I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

But you'll get all the Pollyanna types here (who grew up in 'normal' families and had that support well into adulthood) sticking their fingers in their ears and crying "age is only a number." It's delusional

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I don’t have any family, have had anyone since I was 21.

Even before that I was in and out of care

I think of you want to go for it then go for it. We only get one shot at this life and we have to do the things that make us happy.
Your DH will be an older parent but that's not necessarily a bad thing as it brings with it wisdom and experience.
For those commenting that a child might lose a parent young, that could happen to anyone! Lots of children lose young parents due to accidents and illness.
Don't let fear of these things dictate your future!
If you don't fancy IVF then leave it up to fate and try naturally
Good luck

İ would feel sorry for the child at the higher risk of losing a parent at a very young age. İt could happen anyway but a higher risk. Also a higher risk of complications for you and baby and of disabilities. İf that were to happen can you Cope? İf something happened to DH can You cope? İf something happened to both of you who would care for the child?

@Itwasntme1 I don't think 60 is too old for a puppy!
My Mum got a miniature schnauzer puppy at 66 and he's now 9. He has changed her life for the better since Dad died, he's kept her going!
Also, she knows that (god forbid) she passes away before the dog, that I would take him. I adore Alfie as much as she does and would take good care of him. Go for it!

Interestingly, I had read that a child has a 1 in 20 chance of losing one parent before they reach 18 and (assuming deaths in parents are independent - which they may not be since both may die in the same accident) therefore a 1 in 400 chance of losing both parents before they are 18.

This interesting geeky chart shows that:

For a man aged 57, the chance of him dying in the next 20 years (i.e. more or less the same as above) is about 30%.
For a woman aged 43 it's 8% so the chance of losing both is about 3 in 125.

I tried this for my own family - DD is 5 though DS is 8 so the chance of DH at his age dying before DS reaches adulthood is 16% and the chance of both of us dying before both children are 25 is 1 in 10.

However, given the longevity in both DH and my family (and the sprightly nature of old age in my own family) I'd say my own chances of dying in the next 20 years are vanishingly small apart from accidents (and the chances of me being alive and needing serious care within 20 years are actually zero, again barring accidents).

For our DCs, losing DH is a real risk and would be traumatic but would not impact on their financial well being, my ability to look after them etc.
I'd better drive carefully and look both ways crossing the road then!

Your DH is far too old imo and your pregnancy would be incredibly risky too. If you fell pregnant immediately (not likely at your age) and all went well then he’d be 75 by the time the child turned 18. That’s Grandad age, not Dad age. Say it takes you two years to fall pregnant? He’d be almost 80!

I’m amazed he even has the energy or desire to have a baby tbh, perhaps it’s because he’s never had one so doesn’t fully know how much work they actually are.

(Further investigation reveals that the 1 in 20 and therefore 1 in 400 is about right, maybe a bit high - Mean age of fatherhood in the UK is 33, at which point dad has a 4% chance of dying in the next 20 years. Mean age of motherhood is 30 with a 3% chance of dying all other things being equal, but there's a tiny increase due to maternity).

@seltaeb why is it unfair?

I have a family member who is 72 he has 5 children, his youngest being 12 years old. They do family activities all the time, a lot of them being very physical as well. He is a great dad and role model and his age doesn’t affect it at all.

@Oldoryoung I know plenty of parents of similar age with young children and have never once thought that they’re too old. If that’s what your and you DH want then I say go for it!

@gamerwidow My mums in her early 70s and doesn’t need physical care but she still needs someone to phone everyday and take her to the shops, gp, dentist, opticians, help her with her bills etc

Really?! My Mum is 76 and works in online banking! Has an iPad & a smartphone she operates perfectly (better than me in many ways) drives a nice car, walks for miles with her Dog and has a cracking social life! (Much better than mine, she's out every night with various friends!)

I'm really shocked that your Mum struggles so much when not even 80 yet? Does she have severe health issues?

I agree with broken.
My mum is 77 and is about to do a world tour!

It can’t really be that shocking to realise that many people in their seventies do have health issues that impact on their life can it?

Are people honestly in disbelief that some elderly people need a bit more help than others?

My mum is 75 and dying of cancer. My Dad is now 80, but spent his 70s suffering from dementia. While some people in their 70s are active and independent, it's by no means universal.

@Broken2020

I'm really shocked that your Mum struggles so much when not even 80 yet? Does she have severe health issues?

I'm really shocked that you're really shocked.

You do realise that we're not all the same? Not the same life experiences, not the same opportunities, finances, health, circumstances?

How patronising can you be?

Are you relatively wealthy op? If I you are I say go for it!! Slightly different if you are already on the breadline as your dh will be on a very reduced income soon.

gamerwidow My mums in her early 70s and doesn’t need physical care but she still needs someone to phone everyday and take her to the shops, gp, dentist, opticians, help her with her bills etc

My MIL is like that, and has been since my FIL died in a car accident at 64. Whereas my DM (80) isn't like that all, and still spends 2 or 3 months every year working in Africa. (I think it's a case of the shackles coming off since my F died, as he was very controlling of her).

I'm an older mum, obviously, but that's more because of how the system works when it comes to adoption. (And if we hadn't adopted our DDs when we had, who would have done? There are very few younger couples applying to adopt.)

Are you sure you can afford it?

Babies are very expensive. Your husband is about to retire and be on a relatively small pension in comparison to his wage. Yeah you have a house you can sell, but as you point out you are in the North, so it isn't worth as much as down south.

Plus, what if you or he becomes ill soon after? It's more likely to happen the older you are after all. More likely to be issues with birth, then you'll hit menopause, more likely for problems with the child.

I wouldn't judge as such but I would think you're mad. Who on earth goes into retirement thinking lets have another baby? There's more potential negatives than potential positives as well for it, which makes it too risky to me. But it's your life.

gamerwidow My mums in her early 70s and doesn’t need physical care but she still needs someone to phone everyday and take her to the shops, gp, dentist, opticians, help her with her bills etc

Dmil (94) up to 2 years ago lived on her own. Went out with friends each day. Shopped and looked after herself.
Was an active member of the Bridge club

Had no issues with mobility and was sharp as a knife

I don’t see these people who are 60 (my age) and have difficulty with mobility and being able to go places on their own. I don’t envisage being helpless in 10 years time and needing people to help me pay bills or go places.

@Oliversmumsarmy What you envision and what will actually happen are two different things though aren't they.

@Lizzie0869 what does your mother do in Africa? Asking as I love hearing stories like this, it gives you hope that a lot of fulfilment can still be found as we age, if your health allows for this.

To the OP, tbh I wouldn't have a dc under the circumstances but it's your choice of course. You have already an amazing extended family with your dh. I wonder if having another baby is an expression of denial wrt growing older and entering a new phase in life. e.g. post young children.

In your situation I'd try and look at improving your career, or stepping down and enjoying life, not dealing with a young dc.

I don’t envisage being helpless in 10 years time and needing people to help me pay bills or go places.
My mum was very independent too. Single mother for most of my life always worked and looked after her own house. Then 2 bouts of cancer, a brain aneurysm, depression and arthritis and vision loss got the better of her.
Life doesn't always work out as planned.
My Dad is 72 and completely independent, my nan and grandad were independent well into their 80s. It's luck of the draw how you'll manage and you won't know until you get there sadly.

@TestingTesla I think you're definitely right about that. My DM is in a totally different place from my MIL, who is also a widow and 79. My DM is involved in completing the translation of the New Testament into Manjaku, a minority language in Guinea-Bissau and The Gambia. She also supports pastors and church projects

It's what she always wanted to do, but my F used to guilt trip her into not going away and accused her of being unfaithful (he was the one who had previously abused his DDs).

My relationship with her is complex because of the past. But I can see now how controlling my F was, and how manipulative.

This post really stands out for me

'I loved my parents but was a carer aged 13. Don't do it it it isn't fair. They stole my life'

I don't see a big problem for children having older parents. It has its advantages (parents more mature, have more experience) and disadvantages (parents may die when children are relatively younger).. And there have always been lots of children with older parents: younger children in large families; children adopted by their grandparents. The problem is more that older mothers may find it harder to become pregnant and the babies may be more likely to have Down syndrome and other disabilities. But with modern medicine it is possible to overcome some of the problems.

Thank you @Lizzie0869 that sounds like a very interesting project. I'm sorry to hear about your complex past . I have actually worked in The Gambia twice for short periods of time in a science related capacity and thoroughly enjoyed my visits there.