipment are seriously ill is too silly to discuss. Equally the visitor could disturb the equipment from the side of the bed while helping the patient eat, change clothes, get up, get back into bed etc.

Plenty of people cuddle and show affection in public spaces, if you find it disturbing rather than heartwarming you need therapy.

I doubt that stopping people from getting into bed would stop them having sex. If you are an arsehole who wants to have sex in a hospital you can do it anywhere, like for example the chair next to your sick kid. The hospital should deal with the arseholes as and when they appear but not by making general and ineffective rules.

PatellarTendonitis · 23/01/2020 16:49

He wasn't in there fucking cuddling, he's using her bed to have sleep in after work. A hospital is not the same public space as a park or a bench. It's incredibly obtuse to think otherwise. Completely inappropriate to have another adult sleeping in the adult patients bed (obviously dying people are an exception). Needy, clingy and ridiculous to claim it's a need to have another adult laying in your hospital bed bloody sleeping.

Biancadelrioisback · 23/01/2020 17:57

I remember being annoyed after having DS that a) DH couldn't stay b) when he did come back, they wouldn't let him have any toast and c) that he couldn't climb up on the bed and cuddle me.
That's the problem with hormones, they make you annoyed at the silliest of things. I knew that those things couldn't happen. I even understood why they couldn't happen. Was still annoyed cos I'm a selfish cow and I wanted those things to happen to make me feel better.

ffswhatnext · 23/01/2020 19:04

@Namechanger001 I see staff during their breaks outside the hospital having a cigarette. Consultants in the local store. Staff who visit different departments in different buildings that aren't connected.
I could go on. None change their clothes. I've also met my consultant on the tube and seen him later wearing the same clothes.

As a patient, I'm there every 3 or 4 weeks for at least a week, plus appointments in between. There's been a few times when a side-room has been under infection control and it hasn't spread. They even went glove free at one point and again, no infection spread.

However, the wards are cleaned in the morning whilst all beds changed and bed baths for those who needed them. Plus after meal times and visitor hours. And of course between patients. Thoroughcleans including rails, under beds, and where are the sockets etc are. Cleaning wipes also easily available for patients.

Visitors allowed to sit on the bed. Like I said, medical people sitting on the bed, patients sitting on each others beds.

Not saying the place was bug free, was a patient in the next bed who had mrsa. I was crapping myself as I'd had open surgery but remained free of it.

FenellaMaxwell · 23/01/2020 19:08

A delivery bed in hospital costs about £10k. Are you going to pay for it if the combined weight of pregnant woman plus partner breaks the mechanism?

WaterOffADucksCrack · 23/01/2020 19:08

Why would anyone be annoyed that their husband or any other non patient couldn't have toast in hospital?! I wouldn't expect any non patients to get fed, especially when many actual patients don't! That's outrageous!

MissMudskipper · 23/01/2020 19:38

For a child yes I can fully understand but your husband. That really is just weird what almost makes it worse is that it was a pretty room. How do you think it looks? Confused

Biancadelrioisback · 23/01/2020 19:52

@WaterOffADucksCrack
I mean, that was sort of my point...if you read my post, I was saying I was irrational and silly cos I was hormonal and just fucked after giving birth. The whole point was that I was thinking irrationally, the difference being that I at lease knew I was being irrational and had the good sense to give my head a wobble

HoppingPavlova · 23/01/2020 21:20

HoppingPavlova you are just making things up

No, worked in hospitals for nearly 3 decades and that’s what it is based on.

Yes, guardrails would fix the problem but people don’t put them up. How often have you seen guardrails up in this situation? Doesn’t happen.

Yes, you are correct re weights and bed but the average patient now is not slight, nor visitor. As a population we have become significantly heavier. I would estimate at least a third of couples would total over 200kg. You can’t have one rule for some and another for others based on weight.

I didn’t say only critical patients needed equipment or if it came across that way it was not what I was trying to convey. Lots of people will have standard stuff that’s no biggie but if patients are really ill then they don’t care about anything or someone being in bed with them. You don’t have swarms of people ventilated or on ecmo demanding to have people in bed to comfort them. Yeah, drips or prongs or whatnot, meh no issue.

As for their being no difference for access to a pt in a bed if someone else is sharing it vs chair, how many ICU’s have you worked in that allow this because there is no access issue!

Dieu · 23/01/2020 21:58

You are not a child, and YABU (hope you recover soon though! Smile)