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AIBU?

Or is DP being a dick?

144 replies

Teasynurse · 21/01/2020 14:02

I'm currently signed off from work with stress. I've had so much on my plate recently with extreme pressure at work, teenage DD having a mental health crisis leaving her virtually agoraphobic and trying to keep everyone else happy while not looking after myself at all.
The GP has started me on some antidepressants but it's early days and I'm struggling to get some balance.
Yesterday DP asked if I would mind giving him a lift to work this morning as he has been given a company car and needs to be able to drive it home. He starts work at 07.30 but it's a 45 minute commute so it meant an early start. I've been struggling with my sleep pattern but thought an early start would get me set for the day. I decided I would get ready in my running gear and arranged that I would go to a friends house on my way home and we could go for a plod and that would be a good start to the day.
DP didn't wake me until 06.30 this morning, I scraped myself out of bed realising I didn't have long and tried to get myself going. I got all my stuff together and started getting dressed, then DP came in saying that he would have to drive himself or he would be late. I was literally half dressed in my sports bra and pants and would have been a couple of minutes at most as I had everything else sorted. I told him this but he said he had to go.
I just felt so unappreciated and I have spent the morning feeling shit. I feel like I do everything at the moment, he complains that DD doesn't help out much but I don't want to put pressure on her. He seems to think that I should manage the house as I'm not at work at the moment, I'm not at work because I'm ill.

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C8H10N4O2 · 21/01/2020 15:54

What was the arrangement between the two of you? Was it for you to set the alarm or for him to wake you?

If he thinks you should be doing the housework because you are "off work" and DD should be doing more does he understand how mental health issues can affect people, especially people in the early stages of treatment?

C8H10N4O2 · 21/01/2020 15:56

Oh and I'd second the suggestion that AIBU is not the place for help rather than judgement. If you ask the thread could probably be moved to a more relevant topic.

IndecentFeminist · 21/01/2020 15:59

Did he know you were planning on dressing for running etc?

adaline · 21/01/2020 16:05

AIBU isn't the right place for this if you're already struggling with your mental health

Personally I think if he wanted you to get up and take him, he should have woken you up. Otherwise, you're signed off sick and had no reason to be awake so early in the morning!

I don't think he's been a dick, though. In his eyes, he's getting up early to go to work and you can't even be bothered to get up and drive him. Presumably he has no idea about mental health issues and how much of an impact they can have on your day-to-day life.

I was signed off with stress and anxiety back in October and it's only in the last few days that I've finally started to get back to normal. It's a slow road but you will get there. Be kind to yourself.

Ated · 21/01/2020 16:05

Alarm should have been for 5.00am. Leaving should have been 5.45 am, depending on location and traffic volume. That gives everyone time to get ready, drive safely and relaxed and be a little early with no stress. 06.30 AM is far too late to leave.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/01/2020 16:07

It sounds like you're really struggling with life at the moment and, in the kindest way, blowing this massively out of proportion.

I don't understand why you didn't just set an alarm? And I think given your failure to do so, his reaction was actually fairly tolerant. Your reaction to it is not rational, but I don't think this is the time to lay into you on this as you clearly are giving yourself a hard time anyway.

I think you probably need just write this off as an unfortunate misunderstanding and focus on getting yourself healthy as soon as you can.

ShirleyPhallus · 21/01/2020 16:09

Well obviously you should have set an alarm...

... but I think people are underestimating just how hard stress is and being signed off work is awful. You can be completely exhausted all the time and just need some kindness from your partner. So although the OP should have set her alarm, the partner should have come to wake her up and been a bit nicer about it all

newbingepisodes · 21/01/2020 16:13

I agree with all other why didn't you set an alarm? If me and DH both need to get up (even at the same time) we both set alarm.

DesLynamsMoustache · 21/01/2020 16:13

@Ated Then he'd be at work an hour early? Why in gods name would you be getting up at 5am to leave the house at 6:45 if you were just throwing clothes on to go running?

The problem wasn't the time they were leaving. It's that OP didn't set an alarm.

JakeChambers · 21/01/2020 16:14

I feel like this is a bit of both. When I was on antidepressants last year, for the first few weeks I couldn't get to sleep until about 4am and then slept like the dead for 8 hours. It took 2 weeks for my body clock to sort itself out and I'm normally someone who goes to bed early.

You could have set an alarm, yes, and your DP could have checked you were up in time to get ready before he needed to set off. I think you need to be a bit kinder to yourself, and lay out how you're feeling to your DP.

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 21/01/2020 16:16

No your partner is not a dick.

letmebefrank · 21/01/2020 16:16

AIBU isn't the place for this. OP is clearly struggling, having mental health issues along with her DD, and people can't relate to how hard that actually is to deal with sometimes.

I'd ask for the threat to be moved.

ShirleyPhallus · 21/01/2020 16:17

Alarm should have been for 5.00am. Leaving should have been 5.45 am, depending on location and traffic volume. That gives everyone time to get ready, drive safely and relaxed and be a little early with no stress. 06.30 AM is far too late to leave.

Honestly bonkers

AryaStarkWolf · 21/01/2020 16:19

Leaving should have been 5.45 am, depending on location and traffic volume. That gives everyone time to get ready, drive safely and relaxed and be a little early with no stress. 06.30 AM is far too late to leave.

Leave an hour and 45mins for a 45min journey? are you loco?

PegasusReturns · 21/01/2020 16:28

You’re being unreasonable - you needed to be ready to leave at 6:30 and in car shortly after.

Leaving it to your DH to wake you was unreasonable. Apologise and move on.

araiwa · 21/01/2020 16:33

Why does it take you so long to chuck on some clothes?

PanicAndRun · 21/01/2020 16:33

He's slightly a dick.
Yes ,you could've set an alarm, arrange a wakeup call from The Rock or booked a singing telegram,but for whatever reason you didn't.

As the other grownup in the house he knows what time you need to leave and when to wake up,so why not wake up much earlier? Why not wake you up when he got up?

Does he set you up to "fail" often?

Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 16:36

If you wanted to be up before 6.30, you should have got yourself up.

I am confused as to why you couldnt get up and throw the clothes on and leave.

Surely do should he the one pissed off. He was meant to bring his new car home and couldnt because you didnt organise yourself.

KatyCarrCan · 21/01/2020 16:37

Your DH may be a dick but this wasn't a good example of it. You should have set an alarm especially since you had made your own plan for the morning ie dropping him off, meeting your friend and going for a run.

adaline · 21/01/2020 16:37

The problem wasn't the time they were leaving. It's that OP didn't set an alarm.

If the partner needed a lift, he should have woken her up.

She's off work with stress and is on medication - what happened to a little kindness?

DesLynamsMoustache · 21/01/2020 16:38

what happened to a little kindness?

Perhaps he thought he was being kind by trying not to wake her while he got ready? I wouldn't expect DH to know when I wanted to get up!

HuskyloverI · 21/01/2020 16:39

What are you ill with?

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Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 16:40

Leaving her to sleep as late as possible is a kindness

If she wanted a certain amount of time to be OP before they left she could have said 'can you get me up at 6'

No one would say it was a woman responsibility to make sure a man is up in the morning.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/01/2020 16:40

Does he set you up to "fail" often?

Don't be an idiot, telling her she's right when she's not is really unhelpful

PanicAndRun · 21/01/2020 16:41

Ideally they should leave at 6:30 . Why wait until then to wake her?

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