Sister living at our flat

[user1464279374]

So I'm in the very fortunate position of living in a spacious flat in London, which I own with my husband (thanks to his family's generosity/wealth, not my own hard work - I'll put that out there straight away!). We have a toddler and another baby on the way end of March.

My sister graduated university last summer and in the Autumn got a job in central London. Having been a struggling graduate years ago myself paying London rent (we are not from the city) I offered (with my husband's I suppose reluctant blessing) for her to stay in our spare room for free. The vague end date for that was new baby's arrival when we'll need a bit more space.

In return there was supposed to be a lot of babysitting, which hasn't really materialised. But I guess that's partly our own fault for not asking much in advance.

She was fired from this job before Christmas and is now job hunting but is still staying with us. After being home for the holidays my husband is not enjoying the lack of privacy now she's back and is itching for us to have our space again (and saying as much quite frequently). I always feel the guilt of 'but I can help, and I wish someone had helped me' but I do feel like she's taking the situation for granted and not pulling her weight.

Her room is always a mess, she's borrowing my clothes, doesn't contribute to general cleaning or cooking, and the reason I'm posting at 4am is she just turned up home from a night out waking me up. I'd asked her to text me before 1am if she was coming back (sometimes she stays with a friend) and she didn't so I locked up. So I wake up to banging at the door and her angry that I'd locked it. No apology. Luckily the toddler stayed asleep.

I just feel like we suddenly have a teenager living with us, and an ungrateful one at that. Part of me thinks she should understand that these things require some give and take, even if they are a favour from family.

Should I ask her to go back to our parents now she doesn't have a real reason to be here, so we can get the flat in shape a bit sooner for new baby? Should I be asking for some token rent? I don't much have the energy for huge arguments that might end up involving my mother who will inevitably try to persuade us she should stay. Should we just wait it out, given it's only another 6 weeks or so?

Thank you - would love to hear what you would do in this situation!

Get her out.

Just say to her this morning, "I'm actually glad that happened last night because it's time you went home."
Dont be sorry or keep talking. Just shut up.

If your mother opens her mouth just say ' I have to put my marriage first' no other discussion. Nothing. Keep your mouth shut and let her digest that and make up whatever story she wants.
The key to all of this is saying very little. You can do it!!

Sort this out this morning and it will be a huge relief to you all.

Best of luck with the new baby.

She is taking the puss out of you, and you are taking the piss out of your husband.

He was ‘very reluctant’ in the first place, and that was when babysitting was still a promise!

Now he has had his Christmas holiday invaded, his peace and sleep disturbed, the place a mess...

It’s his home too.

You have no right to inflict this on him.

Get her out NOW and have some time re-establishing your marriage and household and enjoy some privacy before the baby comes.

You really need to get a grip, OP.

Yes, give her 2-4 weeks notice,and explain the room us no longer available as you need it for the baby.

Gosh don’t give her weeks to get out. She doesn’t have a job. She can start packing today.

Why on earth did she stay over Christmas? More’s the point, why did you let her? Absolute piss take.

I wouldn't give her multiple weeks. She doesn't need it if she's moving back to your parents.

TBH, even if it was going well she should be moving out about now to give you time to get the room ready, and more importantly to give you time as a family of three to spend time with your existing child before their sibling arrives and life changes. You won't get this time back.

Why would she want to leave, your place is cost free and housework free,she can do as she pleases and have no responsibility whatsoever ! You need to put your big girl pants on and kick her sorry ass out of the door

I would explain you need to start sorting the room so she will have to leave shortly but can stay before any interviews. She can't stay to go on nights out. I would telephone your mother and be clear and consise. Having been in your situation several times it is family pressure that you have to deal with also. My DH got zero thanks for anyone we helped. They all took the piss and then all complained when they were asked to leave. Family complained to us too so I think you should get your point across to your Mother now (which we never did because didn't want to upset them).

Don't start taking rent! Just as pp said have the chat this morning that she needs to return home this week- start preparing the room for painting/whatever to show you are serious. Is it possible with regards to where you are living/husband's family money she's pretending to be of family money too and doesn't actually need to work?

@3luckystars
Exactly.

OP, considering your husband's reluctance I think you have been very disrespectful of him and your marriage.

Both you and your sister have been very selfish.

There is a pair of you in it.

You completely disrespect your husband and home and your sister does the very same.

I would have a good hard look at yourself.

What you should have done was had set rules and the minute she started taking the piss, stepped in and told her to shape up.
You should have had an end date, that was clear to everyone, especially your husband.

Instead this has gone on for months.

Your sister does not have any right to your home.

How would you feel if this was your husband sibling? Imposing on you and your home for months on end?

She should be packing her bags and out within the next few days.

Be very careful OP of treating your husband so poorly.
This is not a recipe for a happy, healthy marriage.

You owe him an apology.

Good luck.

There’s clearly a weird dynamic at play here where you feel like you owe her because you’ve ‘landed on your feet’. You don’t.

She woke you up at 4am when you are heavily pregnant because she felt entitled to be let in to your home where she is squatting RENT FREE while you enable her party lifestyle. Kick her out and tell her that is why.

@user1464279374 l feel you and DH have been more then generous in letting her stay. The time has come for you to get ready for the next chapter in your life and you can't do that whilst she's there.

She needs to go asap as you're not going to get everything sorted overnight for the baby - especially if she hasn't kept the room pleasant.

You also have to factor in that 2nd babies sometime come early.

She is going to try and resist and protest. You may have flying monkeys saying how upset she is etc. .... but.... for the sake of your DH and DC they need to come first now.

She's not even working so she has no reason to be with uou!

Choose the day that's most convenient for you - either "I'm going to need you out of the room by Saturday" or "will you be moving out Saturday or Sunday?"

And don't make any promises about staying before interviews! She's abused your home and your hospitality, why should you promise her that when you'll have a newborn?

I think you just found out why your mum doesn't want her back home.

Does she behave like this generally? Overgrown teenager! She needs to learn that losing a job has consequences, like no money, having to move, etc, not that it's just a minor inconvenience. It might make her more careful about holding onto jobs in future.

If she’s not working she has no excuse for dragging her feet about leaving. Tell her this morning that she needs to be gone by Wednesday. No debate, no discussion, just gone and her room left in pristine condition.

She is using you and your husband and taking advantage of your generosity. Getting her out now is the best thing you can do for your health, that of your unborn child and your relationship with your husband.

If you are worried about confrontation, tell your husband your plan and the two of you sit down with her this morning and tell her what is happening. Then you call your parents and tell them that she’s coming home.

Tell her after last night you need her to leave.
Have hubby standing by, he repeats this.
Offer to help her pack.

She's your sister not your daughter, she got fired (why, I wonder - is it linked to the attitude you see at home?) so has no concrete reason to stay in London, and she's behaving very inconsiderately indeed.

I agree, give her a week's notice being very clear last night was the last straw.

Living with additional adults for more than a short visit is very trying at the best of times and she's making no effort to be an easy guest.

Some people have no respect for anything they get for free.
Your sister is one of them.

Wake her up this morning and tell her she has a week to get herself packed up and home.

She doesn't work in central London any more so has no need to stay with you. Plus the offer was only temporary and you have a baby due in 6 weeks and need the space. Being shouted at, at 4am, for locking up your own flat - the one that she is staying at rent free and treating like a hotel - is the final straw.

I would then leave her to it and get straight on the phone to your Mum to preempt your sister. Tell your Mum what happened, explain that this cannot continue as you are not her parent, and that you are unable to run round after her when you are heavily pregnant and have your own family to worry about. That the deadline is immovable and you will not change your mind as she has already overstayed her welcome, regardless of her poor behaviour.

Then stick to your guns. If there is no sign of packing up then remind her every time you see her. If you don't see her then a note on her bedroom door - Sis you need to be packed and out by next Sunday.

She'll whinge and rant and rave, but one day, when she is a bit older and more mature, she'll look back on her behaviour and cringe (especially if she has kids of her own).

I'd try to do it without upsetting the applecart too much.

Give her a weeks notice and concentrate on getting ready for the baby. You can gently point out that being woken at 4 has just made you realise you need a few weeks peace and calm before the mayhem of a new baby.

You've got a convenient excuse right now for her to go. She could have easily work. The toddler and woke her heavily pregnant sister.
Mess, helping herself to your things, no housework or babysitting. She's taking the piss.

Thank you so much for all these replies - pretty unanimous!

My post probably made me sound a bit wet in how I've responded so far; partly my 4am brain and partly I'm always terrible at standing up to my family for a multitude of reasons. But I am resolutely going to give her a week today and make sure she's out, telling my parents too. So thanks for giving me the kick up the arse I needed.

There's definitely a bit of a weird thing of feeling guilty for landing on my feet so owing her, and I know that's fucked up. Reminding myself I've also - before and alongside the wonderful husband and flat - worked really hard to establish my own career (which she is now trying to emulate in the exact same field) and done that without an ounce of help. And I can see she just isn't approaching her career or life like that so actually being firm is probably kind, like you say.

And my husband is indeed a saint - I'll have the difficult conversations then take him and the little one out for a nice afternoon! Thanks again all.

How old is she and why did she lose the job?

Nothing wrong with wanting to help a sibling, nor is it "disrespectful" to a spouse to help the wider family where means are available.

However there is a point where you might be enabling rather than helping. Impossible to say without knowing a lot more about the situation.

I’d sit her down and give her a bit of a talking to, explain why this is becoming inconvenient and why she needs to be more respectful. I would stick to the origins agreement if when new baby comes but make it clear to her she needs to find an alternative by then.

If she has any sense she start making herself useful around the house, clean, offer to babysit and come home quietly or stay at a mates if it’s going FB to be a late night...

@user1464279374 I hear you. I too live an improbably charmed lifestyle compared to the way I grew up and the rest of my family. I can’t do anything about that though - and it’s come from a bit of luck, and a lot of hard work (being given good opportunities and absolutely making the most of them, being frugal even though we could be extravagant). Don’t feel guilty, it’s nobody’s fault that you have what you have, you couldn’t exactly turn the comforts down just because other people weren’t getting them