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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Police allegation

241 replies

Becauseiam · 20/01/2020 00:02

A serious one here.
Our child has accused dh of sexual abuse. I have reason to believe that this didn't happen but they are resentful for being treated emotionally cold by him - as a response to being scared and overwhelmed by the child's behaviour that put themself and all family at risk.
Of course, I am implicated as I was in the home when the allegation happened but I would not be with someone who I had an inkling or fleeting thought that he would be capable of that let alone know and hide.
Dh doesn't see his responses as cold. It has extended, not as extreme, but still significantly to other children. The other children do not think kindly of him. Neither do the school, neighbours, family or anyone really due to this. The police will find this out.
I feel like dh has dug himself the hole but does not deserve to be charged for something he didn't do. I have felt resentful for his treatment of the children for some time although there are better times too. I do believe he has treated me badly too however I think I am too close in the situation to see the full extent.
I speak to him about each situation and he has full logic behind what he says and does and thinks he is genuinely doing good (tough love, strict to keep them in line as they need to learn etc) and he is very likely to end up homeless and suicidal if I ended the relationship. He has no one else and suffers undiagnosed anxiety and depression.
How do I handle this?

OP posts:
Reginabambina · 20/01/2020 09:59

I know someone who was in a similar situation. She was the adult child that did the reporting. She was prompted to report because her sister reached the age she was when the abuse started.

ToooRevealing · 20/01/2020 09:59

No, it isn't right that stopping someone being overly cruel and strict to your child will make you responsible if your child goes off the rails. That you are even asking this makes me think you have a skewed sense of what's normal and may have been abused or groomed yourself.

if your husband was abusing the children, they may have acted out in many dramatic and chaotic ways, to which your husband then responded cruelly. Can you be sure it didn't happen that way round, OP?

WeakAsIAm · 20/01/2020 10:00

He said if I stopped him 'being a parent' which meant to him being strict but in reality, it was cruel, then any consequences would be on me.

Am I reading this right ? You allowed your DH to abuse 'the child' because it kept you safe ? Confused

I hope not, but if I'm right that poor poor child hopefully far away from both of you and safe at last

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2020 10:00

None of what you've said makes him a good father, husband or person.

Why are you with him? Do you still have children at home?

Tartyflette · 20/01/2020 10:03

Your DH sounds truly dreadful, what used to be called a martinet, an over-harsh disciplinarian who was all 'my way or the highway' and he has guilted or manipulated you into accepting this.

You couldn't and still can't see straight, I'm afraid.
And NO it would definitely not have been true that if you didn't allow him to parent like that then the 'consequences' whatever that means, would have been your fault.

I really believe this kind of behaviour is abusive.
I agree with others that you have put him first, as you probably always have. It sounds as if your DC had an awful upbringing and childhood.
Try believing them for a change.

Quartz2208 · 20/01/2020 10:03

He has and is abusive to your children. He has caused such psychological issues in your child that best case scenario it has manifested in these accusations. This child was the one that was highlighted and picked upon the most

He has brought this on himself. I suspect he has been and still is abusive to you. Yet still your loyalities are split.

Put your children first and get them out and support them.

UndertheCedartree · 20/01/2020 10:05

You need to believe your child. Of course you don't think he is capable of doing it otherwise you wouldn't be with him/leave your DC everyone thinks that until it happens. The fact that your other DC and others don't think kindly of him says a lot. At the end of the day your DC is in desperate need of your help if it happened or not. Home life is obviously not good. Your post talks only about your DH - you don't seem to care much about your DC. You are at risk of losing them to SS if you can't demonstrate you can safeguard them by getting DH to move out. He is emotionally blackmailing you by saying he will be homeless and suicidal, I'm afraid. Open your eyes!

HollowTalk · 20/01/2020 10:05

Have you ever thought that it might be the sexual abuse which led to your DC having so many problems?

Quartz2208 · 20/01/2020 10:06

Hold on he has said you would be implicated because you were there at the time. This makes me think you really do need to take a long hard look and how much the power punishments he inflicted did take on sexual undertones because I suspect it may well be true

Original poster
Becauseiam · 20/01/2020 10:06

Weakasiam - not to keep me safe, no. To keep the children safe. The consequences of dc harming themselves or another dc.

OP posts:
Danni91 · 20/01/2020 10:07

Potentionally if the child had accused other people in the past, maybe it was a cry for help if they fear their dad so much.
As in - Mum this IS happening, please ask me to tell you more

I think it's a hard choice because of course you don't want to think that of your husband (no one would!) But to me it sounds your husband has been more detached to this child compared to the others ? For this reason abuse could be possible.

I think you need to pick child first or live with your choice of standing by your husband. Your husband could forgive you if you are wrong, your child never will.

Awittyusernameishardtofind · 20/01/2020 10:08

”This is quite literally the child that called wolf and I'm trying to work it out.”

We must remember this story differently OP because it turned out something terrible did happen to the boy who cried wolf.

Troubled children are ideal prey for manipulative child abusers for the very reason that no one believes them. They act out and lie about small things because they can’t tell anyone what’s really going on.

He’s really messed with your head. I think you need to go to therapy to unpick this yourself. He’s pulling all of the strings here.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/01/2020 10:12

"they are resentful for being treated emotionally cold by him - as a response to being scared and overwhelmed by the child's behaviour that put themself and all family at risk."

So the child did something dangerous/ risky/ horrible as a child, that resulted in your husband being fearful that they would continue with this behaviour, and so he turned into an overbearing disciplinarian who was cold to the point of cruelty?

What on earth could the child have done to have had that effect? Or was he just using that as an excuse to be a cruel martinet?

Hepsibar · 20/01/2020 10:14

Support your child. Your DH needs to move out TODAY.

Lipz · 20/01/2020 10:17

Why don't you speak to your child and ask them?

No point second guessing.

Your child is the priority here. You need to clear your head of the " oh he would never do this".

Speak to your child now.

billy1966 · 20/01/2020 10:18

It sounds as if you have very damaged child as a result of an abusive childhood.

It sounds as if you have stood by and allowed this.

I think you need to have a good hard look at yourself.

I hope the police fully investigate and your husband gets what is coming for him.

Your poor children.

Quartz2208 · 20/01/2020 10:20

But you havent kept them safe. Reading between the lines they have grown up with cruel sadistic punishments inflicted on them that may well have sexual undertones in it.

puds11 · 20/01/2020 10:20

I’m confused. What is it your DH has done to make numerous people think he is bad? What are the behaviours you’re talking about?

It’s sad you’re so willing to discount your child.

Legoandloldolls · 20/01/2020 10:21

If the child is a adult now I would be extremely cautious about it beind attention seeking.

My then 13/14 ds made a allegation about his dad. I could not confirm nor deny as ds is not within my sight 24/7. I said it was unlikely due to what was said, I would have heard.

Ds said he made it up after ss got involved. The case was opened and closed. But I knew ds wasnt in a good place and i had to step my game up for him even though he was already draining me dry.

Malicious allegations after a child has left home is worrying. Because surely it isn't a young teenage cry for more love and attention by this stage? Your dh sounds very damaging to i presume your bio kids?

You risk loosing them forever if you close your mind off or minimise what's going on

Beautiful3 · 20/01/2020 10:21

No body wants to talk about being sexually abused. It feels shameful and dirty, these memories get pushed deep to the back of the mind. Until they appear when in a relaxed state. You ought to believe your gown up child. She/He has nothing to gain from this. Going to the police feels stressful and intimidating. You should be questioning your husband and supporting your grown up child. What is wrong with you?

JohnVirgo · 20/01/2020 10:23

Not willing to answer re child's age?

The 'boy that cried wolf' thing - has it not occurred that abuse may be the reason for all the previous behaviours?

tenlittlecygnets · 20/01/2020 10:24

Why is your dh 'emotionally cold'? It's significant that you are the only person who seems to be supporting him.

What kind of relationship do you have with your dc?

What did your dc do that 'put themself and all family at risk'?

It all sounds very difficult, OP. Sounds like you could do with counselling to unpick your feelings BUT your dc needs support.

If your dh did this, then that is terrible. If your dh didn't do this, what would motivate your dc to accuse him? Has he been arrested? What have the police said?

MaggieMcSplash · 20/01/2020 10:24

You believe your child and support your child! Let the police investigate. I can tell you now then know when a child is telling the truth! A lie is hard to maintain and to talk about.

TatianaLarina · 20/01/2020 10:26

He said if I stopped him 'being a parent' which meant to him being strict but in reality, it was cruel, then any consequences would be on me. That was the only way to control the situation and it would be my fault if I didn't let him.

Right here it’s clear that DH is emotionally abusive to you whatever else is going on.

You’ve got yourself a DH that no-one can stand - teachers, neighbours apparently including his own kid. Why?

Jellybeansincognito · 20/01/2020 10:27

Your DH sounds awful.
Why is this so hard for you to piece together?

For goodness sake- support your children