Male privilege: How can I explain to a man why some women are afraid of men?

[IvyBush123]

A make friend of mine talked about male privilege a few months ago or I was trying to explain it to him - but I don’t think he got what I was trying to say.
He was walking down the street in the evening, it was getting dark and there was nobody else in the street but a unaccompanied women who hurried and gave him fearful looks.
My friend is a harmless person, very nice, would never do anything bad to a woman. He was hurt by the fact she seemed to fear him.

I tried to explain to him that most men aren’t rapist but some are and women like to be on the safe side. Don’t think he got what I was trying to say.

@pallisers I get what you are saying but I do not think he chooses to dress the way he does and choose his hair cut because he wanted to be rough looking. I think it is just his personal style - May be also because he grew up poor. I noticed that men from poorer families often have the habit of dressing in a way that makes them look rough.

One the one hand I do think he would get a different reaction from people if he had a different hair cut and wore different clothes but then I think I am not in a position to judge him.

“ Why enter into a debate about the experiences of women and straight away take the viewpoint that we are mistaken in those experiences when it something you have no knowledge of?”

Because I felt like it. I didn’t take the view that “we” were mistaken. There is no “we”. You don’t speak for women, or anyone other than yourself.

I have joined the discussion and offered a view, which you are free to reject. But I ask again, why are you othering and seeking to insult me based on my protected characteristics?

6 in 100 men are a rapist? That statistic is scary.

“ So bugger off“

No.

One the one hand I do think he would get a different reaction from people if he had a different hair cut and wore different clothes but then I think I am not in a position to judge him.

Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. I am wary of most men in situations where I am alone, it is dark, they are unknown to me - could be dressed in a three-piece suit, I don't care. I don't run screaming but I am very aware of my surroundings. Tell him his looks might add to it but in general it is just women watching their own backs when it comes to men.

Explain to him that the woman wasn't necessarily making a judgement on his threat to her based on his appearance but on his membership of the class known as men - and she has good statistical reasons to feel like this (and god knows what personal experience)

The way I see it...
Not all men are rapists, violent etc
But all women have experienced a fear for their safety, checked their drink, felt paranoid at some point.

And the fact that as a man he doesn't get it... Shows just how much privilege he has.

It's the same reason why dads are very protective of their daughters, older brothers protective of their sisters, husbands protect their wives. It's not about men being protectors... It's because they know what (some) men are like.

Out of all the men we meet everyday. It only takes one to ruin your life. So yes, we are keeping on the safe side.

aeon.co/essays/until-we-treat-rapists-as-ordinary-criminals-we-wont-stop-them

Interesting article with various studies on rapists, some concluding between 6 and 14% of men are rapists.
Or rather would admit to coercing, cajolling, threatening, drugging or forcing women, conscience or not into sex acts they couldn't or wouldn't consent to.
Of course if you just ask the nice man if he's a rapist 99.9% would say no.

@StreetwiseHercules I am happy you joined the discussion after all I wanted to know how to explain it to a man.
I never made the experience that people were scared of me. I could dress however I want - it still wouldn’t scare anybody and I think that it must feel bad if you scare people just by existing and dressing the way you like.
Yes, I am trying to understand how that feels. I think it doesn’t feel good...
But I would hope that he would also try to understand what it is like when you are all alone and somebody walking behind you who could easily rape you or rob your money or whatever he chooses.

“
Society as a whole does not have the same expectations of men as it does of women.”

Society is comprised of men and women.

I reckon far more than 1 in a 1000 men are rapists. We'll never know the true stats though.

Just tell him how many woman are sexually assaulted, raped, physically assaulted or killed by men every week (and that's only the ones we know about).

I love the men in my life and am not anti man at all but I would be nervous if walking alone at night for instance and a man was walking behind me.

I've told my dh if he's ever walking behind a lone woman at night to slow down or cross the road. Once I explained my reasoning he completely understood.

“ 6 in 100 men are a rapist? shock That statistic is scary.”

I think it’s meant to be scare, in order to accentuate and perpetuate the culture of fear that some women like to cultivate in other women.

I don’t think it’s remotely likely.

So the point of you being here is to derail the discussion by once again parenting "you're wrong" over and over?

Pick that up from the MRA handbook, did you?

Thanks Ivy, it’s good discussing it with you.

I have a son and a daughter. I don’t like the idea of my son being considered a likely threat on the basis of his protected characteristics and I am not raising my daughter to be fearful or unsure of herself in the world.

“ So the point of you being here is to derail the discussion by once again parenting "you're wrong" over and over?”

I have asserted no such thing. You are making things up.

I have offered views. Accept them, reject them, ignore them. Do what you like, it’s entirely your decision.

But there is no need to lie, in my opinion.

Forget about his clothes and his haircut, on a dark street it's not a factor.
The only thing that's registering on a woman's instinctual survival mechanism is that he's a man.
He could be wearing a babygro, we all still know he's a man.
I have to walk down a dark secluded street to get to my car after work once a week, I hate it and it scares me. The clothes or hair of a man wouldn't register to me so much as his speed and direction, his distance from me. I try to get close to couples or other women but most times there's one street that's deserted.
I'm 5'1 and 8 stone, pretty much any man could over power me if they wanted to.
The fact I have to be so aware of that fact really pisses me off..
Maybe your friend should try abit of empathy.

but it is not ok to attribute this fear to the protected characteristics of other people.

av a word ffs

@Meercatsarecats I think clothing plays a role for me. I am far more afraid of men I don’t know who dress in a rough looking way then of those who dress like middle class professionals.

I also think haircut plays a role. I am a bit intimidated by buzz cuts. It’s odd - dh used to have a buzz cut, he is a very nice man. I am not sure why but I think buzz cuts make men look rough.

Read the article I posted and the links to studies within it Hercules.
Not lies.

for some female, they are exactly the same as expectations and demands for males, but some posters like to be born victims.

How dare you! Do you realise that around 1 in 3 women have suffered some form of sexual violence from men?
The stats on other kinds of abuse and violence are even higher.

news.un.org/en/story/2019/11/1052041

You think some women like being victims do you?

“ Not lies.”

I didn’t say the statistics were lies. I’m just not convinced by the studies.

Sorry just to clarify with my hypothetical prison situation I picked a figure out of the air as I had no clue what percentage of men are rapists ...clearly judging from other posts, I underestimated.

Statistically, males have more to fear from other males when out alone at night, and even that is reducing as overall crime rates continue to reduce

And women are far more at risk in their own homes! I don’t even know if the statistics on men being more likely to be attacked in the street than women, include rape and sexual assault.

One last point, it fucks me off no end when people refer to victims as being weak. Victims are often incredibly strong and brave, how dare you take away from their courage?

OP, some people are scared of dogs. Some have been bitten, some have been in situations that scared them, even if nothing bad happened, some don’t trust them because they’ve heard bad things. We all know all dogs aren’t “bad”, but that doesn’t help people who have a fear of them.

If your friend has never had a bad incident with a dog, but was walking down the street one night and spots a huge dog, on its own, walking towards him, would he honestly not have even and ounce of fear in him? Would it not cross his mind “what if this dog attacks me?”

What's the lie Hercules?

But a man in a suit is no less likely to be a rapist than a man in a tracksuit.
They're all men. They don't all pose the same risk but we don't know from looking which are the rapists and which aren't.
Good for you if you can find some neive comfort in tailoring.

@StreetwiseHercules I have three sons ad a daughter and a husband and my boys are still young but I think they are growing up to be men I we will be very proud of. You say the child is the father of the man.

I do not hate men. I fact I like most men I knOw - and still I don’t want a man I don’t know to walk behind me in a dark alley.