Or is DP being a dick?

[Teasynurse]

I'm currently signed off from work with stress. I've had so much on my plate recently with extreme pressure at work, teenage DD having a mental health crisis leaving her virtually agoraphobic and trying to keep everyone else happy while not looking after myself at all.
The GP has started me on some antidepressants but it's early days and I'm struggling to get some balance.
Yesterday DP asked if I would mind giving him a lift to work this morning as he has been given a company car and needs to be able to drive it home. He starts work at 07.30 but it's a 45 minute commute so it meant an early start. I've been struggling with my sleep pattern but thought an early start would get me set for the day. I decided I would get ready in my running gear and arranged that I would go to a friends house on my way home and we could go for a plod and that would be a good start to the day.
DP didn't wake me until 06.30 this morning, I scraped myself out of bed realising I didn't have long and tried to get myself going. I got all my stuff together and started getting dressed, then DP came in saying that he would have to drive himself or he would be late. I was literally half dressed in my sports bra and pants and would have been a couple of minutes at most as I had everything else sorted. I told him this but he said he had to go.
I just felt so unappreciated and I have spent the morning feeling shit. I feel like I do everything at the moment, he complains that DD doesn't help out much but I don't want to put pressure on her. He seems to think that I should manage the house as I'm not at work at the moment, I'm not at work because I'm ill.

[AryaStarkWolf]

I don't understand how you giving him a lift achieves this? Surely if you give him a lift then you drive the car back and he can't drive it home?

She says that he's getting a company car which presumably is in work for him to pick up?

[diddl]

I think he probably could have waited if you were almost dressed & that was all you needed to do.

15mins isn't long though-perhaps he was already getting stressed that you were still sleeping then?

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I think it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

You knew it was a 45 min drive and that he needed to be there by 7.30am, so you should have set your own alarm.

But equally, if your DH knew you were still asleep, he could have woken you earlier, unless he just assumed you were already up and getting ready?

Did you not wake up when he got up?

[Meltedicicle]

Can’t see what your DP has done wrong. As others have said, set an alarm or make it clear that you wanted him to wake you up at a specific time or say that you can’t give him the lift because of your sleep struggles.

[BumbleBeee69]

you can't wake yourself UP

[PremierNaps]

Set yourself an alarm. YABU. You knew you had to get up.

[fairlyplump]

I dont thinks he is the dick here

[deydododatdodontdeydo]

No, DP isn't being a dick.
You were going to make him late. What should he have done? Just let you make him late?

[diddl]

I agree with a pp re 6 of one & half a dozen of the other.

If he really needed to be able to collect he car today he could have made sure that Op was up.

It'll have to do another day.

Look after yourself, Op-sounds as if you're up against it atm.

[EagleVisionSquirrelWork]

No, I think he was trying to let you get as much sleep as possible and/or ready to accept that getting a lift might not be on after all. A combination of you not setting an alarm, him not realising you had a plan for the morning that meant you couldn't just head out the minute you were awake, general miscommunication and morning sluggishness have conspired to get your day off to a bad start, but it wasn't caused by him being a dick.

What I think is dickish of him is to expect that you'll be firing on all cylinders on the home front because you're not at work, when the reason you're off work is because you're not well. He wouldn't see it that way if you were off with a physical illness (I presume), so I think he needs to wake up a bit to the fact that you (and DD) are fragile and in need of support atm, both in the ordinary course of things and particularly on a day like today when everything seemed to go wrong before it had even begun. (I'm assuming he is thinking this way rather than it being you projecting expectations of yourself on to him?)

I hope he comes home with flowers instead of an attitude about the car. Here are some from me just as a back-up.

[Highonpotandused]

I also would not rely on anyone else to wake me up and would set an alarm. But yes, it was in his interest for you to take him to work, so also weird that he didn't wake you.

How old is DD?

[TatianaLarina]

I don’t think he’s being a dick. Having not set your alarm he let you sleep as long as poss before he woke you. He can’t be late for work.

[onanothertrain]

I don't think he was a dick and I'm not sure he could have won no matter what he did. If he woke you up earlier I feel you'd be complaining about that. Why isn't 15 mins enough to put on running gear?
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that your ill health is making you irrational.

[user1471449295]

Yabu. You made a commitment and knew what time he had to be in work. Set your alarm

[WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles]

"I got all my stuff together and started getting dressed, then DP came in saying that he would have to drive himself or he would be late"

I think the key thing (which I don't think I've seen?) is what time DP came in - was it after 6.45?

I don't think 15 mins is an unreasonable amount of time to be up and out of the door for something like that (if no disabilities etc) running gear, teeth brushed and hair tied back?

[theemmadilemma]

Why did he have to wake you up? Surely you knew what time you needed to be up to take him and should have set yourself an alarm to get up and be ready on time?

[WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles]

Actually I can see if you're having trouble sleeping and on new medication you may need someone to double check you're up - I take AEDs and ideally have to have a human back up to my alarm for anything important.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I was off work for over a year before I was let go, I have ongoing mental health issues including agoraphobia.

Some of the people here must not have experienced the impact of mental health issues on how quickly you do things, your ability to remember to do things and how hard it hits you when you fail to do what you wanted to do. He wasn't a dick and you are not being unreasonable either.

[Brefugee]

well you both learned something here: get things ready the night before and agree a time that you need to be up by to leave the house at a certain time.

No harm done though - although i do agree with PP that if you're off for stress you should probably not offer to do favours for people.

[84claire84]

YABU you should of set your alarm especially as you knew it was going to be an early start and you were struggling with sleep.

[beethebee]

It sounds like you're having a hard time OP, but you knew you had to be up early and should have set an alarm at a time to suit you so you had enough time to get ready.

Personally I can be up, showered and out of the house in 15 minutes easily if I'm not going to work, but I appreciate not everyone is the same and some people may take longer. Probably your DP was trying to be nice by letting you sleep and didn't realize that 15 minutes wasn't enough for you.

[Lulualla]

@Equanimitas

She drops him off at work so he can collect his company car at the office and drive it home. If he drives himself, then he's at work with their car and his company car. He cant drive 2 cars home so would need to leave 1 there.

He was collecting the new company car, but ended up having to drive himself anyway so would have had both cars at work.

[Butterflyflower1234]

OP for the sake of your mental health, please do not come on Mumsnet asking AIBU. People are brutally honest here and if you're already vulnerable you don't need to hear it.

You had the best intentions this morning so please get outside to get some fresh air and exercise. All the best.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

He's been a bit of a dick, to be honest.
If he needed you to be up and ready to leave then he should have checked you were awake early enough for you to get ready in time - he presumably knows about your trouble sleeping and meds and so on - but he didn't.

So I'm guessing it wasn't that important for him to collect his company car today then! The question now is, will he be asking you to do the same tomorrow as it didn't happen today? And will the same scenario play out?
And the other big question here is - is he going to give you a hard time over your failure to be ready in time this morning? Because if he is, then that's really not fair of him - he knows what you've got going on, he should be helping you, not setting you up to fail.

[Quartz2208]

Oh OP I agree AIBU is not the place for this at all