Sister living at our flat

[user1464279374]

So I'm in the very fortunate position of living in a spacious flat in London, which I own with my husband (thanks to his family's generosity/wealth, not my own hard work - I'll put that out there straight away!). We have a toddler and another baby on the way end of March.

My sister graduated university last summer and in the Autumn got a job in central London. Having been a struggling graduate years ago myself paying London rent (we are not from the city) I offered (with my husband's I suppose reluctant blessing) for her to stay in our spare room for free. The vague end date for that was new baby's arrival when we'll need a bit more space.

In return there was supposed to be a lot of babysitting, which hasn't really materialised. But I guess that's partly our own fault for not asking much in advance.

She was fired from this job before Christmas and is now job hunting but is still staying with us. After being home for the holidays my husband is not enjoying the lack of privacy now she's back and is itching for us to have our space again (and saying as much quite frequently). I always feel the guilt of 'but I can help, and I wish someone had helped me' but I do feel like she's taking the situation for granted and not pulling her weight.

Her room is always a mess, she's borrowing my clothes, doesn't contribute to general cleaning or cooking, and the reason I'm posting at 4am is she just turned up home from a night out waking me up. I'd asked her to text me before 1am if she was coming back (sometimes she stays with a friend) and she didn't so I locked up. So I wake up to banging at the door and her angry that I'd locked it. No apology. Luckily the toddler stayed asleep.

I just feel like we suddenly have a teenager living with us, and an ungrateful one at that. Part of me thinks she should understand that these things require some give and take, even if they are a favour from family.

Should I ask her to go back to our parents now she doesn't have a real reason to be here, so we can get the flat in shape a bit sooner for new baby? Should I be asking for some token rent? I don't much have the energy for huge arguments that might end up involving my mother who will inevitably try to persuade us she should stay. Should we just wait it out, given it's only another 6 weeks or so?

Thank you - would love to hear what you would do in this situation!

I do think a week of notice is quite short. Maybe offer a month and have some options lined up for her to view (flat share etc) if you can pull that information together.

Why? It shouldn't take her more than a day to pack her stuff up and move back to her parents. She can do all her flat hunting from there. It's also pretty ridiculous to suggest that an adult needs someone else to pull together the relevant information for her.

I would be generous and give her four weeks notice, and then give her 21 days a week later, followed 14 days and “what’s your plan” and finalised with “when you move out next Saturday...” whilst telling her your plans for decorating her room for the baby and making the cot up and plonking it outside the door.

Why on earth would you give all that time? By the time all that faffing about comes to an end, the baby could be two months old.

I do know there is a classic younger child older child dynamic in our family and she tends to be babied whereas I feel a bit like I can do no right

People mature at different rates. Some are running businesses at 23 others are still eternal students. She sounds closer to the latter.
Let her go back home or take whatever temp work she can get in London and rent a room, but maybe help with things like CV review, industry advice or budgeting (if she will listen) and a meal each week to check in on her.

Youngest children can be babied a bit but at some point they need to manage their own lives and make their own mistakes and take responsibility.

She needs to grow up. She shouldn't be treating your home like a hotel

She is taking the piss completely. You’re more than right to send her home and as she has no job and no where to live then it’s back to mummy and daddy-they are her parents, not you. If she behaves as badly at home then I can understand why they wouldn’t want her back but that is not your problem.

She’s massively taking the piss and you should never have agreed to her not paying her way. But as it’s family I’d stick to the March deadline and give her notice to be out by the end of February. That way no-one can accuse you of being U and she has plenty of time to find a new place.

Ignore anything your mum says.

If you can't complain about someone who

• doesn't pay rent
• doesn't clean, cook or tidy up
• wakes you up at 4am in a mardy mood at you having the audacity to be asleep in your own home at 4am when they couldn't be bothered to tell you they were coming back even after you asked them to

...when you are 34 weeks pregnant, then when can you?

Plus points if you can chuck her out without screaming in a hormonal mess! Seriously though, she doesn't give a shit about you, your DH, your unborn child or your toddler - why are you being so damn nice about it?

Maybe have some options lined up for her to view (flat share etc) if you can pull that information together.

The sister is 23. Why can't she do this herself? She's clearly taking the piss.

Having read your update, OP - I limped home to parents or older sisters several times when I was young and reckless. Always glad of the rescue! As I grew older I was able to do the same for sisters’ children. Let’s hope your sister gets her act together soon.

You can stay a loving big sister and let her visit etc, but don’t let yourself get pushed into Mum role again. I would have suggested helping her find a flat, but as she’s not working and probably not looking for realistic work (as opposed to a dream job), she’d just be sponging off your parents anyway.

I hope she grows up and appreciates you. But more importantly, this is a time to focus on yourself and your family life. Starting with a bit of us-time with your kind-hearted husband.

This is nuts. My little sister is 25 and has been living in London since starting uni at 19. Her first job out of uni was an assistant type job on about 20k a year and she managed to survive!

In the long run you’ll be doing her a favour by asking her to move out. Being fired from her job should have been that wake up call but moving back to mum and dad might make her grow up.

She’s 23 but acting like a 14yr old. Anyone with any sense would have been so grateful for rent free accommodation (especially in a very expensive place to live) and would have repaid it with baby sitting/homework etc. If she wasn’t so entitled it could have been an arrangement that worked very well but she chose to blow it.

f you can't complain about someone who ... when you are 34 weeks pregnant, then when can you?

Totally agree.

Use your hormonal swamp as a reason to get her to sling her hook. Everyone will understand, plus the fact you will need more space to nest as a family once the baby is here.

6 weeks vs relationship with sister and mother. Grit your teeth it’s not long.

What @letmebefrank said.
Your sister needs a short sharp shock, she’s taking the piss big time.
Your husband needs apology OP. He(and your DC) are your primary family now, not your sister.

She's taking the piss wouldn't be half as bad if she was respectful and grateful .

Put some bin bags in her room and tell her to fill them.

Kick her out. You've put up with her treating you and your home like crap for months but she crossed a line last night. She has no respect for you at all.

Your worry should be about your home and your family, not about her. And if your mother argues her corner, that would be completely unfair.

What. Babybrain77 said. Do not enter into any discussion /argument this has to happen now. Give you, hubby and little one some time to yourselves before the new one arrives.
Phone your mum and say that sis is moving back this week, you can no longer have her. Again no discussion.

I do think a week of notice is quite short

She's not getting just a week's worth though is she? She's actually had months of notice because she was told this would end when the baby arrives - and she's done nothing

Sorry, OP, but I agree with the PP who said you're being very unfair on your DH here; he deserves some peace in his own home too, and it's blatantly obvious DSis has no intention of shifting until you shift her

So shift her

I'm so glad you're having that conversation now, you're 6 weeks away from baby and it doesn't sound like shes made any move to find somewhere else to live and as she doesn't have a job how could she afford anywhere anyway?
It sounds like she was just planning on not leaving.
Don't let anyone give you lines about her staying to help when the baby arrives either as shes proven she will be little to no help.

6 weeks vs relationship with sister and mother. Grit your teeth it’s not long.

But the sister has no plans to leave. Are you really suggesting that OP go right up to her due date in this situation? If her relationship with her sister and mother is dependent on her being a doormat and her husband having to suck up being used as a free hotel, then is that a relationship worth preserving?

This is her home. Her H wasn't keen in the first place but has gone along with it. I find it baffling that the recommendation is for OP to continue with the status quo. Her sister swans in and out, doesn't help with any of the household chores, and thinks it's acceptable to shout at a heavily pregnant woman at 4am because she was too drunk and lazy to reply to a text - and OP should continue to accommodate her rent and bill and chore free?

Good to speak to her now. Since she doesn't have a job she is fine to move back to your parents. Don't engage in arguments about it with either her or your mum. It doesn't require discussion, only action.

1 week to move out as you have to decorate the room and prepare for the new baby.

It sounds like you've bent over backwards to support her and she's taken advantage of you. How many people get to live rent free in London!

She could have used the opportunity to really set herself up, as a stepping stone in her career , and to find her own place. But she hasn't.

I don't think people like this change. She'll probably move back in with your parents and take advantage of them too but that's not your problem. You have your family and new baby to prioritise.

I don't think you need to sort out where your sister goes to, whether your mum's or elsewhere. She should be able to sort that out as she is 23 and has all the time in the world.

You don't want to get into a push-and-pull argument with your sister and mother and have your mother's timing as another excuse for your sister to stay longer. She can always sofa surf, if necessary. Don't let her make her accommodation your problem. Step away.

This is straight forward.

DS as you know this arrangement was always temporary as we have a baby due soon and need the space. You need to move out by X date so we have time to arrange everything for the new arrival.

Simple your home, your family comes first.