Police allegation

[Becauseiam]

A serious one here.
Our child has accused dh of sexual abuse. I have reason to believe that this didn't happen but they are resentful for being treated emotionally cold by him - as a response to being scared and overwhelmed by the child's behaviour that put themself and all family at risk.
Of course, I am implicated as I was in the home when the allegation happened but I would not be with someone who I had an inkling or fleeting thought that he would be capable of that let alone know and hide.
Dh doesn't see his responses as cold. It has extended, not as extreme, but still significantly to other children. The other children do not think kindly of him. Neither do the school, neighbours, family or anyone really due to this. The police will find this out.
I feel like dh has dug himself the hole but does not deserve to be charged for something he didn't do. I have felt resentful for his treatment of the children for some time although there are better times too. I do believe he has treated me badly too however I think I am too close in the situation to see the full extent.
I speak to him about each situation and he has full logic behind what he says and does and thinks he is genuinely doing good (tough love, strict to keep them in line as they need to learn etc) and he is very likely to end up homeless and suicidal if I ended the relationship. He has no one else and suffers undiagnosed anxiety and depression.
How do I handle this?

Is your husband the child's father or stepfather?

Believe your child.

Your post is oddly worded and there must be a reason for it. Its as if you are telling a story about a stranger not your own child! "the child" for a start, why are you describing your own child who has just accused their Dad of csa in such a detached way?

What did your child do to provoke the cold behaviour? It sounds like this child is the family scapegoat

Is this a reverse?

At the moment as the child's mother you need to stand by them.

Not least because you put your other children at risk of removal by social services if you don't (I've seen this happen before when the mother decided to stand by the father)

Believe your child! The way you speak about them sounds like even if they were wrong about this they lived in a cold unloving home anyway which can't be good for their mental health

I think you need to let the police do their work.

Children do lie about this, usually for revenge on a hated parent.

The police aren't daft and can usually see through lies. But you need to look at the possibility that it's the truth.

When I was at school a classmate falsely accused a teacher but it was easily disproven. I've wondered since if it was happening at home and she was too afraid to say, so made the false accusation.

I'm not a person who automatically says to believe the victim but I do think you need to keep an open mind. As should everyone involved.

He’s ‘likely to end up homeless and suicidal’ if you end the relationship and has convinced you that his harsh behaviour towards the children is because he loves them and wants to keep them in line!!
Alarm bells ringing for anyone else?
You’ve been manipulated into a position where he can do what he wants without being questioned. At best that’s behaving like an ass and at worse he’s done something horrible to your child and convinced you the child is lying for attention.

Where did the idea that you’re implicated come from I wonder? I doubt it’s the police because you’d have been questioned in an interview if they thought you were involved. Has he put the idea in your head to create an issue and then’ attitude which keeps you on side?

Us and them attitude not issue and then

Again, thank you for all the replies. Literally just hearing all different experiences and thoughts whilst processing this is helping.

I've written it purposely vague except it was very late, so may come across odd as well. Apologies for that. It is not the way I actually speak.

He is the bio father.
The 'child' has reason to lie as they hate him which is really bad in itself, but still, it's not right to be accused of something like this if it didn't happen.
The child also has form for it. They have accused people before of various things - not in the family - that were investigated and said to have not done it. They also accused me of biting them when younger which was reported to social services. I didn't do that. However, dh stood by me and I guess I feel I owe him?

It's actually really tricky to say enough information without being outing but this is a complex situation.
This is quite literally the child that called wolf and I'm trying to work it out.

Bottom line though, I would always choose the children above dh.

Awittyuser - it was him actually. It's hard to tell if it's anxiety talking as he's going through different scenarios or keeping me on side.

How old is your 'child'?

It makes no difference but I'm a bit confused as to why you talk about a child then say they are older and have moved out. Are they and older child under someone else's care or an adult?

I would believe my DC irrespective of age.

I'm not sure how "certain" you can be of innocence in this case. But you have to support your child, come what may (even if they are an adult). I'm sure you are processing, and I would be trying to secure counselling for yourself. What a horrible situation, but believe your child first and foremost.

My question would be why - why would “the child” (he is the bio father, are you the step mother?) lie about so many things, about being the victim of abuse on so many occasions? You say other allegations were investigated and proven to be false, although you can’t possibly know that.

I was abused by my father. At the peak of that abuse, age 10 or so, I got in trouble a lot for lying. I’d lie about stupid things, obvious things, all sorts of things. I don’t know why. I think I wanted someone to notice that something was very wrong without having to say what.

A child who lies consistently about being abused is a red flag in itself. Children who “cry wolf” are often crying for a reason.

Shocking amount of minimising you're showing there, Becauseiam. No wonder your child is very unhappy, you and your husband both sound completely inadequate as parents. "The child", words fail me, this is the kind of terminology sometimes used in medical case studies where reporting-of-facts takes precedence over emotional involvement.

I hope the police will see the situation for what it is.

Like others have said, if someone makes an allegation such as this, it is nearly always true.

If your husband has undiagnosed depression and anxiety then he needs to get them diagnosed! (Not that either can be offered as a defence against child abuse allegations; neither depression nor anxiety cause people to abuse children.)

It sounds like you have already very much decided that your loyalties have to be with him and not with your child. I'm very familiar with this scenario in my own life. Just be aware that in years to come your children will quite likely want nothing to do with you.

Even if the abuse allegation does turn out to be false, it sounds like there are major, major problems in your family which are harming your children.

Christ on a bike what have I read

At best this sounds like a very dysfunctional family. Why does your child hate their father so much?

No, I haven't decided on loyalties. You can't possibly know that. My mind is literally exploding.
He said if I stopped him 'being a parent' which meant to him being strict but in reality, it was cruel, then any consequences would be on me. That was the only way to control the situation and it would be my fault if I didn't let him.
Is that right? Would that be true?

Look at it logically. You can either believe your husband or your child.

Let's say you back your husband. If he’s right, great. If not, you are going to be seen as bad as him and may suffer major repercussions from your children!

Let’s say you back your child. If they are right, sad but you will have done the right thing. If they are wrong, no one will blame you for believing them and anything your DH does is not your responsibility.

So back your child. It has the less overall downside for you and is the right thing to do

I get that you are probably still in a shock but...

No, I haven't decided on loyalties. You can't possibly know that.

You did. DH and The Child. No husband and child, DH and DC.
You chose your eide for whatever reason.

What a fucked up situation. Whatever happened - and I am inclined to think it's unlikely an adult child would make a false allegation - the way you talk about your child and DH is just all wrong. Sounds like he's done a right number on you and you are completely oblivious to the fact.

Allergic - Bad attempt at being vague and hiding gender. Should have said dc.
Doyoumind - this is now what I'm considering. It's not an easy thought.

Whether you believe your child or not, your husband needs to go.

I would question why your husband was ‘cold’ and treated your child ‘harshly’
Now that you have allegations of sexual abuse I would imagine he was treating them coldly and harshly 1, so they wouldn’t tell anyone 2, so it looked like on the surface that he didn’t particularly care for the child (when scratching the surface showed he was actually abusing them) 3, so that others would think the child was just acting out to his strict parenting should the child tell on him.

Whatever is or isn’t true your child needs help. No matter how old they are they need their mum to support them be that as facilitating good therapy or supporting them through the court/legal process.

Whether your child is lying or if this abuse actually happened your child has been failed by you and your husband. Either the child is so desperately unhappy and mentally unhinged in some way that they lied or they are telling the truth, you should’ve understood how damaged they were and got them help sooner. You and your husband failed here and now it’s time you need to fix it.

You need to be there for your child first and foremost. If the allegations are false then it sounds like they may need support from a mental health point of view. If the allegations are true you will not be the first person to have been unaware of what was going on in their own family.

Your husband sounds like he needs help too but you cannot allow his emotional abuse and manipulation to mean that you put him before your child. Your children all need to see that their Mother is there for them and has their back in all circumstances. Good luck OP, it isnt going to be easy but you need to be strong for your children... they must come first.

Aside from the alleged abuse your husband sounds extremely controlling and I think would be healthier for your resident children to ask him to move out while the police investigate. You're already known to social services for past allegations. Sounds like your child is crying out for help. Like I said earlier my mum didn't believe my step dad abused me until she found the tools of his trade hidden behind the bath panel. I was 6. My mum still wont talk about it so we have drawn a line under it. BUT its affected every relationship I've had in my 46 years. Please dont damage your child further. Support them. They are desperately unhappy and need their mum. How old are they? Xx