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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin didn’t ask me to be bridesmaid

277 replies

Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 19:42

My cousin is basically my best friend and I’ve just found out - from other friends- that she’s asked them to be bridesmaids at her wedding but not me. Obviously it is her choice but I’m very upset that this is how I find out how little I mean to her! I asked her about it and she says she wants my son to be her page boy instead. It feels as though she only wants him because it suits her photos and I don’t really fit the mold. I realise it sounds petty but AIBU to tell her to find another page boy?

OP posts:
Makegoodchoices · 21/01/2020 23:56

One of my two best friends didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid, she chose two young relatives instead. I found it hurtfuI but didn’t find it insulting - we never discussed it as I assumed if she’d wanted me she’d have asked me.

She did want me to do all the bridesmaid duties though - helping pick readings, going to dress fittings for her, helping with hen do etc as they couldn’t/wouldn’t. I politely ducked out of the hen do organisation as that’s just too dreadful a job to expect a non bridesmaid to do it!

NaomifromMilshake · 22/01/2020 00:00

It is all terribly Jeremy Kyle.

Besidesthepoint · 22/01/2020 00:07

She might be your best friend but clearly you aren't hers. That doesn't mean that she still isn't your friend though. She asked you to her wedding so you clearly mean something to her OP. Best friends stuff is a bit school age if you ask me. It is ok to be friends. I hope you have a lovely day.

AlexaAmbidextra · 22/01/2020 00:35

FWIW OP YANBU in the slightest. She hasn’t chosen you for a particular reason that I feel you know (possibly weight/looks.....All she wants is for everyone to look ‘right’ and instaworthy.

Ouch. That may be the meanest thing I've ever read on MN, which is saying something.

It isn’t mean. It’s something that OP herself stated.

lovepickledlimes · 22/01/2020 01:00

Is it really not possible sge just wants to make your life easier? I had a similar situation when my cousin decided to best step back from bridemaid duties as both her kids are my flower girl and pageboy. Both are very young and not having had kids myself I did not realize how difficult it would be to manage two toddlers and be a bridesmaid. After she explained I apologized I ever put that kind of pressure on her. Could your cousin not be thinking the same?

1forAll74 · 22/01/2020 01:06

I would give the whole thing a miss, you are annoyed now, and you would be more annoyed at the actual wedding.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/01/2020 01:30

Oh imagine saying no he is not going to be page boy and then the wedding turns out to be no children barring bridal party and then you cant go at all OP.

Ughmaybenot · 22/01/2020 01:50

Oh god I do see why you’d be a bit sad but you’re being so unreasonable. I had my oldest friend and my two sisters as bridesmaids, and my nieces and nephews as flower girls and pageboys. I didn’t have either SIL (mothers of said nieces and nephews) as a bridesmaid nor did I have my other three closest friends because I had to draw the line somewhere. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them all to pieces, they mean the world to me, I just didn’t want armies of bridesmaids.

Astella22 · 22/01/2020 02:26

I don’t think you are BU at all. Being so close to someone and not being given the honor of being bridesmaid is insulting and I imagine hurtful. You are allowed to feel hurt and as such withdraw your friendship. I don’t think ur overreacting. What is it about wedding that drives people to act completely selfishly. The whole its MY DAY crap, it should be a celebration of their love and as such they should want people around them who love them, not some good photos afterwards.

whatwethinkiswhatwebecome · 22/01/2020 02:40

She doesn't see you as a best friend in the way you define 'best friend'.

I think this could be doing you a favour as you don't see each other in the same light.

She is putting her wishes first and you should do something else that puts you first. Not just about the wedding. You cannot make her do what you want and she cannot change your wishes. She has her wedding but you have your son so, do what you like too.

Find a friend that would treat you the way you wish to be treated. Smile

Casino218 · 22/01/2020 02:44

I can understand that you feel hurt. However kids really love these events and treasure them. I think you are potentially going to deprive him of a lovely memory by being sulky and jealous op.

dottiedodah · 22/01/2020 06:25

I was Bridesmaid to my BF .However I am quite short (5 feet 2) and she is quite tall (5 10) so it would have felt odd to have a BM taller than me ! She completely understood ,and I had 3 BM 2 children and another friend about the same height.

dottiedodah · 22/01/2020 06:27

In any case dont fall out .Go along and enjoy the day ,have fun seeing your DS and remember its only a day!

Bovneydazzlers · 22/01/2020 06:35

Sorry, I think your overreacting.
You’ve said there is a possibility that she’s done it to not offend other family members (if she asked you, she’d be excluding x and y...)
It’s hard to get it right as bride.
I hated being bridesmaid when I had young toddlers. It was a right pain not being able to get them ready in the morning as I was with bridal party, my little boy wanted to sit with me not his dad in the church, it’s just a faf.

You’re making too much of the faf of your little boy being in photos... he won’t be in that many, and most people would be proud of their little one being dressed up and shown off.

ColdWinterChild · 22/01/2020 07:13

I imagine this may show up in Wedding Shaming on FB. Shame on the op, not the bride

OverByYer · 22/01/2020 07:20

Her wedding. Maybe she had to limit how many bridesmaids she has based on cost and is thinking as a grown up you might be happier that your son shares the limelight and not you.
You are coming across as a bit childish

saraclara · 22/01/2020 07:37

I was Bridesmaid to my BF .However I am quite short (5 feet 2) and she is quite tall (5 10) so it would have felt odd to have a BM taller than me ! She completely understood ,and I had 3 BM 2 children and another friend about the same height.

I will never understand this sort of decision. Was your wedding all about the photos? Do you not walk or stand next to your friend in the normal scheme of things?

Your BF must be an exceptional person to accept you saying that. She deserves a better friend.

20CMB20 · 22/01/2020 08:22

It is all terribly Jeremy Kyle

Absolutely @NaomifromMilshake

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/01/2020 08:32

You should go to the wedding of your good friend and be gracious. My kids were page boy and flower girl at my sister's. The 3 year old was fine but the 18 month old ended up just sitting on his dad's knee. So I think you can reasonably say you don't fancy him being a page boy due to his age. Be careful you're not throwing your toys out of the pram though.

Scarydinosaurs · 22/01/2020 08:50

She’s your best friend, but you don’t think she is attached to your son?

She’s your best friend, but you believe she’d not ask you to be bridesmaid based on what you look like?

She’s your best friend, but you wouldn’t enjoy seeing your son be her page boy?

For a best friend, you don’t like her very much.

RandomUser3049 · 22/01/2020 09:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

EC22 · 22/01/2020 09:19

Surely you’re joking, too tall to be your bridesmaid?!?

Inherdefence · 22/01/2020 09:34

I am 5ft tall. Based on @dottiedodah ‘s criteria there are only about 3 people I know who would have qualified to be my bridesmaid. As it was I had my (taller) sister. In 30+ years of marriage it’s never occurred to me that it made the photos look odd.

I just checked the definition of bridesmaid. No mention of them having to be shorter than the bride!

mummypie17 · 22/01/2020 11:49

I think there may be a whole lot of reasons why she didn't ask you to be BM and they don't have to mean that she doesn't value you. I wanted 3 bridesmaids for my wedding so I chose the three girls who were within the same friendship group because it would be easier for them to coordinate and plan together. I had a dear friend who wasn't part of this particular friendship group and I asked her to do a reading at the ceremony. Likewise, my brother is getting married and we're super close. He wanted a Best Man and groomsmen not a Best Woman so I wasn't part of that but he asked my son to be his pageboy.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 22/01/2020 11:50

Bridezilla, well dodged

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