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Male privilege: How can I explain to a man why some women are afraid of men?

229 replies

IvyBush123 · 20/01/2020 19:48

A make friend of mine talked about male privilege a few months ago or I was trying to explain it to him - but I don’t think he got what I was trying to say.
He was walking down the street in the evening, it was getting dark and there was nobody else in the street but a unaccompanied women who hurried and gave him fearful looks.
My friend is a harmless person, very nice, would never do anything bad to a woman. He was hurt by the fact she seemed to fear him.

I tried to explain to him that most men aren’t rapist but some are and women like to be on the safe side. Don’t think he got what I was trying to say.

OP posts:
Graphista · 23/01/2020 01:37

First night I met my ex I was very drunk - for me I don't tend to get absolutely wrecked anyway - I was up for going back to his, he rejected the idea because he didn't consider I was with it enough to be sure that's what I wanted. THAT is what decent men do.

My brother on several occasions has stopped other men from grabbing bums etc on nights out - that's what decent men do.

A friend of mine upon another friend of his telling a rape "joke" stood up, told the guy he should be ashamed of himself for even knowing the "joke" and said he expected better of the group he was with a few of whom had sniggered at the "joke". The easy thing to do would then to have been to walk away but he refused to make it easy on them. He changed the subject then a few mins later they came back to it but agreeing it was out of order.

We NEED for MEN to challenge other men on this shit - not defending it @AnArrestableOffence

You've come onto this thread trying to appear reasonable and understanding but really you're little better than the likes of Hercules - you STILL think

A it's a woman's problem - no it's a societal one and as the perpetrating group especially a men's society one

B it's remotely acceptable to make the argument that too many women are "easily offended" no we're just sick of this shit

C that girls and women should tolerate "low level" misogyny and rape culture bollocks - how about NO! No more, enough!

Men - Time you got your shit together

STOP making excuses for poor behaviour,

STOP displaying poor behaviour

STOP ignoring it when it's your mates/relatives being sexist shits

Luckystar777 · 23/01/2020 06:59

Unless he has male friends who are all perfect angels, he DOES get it.

My dad and ex boyfriends is/were protective of me because they 'know what men are like'.

In rape the penis is used as a weapon and we never know what males would rape us - even the men we think we ''know well''.

SmileEachDay · 23/01/2020 18:01

Toxic masculinity is a problem everyone shares and it can be challenged to much greater effect together rather than by emphasising and exaggerating our differences and how it effects us

No.

It is not down to women to change toxic masculinity. That’s on men.

Stop killing us. Stop raping us. Stop expecting us to move up, move over and put up with your shit.

You sort it out.

Graphista · 24/01/2020 02:28

Stop killing us. Stop raping us. Stop expecting us to move up, move over and put up with your shit.

You sort it out.

HEAR HEAR

I am so sick of the excuses from men. Of the expectation that women sort this

NO!

Men - be decent fathers, uncles, older cousins and friends to the younger males YOU are influencing.

Russellbrandshair · 24/01/2020 06:46

*No.

It is not down to women to change toxic masculinity. That’s on men.

Stop killing us. Stop raping us. Stop expecting us to move up, move over and put up with your shit.

You sort it out*

APPLAUDS! Well said

Livingtothefull · 24/01/2020 11:04

'*are you one of those hot girls that look retarded?"

A bit silly, but probably shouldn't be a fireable offence*

It's not silly, it's sexist, sleazy as well as disablist. Not on, and I'd defend any employer wanting to get rid of a twat like that.'

Agreed. I am a manager, if one of my team used that phrase in a work context I would regard it as gross misconduct warranting formal disciplinary action probably ending in dismissal.

No way would I want someone like that working for me; nor would I want to work for any employer that would tolerate shit like that.

'*No.

It is not down to women to change toxic masculinity. That’s on men.

Stop killing us. Stop raping us. Stop expecting us to move up, move over and put up with your shit.

You sort it out*'

Agree with this wholeheartedly. Thank you SmileEachDay for your post.

GroggyLegs · 24/01/2020 11:27

Toxic masculinity is a problem everyone shares and it can be challenged to much greater effect together rather than by emphasising and exaggerating our differences and how it effects us.

Lovely, shall us women all arrange a meeting room, do the teas, make some cakes, hand out the flyers and set the agenda a inviting everyone to our 'Fighting Make Violence Together' summit?

Then the men on the panel can stand up and tell us why it's not up to them, they're only one man, they're not responsible, it affects them too and suggest what women should do about their own behaviour to stop it.

I'll look forward to that.

IvyCove · 24/01/2020 18:49

Amen

todayisnottuesday · 25/01/2020 16:15

Agreed. I am a manager, if one of my team used that phrase in a work context I would regard it as gross misconduct warranting formal disciplinary action probably ending in dismissal.

I also came on to say Amen! ..

AnArrestableOffence · 25/01/2020 16:56

@Livingtothefull
This was said on a dating app. The woman who it was said to, found out who the man's employer was and directly contacted them on a public forum. Not the same thing.

Livingtothefull · 26/01/2020 00:10

AnArrestableOffence, in certain contexts there is still a potential disciplinary issue even if the post wasn't actually made at work. If the woman found out about his employer then other people can too; if there is a repetitional risk then an employer could be entitled to act. Many employment contracts include a clause to this effect.

Regardless: the original poster's claim was that the comment was merely 'a bit silly'; whereas I and others argue that it was appalling, unacceptable and offensive.

SunnyHiker · 13/02/2025 21:16

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SunnyHiker · 13/02/2025 21:39

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MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2025 22:02

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If 90% of violent crime and almost all sex offending was committed by people of colour, we would be having that conversation.

It's frankly a bit of a racist argument.

SunnyHiker · 13/02/2025 22:24

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SunnyHiker · 13/02/2025 22:27

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5128gap · 13/02/2025 22:47

Ask him if he saw a huge rottweiler rushing towards him in a park and jumped out of the way, looking startled, whether he'd expect the owner to be 'hurt' because Roxy wouldn't hurt a fly.

latetothefisting · 14/02/2025 00:00

IvyBush123 · 20/01/2020 20:51

Thanks. You are nearly writing faster than I can read but I find it very helpful.

It’s true what some people are saying: men are afraid of other men too. Dh is far more afraid of other men than of women (but he doesn’t show it by giving them fearful looks).

But I get my friend too: most men aren’t rapists. How many are? Maybe one in thousand and I guess it must suck if you are a man and people look at you like you are dangerous just because of your gender.. or because you have a buzz cut... or wear a hoodie.

One in a thousand is huge underestimate
there have been several studies
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/a-third-of-male-university-students-say-they-would-rape-a-woman-if-there-no-were-no-consequences-9978052.html

and
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4484276/

with broadly similar stats - one (2014) that a third of the males interviewed would rape a woman if there were guaranteed to be no consequences, the other (2004) showed that 35% had committed sexual assault since the age of 14 (they were college-aged at the time) and 14% did so within the one year time span between the first survey and the second (i.e.after they had taken part in the first survey!)

1 in 4 women have been the victim of sexual violence since the age of 16, and 1 in 6 children. The vast, vast proportion of assaulters were men. Assuming equal m/f population, for your 'one in a thousand' stat to be true, that 1 man would have to assault at approximately 250 women and 166 children - how would most men have the opportunity (and time!) to do so, even if they had the inclination?

latetothefisting · 14/02/2025 00:04

funnily enough I saw something today referring to a quote Oscar de la Renta said to a model walking in one of his catwalk shows
"Walk as if there are 3 men walking behind you"
While he meant 'walk sexily' that is not what would come to most women's minds!

Men.Just.Don't.Get.It

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2025 01:20

Don't box me in as a male

I didn't realize you're a bloke. A bloke who came into a broadly female forum and woke up a 5 year old thread to tell us off for understanding that men are, as a class, hazardous.

Do you spend any time on the rest of the male internet telling men not to be hazardous? That would be super useful.

Howzaboutye · 14/02/2025 13:18

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2025 01:20

Don't box me in as a male

I didn't realize you're a bloke. A bloke who came into a broadly female forum and woke up a 5 year old thread to tell us off for understanding that men are, as a class, hazardous.

Do you spend any time on the rest of the male internet telling men not to be hazardous? That would be super useful.

MrsTP gets it spot on as usual.

SunnyHiker · 14/02/2025 13:54

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SunnyHiker · 14/02/2025 14:11

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The13thFairy · 14/02/2025 14:30

He knows why - don't believe for a second that he doesn't. But he's enjoying your earnest explanations as you dance attendance on him, in the same way as many people like listening to a kitten mewing. Please find another way to spend your time.

Bedecked · 14/02/2025 14:33

BaolFan · 20/01/2020 20:07

You don't have to.

You tell him that women rely on their learned experience - that some men are dangerous and that there is no way to tell which ones are and which aren't. So your own self-preservation instincts tell you that if you are in a vulnerable position - such as a quiet street after dark with nobody else around - then the most sensible thing to do is put your keys between your fingers and walk/run as fast as you can to somewhere busy and brightly lit.

Tell him that if he finds this troubling then he should become an ally and support women and girls. And part of that support is that sometimes women and girls are going to find him intimidating and a threat simply because he is male and they are all too aware that they are not as strong or fast.

1? More like 1 in 10 or more.