Male privilege: How can I explain to a man why some women are afraid of men?

[IvyBush123]

A make friend of mine talked about male privilege a few months ago or I was trying to explain it to him - but I don’t think he got what I was trying to say.
He was walking down the street in the evening, it was getting dark and there was nobody else in the street but a unaccompanied women who hurried and gave him fearful looks.
My friend is a harmless person, very nice, would never do anything bad to a woman. He was hurt by the fact she seemed to fear him.

I tried to explain to him that most men aren’t rapist but some are and women like to be on the safe side. Don’t think he got what I was trying to say.

How can I explain to him it is not about him and not meant to be an offense. He is a big man with a buzz cut and lots of muscles, very nice but looks a bit rough. How can I explain he looks far more dangerous than he is?

You don't have to.

You tell him that women rely on their learned experience - that some men are dangerous and that there is no way to tell which ones are and which aren't. So your own self-preservation instincts tell you that if you are in a vulnerable position - such as a quiet street after dark with nobody else around - then the most sensible thing to do is put your keys between your fingers and walk/run as fast as you can to somewhere busy and brightly lit.

Tell him that if he finds this troubling then he should become an ally and support women and girls. And part of that support is that sometimes women and girls are going to find him intimidating and a threat simply because he is male and they are all too aware that they are not as strong or fast.

Tell him to imagine being in a prison with no guards and 1000 men. All the men are bigger and stronger than him. They are all friendly and safe to be around except one who wants to rape and kill him.

Ask him if he'd be on his guard or totally relaxed?

He could change his personal hurt into outrage that other men do such awful things that women genuinely fear an unknown man.

Schroedinger's rapist might be helpful

kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/

Send him some stats? I in 10 women at any time are suffering domestic violence. Given this doesn't include emotional abuse and people who don't report it (the majority) the figure is actually much much higher.

A majority of women have received unwanted sexual attention eg groping, verbal abuse etc

2 women a week are murdered by their partner / ex partner and the risk to them ramps up when they try and leave.

A woman is raped every 6 minutes in England.

Looking at the above it's a wonder any woman trusts a man really

If he really wants to help change this stereotype then he needs to do his bit personally to make the world a safer place for women. If he saw a woman acting fearful near him then by moving away from her, crossing the street, etc. he could alleviate her concerns. If I saw a guy do that when I felt worried then I’d think he was a nice guy who cared about women

You need to put it in terms he can relate to. Just ask how he'd feel if 50% of the population were intimidating to him. Like all 7ft rugby players with heavy facial tattoos and cauliflower ear.

I would talk of male physiology and explain just how much of an advantage it is and how women who have experienced the negative side of that are understandably wary around men they don't know well. It isn't personal, it isn't about privilege, it is just a fact of sexual dimorphism that women in general, and women who've been victims of violence from men in particular, are acutely aware of.

Give him some facts and figures to dwell on. For example an average 70 year old man has greater grip strength than an average 30 year old woman.

It’s also a learned behaviour. Learned from our mothers, and in most cases, also our fathers. We go on to teach our own children the same. Males of most species tend to be more aggressive, bigger, stronger. Not all to be feared, but best to be aware of just in case.

It’s not a constant thing, but women have to be on their guard eg if walking into a quiet subway or down a quiet pathway, you tend to check behind you regularly, men wouldn’t even think of that. If you are in a pub you keep your drink close to you. If you are OLD you let someone know where you’re going. Women tend not to go in certain pubs alone. I’m sure there’s other examples, little things that men wouldn’t think of.

The notion of male privilege is bigotry, and assumes moral superiority and higher virtue for women.

Maleness in and of itself does now bestow privilege upon a person. Privilege is a very complex manifestation of many circumstances and characteristics.

What we see now is that the word “privilege” is used as ad hominem attacks on the personal characteristics of people in order to other, dehumanise and diminish, and it is normally deployed by those with fragile intellects and egos who are upset when their worldview is challenged in any way.

With regard to the specific example of the OP, it is ok for someone to be scared when walking alone at night, but it is not ok to attribute this fear to the protected characteristics of other people. The fear felt is real and it matters, but it is a matter for the person experiencing the fear, and not the fault of an innocent person walking down a street minding his or her own business.

I know many women. None of them are scared to walk down a street at night and the perpetual trope of women as weak victims does not serve women, or anyone. It holds people back and perpetuates a mindset and culture of fear, for a demographic who should be becoming more empowered as violence against them from all demographics reduces statistically with ever passing year.

There has never been a better or safer time to be female, nor indeed to be human in the UK.

Statistically, males have more to fear from other males when out alone at night, and even that is reducing as overall crime rates continue to reduce.

Males are statistically more likely to be victims of male violence BECAUSE they dont fear as much as women do so take more risks. So I don’t agree that women should start taking those same risks

"He could change his personal hurt into outrage that other men do such awful things that women genuinely fear an unknown man."

That's what I was going to suggest and to also feel outraged at the pathetic sentences given for lack of, for violent/sexual etc crimes.

Why wouldn't you fear someone who could quite easily kill you, even by accident? There's enough news reports of crimes against women.

If he's got no knowledge of rape culture, it's more difficult to explain.

Don't waste your breath, op. He has access to newspapers and biology textbooks like everyone else.

These cases are usually about willful ignorance rather than genuine innocence of the nature of men as a class.

It does seem to be becoming fashionable to be seen as a victim of something or other. It does a huge disservice to true victims, those whose lives are truly horrific beyond name calling, a badly worded social media post, or a vile headline in a gutter rag newspaper.

A sense of proportion should be required.

I disagree with the idea that men don't keep an eye on their surroundings or worry about walking alone along quiet pathways at night. The men I've spoken to on these matters all worry about being attacked.

Statistically men are more at risk of street violence because statistically men are more likely to be violent to other men than women.

None the less if a man is violent towards a woman statistically the outcome is worse for the woman due to the differences in physiology. Another man has a more equal chance of fighting back. A man is less likely to have his face fractured if punched by a man than a woman is due to greater bone density.

Women have very right and reason to be wary round strange men but so do other men and many of them will switch off if you start saying 'men don't do x' when in reality many men do.

Ive always been told to fear men. The stranger danger (as it was then) from police officers both at school and at brownies - we were told if we needed help and were alone we should ask the lady with the pram because shes got kids of her own, so she wont hurt you. Thus everyone else might.

At uni we went to a safety talk which was basically how not to get raped. Keep your finger over the top of your bottle, dont leave your drink unattended, dont let anyone fetch you a drink from the bar, if you go home with a guy take him back to yours so if he crosses your boundaries you can yell and your housemates will come running, dont walk home alone, if you do walk home have your keys between your fingers, carry a rape alarm, take a taxi, look after each other, give 3 rings when you get home.

Travelling in india cover everything from your knees to your shoulders otherwise you are inviting attention. Dont travel alone. Sit near the driver. Walk like you know where you are going.

Plus endless stories of women and girls going missing in the news. I remember a local woman being murdered by her H when i was a teen. Oh and when I was 12 the police started digging in a local garden. The garden belonged to Fred and Rose West.

Ive been #metoo several times. I didnt do anything at the time because in every situation the man was either stronger than me so could quite easily have done worse, or was more powerful and could have made things worse for me.

Ive been told by wider society, by local society and by my own experience that most men are ok but that it is impossible to know which ones are the good guys, so I expect the worst and then hopefully am pleasantly surprised.

Remembered another message from uni. All ground floor rooms were occupied by men to stop women getting attacked. And there was a womens bus.

A man sees a woman on her own at dusk looking fearful and his response is to be HURT! How dare she! Didn't she know that her job was to make him feel good about himself? Instead the stupid woman tried to make him feel bad. Shame on her.

Seriously, he is far up his own arse about himself, I wouldn't be bothered

Thanks. You are nearly writing faster than I can read but I find it very helpful.

It’s true what some people are saying: men are afraid of other men too. Dh is far more afraid of other men than of women (but he doesn’t show it by giving them fearful looks).

But I get my friend too: most men aren’t rapists. How many are? Maybe one in thousand and I guess it must suck if you are a man and people look at you like you are dangerous just because of your gender.. or because you have a buzz cut... or wear a hoodie.

The shark analogy

Fear of sharks is seen as rational , yet only 6 people are killed by sharks every year, WORLD WIDE

Fear of men is seen as irrational but 2 women are killed by men every week in the UK ALONE

I don't believe he can't understand it.

Any normal human being can understand that someone alone at night is wary of strangers, male or female actually. Don't tell me you wouldn't be cautious of a group of female, even teenagers, clearly up to no good.

Even a male can understand that - the way you or I can understand that a 5 year old could be fearful of a 9 year old bully.

It's utter bollocks that he doesn't get it, and it has nothing to do with gender.