I'm 43, DH 57, would you criticise us for TTC?

[Oldoryoung]

Been together five years. I have DS from previous marriage, now aged 13 & 9.
I always wanted 3/4 children. Exh was abusive, I divorced him and they visit EOW.
Me & DH would dearly love another. He has none of his own, but his sister died (single parent) leaving DC late teens and he is / like a parent to them.
He is 57. I am 43.
Is that too late to TTC or look at IVF?
He is planning to retire next year, we can manage comfortably (not fund managers but we live in the north and had a house each 😂).
His DF is 89 and lives independently, my DP are still working in their 70s and my gran lives independently aged 99, 100 this year.

I am an older mum. In an ideal world i would've had DS 5- 8 years younger. I am conscious of being the oldest mum at the school gate but thee are some advantages - i am more patient, I have more time to give DS as we are financially secure and i can work fewer hours, etc etc. I do worry about the future and hope to stay fit and well and i do what i can to look after myself. OP do what is right for you and your DH. i was not the oldest at my ante-natal group ...

A lot of 'I feel' and 'look younger' on this thread. It doesn't stop your body from aging though does it?

Ok you know a fit, active couple but that isn’t “the norm”. I don’t know anyone who is age 70 and doesnt have some kind of medical issue that affects their day to day life

To be honest, I know plenty of people/couples in their 70s who are fit and healthy and certainly don't have that kind of medical issue.

It really is the norm with the people that I know - friends, family and neighbors etc. Most of them are really fit, active and healthy. My Pil's friends are all in their 70's and 80's. They do tons of socializing and traveling - more than us .

@NeckPainChairSearch I think the point is all that stuff is easily to indulge in when your children have flown the nest and you've retired. It's a different situation when your children are teenagers and you're in your 70's.

My Pil's friends are all in their 70's and 80's. They do tons of socializing and traveling - more than us grin.

yeah because they don't have teenagers.

socialising and travelling is way easier than sorting out a troubled teen day after day.

Age isn't a number. we'd all love to think it is but it isn't. It is a progression. We all know where it is we are progresing to.

Working part timr and going to the theatre is not a measure of how you'll cope as a parent. The above is optional timr limited activities once you have a child ita 24/7

Family friend is a consultant in developmental paediatrics and says both anedotes and data from his practice point to father's age being a risk factor, not only for ASD/autism but many other developmental disorders. These are conditions that cannot be screened in pregnancy and only become apparent in a baby's early years. I would strongly urge you to research this carefully at your ages and ask yourself if you could handle a child with special needs alongside your other commitments.

Speaking as someone who's parents were 40 & 45 when they had me, I think it's selfish.
I lost my Dad by the age of 21, my mum is elderly now that I've had DC and when she is no longer around, I'll have no other family as they're all dead! Died long before I became an adult 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also, childhood was boring. My parents were already tired after working all week and I was essentially left to sit in my room and read all weekend...
The difference between us was immense. The age gap between them & I was far too big.
All of the kids and parents at school thought they were my grandparents. I was incredibly envious of all the kids who's parents were late 30's early forties when they were in year 6 whilst mine were mid fifties. Their parents took them out fun places and could relate to them more.

I felt so different.....

Please don't do this to another child.

(Before anyone has a go, honest opinions were sought by OP. That's what I've given).

@AmelieTaylor If you're curious about what there is to judge, please see my post above

I wonder if the OP is still reading? Over 400 responses on this thread and she was only active for the first half an hour of it. I wonder if the overwhelming consensus of NO has given her some serious food for thought or whether she’s gone off with her fingers firmly stuck in her ears because she’s already decided...

Your age not a problem, by your DP is too old. It's not fair on the child to have a parent who is that much older than them.

op has definitely checked out😊

I do see an irony that this man is happy to have a baby at nearly 60 when I have been debating whether I should get a puppy when I retire at sixty.

I concluded I would be too old and there was a risk the dog would outlive me. I decided An older rescue dog would be more appropriate.

I’m sure some men, the type who go for 30/40 year olds when the are 50/60, purposefully choose to leave children this late and then find a younger woman so they can say ‘sorry, too tired to do much due to my age’ and opt out of all the hard bits.

I think the OP would be mad to start TTC when she has a teen and pre teen, regardless of her age (which I do think is too old incidentally and her DH's age is waaaay too old) The older ones will need support/peace in the house for big exams and there could be a toddler running amok.

Oliversmummy, I agree. I don't have much energy myself, but that's not because of my age, it's because of poor MH and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Other people my age have tons of energy. My 80 year old DM has far more energy than I do, and spends 3 months a year on her Christian charity project in Africa.

Itwasntme1

I am your age and have major plans for my future.

You most like have 25-30 years ahead of you unless you are like my friend who deliberately doesn’t look after herself and wishes herself dead because she has got too 60 and thinks she is extremely old.

So why are you curtailing your life

My mum was 39 when I was born and my dad was 57. I did get embarrassed growing up about my dads age and it wasnt something I was open about, then again I think kids will always find something embarrassing about their parents.
My dad passed away when I was 15 and this was difficult but it was an illness he could have got at any age and was only 73 when he died, so quite young.
The point is, I had a great childhood with caring parents and wanted for nothing. I'm glad my parents decided to have me! Yes its perhaps not the ideal scenario, he hasn't been able to see my daughter or watch me become an adult. As long as you are prepared for the difficulties and what could happen then I think its completely up to you.

AlexanderHalexander
My children were born at not dissimilar ages to your parents

Weekends when they were growing up were a lot of ECAs where I would hangout with other parents whilst dc were in classes then going out to eat, competitions, meet ups with friends. In the summer Legoland when they were younger then Chessington or in colder weather going into London to look round a gallery or museum, or an event, eating out and generally having a great time.

I think it had nothing to do with your parents age and more to do with your agents personality.

What you describe is what younger parents I found do

The one thing I can say is if I had children even 10 years earlier their lives would have been very different.

I was very unhappy and drained because of the type of work I did.
It was only working in an office but it was taking all my effort to keep it together I was so bored.

As soon as I went self employed I felt a lot happier and much more invigorated.

A 45 year old might sail through pregnancy and birth but struggle with her child's eating disorder/ crash out of college/ mental health problems /general angst when she's 65

But there again I have nearly 20year old children and they haven’t had eating disorders, Ds did crash out of a college course 3 weeks after starting it because it was the wrong course for him and we came up with an alternative plan with no drama. Neither dc have had MH issues
They both have dyslexia, Dd has ADD and Ds has ADHD. But I think that is inherited from me.

For me dc are very happy.

When they were younger bed time each night was about discussing the day and anything that had happened that day whether something nice or something that had upset them. Then a story or 2 till they had gone to sleep.
Even ddog would come in to the bedroom for story time and we would sometimes giggle because ddog went to sleep whilst I was reading and would be snoring away.

As they got older even now we have discussions regularly to talk about where they are going in life. If they have any problems or are on the right path to where they want to get to or can’t work out how to get to the next level

We discuss everything

I always make time for them

I have a much younger (full) sibling. Parents are 61 and 65 and she is 15. My best friend is 37 and her parents are 90 and 78. Didn't do with of them any harm. Go for it if it's what you want.

I think it's incredibly selfish. You may feel fine now but you are still an older mum with old eggs and old sperm. There is a very high risk of having a child with a disability (keep in mind that most disabilities cannot be screened for in pregnancy). how would you cope with caring for a severely disabled child and a aging husband. By the time the child would be 10 he would be approaching 70.

Also agree with PP, I have friends with older parents and they lost their parents when they were still quite you/had to reduce work to care for an aging/frail parent in their 20s.

I think it would be hugely unresponsible on so many levels.

I would think it’s such a shame for the child to have older parents, the risk of loosing both of you before she is 18 is higher than normal, and I don’t think that’s fair

You can lose your parents at any age.

Yes as you grow older the chances of them dying increase but I have known so many younger people lose their life when there children were very young.

One guy died before seeing his dc born he was 29.

Broken2020

Sorry to hear of your experience. My parents were the same age as yours and I can relate to a lot of it. Especially the part about your family being non-existent at a young age. It's incredibly unfair. But you'll get all the Pollyanna types here (who grew up in 'normal' families and had that support well into adulthood) sticking their fingers in their ears and crying "age is only a number." It's delusional.

The chances of dying before 30 in the UK in this day are quite small. The chances of dying in your 70s are high. How do you think the child would feel growing up knowing there’s such a risk of their dad dying before they’ve grown up?