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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Police allegation

241 replies

Becauseiam · 20/01/2020 00:02

A serious one here.
Our child has accused dh of sexual abuse. I have reason to believe that this didn't happen but they are resentful for being treated emotionally cold by him - as a response to being scared and overwhelmed by the child's behaviour that put themself and all family at risk.
Of course, I am implicated as I was in the home when the allegation happened but I would not be with someone who I had an inkling or fleeting thought that he would be capable of that let alone know and hide.
Dh doesn't see his responses as cold. It has extended, not as extreme, but still significantly to other children. The other children do not think kindly of him. Neither do the school, neighbours, family or anyone really due to this. The police will find this out.
I feel like dh has dug himself the hole but does not deserve to be charged for something he didn't do. I have felt resentful for his treatment of the children for some time although there are better times too. I do believe he has treated me badly too however I think I am too close in the situation to see the full extent.
I speak to him about each situation and he has full logic behind what he says and does and thinks he is genuinely doing good (tough love, strict to keep them in line as they need to learn etc) and he is very likely to end up homeless and suicidal if I ended the relationship. He has no one else and suffers undiagnosed anxiety and depression.
How do I handle this?

OP posts:

champagneandfromage50 · 20/01/2020 00:37

I can't imagine how much courage for your DD to tell you something like that. Why would you have reason to believe she would lie? The situation is you either believe your DC or you don't. Him not being pleasant or cold when they were younger isn't a reason for her to decide to 'make' this up. You need to stop making excuses for him and support your DD

christmasstress · 20/01/2020 00:38

Why don't you believe your DC?!

SisterAgatha · 20/01/2020 00:39

Well you have reacted. By posting on a parenting forum about your husbands and your own feelings without any ounce of recognition for your child’s position in this.

Even if he didnt do it he sounds like an arsehole. No one likes him. Your own child has potentially made up a lie about him or is telling the truth about it and your post is entirely about how he will end up homeless and he’s depressed and basically posters are failing to understand why you don’t seem to care about how your child is feeling?

champagneandfromage50 · 20/01/2020 00:39

Interesting that your DD went to the police and didn't speak to you. I missed that recent update . She clearly didn't think you would believe her. If you stayed with a man who wasn't nice to his DC I am not surprised they don't trust you

cabbageking · 20/01/2020 00:39

You don't believe your son!
Are you so sure of this that you would risk being wrong and losing him forever?

I think going to the Police to report historic sexual abuse takes guts.

The Police will investigate and you wait to see what can be proven, what is likely to be true and what can be proved to be untrue.

You shouldn't be discussing it with others either.

SisterAgatha · 20/01/2020 00:40

In fact, I’m out. Continue bad mumming. I wish your poor kid the best of luck.

WhereTheCowsGoBong · 20/01/2020 00:40

pegasusreturns

The DH has been treating their child coldly? Maybe because the child has been alleging this? Even so, it is not comparable to sexual abuse.

My father was falseley accused of sexually abusing me due to a teacher at school who had concerns about my behaviour. He never touched me sexually. He WAS abusive, physically verbally and emotionally and I was terrified of him and still suffer complex ptsd BUT he did not deserve to be accused of what he didn't do.

Retroflex · 20/01/2020 00:41

It's a very difficult situation for all involved. I am however wondering if your guilt that your husband has undiagnosed depression and anxiety, and that he might kill himself is holding you back from having an open mind? Perhaps you've been conditioned to believe that his abuse is just "tough love" and "coldness" perhaps not... But with so many people not liking your husband, including your other children , and now this allegation, I can't help but think about the old saying; there's no smoke without fire

WhereTheCowsGoBong · 20/01/2020 00:44

It IS rare for children, even adult children to lie about this. It happens but it is rare. I would say it suggests some sort of emotional or mental breakdown on part of the false accuser, maybe. Very sad for them as well. However, none of us know all the facts here. none of us. and becauseiam is not to blame here. This has come out of the blue to her.

This must be a horrendous thing for you to deal with becauseiam. I wish I had some sensible helpful advice or reassurance to give you but I want you

Doyouavocado · 20/01/2020 00:45

Your post is really difficult to read

WhereTheCowsGoBong · 20/01/2020 00:45

Sorry, becauseiam, I meant to say I want you to know that I see that these situations are rarely black and white, and I feel for you.

Wishing you all the best with this.

BumbleBeee69 · 20/01/2020 00:46

Save your sympathy for your Child not your DH ... it's ironic you list your 'vulnerable' Childs faults and flaws.. text book examples of a traumatised Child but instead you see these as reasons for your Child lying...

Your priority should be your Child having finally found the courage to speak up...

If your DH feels suicidal... tell him to dial 999

BumbleBeee69 · 20/01/2020 00:47

So he WAS an abuser... just not sexually ?

MaisWeee · 20/01/2020 00:49

Are you accused also?

UYScuti · 20/01/2020 00:50

Have to say that first post is very strange worded😳

wildcherries · 20/01/2020 00:52

"The child." WTF?

Your husband isn't the only one that appears cold. I hope it's shock.

BillHadersNewWife · 20/01/2020 00:54

If most people's child accused their Father of this, the immediate (normal) reaction would be horror and then concern...for the CHILD. No matter HOW old!

What is wrong with you!?

ioioitsoff · 20/01/2020 00:54

Believe your child, they and your other children must come first. If you support your husband over your children then you will lose them when social services get involved.

WhereTheCowsGoBong · 20/01/2020 00:56

Yes BumbleBeee69 he was an abuser. In the early 80s though I don't think even severe psychological torture was enough to meet criteria for police action. There was physical violence but not that often. The threat of it potentialy happening was the worst bit..... yes, I wish my father had been kept far away from us and I had been kept safe, but looking back I would feel a lot of guilt had I accused of soemthing sexual because that would be a lie.

I was only about 5 or 6 when this happened. Teacher got worried because I said things that were a bit "off." I can sort of see why she might have worried, it wasn;t a malicious accusation. But after it happened, even though the police and social services closed the case, although he had always been abusive to all of us (sister and mother too) and still was, he did turn against me. Some time after this I was sexualy assualted by more than one person and when it came out my father did not believe me and actually mocked me and screamed at me for ever speaking about it. Because although the teacher made the allegation, in my father's mind, I was the liar for making "off" comments. He didn't believe me when I developed a serious illness years later and kept telling me to snap out of it, I was a disgrace to him....

BumbleBeee69 · 20/01/2020 00:56

"The child." WTF?

Classic detachment terminology.... likely followed the 'cold parenting' technique too by the sounds of OP's DH

BumbleBeee69 · 20/01/2020 00:58

Christ .. I'm sorry to read that WhereTheCowsGoBong.. those 'years' were not so long ago either... I apologise for sounding flippant.. It was unintentional..

alliwantisagoodnightssleep · 20/01/2020 00:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

joystir59 · 20/01/2020 01:01

It takes huge courage to go to the police and make an allegation of historical sexual abuse. I know because I have done this. The police will have initially interviewed your child to decide if a crime has been committed and they will then have done a lengthy gruelling very detailed video'd ABE (achieving best evidence) interview with your child which will have required your child to go into extreme detail about the abuse. It would be quite obvious to the police if your child was lying about the abuse. It is rare for such allegations to be false. The police believe your child, which is why they have contacted you to see what additional evidence you can provide to see if they have a strong enough case to prosecute. You need to start believing your child.

BlankTimes · 20/01/2020 01:07

I'd believe my child.

I'd also want to know the reason behind DH's behaviour which you described as emotionally cold. What did your child do to put themself and all family at risk that resulted in your DH being emotionally cold to all the children?
what has he been doing to affect so many people for you to say this about him? Dh doesn't see his responses as cold. It has extended, not as extreme, but still significantly to other children. The other children do not think kindly of him. Neither do the school, neighbours, family or anyone really due to this

Does this have any relevance to the accusations? If so, you need to tell the Police.

Gingerkittykat · 20/01/2020 01:08

Can I ask how old the child is?

I'm concerned that you said your DH was emotionally cold to the child after an incident. What did the child do to trigger a reaction like that in him?

You have talked about your husband's feelings and concern from him but what will the impact on your child be of they are not believed?

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