Police allegation

[Becauseiam]

A serious one here.
Our child has accused dh of sexual abuse. I have reason to believe that this didn't happen but they are resentful for being treated emotionally cold by him - as a response to being scared and overwhelmed by the child's behaviour that put themself and all family at risk.
Of course, I am implicated as I was in the home when the allegation happened but I would not be with someone who I had an inkling or fleeting thought that he would be capable of that let alone know and hide.
Dh doesn't see his responses as cold. It has extended, not as extreme, but still significantly to other children. The other children do not think kindly of him. Neither do the school, neighbours, family or anyone really due to this. The police will find this out.
I feel like dh has dug himself the hole but does not deserve to be charged for something he didn't do. I have felt resentful for his treatment of the children for some time although there are better times too. I do believe he has treated me badly too however I think I am too close in the situation to see the full extent.
I speak to him about each situation and he has full logic behind what he says and does and thinks he is genuinely doing good (tough love, strict to keep them in line as they need to learn etc) and he is very likely to end up homeless and suicidal if I ended the relationship. He has no one else and suffers undiagnosed anxiety and depression.
How do I handle this?

She's tried to go running back to my dad and begging for forgiveness - would you do that?

Honestly? I’ve done stuff that people may not expect. He was my dad and I loved him. My mum was never there for me, I don’t think she really liked me much and in a weird way he showed me the attention I needed. So yes, I looked forward to seeing him as a kid, spending time with him, I loved him. I even moved in with him for a few months in my early 20s.

It was then that I started to come to terms with things. We both loved horror books and I asked him for one to read, he gave me one where a man brain washes a woman into thinking she’s having sex with her father when having sex with him, and how even though she’d be disgusting with herself, she also loved it.

That was the start of the spiral for me, I got help and haven’t spoken to him or seen him in around 20 years. But yes, I accepted help from him, I had a close relationship with him..

Again, I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m saying I hope you’re right.

Being emotionally cold towards someone does not equate to a sexual assault allegation. Believe your child. The memories of the circumstances surrounding the assault can often be blurry, but know, the memory of being fucking sexually assaulted is never blurred.

Also, being accused of things in the past and the police concluding it didn't happen is unlikely to be the case. It means that they have too little evidence to prosecute. Lack of evidence does not mean someone is not guilty.

@differentnameforthis you don't have to take my word for it I guess. I know her more than anyone in this world. She's spent the most time with me. If she was abused as a child by my dad, she would not have moved half way across the world to live with him for years - you just don't do things like that.

@mamabear2409 I don't want you to be wrong. I don't want your sister to have been abused. But victims of sexual assault can behave very differently to how we would expect.

It isn't unusual for them to retract and say they made it up when everyone is against them.

Watch Unbelievable on Netflix. It's a true story.

@mamabear2409 she would not have moved half way across the world to live with him for years - you just don't do things like that.

Again, you are wrong. Very wrong. Why do you think DV victims don't leave their abusers? Why do you think abused children don't run away/hate their parents?

The Wests mean anything to you? Children abused for years and didn't tell anyone. Their sibling went missing (killed by Fred West) and still they didn't raise the alarm.

I could cite many more real life examples to you that I have first hand experience of (like how I kept returning to my neighbors house despite feeling uneasy) and others, but nothing is going to convince you.

I really have other things to do, op. But I will sign off with the very first words I said to you.. you are very naive. That's not an insult, btw, being naive isn't a bad thing.

I really have other things to do, op. Sorry, not op that was for mamabear2409

Two things here spring to mind:

1. As other have said, you need to support your child, not your husband;
2. Let’s say hypothetically that your child is lying, then you need to support your child! For a child to lie about something this serious there must be reasons and they need help and support!

Sorry if I have missed this in your posts op, but do you have younger children at home, or are there any children that your husband is in contact with? As if there are, they are at potential risk. I’m assuming the police will have alerted social work if this is the case, but in case not, you HAVE to assume that there is a risk, unless proven otherwise. I’ve worked with many partners of offenders and unfortunately, they tend not to be good at judging the risk from their partner. I’m sorry you are going through this, but in order to maintain relationships with your children, you have to be open to the probability of it being true. Research with people who have been sexually abused suggests that one of the greatest traumas around disclosing abuse is being disbelieved by the nonabusing parent.

Clearly those who have commented think they know my life and my sister 🤷🏽‍♀️ never did any of you stop to think that there ARE horrible people in this world that would say anything to get their way. You don't know my sister so stop assuming she has been abused. I have never been my dads biggest defender and honestly if for a second I thought he had abused her I would've cut ties and forced her to go to the police. She didn't come out and say she'd been abused she had messaged my Aunty saying "I don't expose but he's playing me now" and it went from there. Then she went on about how he goes to strip bars and cheats on his wife whilst at the same time saying oh and he's been abusing me all these years.

To each his own, you all can believe what you want. Not like one person on Mumsnet having an opinion is the end of the world eh.

@AverilCorin

Just wanted to say thank you again, I called the GUM clinic and although I was a complete stuttering, bumbling fool on the phone, they are having someone call me back who can help.

I’m honestly not sure I would have done anything to get help if you hadn’t told me that. X

Oh and @differentnameforthis you most certainly might have better things to do but you still sat there writing paragraphs. You know what, I may be naive. My husband says it all the time. But only for caring about my sister for so long up until she made those accusations. Everyone has cut her off other than my mum who states unconditional love as the reason.

OP:
I suggest you ignore the poster making it all about a sister she hates

The vast majority of allegations, especially from kids who have left home, are true

Ask the police for help to get him out of the house, because he is coercing you all
Now your DD has made the allegation, you need to safeguard your other kids at home
Primarily from him, but also to show SS that you can be trusted to put them first

Otherwise you risk losing them - is your DH really worth that ?

@BigChocFrenzy you cheeky mare! If anything I have a thing or 2 in common with OP. Like you said 'vast majority' - there's always a small minority so GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!

Op, you are going to need lots of support as are your dc, adult or otherwise.

It may help you to see your gp and ask him/her to refere you for counselling.

If you have dc that are still children then contacting your local MASH (multi agency safeguarding hub), they will be able to get agencies such as ss to help and support you and your dc.

Contact the dc school, collage etc to see what they can do to help via pastrol care etc. Also so that the teachers can understand what your dc may be going through.

There are organisations such as LifeCentre that can help people who have been sexually abused and people whos loved ones have gone through sexual abuse.

Womans Aid will be able to offer you help and support so that you can exit the abusive relationship safely.

Do you have real life support? You say that friends and family do not like your abusive husband, ask for help and support from them. They are most likely to want to be there for you and your dc.

Eat well, soups amd smoothies are easy to digest and will help tp keep tour body strong. Your immune system will be impacted at some point, multi vit and minerals will help arm you against illness.

Drink lots of water, stay hydrated. Teas such as valerian root may help you to sleep, you are going to need to sleep. Dreams are the brains way of filtering and processing the day.

Try to go out for walks, even if you dont really feel like it. Walking helps to keep the the body and mind healthy, being amongst nature is particularly good.

I hope that you and your dc, especially the dc that has made the disclosure can stay safe, heal and get though this awful time.

@AngelsSins I am so glad something good has come out of this thread! I have found this so incredibly hard to read and have found a lot of the replies very upsetting. I am so sorry you also had similar experiences and I hope your symptoms can get sorted once you've seen the doctor.

you cheeky mare! If anything I have a thing or 2 in common with OP. Like you said 'vast majority' - there's always a small minority so GET OVER YOURSELF
you seem rather volatile and aggressive/defensive mamabear

@LakieLady I a, happy to talk privately as I'm wary of posting certain things on here but I will say that dealing with what happened, talking about it and getting help might seem worse than living with it but ime it is worth it in the end. PM me if you wish and take care .

@AngelsSins your post was so hard to read and evoked difficult to deal with feelings in me but I am so glad you are freer now and will get the medical help you need. Take care. .

@AverilCorin I’m so sorry you’ve found it so upsetting, but you helped me, and you may very well help a few others who see your post and can’t reply, so please be proud of yourself for coming back to post. Xx

@SunshineCake, I’m sorry, I find it weirdly easy to talk about at times, like I’m telling a story that happened to someone else, I really should have posted a warning first! I hope you’re getting any help you need too, look after yourself. Xx

I think this is the first thread I’ve ever posted Xs on

@SunshineCake, will pm you, and thanks.

There has been so much kindness on this thread. I find it very touching, so and to you all.

And to the OP, I really hope that things get resolved in the best possible way, and that you and your children get all the help and support you need.

I am so sorry to read this OP. What a mess!

I've spoken to the only family member I have really. I have no friends as very isolated. They've been calling around for advice on my behalf, because I can't in front of him. I'm meeting them tomorrow to make a plan on what to do.
Thanks again.

I’m a csa survivor. It did happen but memory can play tricks on you with the details - specific dates etc

Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

My mother doesn’t believe me either and that’s almost as hurtful as the abuse.

If the child is now adult and out of the family home they have nothing to gain from a false accusation.

Have they recently had dc of their own?

Because it was after having dd I first told anyone “official” and was told this was really common and that many survivors, especially where the abuser is still in their lives and would normally be in contact with the new child, do this because like me they start to worry about protecting that child from the abuser.

I was told it would not be worth my while pursuing as my word against his.

Believe your child and do all that’s needed to prove that support.

“If most people's child accused their Father of this, the immediate (normal) reaction would be horror and then concern...for the CHILD. No matter HOW old!” I wish this were true. It’s actually really common for the other parent NOT to believe it.

“They have accused people before of various things - not in the family - that were investigated and said to have not done it.” Also really common among abuse victims.

You need to leave him, he’s so clearly abusive. Frankly I for one don’t give a damn what happens to him. You need to be safe and you need to support your child.

@AngelsSins no need for an apology but I much appreciated the kindness behind it. Take good care of yourself. While detachment can be a good thing, make sure it isn't at the expense of your future well being.