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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin didn’t ask me to be bridesmaid

277 replies

Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 19:42

My cousin is basically my best friend and I’ve just found out - from other friends- that she’s asked them to be bridesmaids at her wedding but not me. Obviously it is her choice but I’m very upset that this is how I find out how little I mean to her! I asked her about it and she says she wants my son to be her page boy instead. It feels as though she only wants him because it suits her photos and I don’t really fit the mold. I realise it sounds petty but AIBU to tell her to find another page boy?

OP posts:
Wineislifex · 21/01/2020 21:12

You’re making yourself sound worse and more bitter each time you post, it’s not about you, her wedding her choice, ask her straight up why you’ve not been asked to be a bridesmaid instead of assuming then take it on the chin like a grown up

Original poster
Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 21:14

@Wineislifex I’ve already asked her.

OP posts:
fairynick · 21/01/2020 21:14

Maybe she had a number of say 3 bridesmaids that she wanted/could afford. But thought of 4 people. Because you’ve got the little one maybe she thought I’ll make the other three bridesmaids and your son pageboy so then it’s like she’s included everyone. That would be along my line of thinking.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/01/2020 21:15

Handsoff

That would have provided accurate context to what I meant?

I was cutting for brevity. I don't think that changes the effect- and the original comment is just above, if I'm wrong. I very much enjoyed your comment, although perhaps not in the way you intended.

It shouldn’t matter to OPs cousin what OP looks like (if indeed that is the issue), but unfortunately not everyone is that nice.

I don't think we have any evidence that OP's cousin is mean. All we know is that OP is upset and insecure about how much she is liked.

FFSFFSFFS · 21/01/2020 21:16

Sure her wedding her choice - but its also your choice about the type of relationship you want to have with her - which includes the relationship with your son.

Your friendship will never be the same again and you can redraw your boundaries. Which includes not spending the wedding day around a bridal party that doesn't include you. Fuck that for a joke.

angelsnapper · 21/01/2020 21:18

I completely understand why you are feeling hurt. Also if you wanted to relax and enjoy the wedding since you aren't part of the bridal party that would be difficult when you are forced into taking your young child for photos. A polite way out would be to say he's too young and you would like to come to the wedding and enjoy the day without running after your toddler.

mummmy2017 · 21/01/2020 21:18

The just tell her your looking forward to seeing her married but your DS is too young to be a pageboy.
Don't cut your ties, once married she will be more intune to you and your life, once she has children you will find her friends are seen less.

Original poster
Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 21:18

Thanks everyone, lots of food for thought. I will think it through! Grin

OP posts:
Valanice1989 · 21/01/2020 21:19

I sometimes feel like MN is a parallel universe. I thought that once you have children who are old enough to be part of a bridal party, the default is for them to be asked in place of you? And even if it isn't, I still can't understand the sense of entitlement that some people have when it comes to other people's weddings. No one owes anyone else the role of bridesmaid, page boy, flower girl, etc.

Wineislifex · 21/01/2020 21:19

@Cloudyyy but you don’t believe her as you said you think it’s because you look different to the other bridesmaids?

Tartyflette · 21/01/2020 21:21

Yes, she'd rather have you running around keeping your DS in order and looking photogenic than as a bridesmaid -- it sounds a complete pain in the arse yet you won't really be in the wedding party at all.
You will be expected to take him off after the photos and keep him well behaved for the meal etc.
Decline the page boy invitation and just go as a guest, it will be more enjoyable for you and probably your DS too.

FernBritanica · 21/01/2020 21:21

I don't blame you for being pissed off OP. The woman I had previously considered to be my "best friend" didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. I didn't say anything to her, just went along to the wedding and smiled and bitched copiously but quietly to dp about the cost of flights and accommodation

If your son is a page boy would you be expected to pay for his outfit?

RandomUser3049 · 21/01/2020 21:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TitianaTitsling · 21/01/2020 21:26

Do you plan to sit quietly OP or will it be an obvious 'look at me, I'm sitting quietly huff'?

AllergicToAMop · 21/01/2020 21:29

Ah. I see future now...🔮
The pissed off bride asking photographer to make sure that woman with a face like a slapped arse isn't in pictures...

You are being ridiculous.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/01/2020 21:29

I sometimes feel like MN is a parallel universe.... I still can't understand the sense of entitlement that some people have when it comes to other people's weddings.

Shhhh. You can't say things like that, you'll get noticed by Them. Tell the OP to go NC with her cousin and complain that you are on hold to 101 because someone knocked on the door after 7pm.

Snowpatrolling · 21/01/2020 21:32

I get you,
I had a “best friend” (note the word had!)
I wasn’t asked to be her bridesmaid, she had her sister, her bestest friend and some woman she’d known for 1 year. We had known each other going on 10 years.
I didn’t say anything, well I did say I’d like to be involved in some way, whether that was helping or coming to a dress fitting, and she threw a paddy about being pressurised.
Well at the hen party the friend of 1 year let slip that I wasn’t asked as I was to fat for the dress she wanted! That hurt like fucking hell I tell thee.
Before all that friend was bitching about the 1 year friend and moaning to me about her.
I went to the wedding, had a shit time, didn’t really want to be there. The relationship changed after that and I let her know what 1 year friend said. Told her I was hurt enough about not being asked but then to find out the reason!
Haven’t spoken to her in a few years. Don’t need people like that in my life.
And no I wouldn’t want my kids being flower girls, I’d rather go and enjoy wedding as guest.

Drabarni · 21/01/2020 21:33

Hen Party? Sometimes this is as important as the wedding. I have no reason why, but they can be a ceremony of their own Grin
Maybe she thinks you couldn't join in readily as you have ds.

saraclara · 21/01/2020 21:33

I understand that you're disappointed, OP. But it seems like how about to destroy your friendship and your family relationships due to your bitterness, and I think that's a really bad idea.

Other posters have already given ideas of what her reasoning might be. Yet you're determined to think the worst of her and make it personal.

I think that if you carry on with this attitude you're going to lead to a family split (don't tell me you're not going to try to get other family members on your side) and I think that you'll regret it in years ahead. You both have your whole lives and your children's lives ahead. Don't destroy your family over a perceived slight.

Stephminx · 21/01/2020 21:34

I agree with the majority - YABU.

I know you say you’ve asked your cousin - but have you had a proper (calm) chat about it or was it an off the cuff question and she’s just quickly replied.

There could be many genuine reasons she’s not asked you - it might be cost related, space restrictions (small church which might look odd with loads of bridesmaids), she might be going the traditional route and if you are married and have a child then you wouldn’t qualify, or it might be she’s including you by way of your son. I’d also question why, if she’s your closest friend, she doesn’t have any relationship with your son. Seems odd to have kept them separate.

I know you disagree that it’s nice, but I’d rather my daughter was a flower girl than me have to be a BM. She’d look so cute, I’d have lovely photos of her dressed up etc... I have some fab shots of me as a kid and I was spoiled rotten by other guests all day when I was a flower girl. I loved it and I was only 4 ish.

While you’ve not gone into whatever you think the reason is that you’ve not been asked, you seem pretty certain it’s not the reason she’s given. You clearly have a low opinion of both yourself and your friend if you think she’s not asked you for some vacuous, superficial reason. I’d doubt you’re that close if that’s the case. Why would you think the worst of your closest friend ?

I’m in two minds what I’d recommend you do. I think ultimately, it’s her wedding and her choice. People love to get offended over weddings. But you’ve had your wedding and you made choices you were happy with - so let her do the same.

Why would you make her feel bad or awkward about her choice, particularly if you’re such good friends ?

My other thought would be to have a grown up, calm conversation with her about it. However, I suspect she’ll then fall out with you for making her feel awful about her choice, thinking the worst of her etc... I can’t see it would end well.

I would just shut up about the BM issue.

Either accept the offer for your son, or if not politely decline the page boy request (just saying he’s too young / unreliable that the minute and you’d be worried about him not enjoying it).

I do have a bit of sympathy for your feelings and I can see that you’re a bit hurt. But it’s one of those situations where I don’t think you logically have much right to be, it’s more of a heart over head thing. But I do think you have to let it go or you’ll ruin this friendship.

Lollypop701 · 21/01/2020 21:36

My cousin is definitely my bf, more like sister but there were a lot of factors and she wasn’t my bridesmaid nor I hers. We are fine 20 years later. If it’s based on aesthetics I’d be extremely pissed off, if it’s based on family politics it’s easier. Personally I’d ask her ..calmly but over a glass of wine tbh. See what she says, and make your decision. Your ds May mean she really wants you included and around and it’s a way to have you with her. It may be a salve to her consiounce ... I’d be hurt op, unless there’s a good reason

NotStayingIn · 21/01/2020 21:37

I completely understand why you are hurt OP. If she really is a best friend surely she could have discussed her plan with you. It’s totally fine she wants your son to be pageboy but she could have discussed it and explained why therefore you can’t be bridesmaid (if that is the reason). As for you only finding out via friends - that is the bit I find really cold. I think she has handled this really badly I would be hurt too. As for all this crap on here about it’s the brides choice etc. Sure, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t consider other people’s feelings and be a bit more considerate in her approach.

Strawberrypancakes · 21/01/2020 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2020 21:40

Shes not emotionally attached to my boy

How do you know this?

I had flower girls (relations) at my wedding. It was so sweet to have them there. I didn’t know them well. The photos were nice but that wasn’t the reason that it was so lovely to have them part of the wedding. They did some fun and silly things, which made the wedding more special. I think you’re projecting tbh.

I get you’re disappointed. But not everyone has married older women as their bridesmaids and she doesn’t have to have you because you had. Relationships aren’t a straight transaction in this way.

DillBaby · 21/01/2020 21:41

She might be your best friend, but obviously you're not hers
This. She’s obviously more concerned about her photos looking a certain way than about being your friend and including you in her special day. I’d ditch her as a friend and certainly wouldn’t let my son be page boy.