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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin didn’t ask me to be bridesmaid

277 replies

Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 19:42

My cousin is basically my best friend and I’ve just found out - from other friends- that she’s asked them to be bridesmaids at her wedding but not me. Obviously it is her choice but I’m very upset that this is how I find out how little I mean to her! I asked her about it and she says she wants my son to be her page boy instead. It feels as though she only wants him because it suits her photos and I don’t really fit the mold. I realise it sounds petty but AIBU to tell her to find another page boy?

OP posts:
R2G · 21/01/2020 22:54

Aww sorry you've been hurt. I didn't have my best friend as bridesmaid. I didn't realise at the time it hurt her feelings. I just picked a friend who I thought would enjoy it as she'd never been one. My other friend had a lot on at the time and she was uncomfortable with her weight and self conscious after an op. I just thought she wouldn't want all the mither of fittings and feeling conscious and wpild prefer to wear what she wanted and rest when she needed to. She prob thinks if you were bm who'd look after the little fella and also you are represented then and can squeeze more in as bridesmaid. My friend didn't ask me for 10 years I wish she had said, or I had thought, to tell her it was really nothing to do with our friendship x

measles64 · 21/01/2020 22:58

I do wonder if the family or groom said not on your nelly. OP you are either very young or very immature. You will have a better time as a guest than a bridesmaid and seeing your little one all dressed up is such a lovely thing, all eyes will be on them and they photograph better anyway than a lot of pink/grey/blue blobs in the long run.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/01/2020 23:00

I don’t get why you’re getting such a hard time of it. I’d be hurt too.

BMW6 · 21/01/2020 23:01

I am astonished that anyone would get so distressed by not being a BM.......maybe understandable if it was a toddler, but a grown human with a child of her own? Hmm

VestaTilley · 21/01/2020 23:01

YABU - brides can have whoever they want in their wedding party; there aren't rules about who you must have. Don't deny your DS the chance to be a page boy, that's just petty. It'll be nice for him and make him feel important. Just go and enjoy the wedding.

BackforGood · 21/01/2020 23:02

She’s insulted me and shown me I’m not that important to her

Confused No she hasn't. She hasn't insulted anyone. She has chosen the bridesmaid(s) she wants for her wedding, and you aren't one of them. Not being chosen to do something does not equate to being insulted. In truth though, the more you've posted, the more I'm beginning to understand why you might not have been first choice. You are coming across as being really immature.
MrsHuggett4MichaelCaine · 21/01/2020 23:03

I can see why you're hurt. I think it speaks volumes about how much she rates you as a friend. I would plan something else for the day with your son, send your apologies for you both not going, smile and wish her well and concentrate on a friendship that doesn't involve her.

Time to move on from this one. Incidentally when is this wedding?

Karenisbaren · 21/01/2020 23:05

Seriously why do people have to make someones big day about them? its not about you, its about her getting married to the person she loves.

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2020 23:05

Isn’t it fairly common practice though I know i was for my uncle’s wedding and others I have being to
Just looked at pippa Middletown’s and yep George and Charlotte no Kate.

TheMustressMhor · 21/01/2020 23:07

Well I would be hurt and I wouldn't go to the wedding either.

Sod her.

MrsHuggett4MichaelCaine · 21/01/2020 23:10
Smile
SunbeamsOverhead · 21/01/2020 23:12

I didn't ask my married cousin to be a bridesmaid as I just asked the younger girls in our family. She had a shit fit & made me ask her.
I honestly didn't think it would bother her! It didn't mean she wasn't important to me or that i didn't love her.

Honeyroar · 21/01/2020 23:15

I can understand why you’re hurt. She’s been a bit harsh in her explanation that you don’t fit the mould. I can also understand why you wouldn’t want your son to be pageboy. It would mean you had to spend your day with the wedding party helping him get dressed etc while feeling on the outside and it would hurt over again.

However you do sound rather bitter and you need to take a couple of days to let things calm down before you tackle this.

I’d say you think that your son won’t enjoy it and might be a handful, plus you’d rather enjoy watching the wedding than have to run around after him. But thank her for asking, say you were flattered she thought of him.

Re the bridesmaids issue, well that’s her choice. Suck it up and be dignified. Take a step back in future if you really feel the friendship won’t be the same, but really it’s a small thing and probably won’t matter in the future.

ddl1 · 21/01/2020 23:17

Well, now I've RTFT, and it does seem that she's given you the answer: that it's because she's asked your son instead. It does seem fairly common for couples to ask a child, if one is available, rather than a parent for such duties. I don't think women who are already mothers are very often asked to be bridesmaids tbh. In fact, when I was a child, bridesmaids were usually children IIRC; it's my impression that it's only in recent years that some couples have adult bridesmaids, and when they do, usually they choose single childless women. Certainly if you think that running after your son as page-boy would be more trouble than it's worth, you have every right to say no: an invitation is not an order. But I think that you are U to consider it as an insult, unless there's more to it than you're telling. Does your cousin have 'form' for being obsessed with other people's appearance and 'photogenicity' if that's a word, or is this something you're just assuming because you're disappointed?

TheMustressMhor · 21/01/2020 23:18
Mamboitaliano · 21/01/2020 23:18

I would 100% feel the same way as you. I'd be very very hurt. And I'd definitely not facilitate my cute child being in their photos. Fuck that.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 21/01/2020 23:21

How old are you 12?

SnoozyLou · 21/01/2020 23:26

Having your son as page boy seems a way to keep you in the bridal party without you officially being part of it. So that would suggest that she wants to keep you involved, but is worried about putting someone else's nose out of joint. From your point of view though, bearing in mind she hasn't had the good grace to tell you herself, I think that is shit.

If I didn't want to go then I wouldn't, particularly if your son isn't keen or is too young to understand what is going on anyway (I have a 2 year old and this would be my idea of hell - he's all flailing arms and thrashing legs just to get him dressed in the morning at the moment).

I suppose it depends whether you've been formally told the date yet. If not "oh no, I can't believe it's that week - we've got a holiday booked". I wouldn't say yes and be a no show though - that's low.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/01/2020 23:32

She was wrong to not talk to you about it before you heard from somebody else. That was bound to lead to hurt feelings. I hope you are wrong about her reason, but only she can know that for sure. If you are close friends, surely you can discuss this? I'm getting the sense that the main problem for you is the reason that you feel you have been left out. Obviously you don't want to say what that is (and if it's weight, you really shouldn't, this is totally the wrong place for it!). I wonder if this is as much about how you feel about this difference yourself?

I wouldn't have wanted my son to be a pageboy either as a toddler, it sounds hellish! So you wouldn't be at all unreasonable to say no to that on the grounds of his age.

BTW, I'm loving the sniffy comments about how bridesmaids should be unmarried etc. "Maid" would originally have meant "virgin", are they really suggesting that every bride should have to find an adult virgin, or even a group of them? Surely they would all have to share one, I don't think there are that many to go round?

SE13Mummy · 21/01/2020 23:33

I'm really close to one of my cousins and had her as my bridesmaid. When she got married, she had my DDs as bridesmaids/flower girls and didn't ask me.

You and I feel differently about what that says about our friendship/relationship with our cousins; whereas I was touched that she wanted to include my DDs, you're insulted that your DS has a special role but you feel you don't. It's good that you've been able to ask her why you weren't asked to be a bridesmaid and I'm sorry you were upset by her reasoning. Before you decide that your DS won't be a page boy, have a think about how you'll feel on her wedding day if neither you or DS has a role. How will you feel if relatives ask why you're not involved? If someone says they're surprised DS wasn't asked etc.? Her wedding day is about her and her partner. If you will be better able to celebrate their marriage by not letting your DS be a page boy, then that's the right decision for you. If that decision means you'll spend the day wishing you'd been involved as favourite cousin/mother of the page boy and will struggle to explain to everyone that yes, cousin did ask DS to be a page boy but that you didn't want him to, then maybe you need to make a different decision.

Highonpotandused · 21/01/2020 23:39

If you do agree, make sure she pays for his outfit if she wants him to wear something!

If you don’t want him to, just say you don’t think he will be well behaved enough and best to choose a more placid child.

SandyY2K · 21/01/2020 23:43

Why do ppl keep saying to ask the cousin? The OP has asked and her response is that she wants her son to be a pageboy. I would actually prefer to have the mother of the pageboy on the bridal party, so he'd feel settled and she could keep an eye on him.

I also think the OP knows if her cousin is emotionally attached to her DS...it's quite insulting to suggest she doesn't know this.

I know which family members are emotionally attached or connected to my children...why wouldn't I know this.

I'd decline the offer for your DS... he won't be bothered and he won't be missing a once in a lifetime opportunity...contrary to the inference from some pp.

SandyY2K · 21/01/2020 23:48

I am astonished that anyone would get so distressed by not being a BM.......maybe understandable if it was a toddler

This makes no sense really...a toddler wouldn't be fussed either way.

Whoops75 · 21/01/2020 23:49

I’ve refused to be a bridesmaid for my best friend because I was up to my eyes with kids at the time. Maybe she made the decision based on availability

Being a bridesmaid is more than standing in the church on the day.
Would you know the other bridesmaids well enough to pitch in with organizing the hen etc.
Would you have the time/ babysitting to give to the bride time for fittings etc

I know you’re hurt but were you100% the right person for the job?

Also I wouldn’t let Ds be a pageboy either!
Too much work fir you on the day.
I’d have no problem with you suiting yourself in the same way she did.

Try to be grown up about things OP
You seems a tad hysterical Confused

SnoozyLou · 21/01/2020 23:49

*If you do agree, make sure she pays for his outfit if she wants him to wear something!

If you don’t want him to, just say you don’t think he will be well behaved enough and best to choose a more placid child.*

This.

My friend had a child free wedding. I think that's fair enough, but by the same token, I think it's fine for you to say it's too much for your child. After all, it is you who will be running around after him all day. I didn't realise he was a toddler but I know my son would perform, and he's a kid, who can blame him? Nursery gave him a part in the Christmas play but they wanted him to sit still and he wasn't having it, so every time they tried he ended up crying and getting in a state. In his case, I don't think it would be fair on him, particularly not him, so I'd have no qualms in saying no. It just wouldn't be practical.

I'd leave her to it for a while. I'd be too worried about saying something I might come to regret at this point.