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AIBU?

Or is DP being a dick?

144 replies

Teasynurse · 21/01/2020 14:02

I'm currently signed off from work with stress. I've had so much on my plate recently with extreme pressure at work, teenage DD having a mental health crisis leaving her virtually agoraphobic and trying to keep everyone else happy while not looking after myself at all.
The GP has started me on some antidepressants but it's early days and I'm struggling to get some balance.
Yesterday DP asked if I would mind giving him a lift to work this morning as he has been given a company car and needs to be able to drive it home. He starts work at 07.30 but it's a 45 minute commute so it meant an early start. I've been struggling with my sleep pattern but thought an early start would get me set for the day. I decided I would get ready in my running gear and arranged that I would go to a friends house on my way home and we could go for a plod and that would be a good start to the day.
DP didn't wake me until 06.30 this morning, I scraped myself out of bed realising I didn't have long and tried to get myself going. I got all my stuff together and started getting dressed, then DP came in saying that he would have to drive himself or he would be late. I was literally half dressed in my sports bra and pants and would have been a couple of minutes at most as I had everything else sorted. I told him this but he said he had to go.
I just felt so unappreciated and I have spent the morning feeling shit. I feel like I do everything at the moment, he complains that DD doesn't help out much but I don't want to put pressure on her. He seems to think that I should manage the house as I'm not at work at the moment, I'm not at work because I'm ill.

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Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 16:41

How on earth is this setting someone up to fail. She had time to get up throw the clothes on and get on the car. He did wake her up in time to do what they arranged

Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 16:42

Ideally being the operative word.

He doesnt have to park the car, it's a 45 min commute.

Or maybe he assumed that she would have set her alarm and waited until the last minute not wanting to wake her too early.

Lweji · 21/01/2020 16:45

Why did he have to wake you up?

PanicAndRun · 21/01/2020 16:46

She had time to get up throw the clothes on and get on the car.

That depends if he waited 5 minutes or 15 before deciding he needs to go.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/01/2020 16:46

What's the point in setting two alarms when they both had to get up at the same time? All he had to do was wake her up when he woke up.

Lweji · 21/01/2020 16:49

What's the point in setting two alarms when they both had to get up at the same time? All he had to do was wake her up when he woke up.

It then begs the question why didn't she wake up when his alarm went off...

Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 16:49

That depends if he waited 5 minutes or 15 before deciding he needs to go.

Throwing some clothes on takes 5 minutes at most. It's a 45 min commute.

All he had to do was wake her up when he woke up.

If I am leaving at 6.45am, for work I would be up at 5.45am. Why would OP need to get up then?

And if she didnt tell him to do that, it's perfectly reasonable to expect an adult to get themseleves up for something have arranged. Or to request to be woken up at a time that would suit them.

ShirleyPhallus · 21/01/2020 16:51

What are you ill with?

Stress. Literally says in the first sentence of the OP.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/01/2020 16:51

She had time to get up throw the clothes on and get on the car

Before commencing a 90+ minute drive. 15 minutes was not enough time. Bear in mind that she is dealing with depression, it is relevant.

I think he lost track of time, or maybe even forgot he asked her to drive him, and that's why he woke her up almost last minute and then got stroppy and left.

NameChangeNugget · 21/01/2020 16:52

Sorry OP, YABU

DamnShesaSexyChick · 21/01/2020 16:52

I don't think he's being a dick or it's anything to get upset about it just didn't work out this morning, maybe drive him tomorrow so he can bring the company car back tomorrow and you can be more prepared with getting up on time

PanicAndRun · 21/01/2020 16:52

Throwing some clothes on takes 5 minutes at most. It's a 45 min commute

Well I need a wee and to brush my teeth on top of throwing clothes on. The wee probably takes the longest.

BrendasUmbrella · 21/01/2020 16:53

It then begs the question why didn't she wake up when his alarm went off...

Perhaps because she doesn't usually get up at that time. The only relevant question really is why didn't he wake her up? He was the one who needed the favour. He was the one who was up and could see what the time was. Whether accidentally or on purpose he set her up to fail.

adaline · 21/01/2020 16:53

He knew he wanted a lift and had to leave 45 minutes before he was due at work. Expecting someone who is sick with depression and stress to get themselves up and out of bed in fifteen minutes is unrealistic.

If I wanted DH to give me a lift somewhere for whatever reason, I would give him at least an hour to wake up, eat, have a coffee and get himself sorted.

Vulpine · 21/01/2020 16:55

I think you need to take more responsibility for your actions.

PanicAndRun · 21/01/2020 16:56

Whether accidentally or on purpose he set her up to fail.

Don't say that or you'll be called an idiot too

Cheeseandwin5 · 21/01/2020 16:58

When I have plans with my DC I will normally have to chase them up to make sure they are up early enough and ready to go ( they never are but you can dream). For my DH , though if I agree a time, I will expect him to be there at that time.I don't expect to have to chase him or wake him, I will have better things to do in the morning.
If he assumed all you were doing was to drive there and back then 15 mins is more than enough of time.

Sorry I think you are at fault here, saying that with your illness, I suggest an apology should suffice.

Lweji · 21/01/2020 16:59

It was up to you, OP, to decide how much time you needed to get ready. So, either by setting up your own alarm at a time of your choosing, or asking him to wake you up at a set time, or waking up when you heard his alarm.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/01/2020 17:00

Don't say that or you'll be called an idiot too

Telling a sick person that her husband is setting her up to fail is pretty nasty when what she's said really doesn't suggest that at all, putting that thought in her head is going to make things alot worse for her

PanicAndRun · 21/01/2020 17:07

Except that it is possible and I've seen it before.OP might come back to say that her husband is an amazing,kind,supportive man. If she does I'll own up and apologise for being an idiot. However, more often than not these types of threads do start to show a pattern when/if OP updates with other examples/behaviour.

I definitely hope I'm wrong and it's all just a blip caused by stress and miscommunication. It would be the best outcome for everyone.

Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 17:07

The only relevant question really is why didn't he wake her up? He was the one who needed the favour.
Its really not

OP agreed to the favour. Knew what time he left and knew how long she needed.

OP made plans, then didnt get herself up or ask him to get her up at a certain time.

The reason she was getting up is irrelevant. She knew the plans and timings in advance.

chocolateisavegetable · 21/01/2020 17:09

Bloody hell some of the responses on here make me despair! Clearly a lot of you have never experienced mental health problems - well jolly good for you. You'd better hope you don't experience it later in life because honestly the lack of understanding by a lot of people is as shit as the illness itself.

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diddl · 21/01/2020 17:12

As a rule, I don't expect to have to wake another adult.

However, if I want a favour doing I'd make sure that they were up in time!

I don't think 15mins is long to get up, dressed, go to the loo & feel half way human!

WhatsTheLatest · 21/01/2020 17:15

I would have so flipping annoyed if someone had woken me at 6.30am, Id got up to get ready and then a few mins later they said they were going to be late and gone!! Why flipping wake me up if you knew you were going to go?!

Fanniesyeraunt · 21/01/2020 17:16

OP is in a bad place and everyone piling on her isn’t very helpful.
OP - I think you are overthinking this because you are feeling insecure about the fact you have had to give up work and maybe feel your DP is feeling resentful about this. You have been under emotional stress and aren’t feeling yourself.
I don’t think you’re DP was being a dick - you are possibly overthinking the situation because you are not in a good place at the moment and having negative thoughts.
I wouldn’t bring it up when he comes home - clean slate and all that.

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