Sister living at our flat

[user1464279374]

So I'm in the very fortunate position of living in a spacious flat in London, which I own with my husband (thanks to his family's generosity/wealth, not my own hard work - I'll put that out there straight away!). We have a toddler and another baby on the way end of March.

My sister graduated university last summer and in the Autumn got a job in central London. Having been a struggling graduate years ago myself paying London rent (we are not from the city) I offered (with my husband's I suppose reluctant blessing) for her to stay in our spare room for free. The vague end date for that was new baby's arrival when we'll need a bit more space.

In return there was supposed to be a lot of babysitting, which hasn't really materialised. But I guess that's partly our own fault for not asking much in advance.

She was fired from this job before Christmas and is now job hunting but is still staying with us. After being home for the holidays my husband is not enjoying the lack of privacy now she's back and is itching for us to have our space again (and saying as much quite frequently). I always feel the guilt of 'but I can help, and I wish someone had helped me' but I do feel like she's taking the situation for granted and not pulling her weight.

Her room is always a mess, she's borrowing my clothes, doesn't contribute to general cleaning or cooking, and the reason I'm posting at 4am is she just turned up home from a night out waking me up. I'd asked her to text me before 1am if she was coming back (sometimes she stays with a friend) and she didn't so I locked up. So I wake up to banging at the door and her angry that I'd locked it. No apology. Luckily the toddler stayed asleep.

I just feel like we suddenly have a teenager living with us, and an ungrateful one at that. Part of me thinks she should understand that these things require some give and take, even if they are a favour from family.

Should I ask her to go back to our parents now she doesn't have a real reason to be here, so we can get the flat in shape a bit sooner for new baby? Should I be asking for some token rent? I don't much have the energy for huge arguments that might end up involving my mother who will inevitably try to persuade us she should stay. Should we just wait it out, given it's only another 6 weeks or so?

Thank you - would love to hear what you would do in this situation!

@MrsKoala it's about an hour and a half on the train. My dad commutes and I used to when I first left university so it's 100% doable.

@MollyButton definitely some golden child/scapegoat stuff been going on for years. I had a lot of therapy as a teenager but never really got into the stuff that m

@MollyButton sorry posted too soon! Was saying I haven't got into lots of stuff that might be useful as an adult. Will look into it!

Don’t negotiate! Don’t tolerate pleading/begging etc. If she gets into the nasty territory, throw her out, the no nonsense. She has royally taken the piss.

Out Out Out Out Out.

Out with bells on.

You should take your DH out for a slap up meal and apologise for putting him through this!

Yes she's your sister but she sounds like an entitled brat!

You say you're in her industry. Is it normal to be fired or is it because she was lazy or something?

In any case I think you should give her a week or two notice today, and don't allow for any negotiation.

No good deed goes unpunished!

Time for this freeloader to return the key and move on (and make sure she doesn’t leave with a heap of your clothes)

Awkward but as someone said upthread you shouldn’t fall out with your sister, ok she’s taken the piss it’s best to be as nice as possible- afterall it’s going to be your New borns auntie

Have you told her yet? How did she take it?

Good luck OP. Regardless of how your two lives compare she has been living with you rent free. The sensible side of her would have been saving money not spent on rent and utilities and therefore should be able to support herself living back at your parents house. At 23 I had a full time job and drove 80 minutes each way. It's unfortunate that she lost her job but you have priorities and ideally your parents would support you and understand your need for space. I decorated at 34 weeks pregnant and would not have wanted to leave it much longer.

If she gets a job in London then will she really be able to afford somewhere to live? In which case she's going to ask to stay with you longer and say well if I leave now I will have to resign and it'll all be your fault ....!!

Is she still in bed ? I would be getting her out pronto and tell her you will not tolerate her shouting at you, especially as you are doing her a favour. Tell her to get packing

We had a v similar situation with my BIL. He came to stay 'for a few weeks' as he got a job near us and needed to find a place to stay long term. We had a new born but he's a nice guy and I could cope for a few weeks. 3 months later he was still here, not contributing to food or bills (I think he cooked for us twice). We asked him to start contributing a nominal amount and he moaned about it, but did. A few weeks later he still hadn't made a concerted effort to find somewhere to stay so we asked him to pay full market rate. Funnily enough he had a place to live within a week. So bloody cheeky!

Your DH and children come before your sister who is taking the p$$s.

I would be generous and give her four weeks notice, and then give her 21 days a week later, followed 14 days and “what’s your plan” and finalised with “when you move out next Saturday...” whilst telling her your plans for decorating her room for the baby and making the cot up and plonking it outside the door.

This

I would also start storing baby stuff in her room, to make it clear you will be redecorating and also arrange for her bed and/or any furniture in her room that needs to go into storage to be picked up or go into storage for the leaving date you set. That way you both can't go back on your word.

Crikey OP.. get her packed and out.. for your sake and your poor husbands sake... and stand your ground Lady

In my opinion there is no time like the present- so get a roll of black bin bags knock on her door and say
I’ve been thinking about how things are going to work out and last night just brought things to a head for me. The baby is due very soon in fact I could have the baby anytime between now and March. As you know this was only ever going to be a temporary arrangement. We are going to need this spare room (not your room) back to decorate and put the baby’s stuff in ASAP. I’d like you to start packing up and I’d like you gone as soon as possible. Here are some black bags - I’m happy to store a few till the end of the week if it’s too much to move all at once. You’re not working so you can spend today and tomorrow packing up and I’ll run you to the station to get to mums Wednesday or Thursday. Otherwise we can have a look on spare rooms for a house share if you need to stay in London.

Be firm. I am wondering whether she has been intending to stay even after the baby's born. For her own sake she needs to be moved on.

She seems to have had no problem in taking advantage of your kind & generous nature, nor does she seem to have felt any guilt for letting you down so badly. Please dont feel bad in telling her it's time she moved on, OP.

Best wishes for the new baby's arrival.

“I would be generous and give her four weeks notice, and then give her 21 days a week later, followed 14 days and “what’s your plan” and finalised with “when you move out next Saturday...” whilst telling her your plans for decorating her room for the baby and making the cot up”

Generous to who? Not the OP’s DH!
And that timescale takes her to the brink of March when the baby comes.

The sister has no need to even be in London now she no longer has her job.

She needs to go.
You don't want her moving out the day before the baby is born, you want time before that to prepare. And babies can and do come early - a baby born 3 weeks earlier than the due date is still considered "term", it's not that unusual - happened to me 3 times! I'm mentioning it as extra arsenal for you.

Ignore all those people saying it's up to you to preserve the relationship etc. Crazy! Relationships are two-way and establishing boundaries are key. Your parents set the boundaries for you growing up, and gave you both very poor ones: yours too generous to others, hers taking the piss without remorse. Neither do either of you any favours. Her behaviour got her fired and will mean losing her gilt-edged free accommodation. Think of it that you are giving her a gift by teaching that actions have consequences.

In some ways she is giving you a gift that you need to learn to re-draw your boundaries with your family. They cannot continue to guilt you into backing down to their demands and poor treatment. Find a therapist who specialises in dysfunctional family relationships. An integrative-relational therapist would really help you to explore what's going on here. Put your husband, who treats you well, above your family, who clearly don't. Good luck OP.

Ignore all those people saying it's up to you to preserve the relationship etc. Crazy! Relationships are two-way

Exactly this. It IS up to you to preserve your relationship with your husband after your sis has taken the per!

Have you spoken to her yet?