Sister living at our flat

[user1464279374]

So I'm in the very fortunate position of living in a spacious flat in London, which I own with my husband (thanks to his family's generosity/wealth, not my own hard work - I'll put that out there straight away!). We have a toddler and another baby on the way end of March.

My sister graduated university last summer and in the Autumn got a job in central London. Having been a struggling graduate years ago myself paying London rent (we are not from the city) I offered (with my husband's I suppose reluctant blessing) for her to stay in our spare room for free. The vague end date for that was new baby's arrival when we'll need a bit more space.

In return there was supposed to be a lot of babysitting, which hasn't really materialised. But I guess that's partly our own fault for not asking much in advance.

She was fired from this job before Christmas and is now job hunting but is still staying with us. After being home for the holidays my husband is not enjoying the lack of privacy now she's back and is itching for us to have our space again (and saying as much quite frequently). I always feel the guilt of 'but I can help, and I wish someone had helped me' but I do feel like she's taking the situation for granted and not pulling her weight.

Her room is always a mess, she's borrowing my clothes, doesn't contribute to general cleaning or cooking, and the reason I'm posting at 4am is she just turned up home from a night out waking me up. I'd asked her to text me before 1am if she was coming back (sometimes she stays with a friend) and she didn't so I locked up. So I wake up to banging at the door and her angry that I'd locked it. No apology. Luckily the toddler stayed asleep.

I just feel like we suddenly have a teenager living with us, and an ungrateful one at that. Part of me thinks she should understand that these things require some give and take, even if they are a favour from family.

Should I ask her to go back to our parents now she doesn't have a real reason to be here, so we can get the flat in shape a bit sooner for new baby? Should I be asking for some token rent? I don't much have the energy for huge arguments that might end up involving my mother who will inevitably try to persuade us she should stay. Should we just wait it out, given it's only another 6 weeks or so?

Thank you - would love to hear what you would do in this situation!

There's definitely a bit of a weird thing of feeling guilty for landing on my feet so owing her, and I know that's fucked up.

I disagree. You have worked but also had some luck and its important to acknowledge that luck part and pay forward. Too many people claim full credit for success and ignore their luck/fortunate relationships.

However it may be the best you can do now is to help her get back on track for work but do it remotely rather than under the same roof.

How old is she and is this behaviour normal for her?

She sounds a bit immature. I let a cousin stay with us once and she behaved like this, much younger that her 23 years, was relieved when she left. My sister would NEVER have behaved like this at that age, she’s was always really helpful around our house and with the kids, and aware if being in some one else’s hse.

Gosh OP, I feel for you.

I do think a week of notice is quite short. Maybe offer a month and have some options lined up for her to view (flat share etc) if you can pull that information together.

Or, you can say something like "it's been lovely having you to stay, but, unfortunately, we need our space back for the baby now. Perhaps give Mum and Dad a call to help you pack up and move home"

I do think a week of notice is quite short. Maybe offer a month and have some options lined up for her to view (flat share etc) if you can pull that information together.

A week is plenty of notice. She can move home to their parents while looking for alternative accommodation. It's not up to op to look for that alternative accommodation. Her sister is damn well old enough to do it herself.

Shes behaving like a spoilt brat. I think a conversation is due about her behaviour last night and you’d be doing her a favour kicking her out. People really grow up when they start living on their own ( in their own flat share, away from parebts and paying their own bills!!)

@C8H10N4O2

I agree with this sentiment entirely, especially because I work in an industry full of nepotism and privilege which is never never acknowledged. But yes perhaps best to help in other ways.

She's 23. To be honest I couldn't tell you what's normal as we'd not lived together for a long while before this and we have a biggish age gap. I do know there is a classic younger child older child dynamic in our family and she tends to be babied whereas I feel a bit like I can do no right (!).

I'm surprised at how many people are suggesting involving your Mum or telling her to go back there. She must be 21/22yo? So definitely an adult. I'd also not be mentioning rent, babysitting or even her waking you up at 4am, as it just gives her a reason to say 'i'm sorry, i'll do more etc' which then undermines your point that even if she does those things you want her to go anyway.

As I read it even if she was an amazing house guest you want her to go. If this is the case i'd stick to the facts. Baby is coming you need to be out by x date etc. I wouldn't suggest Mum's or any alternatives as you are then making it part of your problem to solve. It isn't. Don't continue to infantilise her. If she says 'where will I go?' say you thought she'd have plans already as she knew this day was coming. Sympathise but be firm. Don't be drawn in to fixing this.

If she wants to go back to your Mums I'd say that was between the 2 of them to sort out. If your Mum calls you say you had always been clear this was only till the baby comes and now it's coming. (6 weeks is no time)

It sounds like she's living the London life and enjoying it, but with no job and no money that has to come to an end now. Incidentally how far from London is your home town?

She needs to go now.

She's already been a CF, not doing any cleaning or other housework.

Your DH didn't want her there from the start. He wants his own space. He was willing to tolerate her presence IF she pulled her weight, acted like a grown up and fitted in. She hasn't done and has totally failed to recognise that this is his home and your DC's too.

You need to stop behaving as if this is solely your home to share. It's theirs too. You're being very unfair.

partly I'm always terrible at standing up to my family for a multitude of reasons.

It might be of value to think carefully/get some therapy to help you work through your family dynamic growing up. For example is she a bit of a "golden child"?

Her behaviour sounds awful.

I do think a week of notice is quite short. Maybe offer a month and have some options lined up for her to view (flat share etc) if you can pull that information together.

Or, you can say something like "it's been lovely having you to stay, but, unfortunately, we need our space back for the baby now. Perhaps give Mum and Dad a call to help you pack up and move home"

???

Or you could tell her that she is behaving like a brat and enough is enough. Remind her that the the agreement was that she left before the baby's arrival, give her a final date to leave by and give yourselves enough time in that deadline to get things sorted.

However, also firmly remind her that you are doing her a favour that you were happy to offer, but she is absolutely taking the piss, you are not her parents and you are not going to put up with it. She can either behave like an adult (and apologise for last night), or she can bugger off now - her choice!

If she

• kept room clean
• paid rent of say 300 pcm
• kept to reasonable household hours
• wasn’t behaviourally a brat

Would you feel differently? You could give her this as a probation option for say 1 month.....if no change, say leave. Personally I’d give her a very clearly laid out option. You OP are a sucker and have enabled this behaviour in part I’m sorry to say!

I would emphasise the point by moving baby "things" into the room eg changing table, cot etc etc perhaps buy paint/paper and deposit that there to show her you mean business!

I'd have a quick conversation tonight and then I'd reiterate the conversation to your parents. I wouldn't make it about things that she's done wrong as in a couple of years she'll probably realise, it's not worth a family rift. Don't feel too guilty about it, she doesn't have a job which relies on accommodation with you, she's had her chance.

Tell her that although you've loved having her here it's time to sort the room out for the baby. You're starting next weekend so she's got the week to move her stuff back to your parents' house. She'll realise from the timing of the conversation that her behaviour last night wasn't acceptable and has been the last straw, you don't have to say anything.

It's perfect timing, no one can argue with your reasons and if they did they'd be the unreasonable ones.

She needs to go. Why are you enabling her and letting her treat you like a mug?

She sounds ridiculously immature. And at 23, why would the suggestion be to move back in with parents?
She needs to get a house share or something, and a temp job, even if that involves (possibly temporarily) moving out of London (gasp!!)

You realise you'll be full term at 37 weeks and could give birth at any time?

She’s not working and she’s got somewhere to go. Get her out today.

The problem is that if the rest of the family infantilise her then the OP is fighting a losing battle by being the one to make her take responsibility, and being so heavily pregnant I don't think that's something she should be taking on. Infantilise her, back to mummy and daddy's, their problem. Job done! Maybe she'll grow up one day, maybe not. Not the OP's problem though.

Trying to fight against it is futile when the rest of the family won't support, giving the real reasons will just cause conflict and a battle she can't win.

@Bakedbrie don't you think she's had a long enough 'probation period'?

OP is due to give birth in 10 weeks and her husband doesn't want her sister there anyway. She's doing the right thing in asking her to go.

Do come back and let us know her reaction...

And I'm sure her parents will take her back in. What happens next-who knows?

Why would you be waiting up till 1am for her? Can’t you just give her a key?

I think it is generous and fair to appreciate your own good fortune and use it to support others where possible.

But it is also fair not to expect the people you give a leg up to not to take the piss.

It would have been really reasonable to have offered a month or 6 weeks in your flat to give her time to find her feet.

She got fired, she isn’t putting in the work you put in when you started out.

There is a difference between appreciating the importance of a bit of support and being generous enough to offer it, and feeling guilty that you have good fortune and feeling obliged to share it because you don’t feel ‘deserving’.

You have done the former and she hasn’t made the best opportunity of it. Don’t succumb to the latter.

@Bakedbrie - probation for a month???? Did you miss the bit about the baby being due in 6 weeks time? Are you the sister trying to cling on to a cheap party lifestyle for a few more weeks?

She’s not even paying rent or helping?! Definitely taking the piss, acting like a teenager with you in the role of mum. You don’t need this stress at 7 months pregnant. She has to leave.

Give her two weeks’s notice, maximum. She is obviously in a bit of a mess (why was she fired?) but she’s doing nothing to help herself. Your kindness is just enabling her to keep messing up. To keep family relationships sweet, have a friendly chat with your parents before she gets home and starts bad-mouthing you!

If you haven't already, you should be banging on her bedroom door early this morning with bin bags in hand, telling her to start packing up her room, she's out. She can go back to your parents.

Selfish, entitled little cow.