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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin didn’t ask me to be bridesmaid

277 replies

Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 19:42

My cousin is basically my best friend and I’ve just found out - from other friends- that she’s asked them to be bridesmaids at her wedding but not me. Obviously it is her choice but I’m very upset that this is how I find out how little I mean to her! I asked her about it and she says she wants my son to be her page boy instead. It feels as though she only wants him because it suits her photos and I don’t really fit the mold. I realise it sounds petty but AIBU to tell her to find another page boy?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 22/01/2020 12:12

You don't believe what she has told you and believe that because you don't 'fit the mold' you haven't been asked to be bridesmaid. Do you think she would care about that sort of thing? How photos look to others?

Durgasarrow · 22/01/2020 12:18

My sister didn't choose me as her bridesmaid. Being a bridesmaid is a lot of work and it isn't all that much fun, so I later realized I had dodged a bullet. It was much more fun to be a guest.

andyjusthangingaround · 22/01/2020 12:28

YANBU - very few occasions when I go against the voting majority! Hmm

I would be hurt! whatever look you may have or dont fit the mold I would feel hurt, just like you. And NO, I would not let my son be her perfect page boy.
I would not care about her feelings, her preference, her things - despite it being her big day! I would just feel hurt, that I was not good enough!

It hurts, and I get it. Try to step back and let it go for a while.
Once you calmed down (week or so - would be a month for me!) and can look at the issue from an open prospective, check with her WHY she does not want you as a bridesmaid but wants your little boy.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie highlighted a lot of reasons why she may made this decision. BUT! it does not mean you have to go ahead with it or agree to it. Do what is best for you -what leaves you make feel comfortable! (I sense that you have challenges with your look, so this wedding might just highlight it or makes it worse - please take care of yourself, nobody else will!) Flowers

ConkerGame · 22/01/2020 12:41

OP, I understand you’re hurt - it’s always difficult when we hope for a specific thing to happen and then it doesn’t. It’s fine to cry it out and feel upset for a bit.

But please let me be a voice of reason amongst the many drama llamas on this thread. Making decisions as a bride is really difficult as literally everyone has an opinion and their own hopes for the day and there is no way to please everyone. Many brides don’t want hundreds of bridesmaids but also have a lot of friends/family members etc so they have to draw the line somewhere. As you are so close, her reason for asking your son instead of you is VERY unlikely to be an insult or a dig. It is most likely that she was trying to think of ways to cut numbers but still keep people involved. So she might have another friend who hoped to be a bridesmaid but she’s asked her to do a reading or be a witness instead, and with you she’s asked your son to be a pageboy - effectively asking you to be “proud mother of the cute pageboy”. She probably thinks you’ll be pleased he’s been asked!

If you really are as close friends as you say, don’t you want her to have a stress-free, happy wedding? If so, please don’t go reading into this unnecessarily and please don’t act against her out of spite. If you do then you aren’t a true friend and she’s made the right decision not to ask you.

If you feel that your son isn’t old enough or able to cope with being a pageboy then it’s absolutely fine to say so and reject her offer on that basis. But please don’t reject it just out of anger that she hasn’t planned HER day exactly as YOU want her to - you’ve had your day now let her have hers and enjoy being a guest and have fun on the day Smile

MrsCollinssettled · 22/01/2020 12:43

The bride could have asked the OP to do a reading or act as a witness which wouldn't have impacted on the look of the wedding party whilst showing that the OP was a close friend.

I'd take a step back OP and go silent on the wedding. She's unlikely to need to get clothes organised for the pageboy at this stage so just let sleeping dogs lie. You may have changed your mind about DS when outfit needs to be sorted and if you still don't want him involved pulling out when outfits need to be bought isn't a huge deal. Plus if you've not had much contact in the meantime it's easier to say he's going through a phase and it's not a good idea to have him involved. As it appears to be a token gesture making him pageboy it won't be something she'll lose sleep over.

Bluntness100 · 22/01/2020 12:51

Gosh what an extreme reaction. I'd assume she's trying to keep everyone happy and thought you'd love your son to be page boy. Clearly not though. Confused

I also don't understand what makes you think it's about how you look. But I'd try to calm down and think logically, would she really be your friend, and uou hers if she found your appearance such an issue?

Bouledeneige · 22/01/2020 13:25

I can understand why you're upset.

But do you think it's because you are now a mother (and married?) or a bit older than her or the other bridesmaids? It is often an assumption that bridesmaids are only unmarried friends/family. I remember my eldest sister who was in her 30s and the mother of two being upset not being asked to be a bridesmaid for my other sister. I thought that was a bit silly given that I thought I was a bit old at 26 to be a bridesmaid and she was 34!

burnoutbabe · 22/01/2020 13:27

I;d also be hurt and asking my son to be in the event and not be would make it worse, as i'd have to hang around the bridal party but be on the outside as well. So rubbing nose in it more than just all of us being guests.

If he is a toddler, I'd just go with "thanks for thinking of him but he's a bit of a handful at present and can't be trusted to act well on the day, so best to keep him with me as as a guest".

MintCar · 22/01/2020 13:51

I haven't read all comments but could you check with her what is expected of him / you?
If she expects you to take him early before the ceremony so he can walk down the aisle with her etc just say you don't think that would work for you. Maybe it'll be too long a day. Maybe he won't walk nicely. Does he know any of the others in the bridal party? Who will look after him if you aren't bridesmaid to walk with him / sit at the front with him etc.

dottiedodah · 22/01/2020 13:54

Hands off is back .I did discuss with her first and she was fine about it .She also had a young baby to look after ,so maybe she felt it would have been hard work to do both? Anyway we are still good friends and another good friend got married and I wasnt picked ,didnt take it to heart !

myrtleWilson · 22/01/2020 13:59

There's not much you can say/do I would have thought dottie upon being told you're too tall to be a bridesmaid.
"Oh don't worry, I can crouch" Hmm

christmasathome · 22/01/2020 14:21

I was in a similar position but I didn't take it personally and my son was still pageboy. I was more upset that by the time the wedding came around the brides sister had, had a baby and so come the day my sons duties were minimal. He wasn't in any official photos accept for the family group and the whole guest group. But we are still close.

Mycatwontstopstaring · 22/01/2020 14:21

Ok Clouddy in that case that’s very hurtful and shallow of her. Up to you re page boy, I’d probably let him choose but if it upsets you then don’t let him do it. Your feelings matter and you shouldn’t have to pretend being kept out of photos because of your image is ok when clearly it’s not.

Just tell her your family want to be together on the day, and quietly find a new best friend because she is a rubbish one.

Urkiddingright · 22/01/2020 14:24

I didn’t even get invited to my cousin’s wedding so at least you weren’t completely excluded! It’s up to you re your son, I can understand why you’re upset but it might be a nice thing for him to do.

LovePoppy · 22/01/2020 14:27

It’d make me uncomfortable running around after him in the bridal party photos that I’m not in.

This is the issue how I see it. You would be fine letting him do it if you were in the party, but because you were not you feel too awkward and out of place and unwanted to allow your son to be in it.

Not asking you to be in the wedding party is not a personal insult. She didn’t ask lots of people. I bet they all don’t feel it as a personal slight

Take out if you want it to be a bridesmaid or not, would you have allowed your son to do it? Would you have allowed him to do it if you were a bridesmaid? What do you see is the difference?

Wexone · 22/01/2020 14:34

I understand that you are hurt and totally get why. I would be too. I would take some time out and then have a very calm chat with your cousin. Wouldnt have your son as a page boy (You won't get any peace nor be abale to enjoy the day) be prepared after your chat that your relationship may change
"If you’re old enough to be a mother then you’re too old to be a bridesmaid. Nothing more ridiculous than a grown woman in a girl like bridesmaid dress. It’s her choice and her wedding. It would be petty of you to refuse your son’s participation"
To everyone else saying this or similar though please explain these rules to me, i am getting married this year (Am also the eldest of my family, rest are married a few years) My sister is my Only bridesmaid, she is marrioed and has kids, is she not allowed to be my bridesmaid? Is it not the year 2020 we live in and we can do anything (to a limit) we want for our wedding ? No one has commented nor batted an eyelid when i say she is my bridesmaid?www.mumsnet.com/emo/te/9.gif.pagespeed.ce.TUei7x3YMQ.gif

showmewhatyougot · 22/01/2020 14:42

As others have said, just say he's at a difficult age and would be more effort then it's worth for him to be a page boy. Then step back.

neverknowunlessyoutry · 22/01/2020 15:47

Your cousin can choose how she likes her wedding but the way she let you find out your role through her 'friends' considering you see her as your best friend is not on. You had to go and ask her because she couldn't tell you as she has shallow reasons. She's not worth it OP.

Tell her friends your son's not coming and move on to find a good friend because she sounds tactless and shallow. If she comes running don't be so available.

SnoozyLou · 22/01/2020 17:04

I can understand that you feel hurt. However kids really love these events and treasure them. I think you are potentially going to deprive him of a lovely memory by being sulky and jealous op.

A toddler? What a load of baloney.

Mrspenfold123 · 22/01/2020 17:42

All these narcissists who make other people’s weddings about them...

Pritchyx · 22/01/2020 17:54

I know how you feel. My best friend dropped me from the role of bridesmaid and then revoked my invite to her wedding because I pulled her up on a “shouldn’t have kids if you can’t afford them” comment [at the time, I was struggling financially as was recently single with a 2 year old daughter]. She didn’t like the fact I’d vocalised how inappropriate her comment was. Now 4 years down the line, she regrets not having me at the wedding.

I’ve had to tell another friend that I can’t attend her 2021 wedding if she goes abroad because I simply cannot afford it and it’s my mums 50th on the same date as her wedding; my mum would also attend the wedding too if in the UK as me and my best friend have known each other 23yrs and our mums were best friends (her mum passed on). She hardly speaks to me now and I’m disappointed. Her and her fella earn 70k between them combined so they see me as being unreasonable because I don’t have 5k to splash on a weeks holiday for a wedding for me and my two daughters.

However, I wasn’t even invited to my cousins wedding... but then again, I haven’t seen him for years...

Tiffinity13 · 22/01/2020 17:58

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It happened to me when I was young, late teens/20s. My cousin did the same to me. We were best friends since we were children and when she got married she didn't have me, shocked the family, and chose one of her younger sister's friends. It happened with two of my other best friends too.
You don't happen to be better looking than her do you? Just saying.
Take it as a compliment that she doesn't want you in the photos as you'll outdo the bride. I would tell her my son wasn't available too.
All the best x

user1473878824 · 22/01/2020 18:02

If you’re this much hard work in real life I’m not surprised she doesn’t want you as a bridesmaid.

Dorosomethingbeautiful · 22/01/2020 18:15

@Cloudyyy I understand how you feel and I will feel the same way if someone I consider my best friend does not include me in their wedding. Most people on here will also feel hurt if it was them but people on Mumsnet like to pretend, how they react in real life is different from what they write here

EngiNerd · 22/01/2020 18:23

YANBU for your feelings but you're being petty and going to hurt your son in the process.

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