Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin didn’t ask me to be bridesmaid

277 replies

Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 19:42

My cousin is basically my best friend and I’ve just found out - from other friends- that she’s asked them to be bridesmaids at her wedding but not me. Obviously it is her choice but I’m very upset that this is how I find out how little I mean to her! I asked her about it and she says she wants my son to be her page boy instead. It feels as though she only wants him because it suits her photos and I don’t really fit the mold. I realise it sounds petty but AIBU to tell her to find another page boy?

OP posts:
Wineislifex · 21/01/2020 20:21

If you’re so close just ask her! She might think you wouldn’t want to be a bridesmaid so hasn’t asked you so not to make you feel uncomfortable and forced to say yes and therefore may have asked your son to be involved as your representative?

Amortentia · 21/01/2020 20:22

She can chose whom ever she wants but I think you’re entitled to be upset. I had a similar thing happen when my own sister didn’t pick me to be Bridesmaid, that stung for quite some time.

Fanniesyeraunt · 21/01/2020 20:23

If you are genuinely best friends (and that’s not just the relationship in your own head and not hers!) then yes, of course she’s a cow for not asking you.
It’s not just about being bridesmaid is it? It’s about asking the women who are closest to you to help you with the planning and excitement that goes with a wedding.
I suspect you are right it’s about your looks if they are all slim and you’re a bigger lady. Does she post everything on Instagram and want it all to look “perfect? “
I only had my sister as BM because I have five close friends I grew up with but I felt having that many would be chaos (and costly) so I didn’t have any of them. I wouldn’t have left anyone out.
Yes she can have whoever the hell she wants as bridesmaid, but to leave out her best friend is obviously going to affect the relationship.

Mummymummums · 21/01/2020 20:23

I do understand why you're upset OP. Unfortunately it shows you're not as important to her as she is to you, which would be upsetting to most people.
As to whether your son is pageboy - depends how old he is and if he'll enjoy it. I'd base my decision on whether he'd enjoy it or not.
Make sure she doesn't try to suck you into helping with planning - not your circus if you're not in the bridal party. And take a step back which it sounds like you will as she's not as invested as you. She could easily add one bridesmaid if she wanted but she doesn't want to.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/01/2020 20:23

If you are really close and it was because you didnt suit her wedding pics then I would feel very hurt but also I would lose respect for her for putting aesthetics over true friendship.

But you're just assuming that's the reason. Are you married and did you have her as bridesmaids? There could be a lot of reasons she didnt ask you such as -

She is traditional and wants single girls
She had a pact with friends from when she was young
She has been bridesmaid or promised to be bridesmaids for the other ones and feels she has to return the favour
She is on a budget and had to pull names out of a hat to limit numbers
She thought that with a young child and whatever else you've got on in your life (busy, health worries etc) that you'd prefer not to have the stress and responsibility
They demanded to be (this happened to me, I wasn't actually going to have any at all as it was a very low key wedding but they put me on the spot so I just said ok)
If she wanted your son as a page boy then you are by default included in the preparation maybe she thought bridesmaid on top would be too much of an ask

None of the other reasons are a personal slight against you. It would be such a shame if a title for a day and a shiny (most likely) unflattering dress and a misunderstanding spoiled your friendship forever.

How old is your son? If you dont feel it's appropriate he is a page boy then you could always say (if he is little) you think he would be overwhelmed and play up, or if he is older that he doesnt want to or hates having his photo taken or hates being thr centre of attention or something. But personally, I am closest to young kids when I really like their parents. I think most people think like this so I would take it as a compliment as to how she feels about you. Most people wouldn't like the child of someone they weren't bothered about in the pictures even if they were a child model.

Original poster
Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 20:24

I have asked her! She said it’s because of him being page boy. I don’t want him to be page boy but that seems to be unpopular on here. That’s how I feel but I think maybe I should calm down and see how I feel tomorrow... I’m just upset.

OP posts:
sessell · 21/01/2020 20:24

YABU. This could be a lovely memory for your son. Maybe she assumes that as a parent you wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid. I know I wouldn't and would have felt happier that my child had a role. The hint is in the name 'maid'. parents or married women are usually called matron of honour. I don't think this view is unusual. I've been to several weddings recently and all the bridesmaids have been young, unmarried, non-parents. As a parent don't you want to put your child's happiness and memories before your own?

Throwaway2020 · 21/01/2020 20:24

Are you seriously jealous of a child?
Does school not teach inferential comprehension these days?

GreenBasket · 21/01/2020 20:25

You're literally saying "well if I can't be a bridesmaid then my son can't be a pageboy".

lyralalala · 21/01/2020 20:25

I think you need to calm down and think logically before you respond.

If you are family then there can be a world of politics involved in wedding parties. Does she have sisters? What about other cousins?

Which friends has she asked? Is she closer to them than you?

Asking your son to be page boy isn't an insult remotely. Do you have other children? If you'd been bridesmaid who'd have looked after your DS?

lollybee1 · 21/01/2020 20:26

I think you are being ridiculous. Not being a bridesmaid is really not that big a deal and stopping your son being page boy is just petty and stroppy. Could this be why she doesn't want you as bridesmaid. Are you prone to this kind of behaviour?

Kwkwjwkek · 21/01/2020 20:27

I would be very hurt and angry too. Don’t know why people think you’re being unreasonable. Have u told her that you’re upset?

GreenBasket · 21/01/2020 20:27

If the son was a daughter being asked to be bridesmaid in lieu of OP would PPs empathising have the same response?!?

NotYourHun · 21/01/2020 20:28

Does she have other cousins? I would have had my cousin as a bridesmaid but I have four other female cousins and would have felt obliged to ask them all, which I didn’t want.

Original poster
Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 20:29

Thanks everyone! @OoohTheStatsDontLie very good advice, much appreciated!

OP posts:
GreenBasket · 21/01/2020 20:30

You're also risking the "oh I thought OP's son was going to be pageboy?".
"Oh no, she wasn't asked to be bridesmaid so she threw a big strop and wouldn't let him do it.'.

OllyBJolly · 21/01/2020 20:30

Wanting your son as page boy is a good reason not to have you as bridesmaid. Surely you'll be too busy looking after him, getting him ready etc that you won't be available for bridesmaid duties?

You're being ridiculous.

mummmy2017 · 21/01/2020 20:30

So what your saying is your wants count for more than the bride.
If you care as much for her as you say, you can be upset, but you would not show it so she can have the wedding she wants.
As your son, if he wants to be a page boy and go from there.

TatianaLarina · 21/01/2020 20:32

I didn’t ask my sisters to be my bridesmaids because they’re already my sisters.

When you say you don’t fit the ‘mould’ - are very tall/small, overweight or a different racial mix or something? If so are you sure that’s the reason and not that you’re already very close?

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/01/2020 20:33

But you do want a say @Cloudyyy, you want to be a bridesmaid.

Scatterlit · 21/01/2020 20:33

I got married in jeans on my lunch break, but I know weddings, and particularly bridesmaid choice, can be a minefield. She probably thinks that by including your son she’s implicitly including you, and thus freeing up a bridesmaid slot for another friend/relative who also expects to be included. Surely, if you are extremely close, you don’t think she’s shallow enough not to have you as a bridesmaid because you’re visibly different (disabled, very tattooed, scarred)?

Original poster
Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 20:34

@GreenBasket I don’t knwo why you think I should allow him to be page boy if I don’t want him to be. He’s far to little to know either way and wouldn’t care less. It’d make me uncomfortable running around after him in the bridal party photos that I’m not in. At that point when the photos are being taken, I’d rather just be with all the other guests not fawning over my son tying to get him to smile for her. She’s insulted me and shown me I’m not that important to her so I don’t see why I should bother. You can think that’s petty - I opted because I wanted a number of different opinions so I can gauge how others would feel. Thanks for your thoughts but maybe stop with the insults?

OP posts:
Jezebel101 · 21/01/2020 20:34

This is one of the reasons I never wanted a 'wedding'. I got married in a courtroom in the US, just the two of us. A few months later we told people and had a party. No pressure, no politics, no angst over a dress I'll wear once or whether vegetarians will be offended at a goats cheese tart.

It's her wedding but if she's choosing bridesmaids etc based on how they'll look in the photos, she's not much of a friend to you and her 'day' is all about the aesthetics rather than the love.

I know someone who refused a particular makeup artist (who was offering to work for free as a wedding gift), because she didn't want someone with a tattoo on her arm in her 'getting ready' photos.

Let your son be pageboy, be friends with and to your cousin, don't let this hurtful action hurt you more than it already has.

Scatterlit · 21/01/2020 20:35

You seem very certain it’s an ‘insult’, OP.

Casualbride · 21/01/2020 20:35

I agree that you only ask your very closest friends or families children to be in your wedding party. And bring a bridesmaid is a ball ache. So not really understanding the negative reaction you’re having or the need to turn it into a power play by saying no to your sons involvement.