Police allegation

[Becauseiam]

A serious one here.
Our child has accused dh of sexual abuse. I have reason to believe that this didn't happen but they are resentful for being treated emotionally cold by him - as a response to being scared and overwhelmed by the child's behaviour that put themself and all family at risk.
Of course, I am implicated as I was in the home when the allegation happened but I would not be with someone who I had an inkling or fleeting thought that he would be capable of that let alone know and hide.
Dh doesn't see his responses as cold. It has extended, not as extreme, but still significantly to other children. The other children do not think kindly of him. Neither do the school, neighbours, family or anyone really due to this. The police will find this out.
I feel like dh has dug himself the hole but does not deserve to be charged for something he didn't do. I have felt resentful for his treatment of the children for some time although there are better times too. I do believe he has treated me badly too however I think I am too close in the situation to see the full extent.
I speak to him about each situation and he has full logic behind what he says and does and thinks he is genuinely doing good (tough love, strict to keep them in line as they need to learn etc) and he is very likely to end up homeless and suicidal if I ended the relationship. He has no one else and suffers undiagnosed anxiety and depression.
How do I handle this?

Are YOU OK @Becauseiam?

You post as though you have lost track of how to feel you own emotions. You sound so very detahced, even allowing for trying to maintain some anonymity. Your explanations describe some very, very controlling behaviour by your D. I wonder if you have lost sight of what is normal?

Support the police, don't try to defend ANYONE! Let the investgation play out without you trying to influence it. Don't trust your own interpertation of events, you may not be seeing clearly... if your relationship is as odd and overwhelming as it sounds from the little you have typed here.

Has he abused you OP? In any way - emotionally, mentally, financially or physically? Has he withheld affection if you did something he perceived as 'wrong'? Have you had to walk on eggshells around him - or did he save all this only for your children?

Your husband shouldn't be charged with something he didn't do. No one should.
But you both really need to take a look at what he did do. What you allowed to happen.
There's not a fine line between strict and abusive it's pretty clear cut. Strict is strong enforced boundaries, abuse is violence or coercion for control.

I'm not okay. I'm devastated and terrified and I hate myself. And I'm trying not to feel it because it's consuming.

There's stuff he's done to me. Never physical, never obvious.
He never did anything physical to anyone. Can you clarify coercion please?

But what did he do?

Take a deep breath. You may need to talk to someone yourself.

Start with your GP... make an appointment today and tell them everything you ar efelling, not feeing, going through, have experienced including the accusations your DS has made. Let them offer all the help and support they can help you access.

I suspect that you won't be able to hel your son or your husband in this, you sound so very hollow!

The more I read the worse it gets. You admit your husband is abusive and 'cruel' to the children. He controls you to keep you on side. He tells you you will be implicated in the sexual abuse...this does not sound like an innocent man. Whether this allegation is true or not (and the child who cried wolf is often an abused child) this man is an abuser and you need to get him out your house and away from your children. Sorry if you've already said - but how old are the children?
I'm sorry OP this must be tough, but stay strong.

Coercion is basically him blackmailing you into going along with him because of threats of what he will do if you don't.

Or in this case it sounds like he's made out that if you don't let him do what he felt he needed to do, that your child will do something bad (again?).

Either way, you've been made to do something that was against your will but was HIS will.

Wow,
I feel so much for your child who waited until grown and moved out to have the bravery to tell what happened

Does coercion include not speaking to or making a tense atmosphere? Also, not an outright threat?

@Becauseiam. I think you are showing classic signs of shock. Coercive control occurs in a relationship where 1 person has all the power, and the other person is judged and found wanting on their intelligence, attractiveness, parenting, housework , driving financial management character, and keep adding. The other persons word becomes law and everyone else in the household tries and fails to keep to the rules, nut can’t as the goalposts keep moving. The controller becomes so all powerful that other authority figures, police, doctors, judges etc just are not as scary. If this is your situation, and I think it is, you need to tell the police and they will help you be safe. He’s not allpowerful, he’s a coward, and if he ends up suicidal and homeless, so be it. Your responsibility is to your children and to yourself. Ignore the haters, they haven’t been in your shoes, please get yourself safe and open the dialogue with your children.

Yes @Becauseiam - very much so. Anything to get you to do what he wants or get you on 'his' side.

How did the Police come to find out about this OP? Did your DC report this as historic abuse?

I appreciate you need to be vague, but some idea would help.

OP, from the way you are asking questions, I would recommend you call Womens Aid and have a chat with them. They will be able to answer your questions without you having to be "vague" to protect your anonymity.

I sense that you are processing quite rapidly, and that now you are focused on your own experiences, but please don't lose sight that this has come about because of allegations from your child about your husband.

Without needing to make any assumptions about who is lying, you need to move to safeguard your family. If there are children still living at home, I would suggest that you ask him to take some time away from the home while the police do their work.

It sounds like this might also help you to process your own experiences, but the main focus needs to be your adult child at this moment.

@Becauseiam

Honestly reading your posts, to me you come across as a women who has lived in a domestic abuse environment for a long time and as such dont know how to separate yourself, your feelings, and your life from your husband.

One of the main behaviours evidenced in abuse is a continuing cycle of dependence, hot and cold.behaviour, uncertainty and excuses.

You need to support your child, if this isnt true (but unlikely as a adult making historic claims) you need to consider why they need to make such accusations. Are they worried about how you and any resident siblings are being treated by this man? Has the abuse been worse then you considered and as such they feel this man deserves his cupputance? Is there severe mental health issues at play?

It would be very unusual for a grown up to make baseless historic accusations as they are VERY difficult to prove and prosecute, and as such the adult gains nothing other then distress and further broken relationships, specially if the adult has almost no contact with the abuser anymore. It's much more likely for the abuse to be true and for them to be unable to live with it anymore and need to get it out, and tell people and try to get some support and justice.

If your husband was mainly cold to this child only I would support PP posts about it being potentially a cover for abuse going on as people would be more suspicious if he favoured the child, but also if he was abusing your child he may have justified his actions to himself by making excuses about the childs behaviour, as such causing himself to be cold to the Child, while giving himself the justification to abuse. It suggests that he saw the child as worthless, less then, and a belonging rather then a individual person in their own right.

From experience of a close friend, sexual abuse can happen while your in the house, a close friends daughter was sexually abused by her best friend while they where in the house, and she didnt find out until her daughter was in late childhood. It devastated her but proves it can happen, even more so when my friend never left her child alone with her best friend so it happened while she was in the house and she had no idea.

Yes exactly - read this Women's Aid page.

Your OP is detached, guarded and at best dismissive and minimising. It is quite shocking to read.
Have you school-age children/children at home? (You mention school). If so, please be mindful that they are at risk of significant harm. You should fully comply with police and professionals and drop the guard asap.
Your husband is a child abuser. "Cruel parenting" = child abuse. The deliberate harm of children is child abuse. So, you accept child abuse in the capacity of emotional abuse, possible physical abuse? (I'm not sure from your OP, but I suspect physical abuse or certainly the threat of it). You talk of cruel punishments and emotionally cold parenting of your children, yet you cannot accept sexual abuse?
False allegations of this nature are rare, particularly in adulthood. It is perfectly ordinary for a child victim or an adult coming forward to get the everyday detail confused (which you mention as being the reason it may be made up).
Child sexual abuse is rarely directed at just the one child in the family (although the child victim will not know this). If you have other children at home, they are significant risk.
Thankfully the police are now involved and they are expert and will see through lies, deception, and importantly in your case, collusion.
Your immediate concern for your husband, rather than your child speak volumes. Your child or "the child" as you would prefer, will be suffering intensely. I expect it may be too late, but you need to step up, stop colluding with an abuser of your children and show that you are a capable protective parent.
I hope your children are safe and they have the continued support to help them recover from their abusive father.

Zebra - I've read your post over and over because it's so spot on. Fuck.

Junie - exactly that.

What do I do? I'm terrified.

Possible trigger follows

I suffered SA from my father from about age 12-14. My mother knew, and did nothing about it. I'd suppressed the memory for years, until it came flooding back while watching a documentary on when I was in my early 20s. The revelation/recollection was so strong, I puked my guts up.

SA wasn't really talked about then (late 70s) and I didn't tell a soul for another 10-15 years, when I disclosed it to a friend. She then shocked me by asking for all the details in a rather salacious manner, which made me clam up again.

I so wanted to talk to my mother about it, about why she failed to protect me, but never felt I could while my father was alive. By the time he died, she had dementia and wouldn't have been able to talk about it in any meaningful way.

I bitterly regret never having had the courage to go to the police, but I couldn't face the fallout. And I was desperately scared of not being believed.

Please believe your child, and love them, and let them know they're safe with you. That's what I desperately needed, but was never able to get, and it has royally fucked up my life.

Op you need to distance yourself and follow his strict cold approach.

You say he will end up homeless and suicidal and your not wanting to cause that but does he have the same empathy for others

No!

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Are you afraid of him, OP? Is that what is stopping you from getting away from him?
You really need to, for your sake, and especially for your children's. The resson everyone thinks he's horrible is that he IS horrible. Please contact Women's Aid asap.

@Becauseiam - it sounds like you might be disassociating due to feeling so overwhelmed. This is why you are coming over strange and cold.I really encourage you to make a GP appointment - they can help you to cope. It sounds like you have been a victim of the abuse as much as your DC. I'm so sorry Are the other DC safe? Have you some family that can come over to support you with looking after them and to get your husband out the house if he won't cooperate. Phone the police if he threatens you.

I am another person with a royally fucked up life as a result of being sexually abused as a preschool child, my parents attacked me for complaining about it and told me not to go to the police because it wouldn't be fair on the paedophile
I look forward to the time when they are both dead