Male privilege: How can I explain to a man why some women are afraid of men?

[IvyBush123]

A make friend of mine talked about male privilege a few months ago or I was trying to explain it to him - but I don’t think he got what I was trying to say.
He was walking down the street in the evening, it was getting dark and there was nobody else in the street but a unaccompanied women who hurried and gave him fearful looks.
My friend is a harmless person, very nice, would never do anything bad to a woman. He was hurt by the fact she seemed to fear him.

I tried to explain to him that most men aren’t rapist but some are and women like to be on the safe side. Don’t think he got what I was trying to say.

I'm afraid one in a thousand is wishful thinking. Rapists are an order of magnitude more common, but, the vast majority are opportunistic, the stranger in an alley scenario is much less likely than the male friend you thought you could trust who wouldn't take no for an answer one.

@pallisers I think I understand what he is coming from. He looks rough - he is a gentle soul but he looks rough, has to do with the way he chooses to dress and his hair cut but also with the fact he is big and strong.
Probably it would be smart if he dressed different but he might have a reason to dress the way he does (I don’t know it) and I don’t think I have the right to tell hi: to dress differently.

Honestly I wouldn't bother. If a man in this day and age refuses to acknowledge the feelings of women, with this wealth of information around him, then he's unlikely to ever change. And it's not your problem, don't waste your time and energy on stupid men. It will drain you.

“I'm afraid one in a thousand is wishful thinking. Rapists are an order of magnitude more common,”

You could be right, but what is your evidence for this assertion?

the stranger in an alley scenario is much less likely than the male friend you thought you could trust who wouldn't take no for an answer one.

So very true.

And for every rapist there will be countless Nice Guys™️ who will ask why she was alone with the Bad Guy, why was she wearing that, why did she initiate it and then change her mind, and countless other questions that put the focus on the actions of the woman rather than the actions of the rapist.

I wouldn't waste your time. Anyone who needs it spelling out is being deliberately dense.

Men are afraid the women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.

That is male privilege
Thanks Margaret Atwood

You could be right, but what is your evidence for this assertion?

Statistics. Look them up yourself. I assume you have hands and access to the internet. Then ask yourself why so little research has been done on the PERPETRATORS of sexual violence, rather than the victims. Prevalence of pedophilia is somewhere between 1 and 5% of the male population and sexual violence against adult women is higher than that. Some estimates are 1 in 16, heavily disputed of course. A lot depends on the question. If you ask: are you a rapist? Or have you raped someone, it's tiny. If you ask, have you continued to have sex with a women knowing she didn't want to any more? Or if there were no consequences to your actions would you have sex with an unwilling woman? The numbers shoot up. To an extremely alarming number.

Not a very constructive way of engaging. Why are you othering and seeking to insult me based on my protected characteristics?

Why enter into a debate about the experiences of women and straight away take the viewpoint that we are mistaken in those experiences when it something you have no knowledge of?

Unless you were born and raised female then you have no idea what it is to have been socialised as a female and no idea about the expectations and demands you may encounter as a female. You cannot say our experiences are wrong or that we are mistaken, they are not your experiences, you do not know what it is to be female.

Demonstrating male privilege perfectly though, your viewpoint is correct and we are all wrong. Waiting for you to use "well actually..." in a sentence and then you'll have helped me fill in my misogyny bingo card.

You have to be genuinely hard of thinking to wonder why women - generally - tend to take precautions that men don't.

FYI banging on about protected characteristics makes you look like a lunatic when women are talking about a very real problem - every day women are killed, raped and assaulted by men. Toddle off and have a look at the government and ONS statistics if you need proof.

So bugger off with the NAMALT and come back and tell me more about how men are hard done by when you've been raped and beaten.

Unless you were born and raised female then you have no idea what it is to have been socialised as a female and no idea about the expectations and demands you may encounter as a female.

for some female, they are exactly the same as expectations and demands for males, but some posters like to be born victims.

the perpetual trope of women as weak victims does not serve women, or anyone

I am a big strong lass. Most men are stronger than me. If a man decides to have a go at me then I will almost certainly come out worst. A man who wants to, say, mug someone would know I am likely weaker than him.

My DH is average man sized. If a man decided to have a go at him it's 50:50 who would come out worst. A man who wants to, say, mug someone would know DH could likely do him harm and would be more wary.

It is common sense for me to be more worried than DH is about attack by random men.

@pallisers I think I understand what he is coming from. He looks rough - he is a gentle soul but he looks rough, has to do with the way he chooses to dress and his hair cut but also with the fact he is big and strong.

But what bit of big, strong, male, rough looking (by choice) whatever that is does he think should make the average woman feel "oh lovely a nice man, here's a smile and a wave"? Either he is thick or he is another man who thinks deep down that there should be a law that women must be nice to men.

I had pretty strong views as a kid about being in charge. Being sexually harassed and sexually threatened in the street by grown men from about 11 years old soon put me in my place. Thankfully it's mostly worn off now in my forties but not disappeared entirely.

for some female, they are exactly the same as expectations and demands for males, but some posters like to be born victims.

Are you directing that comment at those of us on this thread who have suffered sexual violence and as a result are nervous about their safety? I don't assume all men are rapists, but I do take precautions when I am on my own because I know - from bitter experience - what it's like to be on the receiving end of "attention" from someone who is far stronger than you are. I envy you your carefree assumptions - it must be nice to not ever worry about your own safety and not feel vulnerable.

I agree with @Hoik you cannot know what it is like to be a woman. Most women are afraid of big and strong men they do not know.
They know they could easily overpower them.
I do know most men aren’t rapists or thug. I think most women do know. But I also know some are.

But then I think it must also suck to be a man. It must suck to be my friend because he looks dangerous. It is not the first time he made a similar experience as he told me. It has to do with his looks that he did choose (being big and full of muscles, wide face, strong jar line). If I were him I would choose a different hair cut.
He looks aggressive - fortunately he isn’t but I am sure I am not the only one who has this impression.

My DH looks very intimidating. He's a big barrel chested fella, skin head, could probably take anyone on, but would no more fly to the moon than start a fight. Its more than his job is worth, and neither of us believes that violence is appropriate.

He is very aware that his appearance makes him a target on a night out, and when he is out with his friends who are all similarly built they are challenged by blokes who want to start something sinister. They don't engage and can deflect an inappropriate situation easily.

Collectively, they understand why they appear threatening to women and why other men see them as a challenge.

Male privilege is very real...their physiology is that generally they are bigger, faster, stronger, and those men who need it explaining to them need to educate themselves so they understand it. And if you hear the word "but..." more than once during your explanation, you're fighting a losing battle.

Take him to a gay bar and pay 5 men to harrass him for a few hours.

He'll understand soon enough.

There is a study (can't remember the name, think it was done at an american uni,next time I see it I will save it) that says that 6% of men are rapists.
So 6 in 100 not 1 in 1000.
Some of those men will be our boyfriends, our brothers, our friends, our fathers.
The point is we can't tell by looking, most of them will have someone who likes or loves them.
Unfortunately we don't brand rapists on the forehead.

for some female, they are exactly the same as expectations and demands for males, but some posters like to be born victims.

This is just nonsense. Men and women are different. I dislike the term male privilege and never use it but the experience of being female is different from the experience of being male from birth. Nobody ever looked at a baby boy and thought 'there's a human being who will be capable of having babies in adulthood'. That is the defining experience that is shared by all women from the wealthiest Hollywood star to the poorest woman living in a shanty town. No male human being shares this expectation or the variety of cultural baggage that goes with it. Nor does any woman experience the cultural baggage attached to being born male.

It is different. There are advantages and disadvantages but it isn't the same.

for some female, they are exactly the same as expectations and demands for males, but some posters like to be born victims

Society as a whole does not have the same expectations of men as it does of women.

says that 6% of men are rapists. So 6 in 100 not 1 in 1000. Some of those men will be our boyfriends, our brothers, our friends, our fathers.

And I bet that number would be higher if they were to look at how many men have seen "no" as a starting point for negotiations rather than a final answer, how many think sex is their given right within a marriage, how many think it's acceptable to have sex with a woman who is very drunk, and so on.

I think there's probably a lot of men who have committed rape but don't for a moment consider themselves a rapist because they didn't pounce on a stranger in a dark alley.

Nobody ever looked at a baby boy and thought 'there's a human being who will be capable of having babies in adulthood'. That is the defining experience that is shared by all women from the wealthiest Hollywood star to the poorest woman living in a shanty town. No male human being shares this expectation or the variety of cultural baggage that goes with it

I was reading an article online today about the SAG awards and there was a huge focus on Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. The comments section was overwhelming filled with comments about it being her own fault Brad Pitt left her because she knew he wanted children and didn't give him any so of course he would be easily stolen away by a woman happy to give him children. That she married someone else and didn't give him children either. That now she is "too old" she can't possibly give Brad Pitt children at this point so it is unfair on him to try and rekindle the relationship. That the reasons shes so focused on her career is because she doesn't have a family, these career women are all the same. Basically the comments section should have been entitled "let's all speculate on why Jennifer Aniston failed to have a baby with either of her husbands and how unfair it is on both men".