Sister living at our flat

[user1464279374]

So I'm in the very fortunate position of living in a spacious flat in London, which I own with my husband (thanks to his family's generosity/wealth, not my own hard work - I'll put that out there straight away!). We have a toddler and another baby on the way end of March.

My sister graduated university last summer and in the Autumn got a job in central London. Having been a struggling graduate years ago myself paying London rent (we are not from the city) I offered (with my husband's I suppose reluctant blessing) for her to stay in our spare room for free. The vague end date for that was new baby's arrival when we'll need a bit more space.

In return there was supposed to be a lot of babysitting, which hasn't really materialised. But I guess that's partly our own fault for not asking much in advance.

She was fired from this job before Christmas and is now job hunting but is still staying with us. After being home for the holidays my husband is not enjoying the lack of privacy now she's back and is itching for us to have our space again (and saying as much quite frequently). I always feel the guilt of 'but I can help, and I wish someone had helped me' but I do feel like she's taking the situation for granted and not pulling her weight.

Her room is always a mess, she's borrowing my clothes, doesn't contribute to general cleaning or cooking, and the reason I'm posting at 4am is she just turned up home from a night out waking me up. I'd asked her to text me before 1am if she was coming back (sometimes she stays with a friend) and she didn't so I locked up. So I wake up to banging at the door and her angry that I'd locked it. No apology. Luckily the toddler stayed asleep.

I just feel like we suddenly have a teenager living with us, and an ungrateful one at that. Part of me thinks she should understand that these things require some give and take, even if they are a favour from family.

Should I ask her to go back to our parents now she doesn't have a real reason to be here, so we can get the flat in shape a bit sooner for new baby? Should I be asking for some token rent? I don't much have the energy for huge arguments that might end up involving my mother who will inevitably try to persuade us she should stay. Should we just wait it out, given it's only another 6 weeks or so?

Thank you - would love to hear what you would do in this situation!

Well the good bit about her not having a job to go to is that she can move out on Monday.

C'ya

She is behaving badly. Tell her the truth, "it was only meant to be temporary and you and your husband miss your privacy, its time to move out in 7 days." If she moves back to mums then so be it. Otherwise she will always be there floating around, taking advantage of you both.

She needs to go. End of discussion.
Give her a fixed date by which she has to be out.
Speak to your parents and tell them too so that they know.
If you give her a couple of weeks notice she can decide whether she goes back to your parents or to friends or rents a room somewhere.
Whatever she chooses to do is not your problem - she needs to be gone.

Now that's she's lost her job she'll not be voluntarily leaving by the baby's due date because she won't have the money to rent somewhere and probably doesn't want to live with your parents away from London.
Time to get tough.

I would be talking to her today saying that it's not working out, you need to the room back for the baby and as she has made little attempt to help/contribute to the household, you'll need her to leave within a week. I'd maybe check this with your parents beforehand so they know that they're getting her back.

How far would she be when she lives at your parents? Could she commute?

I think your husband has been a real saint. Especially to put up with this whilst she's been taking the piss

She's not thinking of anyone else right now. They just don't. So, tell her you have to have a talk. Tell her that what happened last night was unacceptable and she has to move out. By Friday . She has to find somewhere else to live. No extension. She will be really angry and try to turn it round on you (I'm guessing) but you've been supportive. Now she has to act like an adult not a student

She’s probably not planning on leaving in six weeks you know? When were you going to have time to convert the room to a babies room?

I would ask her to leave.

Although it’s outrageous of your sister, your sister may mature with time and it’s not a good idea to ruin the relationship with an OTT reaction (eg giving her a day to leave, criticising her behaviour).

Just gently say you need the room by end of Feb to decorate and get ready for baby, worried it may come early

... and that your older sibling needs to get ready and settled with the new set up before the baby arrives to minimise disruption.

Don’t give her a chance to be bitter with you. Preserve the relationship.

Just tell her to go as you need to room to get ready for the baby. As she no need to be here now she can move out tomorrow but give her a couple of days. Def gone by next weekend. Your husband a saint. Yanbu

I would be generous and give her four weeks notice, and then give her 21 days a week later, followed 14 days and “what’s your plan” and finalised with “when you move out next Saturday...” whilst telling her your plans for decorating her room for the baby and making the cot up and plonking it outside the door.

I wouldn’t be bothered about any rent for the last few weeks, but would remind her at regular intervals of what a good start she had but now it’s time to move back home or get a house share (which won’t happen without a job).

So back home it is.

I think you've helped you sister out enough. It's not an ideal family set up especially with a new baby coming. I'd be giving her notice. Don't feel bad about it. You've been more than generous and it doesn't seem that she appreciates it.

She should be paying rent!!! She taking the Mickey. Make her go in the next Few weeks.

If you want to help allow her to stay the night before an interview, definitely does not need full time. Also be clear she is not moving in if she gets a job so she can apply closer to home if she wants.

You are far too nice, I would have been livid being woken up at 4am in those circumstances. In the cold light of day, I agree with PPs that you don't need to be nasty about it. Any sensible person would understand that a family needs a bit of time together before a new baby arrives to prepare. I would go with "DSis, DH and I would like to get new babys room ready in the coming weeks. I'll let mum and dad know that you'll be heading back to theirs this week - do you need any help getting packed up?"

I’d be telling her to move out. She doesn’t have a job anymore so no reason to stay with you.

Depending on why she was fired I think that would have been the point that I would have started making noises about her moving out (if it was her fault then fairly swiftly, if not her fault then definitely a transition to having a place to crash for interviews but not somewhere to live).

Having got to the current situation I think you need to have a frank conversation today. 1:1 would be best, either with your DH taking your child out or you and her go for coffee. You just need to tell her that the time has come for her to move out, that she doesn’t actually need to be there any more and you need time as a family to prepare for baby. Last night is just the tipping point, her behaviour was bad, but now it’s time for her to go

Tell her to go. I'd be hugely annoyed if I were your DH by now, it's all very well wanting to help others, but you've got to put your DH and DCs first and you're not.

I think it's pretty unanimous OP, she needs to return home. Sit her down today and try to have a calm chat to explain to her all the reasons why it's not working any more. Also you need time now to get the room cleaned and decorated for the baby. You've really gone above and beyond so don't feel guilty. Give DS a firm moving out date and don't be swayed by promises to change.

Does your mum try to persuade you to keep her as she doesn't want to put up with her behaviour or because your sister is generally spoilt? Either way, it doesn't help people to pander to them. She has to learn that this kind of behaviour is not on. You don't need to fall out about it, just say you need the room back as from next weekend, so as to get ready for the new baby. You'll help her pack during the week, ready to go on Saturday.

You and dh have been too kind.
Your dsis has no incentive to behave well because you’ve allowed her to act like a teenager.
Paying towards bills, keeping your flat tidy is normal responsible adulting. She doesn’t respect you or your home, tell her to leave.

Did she lose her job because she was late, disrespectful and refuse to take responsibility for herself?

She doesn’t respect you either.

I’d be waking her by very loudly packing her bags. Phone your parents and tell them that the quiet time is over. She’ll cry, she’ll get angry but she needs a reality check.

Put YOUR family first because she won’t.

Definitely don't have an all out fight. But your parents also don't have to have her back. Your sister is an adult

if se can afford nights out, she can afford a room. tell her to leave end of the month

I would link last night to the reason she has to go very soon. Make sure you tell your parents how she’s been, ready for her to twist/spin/deny it all.