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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Police allegation

241 replies

Becauseiam · 20/01/2020 00:02

A serious one here.
Our child has accused dh of sexual abuse. I have reason to believe that this didn't happen but they are resentful for being treated emotionally cold by him - as a response to being scared and overwhelmed by the child's behaviour that put themself and all family at risk.
Of course, I am implicated as I was in the home when the allegation happened but I would not be with someone who I had an inkling or fleeting thought that he would be capable of that let alone know and hide.
Dh doesn't see his responses as cold. It has extended, not as extreme, but still significantly to other children. The other children do not think kindly of him. Neither do the school, neighbours, family or anyone really due to this. The police will find this out.
I feel like dh has dug himself the hole but does not deserve to be charged for something he didn't do. I have felt resentful for his treatment of the children for some time although there are better times too. I do believe he has treated me badly too however I think I am too close in the situation to see the full extent.
I speak to him about each situation and he has full logic behind what he says and does and thinks he is genuinely doing good (tough love, strict to keep them in line as they need to learn etc) and he is very likely to end up homeless and suicidal if I ended the relationship. He has no one else and suffers undiagnosed anxiety and depression.
How do I handle this?

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 20/01/2020 01:08

This is all very odd. I can honestly say I have no idea how I would react if I was to be informed by the police that my child had made an allegation of CSA against my husband (their father). But, you say you've only just found out? I just can't imagine I'd be posting on MN about it in such a detached sort of a way.
I'm sorry OP, it's not that I'm disbelieving you, this must have come as a horrific shock - I'm just curious that your initial reaction has been to come on MN with concerns as to what your husband is going through.

PixieDustt · 20/01/2020 01:11

Are you for real? You can't say it hasn't happened when you don't actually know if it has or not!

I'd be standing right beside my child showing love and support. 'D' H would be no where near us.

he is very likely to end up homeless and suicidal if I ended the relationship. He has no one else

What about your child? If this did happen I feel you'd pick your H. Leaving your child homeless.
If it is true your child could feel suicidal.

I couldn't give a rats arse that he didn't have anyone else. Speaks volumes that no one likes him. NOT ONE single one of your children. That's odd in itself.

Stand by your child not your H.

HarrietSchulenberg · 20/01/2020 01:12

The thing is, older children DO lie. My then 14yo told social services that he had no bed to sleep in, we never had food in the house and that his dad used to come home drunk and fall asleep on the sofa. He wanted attention (seeking attachment) that he already had, but wanted more.

I showed a social worker the 2 beds he had in his room (2nd one was a futon sofa bed), the cupboards and fridge full of food, and pointed out that if his dad nodded off on the sofa he'd just done a 13 hour day at work, not been to the pub. It was obvious that what ds had said was not true and he eventually admitted he'd made it up to "get back at us" for not allowing him to stay out all night and take drugs with older kids (which he did anyway; he just wanted us to stop bothering him and let him run wild like the others did).

There's a reason your child is saying this, not necessarily because it's the truth (although it could well be), but because something is missing that she needs. You say the circumstances given didn't happen, but something is driving the allegation, you just don't know what. The only way to find out is by talking to her and she's not likely to tell you straight out, you're going to have a lot of relationship building before that happens. If she thinks you're on her dad's "side" she's not going to do that.

PixieDustt · 20/01/2020 01:13

@alliwantisagoodnightssleep 👏🏼

WhereTheCowsGoBong · 20/01/2020 01:27

Thanks BumbleBeee I probably should not have mentioned it- not my thread but it has opened a lot up in me reading this. I need to take a step back.

EurghRedface · 20/01/2020 01:35

Op are you pissed or are you the abuser? The language you have used is off

dotty12345 · 20/01/2020 01:41

My daughter was in her twenties when she first told me of historic sexual abuse from my ex partner. I got an emergency appointment with my solicitor and removed my much younger son (his child) from shared custody the next day (she told me late at night) and rang the police. I will never lose the guilt that I didn’t realise what was going on but the moment I knew I reacted to protect my children, that’s what mothers do. I didn’t give a fuck about his feelings and still don’t.

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 20/01/2020 01:47

I haven't read all the thread.
Your OP isn't clear - how old is your child?
If really young/primary school age, how would they have the knowledge to accuse of such things?
I wouldn't blindly not believe...

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 20/01/2020 01:53

Sorry, just seen your update, child is older and moved out -why would they lie though?
If you truly thought that I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of why and what was going on.
Either way needs help, not just not believed!

penisbeakers · 20/01/2020 02:07

You damn well believe your child is what you do. Fucking hell.

alexdgr8 · 20/01/2020 02:07

you too sound v cold towards your children.
think you need to re-align it, surely your children should be your first concern, not your husband, whom nobody seems to like, but you think they are all wrong ?
it all sounds odd.
something is wrong here.

Bluerussian · 20/01/2020 02:11

The op has only just been told so is still trying to process it.
I agree she needs to stand by her child also that there must be some investigation by the police.

Ghostoast · 20/01/2020 02:19

My mother in law couldn't believe her husband did this to me when I was 15 either. I now don't allow any access to myself nor the children for her and her husband. I'll never forgive the wicked cow.

FrankSlater · 20/01/2020 02:23

Is your husband the biological father or are we talking step father? Step father abuse is far more common. Since we don't know the details I cant say for sure. However, if there is the tiniest possibility that these allegations are true then you need to keep him as far away from any child as possible. Obviously this will be awful for him if the allegations are false but you simply can't take the chance. Ask him to leave the house - if he is a responsible adult he will understand. Child abusers often guilt trip you regarding suicide/depression. Kick him out.

LilQueenie · 20/01/2020 02:57

Listen to your child and more to the point if you don't your other kids are being put at risk.

kateandme · 20/01/2020 03:03

"the child" your husband.you yourself are speaking awfully coldly about your own child.

Topseyt · 20/01/2020 03:39

It seems that nobody likes your husband. Not the school, not the neighbours, he has no friends etc. You say he was always cold towards the children to keep them in line.

He sounds dreadful, and you seem to be the only one defending him. Stop and think for a bit. There's a reason why he is disliked so universally.

It is your child you need to be listening to and defending, even if that child is now grown up and moved out. They have had the guts to go to the police in the first place. That won't have been easy and will not have been something they did lightly.

I think you need to reconsider your dogged insistence on sticking by your husband. He sounds like y cold hearted arse at best. At worst he could well be a serious child abuser.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 20/01/2020 04:15

If there are other chikdren in the home still, he needs to go until it's clearer.

Personally l find this v suspicious based on the information you have given.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/01/2020 05:07

I take you have minor children living with you. You have to believe your child and put you children first for once. You have been choosing your husband for years.

BugBasher · 20/01/2020 07:14

You'll currently be in a state of shock OP. Please don't make any major decisions until you've wrapped your head around this & have more information. Take one day at a time, don't be afraid to ask the police & your DH questions & make a point of eating/sleeping/looking after yourself. Start preparing for the fact that life is going to change & you'll likely have to make a choice between your DC & DH.

Sending love & strength.

blubelle7 · 20/01/2020 07:23

This is exactly why children wait until they are older to say anything if they do speak out. Honestly, believe your child. What other option is there?

Reread your post it is all about your husband and how to support him and nothing about the child.

Insaneinthemembury · 20/01/2020 07:32

People never ever think sexual abuse will happen to them/anyone they know.
They think it happens to other people.
When it happened at my gym club I was the only one who reported it and even the adults who saw it didnt step forward.
I'd believe your child.

Gazelda · 20/01/2020 07:33

Are there still children at home? You have no choice but to force him to leave. You will lose your DC otherwise.

SinkGirl · 20/01/2020 07:33

I would not be with someone who I had an inkling or fleeting thought that he would be capable of that let alone know and hide.

Most spouses of abusers are completely unaware of the abuse. That’s how they get away with abusing. It’s very difficult to believe that about your spouse. You already know that your husband is abusive, even others outside the family dislike him. There’s usually a reason for that. I can’t know whether the allegations are true and neither can you. Can you imagine how you’d feel if one of your parents abused you and the other took their side?

cheeseislife8 · 20/01/2020 07:33

You need to believe and support your child. Your relationship with them may never recover if you don't.