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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just been treated to not one, but two

185 replies

Tyrozet · 22/01/2020 04:11

Unsolicited dick pics.

Sadly from DPs best friend. I messaged him to see how he's doing and somehow he thought this was appropriate. I thought he was joking when he said he was going to send one.

I've laughed it off and turned off notifications for his messages now. I don't know if I should tell DP or just leave it. He's having an awful time just now as it is, but I'd be really upset if I thought he was looking at pictures of another girl in a similar vein.

Also I want to delete the pictures but I don't want it to look like I was trying to be secretive if/when it comes out.

We see this friend once a year. He's older than DP and DP looks up to him somewhat.

Should I just delete/ignore?

OP posts:
1Wildheartsease · 22/01/2020 11:55

Am wondering how the friend will try to come back from this:

it was a joke
he was drunk
it wasn't him - a 'friend' had his phone

All sounds a bit' teen' - but he might try.

mummmy2017 · 22/01/2020 12:08

I always wondered why they send them, I can think of nothing sexy about it,

StormTreader · 22/01/2020 12:21

Its just the modern equivalent of flashing in a dirty raincoat at the park. Its not supposed to be sexy, its the power of knowing they can make you see it regardless of if you want to or not.

Original poster
Tyrozet · 22/01/2020 12:25

I had to message him - I mentioned upthread that I'm loaded with the cold so we're avoiding each other until I'm better. We can't risk him catching it and passing it on to his unwell parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tyrozet · 22/01/2020 12:26

And no, nothing sexy or attractive about any of it. I don't even share that sort of thing with my partner.

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AllideasAndNoAction · 22/01/2020 12:27

Did you message him in the early hours of the morning or was that just when he replied? It seems an odd time to be messaging your DPs mate and he may have taken it as a sign you are interested in him, especially if you do it often. Do you think he could have been very drunk?

Not that that excuses him at all, but maybe explains something if it was very out of character? You are right to tell your DP but I’d have kept ALL the conversation including the pics and told him in person, not via text. Deleting bits makes it seem you have something to hide.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 22/01/2020 12:29

Tell your DP. This man is a slimeball. DP and I have many mutual male friends, none of whom would dream of doing anything like that.

mencken · 22/01/2020 12:37

as someone else has said - this is flashing with tech. Or indecent exposure, which is an offence.

block and dump. You don't need this criminal anywhere near you. Not sure if cops can do anything but just get rid, guy is a sex offender.

WorryBadger · 22/01/2020 12:40

So...this so called 'friend' of your DP's has made a move on his mate's partner WHILE his mate is going through a really tough time??

He's better off without 'friends' like that.

Original poster
Tyrozet · 22/01/2020 12:40

AllIdeas He's on the other side of the world so it would have been during the day for him. I couldn't sleep and he'd left a comment on my facebook earlier so I replied via messenger saying hello.

I realise deleting the pictures may not have been wose but I didn't particularly want to have them stored on my phone and keep coming across them.

OP posts:
WorryBadger · 22/01/2020 12:41

I never minded a dick pic, back in the day. I don't think it's as weird or rare as some posters seem to think.

WorryBadger · 22/01/2020 12:42

Not saying "It's fine", by the way. I never minded solicited dick pics. THis is a whole different kettle of willies.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/01/2020 12:51

In hindsight OP you should have called.
Has he responded yet?

Newschapter · 22/01/2020 12:58

A friend of mine went shopping one day. She said she had lots of bags and as I knew her dh goes to the gym (a lot) I said it's a good job he's got the power to carry the bags! A simple comment which she replied to saying he was working hard on his body etc with an eye roll. We had a laugh.

I got up later that night to use the toilet and I had a PM on FB from her dh, a pic of him all buff, pulling down the front of his pants so I could see his well defined abs and muscles (not his dick).
He said 'chapter, thanks for the compliments, I am drunk and feeling brave but please delete this once you've saw it don't mention it to (his wife) or (my husband)...

I deleted it out of sheer shock!!

But told dh the next morning. He's not creepy or sly or anything, I do think he was so chuffed at how he has changed his body he wanted to share it.

I won't tell his wife, but I am not the type to tell anyone else he ever did this either.

I'd say he is more embarrassed than me.

Howdidido · 22/01/2020 13:08

I think you shouldn't have deleted. You should have shown your DP immediately. He may be having a tough time but imagine how shit he will feel if he thinks you're hiding this from him? Just tonight say look what X sent me and hand him the phone.
Tell him the deleted pics are dick pics and you have no idea what to do.

Howdidido · 22/01/2020 13:09

Sorry. Missed your last post. Very sensible though better in person if possible. Even video call might be better. Or put a mask on...

SilverySurfer · 22/01/2020 15:18

Definitely tell your DP. If he found out any other way he would be devastated, I'm sure.

I would send the cretin one message: Shock have you been to see the doctor about that? and then block.

Gemma2019 · 22/01/2020 19:28

Reply to him saying WTF have you sent me photos of a child's penis, you disgusting paedo

Original poster
Tyrozet · 22/01/2020 19:50

So I've had a message saying "sorry, think I went too far with those pictures last night"

I've replied "Yes, you did" and he said he has deleted them at his end. I've not replied.

All DP has said is "right" so not sure what he's thinking, but he's ok with me otherwise. I know how much this friend means to him so I don't want to push him, I think he'll need to let it sink in.

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crosspelican · 22/01/2020 20:57

I think right now there is nothing more you need to, or indeed can, do.

You don't need to engage any further with this man, and indeed you absolutely shouldn't, so you're ok on that front, and I think you are right of course not to push your DP. He has a lot on his plate and has to triage his emotions right now.

This man, on the other hand, has lost two friends as a result of his entitled vulgarity. No wonder he woke up this morning with a nagging feeling that yesterday hadn't gone perfectly right... Hmm

You're doing everything right. Try to put it out of your mind now.

YasssKween · 22/01/2020 20:59

Are you not pissed off your DP doesn't have anything to say about this? It's not your fault, or his fault, but I would expect him to have an adult conversation with you about it. Also it's horrible getting pictures like that unsolicited especially when they're from someone you know and may have to see again. Maybe your DP doesn't get how unsettling it is. His friend is gross. I wouldn't want to see the friend again and tbh I would feel let down if my DP hadn't checked how I felt about it and said how pissed off it had made him.

Original poster
Tyrozet · 22/01/2020 21:08

Thanks pelican. That was my thinking about DP as well. I don't want or need him to ride in on a white horse and defend me/ have a go at his friend and he has enough to deal with atm without adding this to the pile. He has asked if I'm ok but hasn't said anything more specific.

We're both having a rough and stressful time of it just now, as much as I'm angry and upset with his friend, there are more important things going on for us to deal with- I've been open with DP and it can take a back seat for now until we are better equipped to tackle it.

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PanickedMondays · 22/01/2020 22:46

It’s good you agreed with him tersely that he went too far.

Better for you to tell him he crossed a boundary than Dp do it on your behalf,

Because that actually perpetuates that women are men’s property: if a man is needed to defend ‘his’ woman by saying ‘back off’, where is that supposed to leave single women?

Fair enough he may well want to speak up on his own behalf as betrayed friend and that he does not expect friends to send abusive and obscene pics to his partner. But it’s good you told Dick he was out of order for yourself.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/01/2020 08:22

I'm not sure how him deleting them his end is supposed to reassure you or apologise to you though.

But your silence is dignified and you are definitely doing the right thing giving it no more headspace whilst you are stressed. His dick isn't going anywhere and can be dealt with when you have more time to think about how to proceed.

Original poster
Tyrozet · 23/01/2020 13:30

I'm not sure how him deleting them his end is supposed to reassure you or apologise to you though.

It was over facebook messenger so I think ge thought it would remove them for me too?

I haven't replied, don't plan to and DP is coming over to my house tonight so I'll see if he feels like talking about it.

Every time I think about it I feel angry.

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