Police allegation

[Becauseiam]

A serious one here.
Our child has accused dh of sexual abuse. I have reason to believe that this didn't happen but they are resentful for being treated emotionally cold by him - as a response to being scared and overwhelmed by the child's behaviour that put themself and all family at risk.
Of course, I am implicated as I was in the home when the allegation happened but I would not be with someone who I had an inkling or fleeting thought that he would be capable of that let alone know and hide.
Dh doesn't see his responses as cold. It has extended, not as extreme, but still significantly to other children. The other children do not think kindly of him. Neither do the school, neighbours, family or anyone really due to this. The police will find this out.
I feel like dh has dug himself the hole but does not deserve to be charged for something he didn't do. I have felt resentful for his treatment of the children for some time although there are better times too. I do believe he has treated me badly too however I think I am too close in the situation to see the full extent.
I speak to him about each situation and he has full logic behind what he says and does and thinks he is genuinely doing good (tough love, strict to keep them in line as they need to learn etc) and he is very likely to end up homeless and suicidal if I ended the relationship. He has no one else and suffers undiagnosed anxiety and depression.
How do I handle this?

@Becauseiam
I don’t want to scare you, but you are at high risk right now, because of the police involvement and because your husband will be very alert for any signs of disloyalty. Please tell the Police that you and the children have been victims of coercive control and that you are terrified and not safe. They will help you. Meanwhile act your part with him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - it sounds like an absolute nightmare, and while I have no specific advice to offer, I just wanted to say that I understand not being able to be clear about your thoughts just yet - they must be all over the place.

OP as zebra says your husband sounds abusive. I appreciate you're in shock. If possible, can you go and stay with someone eg friends/family. Your DH is manipulative, abusive and facing a serious abuse allegation. Of course he is threatening being homeless and suicidal. It's textbook behaviour from an abuser who is worried they are losing control. He isn't your responsibility .
Go to stay with someone you can trust. Put some distance both physically and emotionally between yourself and your husband.

You put your kid first. Either they have been sexually abused or their relationship with their dad is so dysfunctional and abusive (reading between the lines it sounds like psychological abuse of all of you) that they have made it up. Either way your kid needs you.

Does coercion include not speaking to or making a tense atmosphere? Also, not an outright threat?

Yes. It's emotionally abusive coercion - someone who does this is using the threat, and fear of, exclusionary behaviour and causing distress to control the behaviour of others.

Believe your child

Call the police.

There is no other acceptable course of action.

I have now read your very oddly written OP again and some follow up posts but still, believe your child, stop thinking about how this affects your own life and support your child. It is time to make a choice. The way you write about your dh actions and trying to justify the alleged abuse is chilling.

I could write more from real life experiences but you are not ready to hear it.

This isn't a police allegation, it's YOUR CHILD who has made the allegation. F**king hell...

Why do you keep saying THE child... you should be saying MY child

@Ulterego: I know how you feel.

OP you might be better asking MN to move this to relationships because AIBU isn't the best place for support or reasoned opinions.

As 'the child' in a seemingly very similar scenario reading your OP just had me screaming with rage.

I have not had the courage to go to the police as was advised by my ISVA that it is virtually impossible to get a conviction. And your reaction is what I am terrified of. That my mother, who I feel must know what has happened, will not 'believe' me. She too constantly focusses on how his abusive behaviour affected her. Never considering that while undoubtedly domestic abuse is awful for everyone involved, SHE had a CHOICE. She could have left, she could have gotten us away from him. She did not. I have PTSD as a result of the sexual abuse and my memories are completely disjointed, mostly sensory and terrifying flashbacks of what happened to me. So yes, maybe some of the 'details' would be 'wrong', but that is as a result of being young, petrified and completely dissociating from what was happening to me in order to survive.

You daughter is amazing for having the strength to go to the police and go through this process to get maybe get some kind of justice for what was done to her. You need to stop making excuses, stop feeling sorry for yourself and support her.

I love my husband more than words can describe but if our DD said he abused her, he'd be out of the house in a blink of an eye until we got to the bottom of it and if proved true - there'd be no rock he'd be able to hide under from me, I'd make sure he's fully prosecuted for what he did. I believe he'd do exactly the same. Our child comes first.

The way you write about it all sounds like you may be in shock and disassociating emotionally to cope (I hope its that, that this is not your usual way of talking about your DC). I'd strongly recommend talking to a professional who can help you cope and put things in their place in your own head before you speak to your DC or husband about this. You can do more damage to your child than you can probably comprehend right now if you react inappropriately.

What do I do? I'm terrified. I am not surprised.

Best advice is to grab your other kids, purse, passports and any other important stuff and go to the police, tell them what you have told us and then let them guide you, keep you and your other kids safe.

Believe your child

Call the police.

There is no other acceptable course of action.

I have now read your very oddly written OP again and some follow up posts but still, believe your child, stop thinking about how this affects your own life and support your child. It is time to make a choice. The way you write about your dh actions and trying to justify the alleged abuse is chilling.

I could write more from real life experiences but you are not ready to hear it.

He also is saying you will be implicated which is an evil from of coercive control.

You also sound more bothered about being blamed for stopping him being cruel and abusive to your child if they then misbehave.

Children don't usually hurt their siblings because they weren't allowed to misbehave.

I could be sympathetic to your claim of abuse on you too but I am dubious about that.

I wish your children well as they need help either way.

@Ulterego @LakieLady it's never too late to ask for help .

Your child went to the Police to report this, but let you find out from them rather than tell you themselves.

Do you think this is because your child knows you are more likely to side with your husband? If this is the case then I think you need to make contact with your child now and let them know they are loved and supported.

Or try for a prosecution. 30 years after an abuse situation the disgusting man went to jail.

Thank you Ladylakie 💐
I would like to add that not being believed/been treated as if it doesn't matter causes further psychological damage
people who have been sexually abused tend to be troubled and dysfunctional and that makes it easy for others to scapegoat them, they are kicking people who are already down 😔

What is your relationship like with your child(run) now?

I think some parents tell themselves that it didn't matter because their child was so young they probably wouldn't remember the details or they don't understand what happened
it is known that paedophiles deliberately target preverbal children because preverbal children cant grass them up
The younger the child the more profound the damage
Oh yes the making it all about them 'how could you say such a thing' 'I can't believe he would do anything like that' 'he swears he didn't do it' etc etc
Fucking bunch of lying fucking snakes
Don't be one of them

Having faced a similar situation 4years ago the decision of whether my husband should leave or not was taken out of my hands and as part of his bail conditions he was allowed no unsupervised contact with our children from the moment the charge was brought and he was not allowed to live at home. The trial didn’t take place until nearly a year later.
During that time a social services investigation took place where I had to prove that I could protect them from him. That I was not controlled by him and that I are willing to separate from him. Otherwise my children at home could be seen as at risk and could be taken into care.

He said if I stopped him 'being a parent' which meant to him being strict but in reality, it was cruel, then any consequences would be on me. That was the only way to control the situation and it would be my fault if I didn't let him.

He's been bullying you, as well as bullying the children.
He needs to leave the family home.
You need space and help to think about all this.

I think posters need to be more compassionate to the op. It sounds like her husband has been manipulating, controlling & emotionally/psychologically abusing her for years so ofc her ideas of normality are skewed & she's primed to believe his version of things & not her children. In family abuse it's a common tactic to alienate family members from each other so no one will talk. Op also sounds like she is in shock & just starting to realize that A: her husband is an abusive bastard & that B: he probably has sexually abused at least one of their children. The shock from this sort of realization is massive & she doesn't need insensitive, judgmental comments kicking her in what is probably the worst moment of her life.

If this is the case op, please contact the police as pp have said & tell them that you have been a victim of coercive control, that an adult child has made csa allegations against your husband & that you are concerned for yourself & your other DC's safety. Believe & support your children, & get help & support for yourself. & please don't blame yourself. Abusers are incredibly manipulative & cunning. You couldn't be there for your child in the past because your husband wouldn't let you, but you can choose to be there for them now.

OP have you anyone in RL you can talk to. Been suggested you see your doctor which is great but in the meantime you need someone for you for support. Sounds like you've been living in an abusive relationship and are deeply affected. Hes controlled everything including your feelings and confidence. Please do all the police and social services ask you to do. Its imperative that you put the resident children first and be seen to safeguarding them. Weve had social services in our lives and they will be looking to see you taking this seriously. Please find someone who can hand hold in RL xxxx

Your husband is abusive, both to you and your children. When I was in my abusive relationship I seemed very detached too as I couldn't cope with my reality. The fact he is cold, manipulative and no one but you defends him speaks volumes. He has manipulated you, groomed you all not to question or criticise him and you have described him as cruel. I believe your child, you need to as well because the fact they went to the police instead of telling you also speaks volumes about their relationship with you. They don't trust you to protect them or believe them. Sometimes children will talk about abuse in a way that makes sense to them, so someone bit them instead of someone touched them because how they felt was the same. They can also accuse others in the family as they are afraid of their abuser. We were taught this when I volunteered at a play scheme.

He needs to leave and you need to tell the police you are afraid of him. If he ends up suicidal or homeless then you need to consider that as a result of his actions. There are support systems in place, you do not have to be that support. Whether this allegation is true or not, there has been sustained abuse in your household for some time and breaking free is the hardest part. Also, he could be dangerous given his need for control so let the police handle him.