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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have refused to go because DP expected me to sit in back?

967 replies

Fauxfurrealwhiskey · 18/01/2020 16:30

Wee bit of context before I start: DP has two DDs aged 11 and 9. He has a lot of residual guilt over leaving them/their mum back when they were little (years before we met) and consequently he lets his youngest daughter in particular get away with an awful lot that he shouldn't imo.

We've been dating for two years and don't live together.

He's on his way to drop them back to their mums, when I don't have my DC and am free I usually go along to keep him company (hour drive each way) so agreed to again this time.

He turned up to pick me up with his DD2 in the front seat. As I approached the car he told me I was in the back. I asked if I could sit in the front. He said she wanted to sit in the front. I told him in that case to go ahead without me then as I'm an adult and not a child so he could pick me up on the way back if he wanted instead and went back in the house. No big row or a scene of anything. I just wasn't willing, as a grown adult, to sit in the back while a 9 year old sits in the front. I would never dream of doing the same to him with my DC.

AIBU to think that adults get priority over children in terms of sitting in the front of the car? It's just basic manners imo.

Or is that horrendously old-fashioned of me and I've been a rampant cow?

OP posts:
Biancadelrioisback · 20/01/2020 19:28

Okay then we both have different reads of OP because that is not how she comes across to me. Probably helps explain our different stances.

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 19:29

Are you saying she rescuing him from him own kids?

Haha! No, just the journey back. Grin

Freezingold · 20/01/2020 19:30

YANBU or petty and unlike the majority I know where you're coming from. Unless you've been in this position you just don't get it.

100% agree with this post. I’ve been a SM and had two DSDs - one of them used to huff and puff as a teenager whenever she had to go in the back when I sat in the front. It was a red flag tbh.

She didn’t like being anything but number one in her Dads life, who she treated really badly and still does. She was constantly challenging me and picking fights. She also has big issues with her own mother but desperately wants to be like her. Now she’s mid twenties and having big spats with her BFs mother.

It’s a mess and it started when all those boundaries unravelled after their divorce, and DP turned into guilty Dad and indulged her, then was frightened of putting down any limits. And her Mum just abandoned her really for her BF. Sad really.

So red flag. If there are lots of these OP I’d back off the relationship full stop.

PGtipsplease · 20/01/2020 19:31

i think she has the measure of this Disney Dad

Yet every time she’s there waiting to be picked up...

lyralalala · 20/01/2020 19:33

Yet every time she’s there waiting to be picked up...

Indeed. And every other time she sits in the front

Such a drama over nothing. Politely decline to go, or assume that a father who usually sends his kid to sit in the back has a reason for not doing so on this one occasion

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 19:38

Yet every time she’s there waiting to be picked up...

But this time it has directly impacted her.

PGtipsplease · 20/01/2020 19:51

But this time it has directly impacted her

Yeah turned her life upside down 🙄

PGtipsplease · 20/01/2020 19:52

And she can’t be that ‘kind’ Grin

Ihavetoomanyfeelings · 20/01/2020 20:11

Hardly a 'disney dad' when the op says herself that normally the daughter goes into the backseat when she's getting into the car. If he's asked her to get in the back this ONE time it's obviously due to a reason that could have been discussed on the way back when the op could have got into the bloody front if it's so important.

I was brought up to respect my elders and while that's all good and well, I think a lot of adults aren't worthy of respect and it should be earned not automatically given. I completely agree that children shouldn't rule the roost but they are also worthy of respect and the occasional trip where the 9 year old sits in the front isn't going to turn her spoilt or into a brat.

moonkitty79 · 20/01/2020 20:26

As a child I would have gone in the back to allow an adult in the front, in fact I still do it if it's my mother-in-law or my husband's boss. However, my eldest has been sitting in the front seat when we're all together since he was eight as he gets travel sick so I sit in the back if my husband is driving. I think in the OP's case I would have got in the back and moved to the front when the DDs were dropped off. I would have spoken to DP on the way back and explain that you felt it was disrespectful and that next time you would prefer to sit in the front. I'd worry that your actions on this occasion would have left DDs hurt and confused as to why you didn't come with them when they originally thought you were coming.

JamesBlonde1 · 20/01/2020 20:31

I would expect a child to know the adult sits in the front. My DD moves to the bag if I pick up a grandparent. Maybe it's a manners thing that's no longer fashionable.

GreenTulips · 20/01/2020 20:46

My DD moves to the bag if I pick up a grandparent

Is that safe?

Barbarella1 · 20/01/2020 20:56

I’m not surprised the op hasn’t come back. I’d be sat at home with a glass of wine and blocking him.

1Morewineplease · 20/01/2020 21:01

Stunned that this thread is still going.
Main driver moves off drive with whichever passenger in the passenger seat , unless a small child.
Driver then picks up partner who ... shock , horror, has to sit in THE BACK SEAT!!!!! 😱😱😱

Oh my days!

Mermaid67 · 20/01/2020 21:04

Quite appalled at how many people say if the child is there first she gets to stay, all the children in my family wouldn't dream of making an adult take the back seat!

2020vision10 · 20/01/2020 21:55

Some weird adults here expecting children to move seats... Seems a bit control freaky and entitled.

saraclara · 20/01/2020 22:43

The kid did nothing wrong. She asked if she could sit in the front. Her dad said yes.

Why anyone is ascribing more to it than that, I really don't know.

strawberry2017 · 20/01/2020 22:52

I bet If this was her own child and not a step child people wouldn't be so harsh on the OP.

RedPandaBear · 20/01/2020 23:32

My husband and I spent loads of money on a new car recently. No way is one of my dss's sitting in the front and me in the back.

And my dc know damn well to sit in the back too if my dh is in the car.

In my eyes it's a matter of respect.

chamenanged · 20/01/2020 23:46

Tbh she shouldn’t have been encroaching on his last bit of time with them anyway - especially if she has issues with them anyway.

How can people be squaring the idea of the OP as 'encroaching' with the fact that he's her boyfriend and he invited her? Do they feel better to imagine that should their ex or current partner ever invite another woman somewhere just for the pleasure of her company, he won't really mean it? Do they believe the presence of their own children is an honour of such magnitude no other woman could ever be worthy of it? Just what about this specific set of circumstances is making some posters believe that OP was in fact an encroacher despite having been invited?

GilesBGood · 21/01/2020 00:04

Why didn't you offer to drive and let your partner sit in the back?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/01/2020 01:08

in fact I still do it if it's my mother-in-law or my husband's boss.

Your husbands boss? Omfg.

SaphfireRose · 21/01/2020 02:24

@Highonpotandused The OP seems quite biased against the children to me, so I take her 'the children are spoiled' line with a grain of salt. It's obvious she doesn't like them, that comes through clearly. It's also obvious she feel she is in some competition, and her losing the front seat - just ONCE - is reason for her to make her OP. It's clear she has an agenda against the children so I really question if they are spoilt or it's just the OP not liking them spending time with their dad or doing anything nice with him.

EngiNerd · 21/01/2020 15:00

Reminds me of my friend whose BF's 4 year old DD was having her tonsils removed on my friends birthday. She was upset that he chose to be with his DD while she was having SURGERY rather than spend time with her on her 27th birthday. She was "it's such a routine surgery, she'll get over it. It's my birthday. He needs to do something for me!!!"

Sickandscared · 21/01/2020 19:32

@enginerd it is nothing like that. It is symptomatic of a bigger problem - he is more concerned with not being unpopular than doing the right thing. I suspect this is an ongoing concern or she would not have been so upset.

Op was doing her boyfriend a favour coming for the trip. To expect her to sit in the back with the other child is downright rude. Op you are dead right to lay your standards now as it will only get worse.

Every single thing was a competition between me and DSS. When my boyfriend was discussing getting me a 'push present' before the baby was born she lit up like a Christmas tree and was straight into Google looking up something I mentioned. I naively thought she was getting involved until I realised she was looking up the gift for herself. Totally confused I asked her why and she cheerfully said "well if he buys it for you, he owes me one too."