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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin didn’t ask me to be bridesmaid

277 replies

Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 19:42

My cousin is basically my best friend and I’ve just found out - from other friends- that she’s asked them to be bridesmaids at her wedding but not me. Obviously it is her choice but I’m very upset that this is how I find out how little I mean to her! I asked her about it and she says she wants my son to be her page boy instead. It feels as though she only wants him because it suits her photos and I don’t really fit the mold. I realise it sounds petty but AIBU to tell her to find another page boy?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 22/01/2020 18:52

I was Bridesmaid to my BF .However I am quite short (5 feet 2) and she is quite tall (5 10) so it would have felt odd to have a BM taller than me ! She completely understood ,and I had 3 BM 2 children and another friend about the same height.

This ^ must be one of the weirdest things I've read on here in a long while and I'm on here FAR too much and have read a LOT of things that I think are very odd indeed

How sad to think there are people that are so shallow that this would even cross their mind, let alone, actually say it out loud Shock

Nurgleturtle · 22/01/2020 19:14

has she got a maid of honour? maybe shes waiting to see you to ask you to be her moh? other than that its a bit shitty what shes done tbh but if you dont want your son in there dont your choice as its hers to not let you into her close wedding party

Chalkitup · 22/01/2020 19:18

YANBU!!!
so many snide comments on here. I think wanting to be bridesmaid for your best friend is totally understandable and reasonable. I don't think its immature in the slightest. I can understand totally, why you'd feel upset. I can't stand the saying "her wedding, not your choice etc etc" as if it just gives brides free reign to not give a shit about anyone's feelings.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 22/01/2020 19:25

I would be chuffed my little boy was asked to be paige boy. You have to step back and let your son shine.

JessieP1991 · 22/01/2020 19:25

I think people need to be honest in life my new motto I live by.
If she has upset you just ask her why she didn’t ask you.
I had this with my friend I had let her live with me in my parents home when she broke up with her boyfriend for 6 months and basically been there for her over every bad thing that had happened to her and obviously the good stuff. When she moved out she got lots of new friends and got engaged I found out she’d asked 6 girls and hadn’t asked me considering so I just asked. She was honest that she had forgot to ask me. Needles to say I thought that was pathetic answer and she did ask and I politely declined.
Just be honest and just ask I don’t think it’s a rude question to ask lol especially more so if your family.

SnoozyLou · 22/01/2020 19:57

I was Bridesmaid to my BF .However I am quite short (5 feet 2) and she is quite tall (5 10) so it would have felt odd to have a BM taller than me ! She completely understood ,and I had 3 BM 2 children and another friend about the same height.

I think that epitomises everything I hate about weddings.

You mean, she said she understood.

Retroflex · 22/01/2020 20:10

@dottiedodah "I was Bridesmaid to my BF .However I am quite short (5 feet 2) and she is quite tall (5 10) so it would have felt odd to have a BM taller than me ! She completely understood ,and I had 3 BM 2 children and another friend about the same height."

WOW! This hands down has to be the most ridiculous, bullsh*t excuse I've ever heard!

You didn't want you're alleged "best friend" as a bridesmaid, but this was not the reason! Was she slimmer and/or more attractive than you also by any chance?

You acted like a b*tch and for some bizarre reason, your friend has played along with your delusional idea of the "perfect" aesthetic... You are the queen of the CF's Crown HmmCrown Biscuit

Boysnme · 22/01/2020 20:21

OP everything else aside, attending a wedding with a toddler is a pain. Attending a wedding with a toddler who is in the wedding party and you have to get him to conform is an even bigger pain.

Politely decline the page boy request on the basis that he’s too young and continue your hurt on the bridesmaid front in silence while you decide what you do about the friendship. FWIW id be really upset too.

RubysRoo · 22/01/2020 22:14

Please don't withhold an opportunity from your son because you are upset. Let him enjoy the day! I understand you are hurt and yanbu for that, but just let him have his moment and move on!

Honeyroar · 22/01/2020 22:25

It’s hardly an opportunity being a pageboy. Most tiny little boys I’ve seen as pageboys have hated it!

Davespecifico · 22/01/2020 22:41

I think it’s reasonable that you would be hurt. I don’t think it’s worth having it out with her. She’s shown you where you stand, and she’s not suite the friend you thought she was.
I’d be polite and cool from now on. But don’t initiate much contact once the wedding is over.

SpangleSparkle · 23/01/2020 05:58

@Chalkitup i agree
You YANBU at all. You feel hurt I get that. With regards to your son, I know exactly how you are going to feel on the day being involved getting him ready with the rest of them whilst you are not involved directly it’s hurtful and you’ll have to be involved in all the goings on without being in them. I personally think you should decline his part if it makes no difference to him and try and enjoy as a guest and if you don’t even want to do that then don’t. This has obviously deeply upset you and I imagine will change the dynamic of the relationship going forward anyway.

chubbylover78 · 23/01/2020 06:42

I was in a similar situation when my brother got married. My brothers wife's 2 sisters were bridesmaids and I was never asked. Still hurts now knowing that my parents and my husband and I were his only family invited and I wasn't even considered to be a bridesmaid. We were given accommodation with my parents just the same asd the bride's family and our beds were given to the best man and his wife and kids without telling us, we're only found out by chance when my mum mentioned it.

Slumberlabd1 · 23/01/2020 08:33

YANBU to to upset. My so called best friend didn’t ask me either. Found out at her hen night that she had more than 7 BM and I was so hurt but it was her hen night I had to smile through it. Felt as though her other BMs rubbed it in my Face in it and my friend allowed it. I felt disrespected in so many ways. Needless to say I felt more for her then she did me. I was extremely hurt I did not go to the wedding and have not seen her since.

Sometimes people move on and you are the last to know. It is very hurtful especially when you never know the real reason why.

It is actually nice that your son has been asked to be a part of the day. See how you feel after a couple of days of the news sinking in.

Changeembrace · 23/01/2020 08:35

I was Bridesmaid to my BF .However I am quite short (5 feet 2) and she is quite tall (5 10) so it would have felt odd to have a BM taller than me ! She completely understood ,and I had 3 BM 2 children and another friend about the same height.

You absolute fruit loop!

Changeembrace · 23/01/2020 08:37

* My cousin is basically my best friend*

Your opening line. She’s your best friend. You are not hers.

Aridane · 23/01/2020 08:53

Just go and have a good time. It's not about you

Well, it sort of is - ie about the status of their friendship

CasanovaFrankenstein · 23/01/2020 08:57

If think you've had some unpleasant responses here OP. It's fine to feel hurt - there are plenty of women who have bridesmaids who are not unmarried/virgins/below a height restriction.

Only your cousin will know why she has made that decision and it could be based on a mix of different reasons and influences, traditions, family, or yes, photos.

Can you have a real life chat with a friend or family member you can trust to give you an honest/accurate take on it.

No-one here knows all the background or personalities, traditions of your family so there's lots of speculation including lots of good ideas about non-hurtful reasons why you might not have been chosen. Don't assume it's for a hurtful reason especially if it's something you are sensitive about. You might be making an unfair assumption.

It's ok to feel hurt though!

WorryBadger · 23/01/2020 09:28

Personally, anyone who chooses who is in the wedding party based on how it will look in the photos doesn't deserve actual friends.

cakewench · 23/01/2020 10:18

YANBU. As has been mentioned, you having to corral your son for his page boy activities is actual work and he isn't even interested in doing it. She wants your adorable child there for pictures but isn't interested in having you standing up with her on her wedding day.

A person who honestly loved you and considered you to be a best friend whose feelings she values would have approached this with you while she was making plans. "I'd love you to be a BM but I'd also like x as page boy, are you able to handle both?" or whatever.

Page boys are hardly essential so tbh I feel as if she's come up with the idea of him doing this so as to distract from her leaving you out of the wedding party in favour of her more instagram friendly friends.

Now that I've said all that, I should add: while I totally agree with you that it would be much nicer to just attend the wedding at this point rather than have your DS as page boy, I'd caution you about how your family will all take this. Have you already agreed to it?

Elphame · 23/01/2020 11:04

Maybe she's being traditional and wants unmarried bridesmaids? I wasn't a bridesmaid for my brother's wedding (he married after me) and didn't expect to be. Instead my son was a page boy.

Are any of the other bridesmaids single?

Holidaywindowshopperaddict · 23/01/2020 12:00

Using your son as spite in your problems is not the way to go. Your child is not a pawn to be used
Go to the wedding act like nothing has happened and from now you know that she's not your 'best friend'.
Move on and invest in time in your other friends.

ToftyAC · 23/01/2020 13:58

YANBU to feel upset, as they’re your feelings. But I understand your point about not wanting to run around after a toddler at a wedding... total nightmare when you’ve got to keep them in line for photos, etc. Personally, being a BM is a shit job. I’ve hated it every time. And I suppose your cousin thinks your job (instead of being by her side) is keeping your DS in line for her photos - which is just as shit as being a BM. God I hate weddings....

FelicisNox · 23/01/2020 18:31

The bottom line here is that you know her better than us so if you think her choice is based on looks and photo ops then you are probably right.

YANBU to be upset, she has treated you poorly so now you have a choice to make: go along with it all or tell her how hurt you are and as such it's not appropriate to ask your son to be page boy when she has sidelined you.

Yes, it is her wedding and it's her choice who she has as bridesmaids but she is not free from the consequences of that choice. Your behaviour is not petty and mean and she is being a very poor friend/cousin to you.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 24/01/2020 07:56

I just skimread this to check you weren't the cousin in this thread I saw on Twitter. twitter.com/AITA_reddit/status/1220447937974755351?s=20

Who knows how true it is - it comes from Reddit, something called Am I The Asshole? which looks like an AIBU equivalent. The gist is an American woman who has been planning her wedding since she was 12 has fixed on a peacock theme and has instructed all guests to wear shades of blue and green. She considers blonde and brown hair to be neutral so no one with that colour of hair is problematic (by a fortunate coincidence this includes her own hair Hmm). However, her cousin was going to be chief bridesmaid but naturally has hair like Merida - bright red, long, curly. The bride feels this will ruin the theme and says she asked her cousin to dye her hair, cut it or wear a wig. Cousin has refused to do any of these things and is no longer a bridesmaid. Huge family row going on. At one point someone asks what the groom thinks and she makes it plain he has had no say in any of it. Batshit. Marriage will be lucky to make it till Christmas.

However, that's not you, OP, so as you were!