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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is DP being a dick?

144 replies

Teasynurse · 21/01/2020 14:02

I'm currently signed off from work with stress. I've had so much on my plate recently with extreme pressure at work, teenage DD having a mental health crisis leaving her virtually agoraphobic and trying to keep everyone else happy while not looking after myself at all.
The GP has started me on some antidepressants but it's early days and I'm struggling to get some balance.
Yesterday DP asked if I would mind giving him a lift to work this morning as he has been given a company car and needs to be able to drive it home. He starts work at 07.30 but it's a 45 minute commute so it meant an early start. I've been struggling with my sleep pattern but thought an early start would get me set for the day. I decided I would get ready in my running gear and arranged that I would go to a friends house on my way home and we could go for a plod and that would be a good start to the day.
DP didn't wake me until 06.30 this morning, I scraped myself out of bed realising I didn't have long and tried to get myself going. I got all my stuff together and started getting dressed, then DP came in saying that he would have to drive himself or he would be late. I was literally half dressed in my sports bra and pants and would have been a couple of minutes at most as I had everything else sorted. I told him this but he said he had to go.
I just felt so unappreciated and I have spent the morning feeling shit. I feel like I do everything at the moment, he complains that DD doesn't help out much but I don't want to put pressure on her. He seems to think that I should manage the house as I'm not at work at the moment, I'm not at work because I'm ill.

OP posts:

Ated · 21/01/2020 17:18

@DesLynamsMoustache:
There is already an element of stress involved and you can feel the effect leaping from the words written. 5.00 am is not early for a 07.30 am start. By getting up and getting ready at that time you have the opportunity to relax, even having a cup of tea before you go. Depending on traffic, aim to get there with time to spare. If there is a local cafe, have breakfast together before leaving. So no stress, a safe journey, no rushing and if any road or traffic problems occur you have some wriggle room.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 21/01/2020 17:29

How did it work that you weren't up with the alarm? I ask because I suffer with bad fatigue at times and will often fall back into quite a deep sleep after an alarm goes off. DH however realises this and will let me sleep and wake me up when he needs me to get up (normally about 15 mins before the dc wake but if he needs to get somewhere he will make sure I'm awake). I do the same with him on the rare occasions it happens to him too.

Maybe next time he needs a favour like this make it clear that if you aren't up at x time he needs to give you a wake up then.

CassidyStone · 21/01/2020 17:29

You should have set your alarm for 06.00 then you would have had plenty of time to get ready. Blaming DH is wrong. You're an adult, take some responsibility.

FrangipaniBlue · 21/01/2020 17:30

This is how it would go in my house:

6am DH gets up goes to bathroom, gets dressed then goes downstairs to make his lunch up/put coffee in his travel mug (and probably do one for me too)

6.15am I get out of bed and start getting dressed, brush teeth etc

6.30 DH would pop back upstairs if he hadn't heard me yet, would see I was getting dressed and go back downstairs

6.45 I'd come downstairs and we'd leave the house

If by 6.45 I hadn't come down he might shout upstairs to ask if I was far away from being ready yet

If I still then didn't come downstairs or looked like I was only half dressed DH would probably lose his shit with me too.

So no I don't think your DH was being a dick I think you needed to take a bit more responsibility and be more adult.

I get that you are off work with stress but if you thought you couldn't manage you shouldn't have agreed to take him or as other PPs have said you should have set your own alarm and allowed yourself extra time just in case.

PepePig · 21/01/2020 17:32

If you're doing a favour for someone, it's on you to ask what time you need to leave at and work backwards from there. If I was just giving DP a lift I wouldn't need to get up at the same time as him because I'd literally just be chucking comfies on and getting in the car. OP's husband probably assumed that's what she would be doing. Not getting properly ready etc.

Being off for stress is one thing but it doesn't make you incapable of setting an alarm.

Vanhi · 21/01/2020 17:49

Some of the people here must not have experienced the impact of mental health issues on how quickly you do things, your ability to remember to do things and how hard it hits you when you fail to do what you wanted to do. He wasn't a dick and you are not being unreasonable either.

This. IME there's a considerable physical element to depression and stress. It is unreasonable of the OP's DH to expect her to run the household because she's home. I'm assuming if she had flu he wouldn't expect her to be up and ready to leave whilst it's still dark in the morning. OP you need to explain to him how difficult this is for you. I think in future you tell him you cannot do this kind of thing until you are well.

Sure there are things you could have done differently, but I wouldn't expect an unwell partner to drive around at that time in the morning. He's not necessarily being a dick though - he just needs you to tell him what being ill with stress is like. If he still doesn't get it, then he's being a dick.

Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 17:53

OP was ok to drive him round. She hasnt said she didnt want to she made plans for after.

She just failed to plan the first part.

I suffer with anxiety and depression. So I do get it.

I also get that agreeing with OP that he is s dick or set her up to fail rather than acknowledging her own part in this, isnt helping at all

diddl · 21/01/2020 17:55

"DH would probably lose his shit with me too."

Even if what needed doing could wait until another day?

How unpleasant.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/01/2020 17:59

He wanted the lift, he should have made sure she was awake. Coffee in bed would have been a good way to start.

NearlyGranny · 21/01/2020 18:00

YANBU. You agreed to do him a favour, so it was up to him to wake his (sick!) DW in good time.

SidekickSally · 21/01/2020 18:02

I think it sounds like you’re struggling and it sounds to me like your DH didn’t appreciate that when he asked for the lift. He may not have realised that he would need to wake you and give you enough time. I don’t think he was setting you up for failure.

Am trying to put myself in his shoes. Maybe he thought he was just asking for a simple lift. Maybe he feels the weight of your illness more than you think. Maybe he thought if you agreed to the lift then you’d be up and ready to give him the lift without him having to support you to actually get up. That is what happens in a “normal” situation but this does not sound “normal”.

You both need to talk.

adaline · 21/01/2020 18:07

The reason she was getting up is irrelevant. She knew the plans and timings in advance.

She's also suffering so badly with her mental health that she's been signed off work and put on medication! The lack of empathy on this thread is shocking and it shows how little people understand MH issues...

SidekickSally · 21/01/2020 18:10

But the OP was asking if her DH was a dick and some posters are saying no he wasn’t. I think that’s separate from having empathy for OP’s issues. I don’t see what more he could have done in the circumstances.

Vanhi · 21/01/2020 18:21

OP was ok to drive him round. She hasnt said she didnt want to she made plans for after. She just failed to plan the first part.

I get the impression the OP is still adapting to her illness and finding out about it. She's overestimating what she can do, possibly because she wants to please her husband and still do things for him. She needs to learn to manage her illness and part of that may mean realising that she isn't dependable for an early start. It's not the driving per se, it's promising to drive someone somewhere early in the morning when your sleep pattern is disturbed and your body and mind need rest.

adaline · 21/01/2020 18:28

I don’t see what more he could have done in the circumstances.

Woken her up earlier so she had more than 15 minutes to get herself up and ready to go? It would have taken him seconds!

CakeandCustard28 · 21/01/2020 18:33

Ah OP it’s not the end of the world. You have a lot on your plate, don’t let this little thing add more stress to you.

Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 18:49

Absolute bollocks. How is he to know she needs more than 15 mins, if she doesnt tell him that? If it's a case of it took her longer to come round than expected, then it's just one of those things.

Again, telling someone struggling with their mental health that their partner is a dick and they had no responsibility for getting themseleves up, doesnt help either.

Woken her up earlier so she had more than 15 minutes to get herself up and ready to go?

Exactly how would he have known how long she needed? What if he guessed she need an hour? But she wanted to get up at 6am?

Having mental health issues is hard, but its our responsibility to communicate what we need. If we cant, thinking our partner is dick because they didnt guess right, isnt the answer either.

Imagine this the other way round.

'My dp is off with stress and on medication. I had to pick up my new car so asked in advance if he could take me to work. He agreed and made plans for after and seemed quite happy with the morning he had planned. I got up and got ready. I assumed as he knew we need to leave 6.45am and hadnt asked me to get him up that he was getting himself up. I left it as late as I could and woke him at 6.30am. I didnt want to wake him earlier as I didnt know if he wanted more sleep or had a time planned to get him up. He took that long ti get ready i had to leave because i was going to be late if i didnt leave then. Noe he says i am a dick and that it was my responsibility to get him up even though he didnt tell me that or what time to get him up.'

chocolateisavegetable · 21/01/2020 19:46

Having mental health issues is hard, but its our responsibility to communicate what we need.

Probably the most stupid thing I've ever read on MN. You know mental health illness affects THE BRAIN right? If someone had a brain injury and wasn't able to communicate properly, you'd tell them it's their responsibility to communicate would you? You'd tell someone with Autism they need to communicate better would you? Have my first ever

adaline · 21/01/2020 19:52

Having mental health issues is hard, but its our responsibility to communicate what we need. If we cant, thinking our partner is dick because they didnt guess right, isnt the answer either.

But when you have MH issues, you don't always know what you need or how to communicate it! When I started on anti-depressants my brain was a total fuzzy mess for a good two weeks - I could barely get out of bed in the morning let alone realise how much time I'd need to wake up before having to give someone a lift.

Her DH knew she needed a lift. He should have woken her and said "we need to leave in an hour" or whatever and given her the chance to wake up. As it is, he woke her with 15 minutes to spare and then got in a strop because she wasn't ready in time!

MH issues are bloody tough as it is, sufferers need all the support they can get.

Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 20:05

OP knows how long she needs to cone round in the morning

She absolutely could have communicated that.

If she cabt possibly know how would he know?

How would he know that waking her an hour earlier was the right thing? What if that was the wrong thing and she want ed waking 20 minutes before or half an hour. What if an hour was too early and he disturbed her sleep?

Having mental health issues does not mean you cant communicate what you want. Not in all or even most cases

Lumping anyone with stress or mental health issues as unable to know what they want is ridiculous. OP has not hinted she lacks capacity to make decisions at all. Why would you assume that she is unable to make decisions for herself?

That's doing people with mental health a disservice.

adaline · 21/01/2020 20:12

OP knows how long she needs to cone round in the morning

She may well not know that if she's in the early days of her medication!

I'm not saying she's totally unable to make decisions - I'm saying if you want a lift to work from your partner who is signed off sick from work with MH issues, the nice thing to do would be to wake them up with plenty of time to spare!

When I started on my anti-depressants I really struggled to get out of bed and to function properly. It was hard - I felt sick, dizzy, had a fuzzy head and it was just generally miserable. But saying that, there's no way I could have gotten up to give anyone a lift at that time of the day either!

Scarsthelot · 21/01/2020 20:15

She may well not know that if she's in the early days of her medication!

Then how would he know?

If she didnt then it's just one of those things. He isnt being a dick.

I'm saying if you want a lift to work from your partner who is signed off sick from work with MH issues, the nice thing to do would be to wake them up with plenty of time to spare

No that's you. When it was me I would have preffered to sleep longer.
You are projected what you would have wanted and assuming because he didnt give her that he must be a dick.

Rather than, he may have just thought letting her sleep as long as possible was better.

adaline · 21/01/2020 20:24

You are projected what you would have wanted and assuming because he didnt give her that he must be a dick.

I never said he was a dick

I'm saying that it would have cost him nothing to be kind and wake her up with a bit more time. I don't think many people would appreciate being woken and told they have 15 minutes to get up and ready to drive to work.

Then how would he know?

I never said he would know, but he could be a bit more considerate.

Biancadelrioisback · 21/01/2020 20:36

OP didn't have to drive the first leg of the journey though. I know when I've been off work and DH wanted a lift to work, id let him drive there if I was still feeling sleepy and then I'd drive back once I felt more awake.
I agree he could have made her a coffee 15 minutes earlier or something, but he probably thought she needed the sleep more.

wheretonow123 · 21/01/2020 20:56

I dont think he is being a dick but, unless he was needed to be in exactly on time, I think a few minutes late on a day he has new arrangements due to the car would have been ok.

If you said you would be ready in a few minutes he should have accepted that.

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