Sister living at our flat

[user1464279374]

So I'm in the very fortunate position of living in a spacious flat in London, which I own with my husband (thanks to his family's generosity/wealth, not my own hard work - I'll put that out there straight away!). We have a toddler and another baby on the way end of March.

My sister graduated university last summer and in the Autumn got a job in central London. Having been a struggling graduate years ago myself paying London rent (we are not from the city) I offered (with my husband's I suppose reluctant blessing) for her to stay in our spare room for free. The vague end date for that was new baby's arrival when we'll need a bit more space.

In return there was supposed to be a lot of babysitting, which hasn't really materialised. But I guess that's partly our own fault for not asking much in advance.

She was fired from this job before Christmas and is now job hunting but is still staying with us. After being home for the holidays my husband is not enjoying the lack of privacy now she's back and is itching for us to have our space again (and saying as much quite frequently). I always feel the guilt of 'but I can help, and I wish someone had helped me' but I do feel like she's taking the situation for granted and not pulling her weight.

Her room is always a mess, she's borrowing my clothes, doesn't contribute to general cleaning or cooking, and the reason I'm posting at 4am is she just turned up home from a night out waking me up. I'd asked her to text me before 1am if she was coming back (sometimes she stays with a friend) and she didn't so I locked up. So I wake up to banging at the door and her angry that I'd locked it. No apology. Luckily the toddler stayed asleep.

I just feel like we suddenly have a teenager living with us, and an ungrateful one at that. Part of me thinks she should understand that these things require some give and take, even if they are a favour from family.

Should I ask her to go back to our parents now she doesn't have a real reason to be here, so we can get the flat in shape a bit sooner for new baby? Should I be asking for some token rent? I don't much have the energy for huge arguments that might end up involving my mother who will inevitably try to persuade us she should stay. Should we just wait it out, given it's only another 6 weeks or so?

Thank you - would love to hear what you would do in this situation!

OP,

You cannot change either your mother or your sister.

What you can do is, better.

Better in your own relationships.

Specifically, in your relationship with your husband.

We cannot fix the world.
What we can do, is start with out own relationships.

Start with your husband.

Start with respecting your relationship with him, and your home.

Wishing you well.,,💐💐

Good for you OP, you've done the right thing. Every stupid thing she messages you simply serves to underline what an ungrateful, immature little so and so she truly is. Ignore all of that bullshit and put you and your family first.

Confused about why people are suggesting treating her like a child e.g. lining up viewings 🙄. She needs to sort herself out and grow up. Let's be realistic, she hasn't stuck to any of the agreed things about her staying so won't bother about being out before baby is born. Clearly she has outstayed her welcome and needs to go. Whether that's to your parents or elsewhere, is her job to sort. You have lots of other things to keep you occupied. Don't bother taking her stuff, she can come to collect it

Thanks all. It probably sounds naive but I'm shocked at how hurtful some of the things she's said have been. And yet I still feel guilty. Emotions to work on I suppose!

Glad I stood my ground, as you all say, for my family's sake (DH and DC). Hopefully she understands with time. Thanks for giving me the kick I needed!

Have you told her she's moving out this week OP ? or has that conversation still to actually occur ?

@Bumblebeee69 yes she's collecting her stuff this week

Just remember OP you've been trained by your mother to feel guilty about asserting yourself and putting your own needs above hers and your sister's. But you can unlearn that trained response.

Really well done for keeping your boundaries. And remember your mother is doing your sister as much a disservice by giving her this sense of entitlement as she is to you by treating you so poorly. Non family members will be far less willing to pander to her as she found out from her previous employer!

Let me share with you my rules for women to live by.

Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Always put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

The brass neck!

Well, for as long as your Mum is happy to be woken at 4am you may well stay in role as black sheep.

Never mind.

Karma plays a long game.

Well, good luck.

You could write details of everything she's done that completely disrespects you and your dh's generosity, how she's not lifted a finger to help, is unapologetic and unhelpful etc etc. Then send it to your mum suggesting that she may not want to be treated that by her too (but if she does, that's her choice not yours).

Personally I wouldn't bother trying to prove or justify yourself any further to either of them. If you are the black sheep then there is nothing you can do to change this and they will find a way to be dissatisfied and project their anger at you whatever you say or do. Please try and concentrate on your family with your DH, toddler and baby to come.

I know it hurts, but actually once you distance yourself and get used to being outside the loop then you will realise that the peace it brings is worth much more than having a family that can only put you down or twist you up. You just have to be willing to let go of the belief that you need to stay involved. You don't. Blood is not thicker than water. Love is peaceful.

You might have to have it packed and waiting for her on the landing, OP....

She sounds manipulative.. not to mention selfish, ungrateful, disrespectful... sound like her employer thought so too. At least she has gone now.

Your mother and she deserve each other. It is not normal to bitch at a heavily pregnant woman, who is looking out for her family. Strange how these things only work one way with them. . I am the family scapegoat.

cheeky cow.
No wonder she got herself fired.

Yes you definitely need to work on that inappropriate guilt. It led you to let her get away with far too much for far too long despite the harm to your family. Distance yourself from them for a while if you can't detach yet while in contact

Well done💐

Entitled little madam! You’re well rod there! And ignore any guilt trips etc-you did not do this, you cannot change this. You can change how you react and behave to all their nonsense💕

Since you can afford it maybe change the locks.
Or she might just turn up to stay.

@user1464279374 well done. I'm sorry she is reacting the way she is but that is to be expected. Even if you had allowed her to stay two years, she would still react like that. I know it's hurts that you let her stay, convinced your DH, potentially put a strain on your marriage to help her and rather than get a thank you, you get abuse. Been there done that. Focus on your new baby now.

What baol said . The saying let no good deed go unpunished comes to mind

brilliant OP.. it's hard but the right thing to do.. especially as you now know exactly what they think of you

I can’t believe how stupid your sister has been.

If I had been 23 with a sister with a spacious flat in London and I was living there rent free, I would be trying so hard not to be a pain so they would let me stay as long as possible.

It's just not compatible, she has a totally different lifestyle to yours and seems unwilling to compromise so as to be a lower impact houseguest for you and your husband and toddler.

Set a moving out date and help her as much as you see fit (which might well be not at all - you have already helped her a great deal, OP) to find a place, move her stuff, etc.

Apparently she's 'very aware how little respect I have' for the 'concept' of family...

Ask how her much respect she is showing by taking free board and lodging for several months, contributing little or nothing by way of help with housekeeping and babysitting, leaving your flat in a mess, and expecting the household to revolve around her.