I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

I think some fertility tests might be a starting point.i never had a MC until I was 43. My odds was 50:50 and i was not shocked at the outcome hospital was lovely and said i wouldn't be a unusual age on the delivery ward at 43. However I live in a money area so the mums generally are older anyway.

What the councilling midwife did say is that all her years doing could councilling on IVF ( I wasnt ivf, that was her last job) she had never ever seen a live birth with mums own eggs at 43.

That was two years ago and biologically 40 is world away from 43 and then 45. I fell pg with dd first attempt at 39. I have another ten years before I reach menopause, but at 45 with 4 kids with the same dh I am pretty sure we are no longer viable in baby making terms.

So have the tests before you set your mind on the idea. My FSH was one point from period menopause at 35. Luckily I had two more kids naturally after that, but my clock was ticking at 35

Someone up thread said 57 is grandparent age.
It could actually be great grand parent age, my grandad was only 38 when I was born.
Personally it would be way too old for me but I'm mid 30s with a 10 year old, would have loved another one but life didn't go to plan and the logistics now would be more difficult, not right for my son or career among many other reasons.
I've mostly enjoyed having a young mum and the fact I had all of my grandparents as a part of my life until i was grown up makes me feel very lucky.
I've enjoyed being a young mum too, easy pregnancy, loads of energy, the thought of doing all the sleepless nights even at my age now I think would be more difficult than it was in my 20s.

@Accidentalaccountant Yes, the whole conversation seems to focus around the parents and how much they want it, how active they are, how secure they are, etc, etc. The wellbeing of the child in 10-20 years is way down the list when it should be the number one priority.

I hope you're doing well now despite having such a rough start

As other posters have said (where has OP gone?) who benefits from you and and a 57yr old man having a kid? (I think that about every person who chooses to have one), the theoretical latest kid wouldn’t benefit by having very old parents, especially a very very old father with sperm well past it’s best nevermind a 60 year old man with a small toddler and worse, each year. It wouldn’t be your kids who already exist. It wouldn’t be the dying, overpopulated planet. It would be for selfish, self indulgent reasons, would you not give a home to someone who already exists who no one wants?

If I'm honest I would say your DH is too old. I work in the health sector with mostly men aged late 50s to 70s. You can be as fit / healthy as you like through life but at the end of the day aging does mean wear and tear on the body which can manifest suddenly. I wouldn't risk it when your DH is approaching 60 - sorry.

For him to have an infant at this age is just an insane vanity project. Someone suggested adopting older children, which would be a good idea--except that you already have two children. He has the opportunity to parent two children well into his elderly years.

The DH of one of my closest friends started to develop Alzheimer's at age 60, a couple of years ago. He's now a shadow of his former self, which is so sad to see. Really it isn't a good idea, OP, if you're still following this thread. (Sadly I think not.)

Personally, it's too old. I'm in a similar position age wise and will not be ttc

Thank you @NeckPainChairSearch for sticking up for older parents. DH and I are 40 and expecting our first child in in April. We’re planning to have another at 42/43.

We’ve only been together 18 months and got married last October. We have a very stable loving relationship and a lot to give children. Unfortunately life doesn’t always go to plan. It took us a long time to find each other. Although having kids late isn’t ideal, it’s wanting to build a family with the person you love what ever age you are. The biological urge is a strong one. Obviously you need to be able to provide a good start for that child but likely at 57 to have a good 20 years at least to do this. If not, it’s bad luck but OP is definitely young enough.

I think people seem younger these days too so generally not the same generational gaps some of the posters on here with older parents mention.

Cat
Your DH is 17 years younger than the OP's DH.

Nobody's criticising early-forties parents. They're criticising the man who would be, realistically, sixty when he became a first time parent to an infant, if the two of them can conceive at all.

The harsh truth is that someone needs to sit that man down and tell him that the time to realise that train is leaving the station was fifteen years ago. He missed his chance just as a 60yo woman has.

@Catconfusion Why are you comparing 40 year olds to someone who is 57? What's not clicking? Or are you just looking to be offended.

Someone I know is married to a much older man.

She was 40s he was late 60s

They have 2 children.

He was a SAHD.

It works for them and their children.
They seem very happy

Children are late teens now and their father is still going strong.

I have noticed that a lot of the posters who say about when you get to 60 you are knackered and ill are those that work in the medical profession and obviously aren’t seeing the majority of 60 year olds who are still in f/t work, looking after themselves and their family, going on holiday cruising round the world and having a good time.
Why would they, they don’t go to the doctors

She was 40s he was late 60s

That is irresponsible and downright cruel.

It works for them and their children.
They seem very happy

It won't be working for the children having a dad in his 80s (if he's still alive) while they're teenagers. It will set them back massively and it's naive to think otherwise.

@motherheroic it was a statement about my situation as an older parent not a comparison. I will however be ops age when we hopefully have our second child. Also I did include my own opinion about ops partner being 57. I personally think it’s fine if they’ve considered it carefully.

I’m not quite sure why people are looking to offend each other on this thread. It’s clear Its getting a bit aggressive so I think I’d rather take a step back if people’s valid opinions cannot be valued.

Yes @AnotherEmma but some posters have made comments about OP having a baby at 43 which is when I’m planning to have my second baby. I never once said my situation is the same. If you read my comments again I also have stated an opinion on her partner being 57. I personally don’t have a problem with it.

I do think this thread is getting out of hand. People are being really critical with each other without much consideration which is rude! What a shame people can’t share thoughts and experiences without arguing and knocking each other down.

One of the issues here is that the OP herself doesn't seem particularly keen to have another baby. Her posts don't sound like a 43 year old desperate for another child before it's too late.
It sounds more like the DH is suddenly desperate for a child now that he's 57 and he is the one pushing for it.
I think that's unfair. Statistically speaking, it's much more likely that something will happen to him compared to a 43 year old man, while the child is still a minor, leaving the OP to bring up the child alone.
Yes, he may well stay fit and healthy well into his 80s but he could develop a serious illness or die.
The OP has to be prepared for such a scenario. If she had a burning desire for a child and didn't have any of her own already then maybe the situation would be different.

My husband's parents were exactly the same age as you and husband when he was born. His dad died when he was 10 and was a carer for his mum from the age of 13 onward.
I think it's very selfish if I'm being honest

It won't be working for the children having a dad in his 80s (if he's still alive) while they're teenagers. It will set them back massively and it's naive to think otherwise

He is in his 80s now and they are teenagers and as I said he is still going strong.

My DSis decided to have a third at 45 (her DH 57). They have adult children and he had been planning early retirement, so we were a bit but they’re happy and all healthy and we would never have been unsupportive.

Conception doesn’t necessarily mean a healthy “take home baby” as Prof Lesley Regan’s book on miscarriage discusses. For example lots of a late 50s man’s sperm is likely to have genetic issues. OP’s eggs. Odds of successful IVF (a live birth) are tiny.

I would also say though, anecdotally, that up until 70, my dad was incredibly healthy and active, but over 70 seems to be have been a steep decline and although he can still do many things, he seems much older now at 73 than a few years ago, endurance and health-wise. And less patient with it! His father lived to 94, so a couple of decades left hopefully, but he definitely doesn’t have the emotional energy required to raise a teenager!

@dozer I think this is a really good point. Also the risk of autism as brought up by someone else. Fertility testing would be sensible just to see where they are.

Oliversmumsarmy

Yes I base my experience working in a medical with this age group but I am also a fully functioning member of society with a few brain cells intact. I do know quite a few healthy, unbelievably fit 60 year olds. However through my job I've met many healthy people in the late 50s and 60s that have had their 'healthy' status change literally overnight. We are all aging it's a fact and our bodies pay the price. Having a child in your 60s is selfish and taking a massive risk. Take the risk if you want but fingers crossed your one of the lucky ones.

He is in his 80s now and they are teenagers and as I said he is still going strong.

I'm willing to bet that those teenagers' honest feelings about having a dad in his 80s are very different to what you think they are. And those feelings are unlikely to change as they become adults.