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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is DP being a dick?

144 replies

Teasynurse · 21/01/2020 14:02

I'm currently signed off from work with stress. I've had so much on my plate recently with extreme pressure at work, teenage DD having a mental health crisis leaving her virtually agoraphobic and trying to keep everyone else happy while not looking after myself at all.
The GP has started me on some antidepressants but it's early days and I'm struggling to get some balance.
Yesterday DP asked if I would mind giving him a lift to work this morning as he has been given a company car and needs to be able to drive it home. He starts work at 07.30 but it's a 45 minute commute so it meant an early start. I've been struggling with my sleep pattern but thought an early start would get me set for the day. I decided I would get ready in my running gear and arranged that I would go to a friends house on my way home and we could go for a plod and that would be a good start to the day.
DP didn't wake me until 06.30 this morning, I scraped myself out of bed realising I didn't have long and tried to get myself going. I got all my stuff together and started getting dressed, then DP came in saying that he would have to drive himself or he would be late. I was literally half dressed in my sports bra and pants and would have been a couple of minutes at most as I had everything else sorted. I told him this but he said he had to go.
I just felt so unappreciated and I have spent the morning feeling shit. I feel like I do everything at the moment, he complains that DD doesn't help out much but I don't want to put pressure on her. He seems to think that I should manage the house as I'm not at work at the moment, I'm not at work because I'm ill.

OP posts:

Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 21:08

I'm saying that it would have cost him nothing to be kind and wake her up with a bit more time.

If someone purposely goes out of their way not to be kind they are a dick

It's entirely possible that he thought he was being kind

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/01/2020 01:20

I'm still more interested in how he reacted to the OP once he got home. THAT would be far more indicative of his dickishness.

Biancadelrioisback · 22/01/2020 06:23

Fair point thumb.
OP, was he sulky? Angry? Slightly irritated? Totally over it? Pondering how to get his company car/personal car home?

Branleuse · 22/01/2020 14:39

not sure why he didnt wake you up earlier if he needed you to drive him, or why he asked for a lift if he could drive himself anyway. He sounds passive aggressive

Scarsthelot · 22/01/2020 17:42

not sure why he didnt wake you up earlier if he needed you to drive him, or why he asked for a lift if he could drive himself anyway. He sounds passive aggressive

Why not read the op? It says right there why he asked her to take him.

And, again, how would he know when to get her up? Maybe he just thought she would want to sleep as late as possible

Branleuse · 22/01/2020 18:11

well yeah, but he clearly didnt need to that bad, since he went in anyway.
If you need someone up and ready by a certain time as a special favour, then wake them up in plenty of time. Now shes got up for nothing

Scarsthelot · 22/01/2020 18:17

He needed to not be late more than he needed to pick up the company car.

For lots of people, me included, 15 mins is plenty of time.

How would he guess what enough time for the OP was?

LakieLady · 22/01/2020 18:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP, given that you're struggling atm. And I don't think he was being unreasonable either, but it sounds like he's really not getting how tough things are for you just now.

While things are tough and you're not on top of your game, you need to go easy on each other and try and communicate better.

Branleuse · 22/01/2020 18:30

Oh well, too bad for him, he didnt get her up early enough and made his choice. She was nearly ready. Next time he will know that she needs more than 15 mins, as would I

Biancadelrioisback · 22/01/2020 20:42

You need more than 15 mins to change out of pjs and brush your teeth?

Branleuse · 22/01/2020 21:06

i wouldnt be ready to leave the house just by changing pyjamas and brushing teeth, no. I need coffee, id need to wake up. If I was given 15 minutes to be ready and out of the house in the morning it had better be a damn life or death emergency

Scarsthelot · 22/01/2020 21:14

But if OP needs more than 15 minutes she could have set and alarm or asked him to wake her up.

I can be up and out in 15 mins, if I need to. Clothes changed, brush my teeth and out. Just because some people xant doesnt mean everyone cant.

How was he supposed to know how long she would need? Or if he was trying to let her sleep as late as possible? Maybe he thought that was the best thing.

People labelling his behaviour as passive agressive/setting her up to fail have no idea of his motives.

OP was fine taking him to work she knew what time they were leaving. She knows how long she needs to wake up. If she didnt know how long she needs, because if her medication, how would he?

Despite what you read in mn, most people arent dicks. But people assume he must have had bad intentions. Rather than he didnt know she would need more than 15 mins or he was letting her sleep as late as possible and thought that was the right thing.

Branleuse · 22/01/2020 21:21

err cos he knows her and lives with her, and was already up, and even if its possible to get ready in such a short time in an emergency, it is still fuck all time.

Id be really annoyed if after all that shit going on in my life, he would wake me up at 6.30 and then fuck off before i was even ready.

Would be more sensible to arrange to go back and get the other car from work at a more sensible time later

3luckystars · 22/01/2020 21:27

You shouldn't have bothered getting dressed!

Try and go easy on yourself and go easy on him. Its a really tough time and it's hard on everyone. Look after yourself x

Allthecandles · 22/01/2020 22:04

YANBU but I don’t think he is either.
You could have set an alarm, he probably could have waited 5 more minutes.
He could have woke you a bit earlier, but you could have made a bit more of an effort to hurry knowing he’s on his way into work not leisure ( I know the run was important to your well being I’m oversimplifying )
I think this one is even Stevens so let it go and feel positive that your intention was there. Next time!

iamtinkabella · 22/01/2020 22:19

im finding it hard to understand how people think you are being unreasonable when you have just started on anti depressants and you have a lot on your plate. YANBU. He shouldn't of asked you. Its his problem, not yours. You need to take care of your own mental health and he should appreciate that before even asking you to get up when you are ajusting to medication. You will have been exhausted (mentally and physically) off the side effects of anti depressants and he shouldn't of even asked you in the first place. The fact that you even put the effort in to help him anyway despite how exhausted you are shows a lot of strength and he should not of treated you that way last minute either

Scarsthelot · 23/01/2020 05:10

Would be more sensible to arrange to go back and get the other car from work at a more sensible time later

He asked op. OP said yes. Who is too say doing it in an evening would be better for her?

He shouldn't of asked you. Its his problem, not yours.

Jesus wept. People in relationships shouldnt help each other out?

If OP said she had been forced into, I would see your point. He asked her. Didnt demand it.

Biancadelrioisback · 23/01/2020 08:59

Sometimes on MN it seems men can never do the right thing and are just always a dick. He's a dick for asking his wife for a favour. He's a dick for not understanding how tired she is. He's a dick for not waking her up earlier. He's a dick for not having a cup of coffee waiting for her. He's a dick for not wanting to be late for work. He's a dick for not wanting to somehow drive two cars home at once. I suppose he'd be a dick if he brought the company car home instead of the family car because then OP couldn't drive it.
Apparently what he should have done is simultaneously let OP sleep as much as she wants because she's ill, and woke her up earlier. Absolutely none of this is OPs fault whatsoever because a) he's a man and b) he asked her to do him a favour.

Meemm · 23/01/2020 09:16

Just let him drive himself then and go back to sleep. I don't get the issue !?!

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