Cousin didn’t ask me to be bridesmaid

[Cloudyyy]

My cousin is basically my best friend and I’ve just found out - from other friends- that she’s asked them to be bridesmaids at her wedding but not me. Obviously it is her choice but I’m very upset that this is how I find out how little I mean to her! I asked her about it and she says she wants my son to be her page boy instead. It feels as though she only wants him because it suits her photos and I don’t really fit the mold. I realise it sounds petty but AIBU to tell her to find another page boy?

I do understand why you'd decline your DS to be page boy if he's a toddler. Unfortunately because you've not brushed off the non-bridesmaid situation, it could look stroppy. I would therefore stick a smile on and ask more detailed questions about the page boy role, then use that as your basis for declining, if you want to do so.

Yanbu. Your son being a pageboy has nothing to do with you not being a bridesmaid. Plenty of people I know have had their own child (me included) as part of the bridal party with them whilst being a bridesmaid . It's easier if you're all part of it together rather then separate. There's another reason, not necessarily a spiteful one but sounds like she's trying to spare your feelings.

Maybe she doesn’t want married people or people with children? Being a bridesmaid is a huge responsibility and much more easier to focus on the bride and the bridesmaids duties if you are single/not married etc. Traditionally bridesmaids were not married and in some circles - i.e the royal wedding this is still the norm - that they are ‘maids’.
Maybe she though let she was doing you a favour by not making you bridesmaid on top of the responsibility you would already have as the mother of the page boy. Maybe it wasn’t that deep and she chose a few people and realised she couldn’t ah e everyone she wanted.

Yabvu. And petulant.

@Cloudyyy yanbu to feel hurt by this emotional betrayal but as others have said you do not get to choose it's her wedding, you are going to look very sour by refusing your son being apart of the wedding infact a dick, you sound like you are envious of your son getting his part in the wedding? Why cut your nose of to spite your face when the only person you are going to hurt is your son. Calm down maybes punch a pillow a few times whatever and tomorrow you will feel calmer do not be spiteful because that is how you are coming across sorry.

It's her wedding, nothing to do with what you want. You have the choice about your son - so just decide. It's a lot of fuss over nothing really.

What a lot of drama over nothing.

Why would any adult woman - especially one with children - be giving this any head-space at all?

I really would move on and just enjoy your friendship with your cousin.

My son wouldn’t be hurt - he wouldn’t care less either way. Some people seem to think it’s a summons then? If someone wants your child in their wedding you absolutely can’t say no? Interesting

OP, you did refer to some suggestion of a discriminatory reason.

Do you think she would be capable of that? As your friend and cousin?

Are all the other bridesmaids unmarried? (that would be a very picky approach to Tradition)

Talk to her.

It’s ok to let her know you feel hurt and sad.

Not OK to do anything on a tit for tat or passive aggressive basis.

Would there be any way she just hasn't asked you yet, maybe she is going to ask you to be her chief bridesmaid (maid of honor) and she is going to ask you in some special way?

Do you want to lose your friend/cousin over your attitude.
Can you see life not talking?
Is this what you intend to happen if you don't get your own way?

Your attitude is appalling

I certainly don't think it's a summons, OP. I can't be doing with weddings, as it happens, and got married with two witnesses.

However... I am all in favour of people getting on with one another. If you like your cousin, why stress over this? For people who like weddings, it should be a happy event all round. If you like your cousin, and she wants your son to be a page boy, and you think he'll not cause a riot - then why not? Why can't everyone just be okay and not turn everything into a big emotional drama?

@mummmy2017 what do you mean “if” I do t get my own way? It’s already happened. I’m very upset but that’s the reality of her decision, I’m allowed to feel hurt. I will
Obviously be taking a step back from her after this because it’s clear we aren’t as close as I thought. That’s my prerogative as well. A friendship is a two-way relationship and either of us can back out if we want to. If I don’t want my son to be pageboy, there’s no reason why it should make or break her wedding, that’s dramatic too! It’s just a hassle for me....and a hassle I can’t be bothered with if she can’t be bothered with me.

Are you quite fat, OP, or a different skin colour from all the others?

You are bring very immature. Your cousin chooses her bridesmaids, it's her big day.
Yes you are allowed to be disappointed, but you dont let her know that. If you feel your son is too young , then fair enough decline. You go to the wedding and smile and have a good time.
But I think from your answers on here you wont be able to manage that. I feel sorry for your cousin to be honest.

I'd be upset if I were in your position OP.

I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid for my closest friend because of my having a toddler to wrangle. It virtually went without saying. I'd have understood even if she'd chosen to have a child free wedding but she didn't go that far. I think there's a group think amongst a lot of people that once you're a mum of one or more your bridesmaid days are over. Mine were and I was glad. I'd done it 9 times. Enough.

Your coming over on this thread that your thinking of a way to withdraw from the wedding because your not a bridesmaid.
To punish your cousin.

Urg, I hate the thought of boys being page boys and I wouldn't let mine either, regardless of the rest of the circumstances. The clothes they wear are uncomfortable and it's not fair to make young children stand around for photos, nor their parents to run around after them, there's so much extra pressure on you and your little one and it spoils your day. When they're old enough to avoid all this then imo boys just look silly dressed in page boy outfits so I wouldn't want to inflict this on them then either.
So yeah, YANBU. Make up an excuse that isn't related to your resentment of her and have a nice day at the wedding with your little one. Catch up with family, socialise, let your hair down and feel relieved that there's no pressure on you to run around after other people!!!

If I don’t want my son to be pageboy, there’s no reason why it should make or break her wedding, that’s dramatic too! It’s just a hassle for me....and a hassle I can’t be bothered with if she can’t be bothered with me.

I'd feel the same way. If that's petty, then OK. The cousin didn't even tell OP herself.

I'd be upset of my best friend didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid and told me my son could be a page boy instead.

Weird.

OP I understand how you feel and YANBU. It happened to me and the people saying YABU have not experienced this In real life.It’s a sad and painful experience.

I too would not like my DS to be part of the bridal party, I would tell her this though.

The experience forever changed My relationship with this person and I’ve just never trusted her. Good luck but I’d be cold shouldered unintentionally.

@mummmy2017 It’s nothing to do with punishing anyone, it’s to do with stepping back from someone who’s hurt me. I’ve not done anything at all to “punish” her and I’m considering going quietly, not ruining her day. She’s not emotionally attached to my boy, she just wants him in her photos.