Police allegation

[Becauseiam]

A serious one here.
Our child has accused dh of sexual abuse. I have reason to believe that this didn't happen but they are resentful for being treated emotionally cold by him - as a response to being scared and overwhelmed by the child's behaviour that put themself and all family at risk.
Of course, I am implicated as I was in the home when the allegation happened but I would not be with someone who I had an inkling or fleeting thought that he would be capable of that let alone know and hide.
Dh doesn't see his responses as cold. It has extended, not as extreme, but still significantly to other children. The other children do not think kindly of him. Neither do the school, neighbours, family or anyone really due to this. The police will find this out.
I feel like dh has dug himself the hole but does not deserve to be charged for something he didn't do. I have felt resentful for his treatment of the children for some time although there are better times too. I do believe he has treated me badly too however I think I am too close in the situation to see the full extent.
I speak to him about each situation and he has full logic behind what he says and does and thinks he is genuinely doing good (tough love, strict to keep them in line as they need to learn etc) and he is very likely to end up homeless and suicidal if I ended the relationship. He has no one else and suffers undiagnosed anxiety and depression.
How do I handle this?

You sound so very cowed by him.

He is an abuser.

Now normally I would say believe your child.

BUUUUT.. your child sounds like my sister. She accused my dad of sexual abuse. Funniest thing is my dad was never able to handle either of us alone when we were younger and therefore if mum was busy or had to go out, we'd be dropped at my granny's. My parents have been divorced for a very long time and we barely saw him and never stayed at his for holidays or weekends. I knew it was a lie from the moment I heard it! So did everyone else. She was angry at not getting her way and has a history or manipulative behaviour. She's gone from daddy's little girl to being chucked out of the apartment he owns and having the car he brought for her taken away. Nothing she doesn't deserve. He's chucked money at her since he's done well business wise and she's fully taken advantage. She's admitted to my mum she was lying and is now telling people she never said it on the first place LOL. I have proof. She is an awful person! OP, don't get dragged down by this, if you're child is anything like my sister then I do get it. If your unsure, err on the side of caution and stay neutral?

Believe your child and make your awful husband leave tonight

The husband is abusive, that in itself is reason enough to get him gone

I investigate child abuse. Just because you think someone is a good person does NOT mean they would not abuse a child! I have come across countless mums whose children have been abused in the family home when all was apparently "ok" within the family. Abusers normally are opportunistic - it only takes minutes to abuse a child when a parent is out shopping or working nights or away for a night out etc. Abusers are normal people in our community - they look the same as everyone else and are fathers, brothers, uncles, aunts, mothers and sisters!

Professionals can sometimes test a child's account to see if it is credible but will always believe the child initially and quite rightly so.There is support for your DH - he can see his GP for support and there are organisations such as the Samaritans who he can talk to anonymously.

Your first priority though is to safeguard your child and any other children you have and to follow professional advice.

He is clearly abusive towards you and your children, even if he has not sexually abused any of them. If your grown up son/daughter is getting back at him for other abuse through a false allegation, then they still need your support, and your husband is still abusive.

Mental and physical child abuse has been proven to do very similar harm to child sexual abuse. An man who would abuse their children in one way is much more likely to abuse in another.

Women's Aid, particularly the local centre, should be able to support you now you know this is what is going on.

With regards to the sexual abuse possibly being untrue due to some details, perhaps about time, place etc. Sometimes survivors get confused about these things because it was so traumatic and is muddled up with other childhood recollections, especially if it happened over a long time period, but they have a very clear memory of the abuse itself. They can have very clear recollections of what happened, but not the room, their age, the house they lived in at the time as the traumatic memory is something so sharp and separate from other experiences. They might even have suppressed it away from the rest of their memories, so it exists outside the rest of the chronology of their lives and they had to guess how old they were etc.

You deserve support, and I think a good counsellor (Women's Aid can help with finding one) should be able to help you begin to process all these overwhelming things going on.

@IHateUserName I think posters need to be more compassionate to the op.

It because posters don't have the grace to read all the op's posts, at the very minimum. If they took the time, they would have seen it all unfold.

@mamabear2409

You are so very naive if you think abuse only happens when two people are alone. Plenty of people can recount being abused while other people were present, adults included.

How do I handle this?
What do you mean?
Tell the truth as the investigation continues.

@differentnameforthis I never said that was the case for everyone. Just MY family situation. I am not naive at all and don't appreciate what your insinuating.

There's stuff he's done to me. Never physical, never obvious.
He never did anything physical to anyone
You cant know that for 100% though.

Are there other children at home now? Do they know?

@mamabear2409 You said your father was never alone with your sister, therefore could not have abused her. I pointed out that you were naive to think that.

You only know what your sister told you. Did she make it up, or retract it? Abused people will often retract allegations when they get so worn down by the people around them.

FWIW I was abused by a neighbour. In a houseful of people. And I told no one. Because I didn't think I'd be believed. I told my sister a few years ago, she said "well he never did it to me, so..." and my brother said he didn't know who I was talking about. But it was his best friend's dad. I dropped it then, I tested the waters and no one believed me.

And advising someone to remain neutral against their child's allegations of sexual assault against a father so cold and horrible is beyond awful.

Im going to struggle to have empathy for you because I was abused by my father as a very small child.

I’ve never told my mum because I fear she would have a similar reaction to you, accuse me of lying because I was a problem child. I drank, I bunked off school, I sneaked out at night, I failed at my classes, I started playing with drugs at about 15, moved out at 16.... He and my mum divorced many years earlier, but I was dads “favourite” and she resented me for it. I can’t remember enough clear detail to go to the police, and I have no evidence anyway so I never will, I don’t need to be put through that.

I lied when I was about 17 and told my mum someone else (I didn’t name anyone, said it was a stranger) had assaulted me. I really needed to talk to her but without telling her it was my dad and face the kick back. She told me outright she didn’t believe me.

So I’ve resolved to keep it to myself, hold on to his disgusting little secret. Although I’ve kind of dealt with it now and am in a good place, I’m still deeply scarred. I desperately need to see a gynaecologist about some concerning symptoms I’m having, but I just can’t, the thought fills me with terror. The idea that I might need an operation and could be unconscious and exposed like that, my god, I just don’t think I can.

Your husband IS abusive, in how many ways, who knows? Meanwhile your child acting out in the past means very little except to maybe add weight to their allegations.

I worry that a lot of women don’t believe their child because it suits them not to. They don’t have to contemplate ending their marriage, maybe losing their house or income, being a single parent etc. Easier to dismiss your kid as a liar and not face the upheaval.

Please don’t be that weak.

mamabear2409

I hope to god you’re right about your sister, because if you’re wrong, you’ve treated her appallingly. Being a shit parent and never looking after you on his own, doesn’t mean your dad wasn’t abusive. My dad didn’t live with us, rarely looked after us, and lived with his mum and dad at the time. It still happened.

Retracting what she said is also no proof of anything as you seem to believe it is. I can’t get past how you can say you KNEW it was a lie. You didn’t, and you still don’t.

@AngelsSins re: needing to see gynaecologist. If you contact your local GUM clinic, they generally have clinics specifically for survivors of sexual violence. So done by doctors who understand, will take their time and will help you feel in control of what happens.

@differentnameforthis she made it up. She admitted it to my mum. She wanted to get back at my dad for cancelling her wedding as her ex fiancée was abusive and he refused to allow that to continue. My dad has had affairs and was awful to my mum but has never harmed me or my siblings. When I say my sister is an awful person, believe me she is. She's known to lie to get her way and has even done it to me from a young age. She has never been harmed and if she had, she most certainly would have voiced it earlier. She doesn't keep her mouth shut about anything!

@AngelsSins I know my own sister well enough to know she made it up for her own personal gain. She was pissed off and wanted to get back at my dad for cancelling her wedding. Her fiancée was very abusive towards her. She has since told my mum she lied and has admitted it to me and said she is very sorry for lying about it. She's tried to go running back to my dad and begging for forgiveness - would you do that? She is a cold manipulative person who's do anything to get her way. She's hurt all those close to her in similar ways but NEVER to this extent.

@AngelsSins @differentnameforthis she tells anyone who asks that she never accused him of it in the first place and that my dad made the situation up. She messaged my dads cousin sister saying this after he chucked her out of her flat and took her car from her for disrespecting him. No one believed her for a second because she is our family and WE KNOW HER. Stop assuming I'm in the wrong please. I've explained it as well as I can.

@mamabear2409

You obviously hate her, so there is no way that you are going to move from your position. People do not suddenly end up like your sister. Things happen that contribute to it. Sometimes, bad things.

I managed to turn my life around after living a very different experience to my siblings, many people do not, and cannot live without drama etc. My sister would probably say the same about me as you do your sister. But siblings living in the same house can have vastly different childhoods.

Unless you spent 24/7 with your sister, you cannot say for sure what did, and did not happen. I get it though, you do not want to think badly of your father.

@SunshineCake: Thanks, but I don't know what sort of "help" would be appropriate. Counselling? Psychotherapy? And I fear that unpacking all of that would be ... disturbing, I suppose, and difficult. It may be worse than leaving it be, iykwim.

I feel that it's manageable, it was 50+ years ago, both parents died several years ago and, at my age (64) I'm not sure it's worth it!

I often think about getting some sort of help though. It feels a bit like unfinished business.

A lot of damage has happened within your family, Because, regardless of the specifics of this allegation.

It's not too late to salvage something for your dcs, but it means you must prioritise your dcs over your H. Abusers can brainwash people and it sounds like you've been in this position. Talk to the police, talk to Women's Aid about the practicalities of getting you and your dcs away from him, and talk to your dcs. Be on their side.

AverilCorin

Thank you so much, I never knew that.

@LakieLady I'm not able to.reply properly right now but will later if you'd like me to answer your questions?

It sounds a lot for you to process, OP.

Believe your child.