Police allegation

[Becauseiam]

A serious one here.
Our child has accused dh of sexual abuse. I have reason to believe that this didn't happen but they are resentful for being treated emotionally cold by him - as a response to being scared and overwhelmed by the child's behaviour that put themself and all family at risk.
Of course, I am implicated as I was in the home when the allegation happened but I would not be with someone who I had an inkling or fleeting thought that he would be capable of that let alone know and hide.
Dh doesn't see his responses as cold. It has extended, not as extreme, but still significantly to other children. The other children do not think kindly of him. Neither do the school, neighbours, family or anyone really due to this. The police will find this out.
I feel like dh has dug himself the hole but does not deserve to be charged for something he didn't do. I have felt resentful for his treatment of the children for some time although there are better times too. I do believe he has treated me badly too however I think I am too close in the situation to see the full extent.
I speak to him about each situation and he has full logic behind what he says and does and thinks he is genuinely doing good (tough love, strict to keep them in line as they need to learn etc) and he is very likely to end up homeless and suicidal if I ended the relationship. He has no one else and suffers undiagnosed anxiety and depression.
How do I handle this?

So has Dh been questioned? Where is he? Right now? Where are you at re the Police?
Is SS involved? Re the other children. The school?

Surely this is all going on.
What is the next step for you OP?

So glad you are finding a way thru op.

Try to find a way to ring women's aid op.
I think you need to get yourself and your children away, and support & believe your older dc.

@mamabear2409 You are being quite aggressive now. I am sorry that I needed to go to bed (it was nighttime in Australia) and couldn't converse with you any longer...

I said that I hoped you were right, and my main issue was with you insisting that abused people don't do this, they don't do that etc... If you could admit you are wrong about that, you would see that you cannot know 100% that your father is innocent.

But you won't. Because you'd rather hate a potential victim than a potential perpetrator. Perhaps you are jealous of your sister being a 'daddy's girl" all her life and are grateful of her downfall.

@Becauseiam

You are being seriously abused, every time you post something more chilling is said.

He’s isolated you from friends and most of your family, is cruel to the DC etc, no wonder you don’t know what is right and wrong.

Does he work? Do you get anytime alone from him?

If no to both, when the police interview you then you must tell them everything that you have said here.

In regards to your DD and this allegation, please believe her. Even if the allegations are untrue, the abuse you have all suffered have manifested in this.

You need to get away from him.

Please ask the family member to contact the police/WA etc if you cannot ate the moment.

Also, l suggest that you have this moved to the relationships board.

At the moment l meant to say

If you are meeting with your family member to come up with a plan, you could:

1. If you have been assigned a SW, then contact them and tell them everything that you have said on here.

2: contact the police (were you assigned a specific officer?), as they may ask him to leave your home under the guise of the investigation (I’m surprised they haven’t done this already).

3: if he does leave, then contact WA for support

4: Book an appointment with your GP (tell him you are due a smear test) and disclose everything to them

You have nothing to lose by believing your child. At the worst your husband leaves and is innocent of this- although clearly has done a lot of harm to the children already.
You have everything to lose by believing your husband.
It is so depressing that this is the 2nd time in 24 hours that I'm posting to beg someone to protect their child over their husband. Makes me want to weep

Protect and always believe your child. Your husband sounds awful and clearly could be capable of this allegation.

Mama bear your posts show that your sister one way or another has been incredibly damaged by your fathers behaviour (and I would surmise possibly you too). When she was in an abusive relationship rather than helping he cancelled the wedding that speaks volumes about him

My mother was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. No one believed me and my sister, that included family, school, the police. You’re a parent, you’ve signed up to protect your children for the rest of their lives.

You yourself may need to seek help to cope with what has happened, you need to look after yourself to support your child.

To be fair to mamabear there are instances of people accusing completely innocent parents of abuse to "get their own back" on them for something. And when this happens, it can have devastating consequences for all around. I know we live in a world where abuse happens far more than anyone would consider possible, but that doesn't mean that there aren't liars and manipulators too.

Narcs were once children and teens too - and some of them will go to any lengths to achieve their aims, and if those aims are revenge on someone, then they'll do anything, including accusing them of abuse.

That doesn't mean that the OP's child is lying - far from it - but it does mean that things should be investigated appropriately before tarring and feathering the accused.

I agree that nobody should be falsely accused, but whatever happens with this allegation, it has come into the light that this man is a domestic tyrant who treats his wife and children badly. Whatever the outcome of the investigation, I hope that the OP and her dcs can now get free of him.

OP, if the investigation is dropped, don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can't leave because he is "innocent". He is clearly a damaging presence in your life and the life of the dcs. Don't feel sorry for him or responsible for making up to him for the fact that he is now going through this. He is toxic and you need to get yourself and the dcs away from him regardless.

Hi op . Hope you are ok.
Just thought it might be important to remind you that Coecive Control is a criminal offence in its own right. I have experience of historical allegations of sexual abuse, and it can take a very long time for investigations to be completed, but it is very likely that this mans behaviour towards yourself and your children has been illegal.

bibliomania - I totally agree.

He is clearly a damaging presence in your life and the life of the dcs.

I'm glad you now have real-life help from your relative, OP.

You and your children need to get away from the influence of this man, whatever happens with the investigation.