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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin didn’t ask me to be bridesmaid

277 replies

Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 19:42

My cousin is basically my best friend and I’ve just found out - from other friends- that she’s asked them to be bridesmaids at her wedding but not me. Obviously it is her choice but I’m very upset that this is how I find out how little I mean to her! I asked her about it and she says she wants my son to be her page boy instead. It feels as though she only wants him because it suits her photos and I don’t really fit the mold. I realise it sounds petty but AIBU to tell her to find another page boy?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/01/2020 20:36

Him being a page boy has nothing to do with you being a bridesmaid. Nothing at all.

I suspect it us more about you not fitting the mold in terms of how you look. Some people are very very fussy about bridesmaids being of similar height, weight, hair length etc

Tbh I don't blame you if you don't want or let your son be a pageboy. Do what feels right for you.

Your cousin just doesn't want to tell you the true reason...

Original poster
Cloudyyy · 21/01/2020 20:37

@Disfordarkchocolate no I don’t now! I would’ve loved to have been, of course. What I want is to attend as a normal guest (if she so wants) and not make a big deal or be running around after a toddler in her ceremony/ photos. I’m insulted and want to back out of the situation. I definitely don’t want a day in her day - I’d like a polite exit route.

OP posts:
Sickandscared · 21/01/2020 20:37

Op I totally get why you're upset. I would be hurt too. I think she was tight on numbers and despite her being your best friend you're her fourth at best friend. I do think in her head she feels she is still giving you a role in the wedding. But it's transparent that it's still a rejection to not be bridesmaid. I decided no bridesmaids because unfortunately I knew that one definitely and two possibly friends would be upset I didn't ask them. But I have my three that I'd prefer.

And some of those reasons are practical - the hen party would never get organised, she would fight with my sister, she would be unavailable or constantly late for dress fittings. Any chance you're too busy with your son to really fulfill duties?

I think when you've had a bit of time to get over it, you will be happy for him to be pageboy.

WelshMammaofaSlovak · 21/01/2020 20:37

@TatianaLarina The wrong racial mix - wow!!!

speakout · 21/01/2020 20:40

A lucky break OP.

I'd rather have root canal work done than be a bridesmaid.

TatianaLarina · 21/01/2020 20:40

@WelshMammaofaSlovak

You might want to read that again.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/01/2020 20:40

Being this huffy is not giving you a polite way out @Cloudyyy.

Wedding planning is a nightmare, the best thing you can do for any friend is to be supportive and let it go. She will be getting pressure from all directions and not in full control. If this makes you realise she means more to you than you mean to her that is not her fault.

FthisS · 21/01/2020 20:41

If you don't want him to pageboy then don't, to be honest I would be pretty angry and wouldn't go at all. But maybe that is part of the reason I have no friends Grin

HaveeeeYouMetTed · 21/01/2020 20:41

You sound rather petty to be honest. If you were BM I'm sure you would be absolutely fine with your son being a pageboy so you're spitting your dummy out because you aren't playing a special part, your son can't either. Of course, it's your choice at the end of the day - you're his mother but your reasonings behind your choice as childish & bitter.

You're not being unreasonable about being upset not being asked but you're handling it unreasonably. You can't dictate how others plan their wedding.

Tellmetruth4 · 21/01/2020 20:45

She probably had a hard time choosing between bridesmaids and thought a good compromise would be to have your son who you both love in the wedding party so another friend could be involved as a bridesmaid. She probably thought you’d be happy and proud your son was chosen.

If you had been a bridesmaid too, your family would’ve had two places which wouldn’t have been fair on others.

MovingBriskyOn · 21/01/2020 20:45

cloudyyy, as they say on here, it's an invitation not a summons.
If, as you say, your DS is too young to care, and your hate it and would rather just be a guest then decline.
Whatever, I hope you and your cousin can get past this

donquixotedelamancha · 21/01/2020 20:46

The two things aren’t really connected surely?! It’s strange to think my son being page boy would be ok when she’s left me out of her bridal party.

She might have the idea that asking your son to be part of the wedding party includes your part of the family in the wedding. Somehow she's probably got the idea you'd be pleased.

She’s insulted me and shown me I’m not that important to her so I don’t see why I should bother.

She doesn't seem to have considered your needs in this wedding at all- it's all about her. I think you need to set her straight.

YABU. This could be a lovely memory for your son.

Why do people post such unhelpful stuff? OP has made quite clear that's not the issue.

I think maybe I should calm down and see how I feel tomorrow

Noooo. Have a couple of glasses of wine and call her now, OP. Really clear the air, get it all off your chest. Then come and post the outcome.

PetiteMuffin · 21/01/2020 20:46

YABVU - her wedding, her choice. I had a cousin as one of my bridesmaids but when she got married she didn’t ask me in return. I understood that she wanted friends and that was fine. We’re still close as I didn’t let it bother me.

RandomUser3049 · 21/01/2020 20:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ddl1 · 21/01/2020 20:46

I don't think her opinion of you can be measured by whether she asks you to be her bridesmaid. The one thing that would bother me is the fact that she didn't tell you directly, but let you find out from other people. But it may well be, for instance, that she decided to ask only one person from each branch of the family, and in your case it was your son, so she didn't also ask you.

GreenBasket · 21/01/2020 20:49

I'm not insulting you -- "I realise it sounds petty but AIBU to tell her to find another page boy?". I'm saying yes, you are being petty - you have acknowledged yourself.

You're stopping your little boy from being part of your friend's day because you are upset about not being a bridesmaid yourself.

I just can't understand why you would prefer your son to be benched and you be a bridesmaid.

Inherdefence · 21/01/2020 20:49

You’ve said you want a range opinions so here’s mine. I think YABU. My sister was my only bridesmaid. 10 years later when she got married she only had two bridesmaids - my young daughters. It didn’t occur to me to be upset or offended that I wasn’t a bridesmaid or MOH because to me having my children in the bridal party was the same as my being in the bridal party. I am also quite sure she wanted them because they would look adorable in the photos and indeed they did.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/01/2020 20:49

FWIW OP YANBU in the slightest. She hasn’t chosen you for a particular reason that I feel you know (possibly weight/looks.....All she wants is for everyone to look ‘right’ and instaworthy.

Ouch. That may be the meanest thing I've ever read on MN, which is saying something.

ddl1 · 21/01/2020 20:51

Of course, you are for understandable reasons not absolutely clear why you are 'not like' the other bridesmaids. It may be that it involves some form of judgement of your looks (weight? disability?) or even racism. But are you sure that's the case, and that it's not just selecting one person from each branch of the family? As you've been such good friends up to this time, maybe you could ask her directly.

mummmy2017 · 21/01/2020 20:51

Your really showing who you are.
You want your own way.
Who is the bride here.
Do you really need to wreck your cousin's to get revenge. Wow , just wow

CountFosco · 21/01/2020 20:52

I think you are being ridiculous and quite childish over this. I would never expect to be a bridesmaid once I had children. Your cousin has asked your son to be a page boy which is the traditional thing to do to show how important your relationship with her is. Would you really fall out with your beloved cousin over this? You need to suck it up and be delighted for your cousin and accept as a mother you have moved up a rank in the traditional world of weddings.

Drum2018 · 21/01/2020 20:53

Being bridesmaid aside, I wouldn't fancy having my small child as Paige boy or flower girl because you won't relax for a minute when they are supposed to behave during the ceremony and during photos. So I'd have no hesitation saying that Ds is too young, thanks for thinking of him but it really would not work out.

As for not being a bridesmaid, I'd thank my luck stars!

Jomarchsburntskirt · 21/01/2020 20:53

If you’re old enough to be a mother then you’re too old to be a bridesmaid. Nothing more ridiculous than a grown woman in a girl like bridesmaid dress. It’s her choice and her wedding. It would be petty of you to refuse your son’s participation.

PurpleFlower1983 · 21/01/2020 20:53

YANBU OP. I’m normally in the ‘their wedding, their choice’ camp but if you’re best friends it does seem strange that she should exclude you!

katy1213 · 21/01/2020 20:53

Well, if you are covered in tattoos, I wouldn't want you in my wedding photo either!
But grow up - your son is included and if you are a mother, you're not a 'maid'. Matron of honour, possibly.